The question was, “When can you trust your man?”
A reporter who was writing an article on the topic for a major women’s magazine asked the question. It showed up in my e-mail because I subscribe to a service that distributes questions from reporters to experts all around the world who may be able to answer them.
I knew what the reporter was looking for. She wanted succinct little tips like:
- “You can trust your man if he always shows up when he says he will, or at least calls to tell you he’ll be late.”
- “You can trust your man if he introduces you to his mother.”
- “You can trust your man if he shows you his income tax return.”
But, after being married to a sociopath, and hearing the stories of so many Lovefraud readers, I knew that these external signs may not be accurate.
The luring stage
In the beginning of a relationship, the luring stage, sociopaths can be reliable and punctual. They may seem proud to introduce you to their families. They may appear to be financially solvent.
Sociopathic individuals can appear to be deserving of respect, love and trust as long as it suits their purpose. These predators know what they are supposed to do to win over a lover. And they are capable of actually doing it—at least until they feel like they no longer need to.
Once they have their hooks set in you, they may be late—or even disappear for days or weeks with no explanation. Their families may trip over themselves to be good to you—probably because they want you to take the parasite off their hands. And they may flash cash and financial documents—cash taken from the previous partner, and documents that are forged.
So how do you know when to trust your man—or woman? Here’s my answer: You can trust your partner when you can trust yourself.
Trusting yourself
When it comes to romantic relationships, there are two dimensions to trusting yourself.
The first is your own sense of self. You know who you are, what you want, and where your boundaries are. You know that you deserve to be loved simply for being yourself. You understand that a relationship involves giving and taking by both parties, not one person doing all the giving and the other all the taking. You will not jeopardize your well-being in order to have companionship.
The second dimension is trusting your intuition. Your gut, your body, your sixth sense, will tell you when something is wrong. You must have to have enough faith in yourself that you can hear or feel the intuitive messages, and pay attention to them. We get in trouble when we allow ourselves to be talked out of what our intuition is telling us. When a person or suggestion makes us feel uncomfortable, that’s our early warning system, and we must trust ourselves enough to listen.
I responded to the magazine reporter’s inquiry. I told her than the time to trust a man is when we trust ourselves. She didn’t reply. I assume that my answer wasn’t what she wanted.
Nolarn
I have NO idea who you are, have not been here long enough, but hey, welcome back!
LL
2bcop, it is so good to hear you emotionally strong!
You’ve come a long long way! Towanda!!!!
F*ck him, the stupid SOB spath.
We can’t have your body falling apart!!
Are you still training for the PD?
How are you going to hop over fences?!!
You’ve healed your heart, you must heal the stress now,
and you’re in the profession to do this!
I thought peeps in your profession are in big demand !!?
I hate this whole healthcare thing that’s happening…
don’t get me started!!! lol
I’m glad you’re back because there are peeps here
(including me)
who can learn from the experience you went through and
how you healed from it.
nolonger2bcop,
well, I was gone for almost a year and was able to log back on. Gone from Dec 2009 to Oct 2010.
So you are not training for the police force anymore? why?
I think you will do great no matter what you choose to do.. keep us updated.
No longernaive was a really cool user name. I loved it. try to get it back. I bet Donna can set you up.
LL,
I’m so glad you’ve stayed strong. The POS does’t deserve one brain cell in your head, much less a response. He doesn’t deserve the space he takes up on the planet! The slug I wiped off my shoe is more deserving than the spaths. The ONLY function they serve is as an example to us of how NOT TO BE!
When I was with the spath, I began to notice some interesting coincidences. I mentioned this to my N-mom. If I needed to make a decision, I would ask the spath for his opinion. then I would do the exact opposite. when I folllowed this rule, everything turned out perfectly. If I followed my spath’s advice, all hell would break loose. AT the time, I though that my spath was just SUCH A MOTHER FUCKING IDIOT, that his advice could be used to point me in the 180 degree direction of the right path. Now, of course, I realize that he was expecting me to follow his lame advice and then he sabotaged that path, to insure my failure. But here’s the interesting part: If you have a spath, and you know it, you can rest assured that he will sabotage your most heartfelt desires.
I’ve now know that most things in life are not that difficult. IF they are, you can be assured that a spath is involved. That tells me that they are EVERYWHERE.
Ya’ll, I have gained 35 lbs this year from stress and gained 25 in 2010 after the spath breakup. I was diagnosed recently with polycystic ovarian syndrome which makes it extremely difficult to lose weight. I also have a high chance of infertility-which sucks cuz I’m 38 and never been pregnant. At this point, I won’t let any men get near me enought for that to happen anyway. I am emotionally great except for when I’m on my cycle. Then I am totally despondent-nothing but tears,panic attacks,paranoia, can’t deal with anything. The doc put me on a med to lose weight and will probably add another after a month. She has options for what she can do for my cycles after we get the weight off. The police boss wants me to wait til 2012 to come back anyway since the PD is in disarray still after the new chief took over. There are tons of changes and a lot that still needs change. The academy training will be redone and that hasn’t started yet. She doesn’t want me entering until that is complete. She is hoping for new instructors as well. She wants me to be happy there and be successful.
