The question was, “When can you trust your man?”
A reporter who was writing an article on the topic for a major women’s magazine asked the question. It showed up in my e-mail because I subscribe to a service that distributes questions from reporters to experts all around the world who may be able to answer them.
I knew what the reporter was looking for. She wanted succinct little tips like:
- “You can trust your man if he always shows up when he says he will, or at least calls to tell you he’ll be late.”
- “You can trust your man if he introduces you to his mother.”
- “You can trust your man if he shows you his income tax return.”
But, after being married to a sociopath, and hearing the stories of so many Lovefraud readers, I knew that these external signs may not be accurate.
The luring stage
In the beginning of a relationship, the luring stage, sociopaths can be reliable and punctual. They may seem proud to introduce you to their families. They may appear to be financially solvent.
Sociopathic individuals can appear to be deserving of respect, love and trust as long as it suits their purpose. These predators know what they are supposed to do to win over a lover. And they are capable of actually doing it—at least until they feel like they no longer need to.
Once they have their hooks set in you, they may be late—or even disappear for days or weeks with no explanation. Their families may trip over themselves to be good to you—probably because they want you to take the parasite off their hands. And they may flash cash and financial documents—cash taken from the previous partner, and documents that are forged.
So how do you know when to trust your man—or woman? Here’s my answer: You can trust your partner when you can trust yourself.
Trusting yourself
When it comes to romantic relationships, there are two dimensions to trusting yourself.
The first is your own sense of self. You know who you are, what you want, and where your boundaries are. You know that you deserve to be loved simply for being yourself. You understand that a relationship involves giving and taking by both parties, not one person doing all the giving and the other all the taking. You will not jeopardize your well-being in order to have companionship.
The second dimension is trusting your intuition. Your gut, your body, your sixth sense, will tell you when something is wrong. You must have to have enough faith in yourself that you can hear or feel the intuitive messages, and pay attention to them. We get in trouble when we allow ourselves to be talked out of what our intuition is telling us. When a person or suggestion makes us feel uncomfortable, that’s our early warning system, and we must trust ourselves enough to listen.
I responded to the magazine reporter’s inquiry. I told her than the time to trust a man is when we trust ourselves. She didn’t reply. I assume that my answer wasn’t what she wanted.
Dear STar,
Welcome back kiddo! Glad to see you. You actually sound like you are in a better place than you were, and acknowledging that you don’t want a relationshit with the “let’s pretend none of this happened” theme is a good start. I definitely know where you are coming from there. It took me a long time to get to the point that I saw that there was nothing but a losing proposition in that theme in relationships of any kind, with friends or family.
There must be accountability for our behavior and remorse for hurting others and we must also expect that same in return. We deserve it and I am no longer willing to pretend that someone hasn’t deliberately hurt me in order to have a relationship with them simply because of a DNA match.
I know what you mean about wanting to travel, I’d like to do the same, but can’t do it either. So just have a “Stay-cation” at home and do something nice for yourself.
I sometimes feel like throwing my back pack in my truck and loading up my dog and going off into the “wild blue yonder” too. I’ve always had that feeling from time to time, I can remember feeling that way at age 18 or 19 and that desire to just “wander” off some where for WHAT? Adventure? I’ve taken vacations like that sometimes, just drive til I get tired and camp, spent a couple of summers like that, two times with my kiddos, saw the whole western US I think,and another summer saw the gulf coast.
Unfortunately, “the rolling stone gathers no moss” so it probably isn’t a great financial decision to just take off across country with a back pack. LOL There’s a lot to be said for having a solid roof over our heads.
Hi One step and Oxy!
Speaking of having a roof over your head, one of my long-time reptile friends from the reptile site lives in Jamaica. She is native born and has lived there all her life without the possibility of leaving. Last year during Hurricane Nicole, her roof was nearly ripped off her house, leaving holes where she had to have buckets on her floor, even in the bedroom. During one of my periods of disappointment with men, I needed a distraction. So I started an online fundraiser for her on the reptile site. But I also included all of my real life friends and co-workers. In about two weeks, I managed to raise about $1300 to send to her to get her roof patched up. She is a very kind-hearted person and I can’t think of anyone more deserving. She was beside herself with gratitude and has posted pictures of her roof being fixed. I guess this is one GOOD thing that has come out of my many disappointments with men. If only I could direct those fundraising efforts toward myself! I will say that when you give to others, it comes back to you. I’d put $100 of my own money into that fund. And since then, I’ve been gifted about $800 in money and free services.
