The question was, “When can you trust your man?”
A reporter who was writing an article on the topic for a major women’s magazine asked the question. It showed up in my e-mail because I subscribe to a service that distributes questions from reporters to experts all around the world who may be able to answer them.
I knew what the reporter was looking for. She wanted succinct little tips like:
- “You can trust your man if he always shows up when he says he will, or at least calls to tell you he’ll be late.”
- “You can trust your man if he introduces you to his mother.”
- “You can trust your man if he shows you his income tax return.”
But, after being married to a sociopath, and hearing the stories of so many Lovefraud readers, I knew that these external signs may not be accurate.
The luring stage
In the beginning of a relationship, the luring stage, sociopaths can be reliable and punctual. They may seem proud to introduce you to their families. They may appear to be financially solvent.
Sociopathic individuals can appear to be deserving of respect, love and trust as long as it suits their purpose. These predators know what they are supposed to do to win over a lover. And they are capable of actually doing it—at least until they feel like they no longer need to.
Once they have their hooks set in you, they may be late—or even disappear for days or weeks with no explanation. Their families may trip over themselves to be good to you—probably because they want you to take the parasite off their hands. And they may flash cash and financial documents—cash taken from the previous partner, and documents that are forged.
So how do you know when to trust your man—or woman? Here’s my answer: You can trust your partner when you can trust yourself.
Trusting yourself
When it comes to romantic relationships, there are two dimensions to trusting yourself.
The first is your own sense of self. You know who you are, what you want, and where your boundaries are. You know that you deserve to be loved simply for being yourself. You understand that a relationship involves giving and taking by both parties, not one person doing all the giving and the other all the taking. You will not jeopardize your well-being in order to have companionship.
The second dimension is trusting your intuition. Your gut, your body, your sixth sense, will tell you when something is wrong. You must have to have enough faith in yourself that you can hear or feel the intuitive messages, and pay attention to them. We get in trouble when we allow ourselves to be talked out of what our intuition is telling us. When a person or suggestion makes us feel uncomfortable, that’s our early warning system, and we must trust ourselves enough to listen.
I responded to the magazine reporter’s inquiry. I told her than the time to trust a man is when we trust ourselves. She didn’t reply. I assume that my answer wasn’t what she wanted.
Ox Drover
2BHappy, The groups are: “Dietary sodium control for health” and “Yes…I have diabetes” and “60+ with 25-50 lbs to lose” and “Arkansans for a healthier future”
What is your name there? put in a buddy request for Ox Drover.
tobehappy
Will do…Oh..I spelled it wrong…I’m SweetOneTwo
ElizabethBennett
DM/Hens: sorry I scared the heck out of you. I wanted to let you know that I knew you were Henry. Somebody changed my username for me when I just came back so now I’m on my 3rd one and it’s really getting confusing.
One-what do you want me to say about my spath? He’s a surgeon? He’s psycho?
Shabby: why are you telling me to stick my head in here?
hens
cause I said I was going to BOINK you when you came back in for skeering me – welcome back Erin – you seem in a better place now..good to see you
ElizabethBennett
I guess I deserved to be boinked. It’s kind of like sneeking up on a victim when they’re not looking. I like your new name too. It reminds me of Dances with Wolves ( I like that movie) and I am much better. Now I only think of my ex dying 50% of the time–hahaha! LOL
super chic
😀
ElizabethBennett
Shabby, you’re given me that shit eaten grin! LOL
Stargazer
Okay, what did I miss? Everyone’s losing weight, getting new eyes, and moving into new houses with gold mines in the back yard? Towanda! Someone please fill me in!
I have started a health program of sorts myself. I was never really unhealthy or overweight but I’m reading a book about intestinal health and cutting way back on carbs. I also plan to do an herbal kidney cleanse some time this year just for the hell of it. I’ve also been exercising every day. I’m feeling pretty good about myself physically. Emotionally…..meh. Could be better.
I found a herping (snake finding) trip in Costa Rica that I really want to do. But it is just out of my budget. I’m having to tell my inner child that she cannot go play in the jungle cause mommy can’t afford it. And she’s none too happy. Money (lack of it) continues to be an issue in my life. I have enough to live on if only I didn’t have a desire to travel. I’m dangerously close to quitting my jobs, walking away from my condo which I’m very upside down on, putting my massage table in my car, and just going. This was the time in my life that I’d planned to spend traveling, taking classes, and generally having fun. I hadn’t planned on the economy taking a dive and foiling my plans. I know I need an attitude adjustment. Maybe one of you could help adjust it for me?
Mostly, I’m having a hard time having meaningful contact with people, so I get pretty lonely and isolated. I find that there are so many people who like to just talk and talk and tell stories when you ask them a question. It’s very tiring for me. It reminds me of my mother. I did go see an energy worker after reading Geminigirl’s inspiring post. It really helped a lot. I feel I could use regular healing sessions/therapy. But just cannot afford it. So I tend to get bottled up. Writing and meditating doesn’t seem to help. It would be great to have one person to open up to.
In the last session, I went through some anger toward my father, which was good, and recalled some vivid memories of my mother’s narcissism – and how I basically just ‘disappeared’ without a voice or even feeling like I existed. It’s amazing how pervasive this theme has been in my life, even to this day.
Men have disappointed me lately, too. I feel pretty helpless to change this until I learn how to unlock my feelings and needs and communicate with them, and also to make better choices. I have a hard time with this, so for now, I’ve just taken some time off from dating.
Lack of money seems to be at the root of everything for me. I really don’t know how to change this. I feel I’m doing everything I can do to make a decent living with good hourly wages. I’m too exhausted to do much else in the way of third and fourth jobs.
Anyway, sorry to just pop in and then have such a long rant. I didn’t intend to do it. I guess I just needed to talk.
Love to all,
Star
Stargazer
Oh, I also wanted to comment on the dialogue between Skylar and Kathy Hawk, because it’s such a meaningful one for me. A few months ago my mother had a heart attack. She emailed me to tell me. I’m sure she was hoping I’d fly down there to take care of her (she lives in the bowels of the desert). I wrote her back and told her I was sorry and that I hope she takes care of herself. I definitely felt that ‘pull’ to be there for her and take care of her.
Recently, I sent her a Xmas card. She emailed me and told me her boyfriend and she would like me to visit, and that they would pay for the trip. I considered it. Then I thought about all of the hell I’ve been through and how much I’ve suffered over her. I politely declined. She is definitely one of those people who is trying to “make nice” because she doesn’t understand and can’t handle the full brunt of what she did. They say “forgive and forget”. I’m sorry, but I cannot forget how my mother treated me. I feel I am successfully moving on from her and breaking the ties. If she’d been a loving mother, I’d love to have a relationship with her now. But I no longer feel like it is my responsibility to take care of her or heal her. I’ve got my own life to worry about. And it’s a tough one right now.
There aren’t many people who would understand this, but I know a lot of you guys will understand this detachment from my mother. I feel I’ve had to detach from so many people in my life. I hope one day to find at least one person I can allow myself to become attached to again.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
hi Star!!!! i don’t have time to chat, but at least wanted to say hello. please post more. we love ya.