The current nursing world isn’t good. The shortage is almost non-existant due to the economy and the healthcare plan. It used to be where you could move around throughout different specialties. Now they want to lock you in because they don’t want to train. I took cath lab cuz it was the first full time I could get after the spath. I’ve been miserable with horrible stress because 90% of the coworkers are high in spath/narc qualities and I feel like I’m locked in a room with my ex all day. We have been losing business due to the healthcare plan. We are being sent home without pay. I am trying to get into ER or ICU to avoid being sent home and my doc wants me to get a better schedule and get away from the evil because she thinks it’s the only way the weight will come off. I have developed a nasty case of plantar fasciitis in the left foot and working out is killing me. I can only stationary bike right now. No walking, running, aerobics. Going to try the elliptical. Once I take off a little bit so I can stomach putting on a bathing suit, I will swim. My feet are just killing cuz I’m 5’4 and 250 and I can’t be a cop like that. I need to lose 100 lbs-maybe more. The good news is that I have time.
I’m just praying that someone will give me a chance on a new job. The pay here is awesome but they treat nurses real bad. I applied to ER but didn’t get it because I don’t actually have ER experience. I do have intense scary amounts of trauma from trauma ICU, some pediatrics, and I have a special trauma certification that most nurses don’t have. This manager is making such a huge mistake because she will be hard pressed to find someone in this city with as much experience as I have. I put name in for ICU. I told them I’d take any ICU any shift just to get 3 twelve hour shifts a week and quit getting sent home.
Anyway hopefully this little regimen I’m on will straighten out my body to get me on the right track physically. I will be hanging out here to help encourage those who are in the beginning raw stages or their healing from the evil ones and hope that I can make a difference. BTW, speaking of making a difference, I am taking a course and getting certified in Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner, so I can perform rape exams and do evidence collection and counseling for victims of sexual violence. I hope to be able to do this while working towards getting back to the police and I can also moonlight doing it, since being a rookie cop doesn’t pay very well. That’s why I’m praying to get in the ER.
Skylar-I did love nolongernaive too. It was my favorite user name and I miss it. I don’t know how I ended up with this one-it describes me but it doesn’t tell the real story about how far I’ve come. I really miss nolongernaive!!
Sky,
exPOS tried to sabotage my moving forward. I’m starting to see his motives in the things he did. It’s very shocking to me right now. Either manipulation, sabotage and/or exploitation of my emotions.
EVERYTHING behind what he did was to hurt me or to prevent me from moving on.
I’m making a shift in my thought processes now about him. One minute denial, the next reality. The reality of what he is/was, makes me feel SO GLAD that I’m not apart of his life anymore. The denial makes me feel sad about the things that were good (very few-fantasy you know), and creates the missing him crap.
LL
Dear Lesson Learned,
Your earlier post was focused on what your ex spath was doing, his profile, new girlfriend, wants, needs, feelings, motives, etc. I think you need to take the focus off of him and on to you. He will go on doing what he does and you wonder if he still thinks about you while he’s doing it. It’s not about him anymore. He is a sick, disordered man and you do not want him in your life!
Lesson, just learn to love yourself. I like what Aussie girl wrote to you about how much you have accomplished with your kids. You need to remind yourself of the major turmoil you went through with your children and how strong a person it took to come out on the other side.
Your spath was all fantasy, nothing was real and you don’t need that in your life. Be honest with yourself about what he is and who he is and then let him go. Try to disengage from ruiminating on him and his life. I have done this too much myself as well. Detach and take a step back. You have nothing to gain from staying focused on him and everything to lose.
How is school going? How are you and the kids? These are the important things, the most important is you.
So glad you are seeing a therapist, at the beginning of my mess I wished I could see my therapist a couple times a week. I would call her crying from inside my closet because I didn’t want spath to hear. He would flip out about my talking to anyone and didn’t want me to see a therapist, he said she was hurting our marriage and things were worse since I started getting therapy.
He just didn’t want me to have any self esteem. When she wanted to just see me (she refused to see him anymore) and work on my assertiveness and self esteem, spath said I didn’t need help with that because I’m aggressive.
The best thing you can do for yourself is what your doing, getting therapy and talking on lovefraud about your experiences. You will ultimately be the winner and your ex will always be the LOSER!
Hope,
Thank you for your kind post. I’m working on it. I’m here quite A LOT right now, working on changing my focus and slowly the shift is being made.
I KNOW I will come out of this a better person,even though the time it will take is a bit overwhelming.
I agree with you and so relate to your experience that you shared. Had I lived with exPOS the way you were experiencing yours in your post, I may not have made it out alive.
You’re strong. I’m getting there.
LL
2bcop, for someone who isn’t feeling that great you sound dang busy! I hope you get a transfer and the hours you want, I didn’t realize this whole healthcare thing was having such a big effect already, my COBRA insurance was going sky high, thank goodness I recently found a job with great insurance.
Wonderful that you have such a great contact in the PD, the boss!! I know that is your dream and it sounds like your plans are in place to achieve that dream!