Anyway, you (Oxy) are the voice of reason. But I still want to go back to Costa Rica. Knowing myself, I will probably end up going. The trip, ironically, would take me back to the town where Raymond lives for an evening, though I feel it best not to try and see him at this point while I’ve been moving on with my life. There’s a slight chance I could run into him (it’s a small town) or his friends, but I think he will be back in Canada by that time, if I recall correctly. I’m still torn 50/50 about going. I’m hoping for a miracle where $1000 will fall into my lap. I don’t have it in me any more to work 5 jobs to raise the money. Granted, I do have the money. I have about 8-9k in savings. But that is all I have to my name. I will need this to move when the time comes.
I can’t really pick up and go anywhere for good until my cat is gone. She is 18, and it would be too stressful for her to travel anywhere. But the snakes are at the size where I will soon need to give them up anyway. 🙁
In the meantime, while I cannot get to Costa Rica again, I signed up for some salsa classes and Spanish classes. I also signed up for a class on how to pay your way while traveling. I can’t wait to find out. I don’t know why I am hit by the adventure bug so suddenly, turning 50. Maybe I feel it’s the next best thing to love. It’s sad but kind of true. I have adventures every night in my dreams. I go to all kinds of places and meet all kinds of people. But then I wake up to my dull, isolated life. Denver people are very homogenous. They all like the Broncos (ugh) and extreme sports (ugh). It’s sad that I usually have to leave town to meet more interesting people – and even date them.
The sexy neighbor boy came back into my life for a few months. He was calling me and we became gym buddies for a while. Then he stopped calling as mysteriously as he’d started. I just let it go.
Oxy, thanks for your encouragement re my mom. It feels good not to be tethered by that betrayal bond any more. In breaking free of her, I’m also walking away from a possible small inheritance some day. I don’t care any more. There is no amount of money that is worth selling my soul to a narcissist. Period. However, I no longer respond to her with anger. I am cordial and polite.
One Step, I always loved reading your long posts and look forward to the day when I see your real name – whatever it is – on the cover of a book you wrote.
Love,
Star
Hi Star This is Henry – Just wanted to say hello. It’s always good to see you pop in here from time to time. I never had the desire to run away from it all, never have that kind of money so I just dont think about it. If I had lots of money I would never go anywhere, I am happy at home, my home land pets etc. is my sanctuary, my security..I think I am a hermit by choice, is that an unhealthy choice?
Ox we are supposed to get 10” (of snow) tonite and tomorrow with 40 mile per hour winds and -2 degrees for nite time temps….so I am going in to town to get supplys ( cigs and dog food ) to weather out the storm………
Star,
That’s wonderful! I understand completely about walking away from an inheritance, although spathydaddy’s is rather large. I just didn’t care. It just wasn’t worth the controlling behavior. Money was always hung over my head to stay involved. I think they were very shocked that I didn’t care. Best decision I ever made.
Oxy, last night, I was very upset and overwhelmed. I realized what it was this morning. I had a family pow wow with the kids last night and put down some VERY serious, very tight boundaries for myself. It was SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I also realized, after having a long talk with my daughter yesterday, that my son’s have gotten away with EVERYTHING (My babying them), to the point that my daughter’s bf noticed that it was looking “sexist” and “disrespectful” to me. That blew me away. . I’m seeing stuff that I have allowed in being walked all over. STILL! I realized that because my son’s are now growing into MEN, I FEAR them!! What a BIG eye opener!!! This must have been buried at a very deep subconscious level. Men=abuse, even out of my son’s!!!!
So anyway, while explaining to them how I felt, and laying out the boundaries, I noticed something VERY significant. One how UNCOMFORTABLE I was. HOw GUILTY I felt! Two: Son two was CRYING, son three TOTALLY WITHOUT FACIAL EXPRESSION! Then he started blaming/projecting. It was THE single most enlightening moment with regards to my son’s that I”ve seen. Son one was not at this meeting (although I’ll be talking to him too), as he was at work. I’m still processing that. With a lot of concern and will be bringing that to my therapists attention as well.
Why is it so uncomfortable to set boundaries? Why is there so much GUILT?
One of the new boundaries I’ve set forth is that there will be NO MORE KIDS HERE SPENDING THE NIGHT FOR THREE MONTHS. I found myself becoming pissed off that these kids were coming to my home, not picking up after themselves, eating me out of house and home. I’ve been SUCH A WEENIE!! And it has created a great deal of RESENTMENT!!! I love these kids, but what I began to realize is that they were USING me for a place to “kick it”. I felt I needed/wanted the space in my own home to heal and to learn to assert boundaries within my immediate circle, kids and I. My daughter backs me up on this one hundred percent as does her bf who shared his wisdom in what toxicity means and what HIS perspective was about it. He said to me, “LL, your perspective needs to be this from now on: COMPLY OR GOODBYE!”
