The question was, “When can you trust your man?”
A reporter who was writing an article on the topic for a major women’s magazine asked the question. It showed up in my e-mail because I subscribe to a service that distributes questions from reporters to experts all around the world who may be able to answer them.
I knew what the reporter was looking for. She wanted succinct little tips like:
- “You can trust your man if he always shows up when he says he will, or at least calls to tell you he’ll be late.”
- “You can trust your man if he introduces you to his mother.”
- “You can trust your man if he shows you his income tax return.”
But, after being married to a sociopath, and hearing the stories of so many Lovefraud readers, I knew that these external signs may not be accurate.
The luring stage
In the beginning of a relationship, the luring stage, sociopaths can be reliable and punctual. They may seem proud to introduce you to their families. They may appear to be financially solvent.
Sociopathic individuals can appear to be deserving of respect, love and trust as long as it suits their purpose. These predators know what they are supposed to do to win over a lover. And they are capable of actually doing it—at least until they feel like they no longer need to.
Once they have their hooks set in you, they may be late—or even disappear for days or weeks with no explanation. Their families may trip over themselves to be good to you—probably because they want you to take the parasite off their hands. And they may flash cash and financial documents—cash taken from the previous partner, and documents that are forged.
So how do you know when to trust your man—or woman? Here’s my answer: You can trust your partner when you can trust yourself.
Trusting yourself
When it comes to romantic relationships, there are two dimensions to trusting yourself.
The first is your own sense of self. You know who you are, what you want, and where your boundaries are. You know that you deserve to be loved simply for being yourself. You understand that a relationship involves giving and taking by both parties, not one person doing all the giving and the other all the taking. You will not jeopardize your well-being in order to have companionship.
The second dimension is trusting your intuition. Your gut, your body, your sixth sense, will tell you when something is wrong. You must have to have enough faith in yourself that you can hear or feel the intuitive messages, and pay attention to them. We get in trouble when we allow ourselves to be talked out of what our intuition is telling us. When a person or suggestion makes us feel uncomfortable, that’s our early warning system, and we must trust ourselves enough to listen.
I responded to the magazine reporter’s inquiry. I told her than the time to trust a man is when we trust ourselves. She didn’t reply. I assume that my answer wasn’t what she wanted.
Dear LL,
Before you can get a a fix in medicine, you must have a correct diagnosis of what the problem is.
If someone comes in and tells the doctor “I don’t feel well” can a physician fix that for them? Not with just that small amount of information, there has to be more information about specifics of not feeling well.
Well the doctor asks some questions, like are you in pain and the patient says “yes” and the dr says “where?” the patient says “My right foot” well then the doctor says I can fix that and gives the patient a prescription for a pain pill and the patient leaves and goes home.
Well a week later the patient comes back and the foot now has grown to the size of a basket ball and is red and full of pus.
There had been a thorn in the foot and the doctor didn’t take it out, so now the foot must be amputated in order to fix the problem.
We have to get the diagnosis of the problem and get a complete diagnosis and then use the APPROPRIATE TREATMENT to fix the problem With the patient who “didn’t feel well” finding out there was a thorn in the foot, removing the thorn and then maybe some antibiotic treatments would have helped along with the pills for pain. Or maybe the pain pills wouldn’t even have been needed if the thorn was removed.
Getting a good diagnosis, and appropriate treatment in medicine OR in mental health is important. Also keep in mind that medicine for depression is NOT instant working, it takes time and therapy isn’t “instant” either, it takes time for the new things we learn to start to make sense and be applied into our lives.
If you have (as you stated above) issues concerning dependency that is something that a psychopath can latch on to to hook you to them and make you less likely to rebel against them. I had a boss who was a P once, and she used the jobs the employees had to hold them there so she could abuse them. At the time she went off on me, I was in no great need of a job so after only the first one of her tirades to me, I turned in my resignation the next day, she was totally surprised because no one else had resigned after her verbal abuse. She hadn’t counted on the fact that I might at that time not be quite as “in need of” a job as the other people working there were…In fact, I had another job the next day before 5 p.m. and one I liked better. (That’s one of the nicest things about nursing is that there are so many jobs available you don’t have to put up with a bunch of abuse from any boss)LOL
lesson learned,
Your inner man is going through what it needs to, healing itself bit-by-bit. I’ve been where you are – hardly being able to get out of bed, going through the motions, not being able to fully engage with my children, being awash with a range of emotions. From what I’ve read of your posts on this website, you have been through a lot of hardships (traumatic experiences), so I applaud you for “keeping on”. You’re willing to work on yourself, having a desire to heal, doing your part to reach a sense of wellness. By feeling what’s inside and dealing with it all (to the best of your ability), you’ll get to the other side. I am rooting for you. Personally, I think we’re all damaged goods (walking wounded), being an asset in time, helping others in their life journeys. Now is the time to hunker down and take care of yourself (which you’re trying desperately to do). I can’t see how the work that you do now can’t but lead to a better place for you emotionally, spiritually, etc.
Ox,
I don’t believe that the med will “fix” me, only that it will assist in relieving the symptoms so I can cope better. My file with my doc is huge and I have been evaluated a long time ago, for depression, anxiety and dependent disorder. I’ve been in therapy numerous times in the past, but never to this extent. I have also taken antidepressants before, and have anti anxiety meds to help relieve the constant anxiety I’m dealing with right now. I think the PTSD is a no brainer, as well as the depression and dependent disorder. But are there others? I don’t know yet, but I’m sure a psych eval will reveal that. I’ve had two in the past, and both were the same, again, anxiety disorder, depression and dependent disorder. Go figure. I’m sure this is what the dealio is now too, however, I’d rather do it again, as it’s been awhile and see what we come up with.
Blue, I wish I could say I felt positive about this right now, but I don’t. I thank you for your encouragement though and sharing that you were going through something similar.
I hope I can help others too someday blue. Just not in a place to do that now.
LL
lesson learned,
I’m not saying that you have to feel “positive about this right now,” – feel whatever comes up, but try and be a friend to yourself, being gentle toward yourself. I know that it is HARD to be experiencing what you’re going through right now. I realize what you actually meant when you stated that you feel like “damaged goods,” but I prefer to think that’s not true about you or anyone else. We’re all seasoned with lots of good stuff to offer other people in the future. Peace.
Blue,
I understand. I know you meant well 🙂
LL
lesson learned,
I agree with the responses you’ve already gotten. I have a few other things to add.
First, you’re doing all the right things. You’re moving through the healing process. The fact that you’re dealing with a second wave concerning the underlying causes of dysfunctional relationships in your history is a good thing. It may feel like your becoming overwhelmed, but “flooding” doesn’t go on forever. if you’re therapist is experienced with abuse recovery or PSTD, hopefully you’re getting good feedback on your progress and its direction.
Foundational trauma is big stuff. It is the core of your issues, and when you start looking at that, it’s going to unleash a lot of feelng. The way you describe what you’re going through is pretty consistant with my experience with that.
One of this things that helped me a bit was when I started to recognize that my various anxieties and concerns were related to specific emotional states. At first I thought about them as emotional ruts, then fugue states. In that, I mean a kind of harmonic of specific types of thought, a particular mix of emotional feelings, and a kind of circular nature in that that it fed on itself, self-perpetuating, the thoughts stimulating the feelings, feelings lighting fires under the thoughts, and round and round. And certain things would trigger the state, things that particularly challenged me.
For example, I’ve got one that’s related to having too much professional work that requires creative thinking and I start being afraid that I don’t have the time to put in the dreamy time I need to be creative, and I won’t do good work without it. That triggers the “I’m all alone and I’ve got no one to help me and I feel so abandoned and and I’m probably going to fail and I need to get someone to love me so I’ll be rescued” state. Now the reality is I’m more competent at writing than 99.9 percent of the rest of the world, and I can and do put out proffessional quality work while half-watching YouTube or being so sleepy I keep nodding off. So this is not true, but it goes back to my abandonment issues, that go back to the fact that my father sexually abused me (not caring abouat the wellbeing of me, his daughter) and my mother didn’t protect me (because she was jealous of my father’s apparent interest in me when he was so mean to everyone else.)
I don’t get into this state anymore, because I worked on that foundation trauma and some earlier ones that set the stages for me being too frightened and submissive to run away or blow the whistle on them or fight back more than I did. I’m NOT blaming myself. Everything about me makes sense in the light of my history and what I had to do to survive as a small child. But I had to get clear about all of this, and reframe these events as an adult to unplug a lot of dysfunction in myself. And then I had to go through the gradual process of the changes working their way through my emotional system and beliefs, and then the changing of attitudes and habits to create a healthier life.
In reading your letter, I think I’m seeing at least one fugue state in effect. It’s the “It’s all too much for me and I’m responsible for everyting and I don’t now how to handle it and if I don’t get it right immedidately I’ll live with the repercussions all my life” state. Or something like that. They key part of it is being responsible for everyting. The catastrophizing God complex. It’s typical of kids who’ve been brought up to believe they’re somehow responsible for the abuser’s behavior.