I think what is so upsetting to me is that outlining boundaries has removed A LOT of people from my life! It’s a lot of loss. When does it start to FEEL right in asserting boundaries? I’ve been Ms. Nice Guy all of my life. It feels VERY selfish to draw lines. It also has a spiritual element in my mind that says I”m being UNKIND. That really bothers me too. I don’t want to be unkind to anyone, but I don’t to be used either.
Any thoughts?
LL
Hi, Stargazer, OxDrover and Henry:
When I glanced at the site just now I decied it must be homecoming and thought I’d drop by to say hi. I’ve been crazed the last few weeks with moving into my new place, et. al. I’m finally unpacked. Now I’m battling with every srevice provider out there to come back and do the job right the second time. If our country’s future is dependent on the service industry we are in severe trouble, if my recent experience is any indication. Still, I love my new place. When I think back of where I was when I first logged onto LF at the end of 2008, I am astonished at how different my life is. After the S, losing my job, losing my health, etc, I am so grateful when I think that I have a new job I love, a new house I love, and a new (actually, after 20 months, not so new) man that I love.
Star, regarding the thing with your mother — there is no such thing as “forgive and forget.” Years ago I worked on one of the morning news shows and interviewed something called the “International Forgiveness Institute” or something like that, located in Wisconsin. The person there told me that the whole point of forgiveness is so that you can break the hold the other person has on you and move on. That doesn’t mean forgetting. They also said you can generally forget about the perpetrator ever apologizing to you. Forgiveness, as I understand it, is an internal thing. When you’re ready, you have a conversagtion in your mind, write a letter and don’t mail it, what ever you need to do, and let it go. And the fact of the matter is you may never be in a place to let it go. The point is — the call is yours — not your mother’s.
Hello Mister Matt…..I am happy for you and I can relate with the service industry being so bad…even fast food places cant get the order right and dont put napkins in the sack…I think we should rebell like the folks in Egypt – I want NAPKINS with my TACO”S is that too much to ask?
Matt/Dances,
I have a concern and a question for you. My son is a young gay man. He works at our airport as a chef. There is a man, I believe STRONGLY sociopathic, who flies in and lures my son into dark corners during his breaks, for a “Sexual feel up”. While my son was telling me this, I was shocked and extremely concerned. The sexual desire part doesn’t shock me, but the casualness on this other guys part and my son being smitten, tells me something is definitely off. My son says I don’t understand what it is to be a gay man. He’s totally right on that level, however, how can I explain to my son about sociopaths, given his naivete and what to watch out for? How to protect himself as a gay man?
LL
LL ..Dont worry about it.
DM, how can I NOT worry about it? I can’t stop him from doing what he’s going to do, but…….isn’t a conversation about my concerns worth an effort or?
Just want my son to be safe.
LL
Wow, what a great reunion for old and new friends here!
Henry, I can hardly keep up with your name changes, but thanks for clueing me in! I will now have to go back and read some of your posts. I envy your happiness in your home and I just imagine how beautiful your garden is. I don’t recall whether you ever planted the Stargazer lilies…. I am not unhappy in my little condo. I just feel isolated here. Turning 50 has brought an urgency to my life to make some needed changes before it’s too late.
Matt, I’m so happy things are going well for you. You have come such a long way from when you first arrived here. How is the relationship going? Are you moving in together? I still cannot thank you enough for helping me write that letter to my senator which brought me final closure with my former spath boyfriend.
LL:
I remember for YEARS I let everyone and anyone walk on me. It was hard when I started setting boundaries. I often got very angry and alienated a lot of people. When I started really putting myself first, I found that a lot of people left my life who probably shouldn’t have been there in the first place. I still sometimes struggle with boundaries because I feel like I’m being selfish when I have to cut someone off or ask a massage client to leave after the massage is over when they want to chit chat. Over the years, I’ve learned more gracious ways to do it. I think it’s GREAT that you are discovering your boundaries too. Keep going – it gets easier. You may feel like you’re being selfish or a bad person. People will react and sometimes try to push harder, because it’s what they’re used to. But how can you really take care of anyone else if you cannot first take care of yourself?
I lost a recovering alcoholic friend a few summers ago because she kept asking me for favors. One day I just said no to a favor. She got very upset. She believed that a real friend will ALWAYS help a friend in need and never say no. I disagreed. I told her that if you can’t say “no”, you will never really authentically be able to say “yes”. We parted ways and I never heard from her again. Oh well!
The bottom line is…it’s okay to do what feels good to you and not to do what doesn’t feel good. Or not to accept behaviors that don’t feel good to you. You are in charge of that decision – not others. Once you start taking care of yourself in this way, you will begin to trust yourself. I applaud you for taking the first step in that direction! I don’t know you but I think you are doing great.