You’ll get over this state as you progress with your healing. But in the meantime, it would help you if you start to try to recognize when your in a state. Just that. You don’t have to drive yourself crazy, trying to change it. Just recognizing that you’re in an emotional rut is helpful sometimes. It gives you a little perspective. Maybe gives you a chance to lift you conscious up a level so you can actually observe what you’re doing.
I don’t need to tell you that blaming yourself is unproductive and unfair. You’ve alwasy done the best you can with the resources you have and you still are. Likewise beating yourself up for not being someone you’re not or not doing something you’re not capable of just eats energy and creates more pain for you. You’re in a particular place in your life right now, and it’s very important. You’re doing inner work that’s going to change your life and make things better for you and your kids. Don’t begrudge the time and don’t get agonized abouat the attention that it’s taking from your kids.
If you want to get rational about this, make some time each day when you are not working on this, when you just put it aside and do things with your kids that are not about being inside your head. Playing catch, baking brownies, helpingwith homework, that kind of stuff. They need quality time with you, but they don’t need a lot. Beyond that, they need to know that you are optimistic about the future, because that’s important to them.
And I’m telling you from the bottom of my heart that you should be. You’re on a path. You’re taking on the hard stuff that’s kept you from being a functional person. You’re going to come out of it in better shape than you’ve ever been in your life, and more than that, you are going to understand and forgive yourself for all the stuff you did before. If you’re reading my posts, you already know something of what I believe about this. But I don’t just believe becasue of my own experience. I’ve seen it in other people. You can take your life back from the effects of what happened to you, and you can be the woman you were meant to be. We are not our damage. Really.
Now please accept a hug and a high five from me. You doing excellently well. Those voices in your head that tell you otherwise are just residue of past events when people abused you. They’re voices of abusers. You can tell them to shut up. They won’t necessarily go away, but you might be surprised at how much you can turn the volume down if you just stop listening to them or decide that they’re full of sh*t.
Love —
Kathy
Kathy,
Thank you. I think you’re right about my current state. I’ll bring this up in therapy too. I do spend time with the kids once a day at least. We have dinner together almost everyday. Mealtimes are important to me and I’m ALWAYS around. If I leave to go to the store or to a doctor appointment, if I”m not back within an hour they’re always calling to check on my whereabouts lol! I love my children very much. I just wish I hadn’t caused them the pain and damage that I have, nor that i have to spend so much time inside myself, doing this work.
Kathy, I’m also 47 now. I’ve been a stay at home mom for twenty seven years, other than being a college student. I needed to drop school this term as my concentration levels are zip for focused study. I’m concerned that when I do graduate, I will be older and unemployable. I hope not. I hope this work that I’m doing will evolve into a career path that would be productive as well as fulfilling in helping others to achieve their goals of healing too.
I’ll work on those voices in my head and work on telling them that they’re full of shit. There is an almost evil component to those voices, all of my abusers.
Thanks Kathy for your wonderful insights and if I feel discouraged I’ll read this post again.
LL
LL…..I was EXACTLY where you are now…in June, 2009. In fact, I just read a post from a year ago under one of these threads! I couldn’t focus ….same feelings you have. And, here I am today, probably happier than I’ve ever been in my lifetime…..stronger..WISER…..content with being alone a lot….and people respect me more than ever. Why?
Because getting involved with my xbf was a “gift” …a blessing in disguise. !!! It triggered ALL of my early feelings…and I was forced to ” face my demons” …that came up. I sobbed for 5 hours straight….then I couldn’t cry for 2 months!
I had to figure it all out to understand it in order to finally HEAL. I was 52.
Talking it out,to my neighbor, (thank God for her…)who listened as I went through my ENTIRE life story…and I journalled my feelings at each age and stage…changed me forever.
I realized, in a nutshell…that the little 2b was a victim. I realized that it wasn’t my fault..I was a helpless child.
I realized that I am an AMAZING person to live through the nightmare and still be able to accomplish what I did in my life…Not only graduating college with high honors..and being a teacher…and all those accomplishments….but I became a MOM…and I’ve raised 3 children alone, who are healthy and happy.
So, even though the entire journey that summer was SO painful…and I avoided most people..and I drank a lot of coffee and chain smoked….it was the best thing that ever happenned to me….because I finally realized WHO I AM.
I finally learned to love myself…and feel worthy…not HATE myself and feel unworthy and insecure and unconfident..as I have felt my entire life…deep down.
It took hitting ROCK bottom for this childhood VICTIM to become an adult SURVIVOR.
Yes, I was NOT responsible for what my parents did to me.
(But, they were only victims of victims of victims too…)and I wasn’t responsible for the poor choices I made in my life…since they were all from my “subconscious” mind (the programmed one from childhood)…coming up, without me being AWARE as I am NOW of what happenned to me…
But, NOW, I AM responsible for my choices. Because NOW I am totally aware of what messed me up…how it affected some of my choices…and I now have the SKILLS that were NEVER taught to me…and the STRENGTH and SECURITY that was never given to me as a child….
I have them NOW. I am changed. I’m no longer even attracted to the charmers…manipulators. Maybe I rerouted my neurons! IDK….
All I know is that I have an INNER strength now that I NEVER had.
I heard a woman on the radio say that she has a hard time finding a man because she is smart and tough and most men want the fuzzy warmth from the bimbos that they can control and manipulate.
Well, they can have them. I’m smart now and I want a smart companion…a healthy one.
Anyway…You WILL get where I am …but not without hard work and determination to find happiness.
I’ll write more later… My daughter needs taxi service..lol
OK…I am proof that there IS light at the end of the tunnel.
BUT, its a lot of work and pain!!!
I didn’t take drugs or drink to escape the pain. I FACED it head on. I did smoke a lot. But, I read and posted and then I got into my spirituality…after a month or so.
I would listen to Abraham-HIcks….Esthers voice calmed me.
I don’t know if she’s really a “channel”, but whatever she is…she helped me.
I journalled a book! (In fact, a lot of it is going into my book!)
I journalled and talked to my neighbor..found support groups…went to them…went to therapy twice a week…sometimes three.
I TOOK ACTION. I did whatever it took to be able to feel that my life wasn’t a big waste…that there was HOPE for the future….that I wasn’t DOOMED.
Eventually, I did see light at the end of the tunnel…little by little…baby steps.
KEEP writing here! THIS is the best place to validate. Everyone understands here and its important to write it out and get feedback……
THIS became my new addiction… not HIM.
I would rather sit home and read LF than be with someone who was just using me to fill HIS own childish, selfish, sociopathic needs!!!
When it got to the point where I’d rather be doing anything else but be with him…I knew it was over.
I outgrew him. His actions didn’t look NORMAL to me anymore…My brain changed. THANK GOD
It can happen…just got to get through the stages.
Thank God for LF!!
lesson learned,
You need it get a copy of ‘Don’t worry, be happy” and put it on a continual loop.
Here’s another suggestion, start looking at worrying as something that’s not good for you. You know it’s not. You brought up a new worry in the last letter. I’m sure you’ve got them backed up over the horizon. But this is just a cause/symptom/perpetuator of a state.
I had to stop working for nearly two years. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye because I was so embarrassed to be me. If I tried to talk to someone I started crying because the grief and pain were so close to the surface.
I got better and you will too.
You already made it over the big hurdle to getting angry at these men, understanding that nothing that happened would have happened if they hadn’t been who they are (whether you were dysfunctional or not), and that they are responsible for a whole lot of pain and loss in your life. You’re clear, i believe, about that. And now you’re working on new protective skills.
And surprise, surprise you ran into the reason you weren’t any good at protecting yourself before, and discovered that until you resolve this older stuff you can’t finish with the newer stuff. Because you can’t really take ownership of your current life until you resolve the victimization of your past.
This is exactly my story. I was around 55 when I started working on this, and I knew I had to do this deep digging to the origen of the problem, because the alternative was attracting an even lower class of bottom-feeding sociopath, because I wasn’t in good enough shape to get involved with anyone but someone who was going to “help me get better.” Yeah, right. That soc-talk for mopping up what’s left.
Don’t worry about anything except the work of getting better. Your best shot is doing exactly what feels right for you now, as though there were nothing more important in the world. There isn’t. Everyone of us that does this contributes something meaningful to the world, and makes it easier for those who come behind us. We are creating a culture of people who believe in healing ourselves right down to the center. That may sound a little excessive, but I believe it, and it’s true in my life and other people I kknow.
Don’t worry what it looks like. Don’t worry where it’s leading in worldly terms. Listen to your instincts and intuition and trust in the process, as well as the universe. Nothing is going to work out until you get well and learn how to live a life of confidence, peace and choice. When you get to that, the path will clear and you’l atttract the right thing for you.
Look in the author’s page. My email address is there. Write me anytime you want. Put LoveFraud in the subject like, so I don’t mistake you for spam. I’
Oh, and you’re the right age to get this done. Middle age is where this transformational activity becomes not only possible, but a natural developmental process. One more reason to be optimisitic about the outcome. You’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing.
Kathy