The question was, “When can you trust your man?”
A reporter who was writing an article on the topic for a major women’s magazine asked the question. It showed up in my e-mail because I subscribe to a service that distributes questions from reporters to experts all around the world who may be able to answer them.
I knew what the reporter was looking for. She wanted succinct little tips like:
- “You can trust your man if he always shows up when he says he will, or at least calls to tell you he’ll be late.”
- “You can trust your man if he introduces you to his mother.”
- “You can trust your man if he shows you his income tax return.”
But, after being married to a sociopath, and hearing the stories of so many Lovefraud readers, I knew that these external signs may not be accurate.
The luring stage
In the beginning of a relationship, the luring stage, sociopaths can be reliable and punctual. They may seem proud to introduce you to their families. They may appear to be financially solvent.
Sociopathic individuals can appear to be deserving of respect, love and trust as long as it suits their purpose. These predators know what they are supposed to do to win over a lover. And they are capable of actually doing it—at least until they feel like they no longer need to.
Once they have their hooks set in you, they may be late—or even disappear for days or weeks with no explanation. Their families may trip over themselves to be good to you—probably because they want you to take the parasite off their hands. And they may flash cash and financial documents—cash taken from the previous partner, and documents that are forged.
So how do you know when to trust your man—or woman? Here’s my answer: You can trust your partner when you can trust yourself.
Trusting yourself
When it comes to romantic relationships, there are two dimensions to trusting yourself.
The first is your own sense of self. You know who you are, what you want, and where your boundaries are. You know that you deserve to be loved simply for being yourself. You understand that a relationship involves giving and taking by both parties, not one person doing all the giving and the other all the taking. You will not jeopardize your well-being in order to have companionship.
The second dimension is trusting your intuition. Your gut, your body, your sixth sense, will tell you when something is wrong. You must have to have enough faith in yourself that you can hear or feel the intuitive messages, and pay attention to them. We get in trouble when we allow ourselves to be talked out of what our intuition is telling us. When a person or suggestion makes us feel uncomfortable, that’s our early warning system, and we must trust ourselves enough to listen.
I responded to the magazine reporter’s inquiry. I told her than the time to trust a man is when we trust ourselves. She didn’t reply. I assume that my answer wasn’t what she wanted.
On boundaries: We all grew up in the Judeo-Christian society where we were taught to always to put others’ needs above ours. It’s not just our familial upbringing that we go against when we set boundaries; it’s our cultural upbringing as well. Many of my co-workers regard me as a selfish person because I don’t willingly say yes to every request that is made of me. I watch them suffer with resentment from taking on baby showers and wedding showers that they really don’t want to take on for mutual co-workers. Or just doing things to please their in-laws or spouses that they don’t want to do. It is my perception that MOST of our society is brainwashed into this dutiful role. The whole ‘team player’ thing is kind of a catch 22. I know when something is really needed of me, I always come through for the team. But I don’t have to say yes to every request to be a team player. When I first started saying “no”, I said it all the time and felt like I was really selfish. But later, I could add in a few “yeses” here and there and feel good about it. One example is that the girls in my office are always having potlucks. I don’t mind participating in potlucks, but they all usually bring very fatty and starchy foods that I don’t eat. If I want something healthy, I have to bring it myself. It’s not a really great deal for me. But I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings so I just went along with it for a few years. Finally one day, the potluck email went around, and I politely declined. To my amazement, several other people were relieved because they wanted to decline too, but didn’t want to rock the boat. I told them that I love the potluck food but it’s too tempting for me because I’m on a strict diet (polite, right?) So now we have much fewer potlucks, and we enjoy them more. And the girls make an effort to bring healthier things, which I appreciate.
It takes courage to go against your family patterns and against societal norms to stand up and be your own person! You get used to it after a while. My co-workers consider me eccentric. But I think many of them envy my freedom, too.
So the other side of it is that once you know you can say “no”, then you can negotiate with yourself over which distasteful obligations you will honor. Sometimes there are things we need to do that we don’t really want to do, but we feel it will have a better outcome if we do it. Like maybe it’s someone’s wedding that we’re not excited about going to. We can align with the positive reasons for doing it, and in doing so, not feel resentment. “It will really mean a lot to so and so if we go to her wedding.” The difference is that you “know” you have a choice. When I used to let people walk all over me, I didn’t feel like I had a choice.
WOW, this post is somewhat enlightening….
I can only ask advice and know I will get it here, which is GREAT because you get different views…but ultimately, it’s up to me.
Why is it a problem to be “open” somewhat with my son telling me about what’s going on with him sexually? He didn’t go into great detail (didn’t want to hear it), but just the overall situation…..so that it helped me understand what was going on. Apparently, that kind of openness, in what I’ve shared here is somehow “Inappropriate”. Really? I don’t agree. I’ve heard worse. Granted, I dont’ need details, but he didn’t GO into details……..but I’m not afraid to hear about how he FEELS about it and that goes along with the incidences………I’m okay with that, sorry if it offends the rest of you.
I don’t like “labels” insofar as my son, unfortunately, this is how society works, gay, queer, faggot, you name it, my son has been called it. He has to learn that the lifestyle he lives not everyone is goign to be happy about. TOUGH SHIT, get over it!!!
He has to live with his choices. I have taught him the from the beginning when he came out to me. No one has to like it, they don’t have to like that my son is so “revealing”….but that evades truth to do anything else and if there is ONE thing I’ve insisted upon from my children IS THE TRUTH… DON”T FUCKING LIE TO ME… I DON”T CARE HOW BAD YOU THINK IT IS< I"D RATHER KNOW THE TRUTH THAN A LIE…and that's what i"m sticking too.
Dm, I support what you're saying, It's your right to say you're offended by use of certain terminology, but being a gay man you have to know that some people are NOT going to give a shit about that.
But I do. How should I address you so that you're comfortable? I think that's respectful in asking.
This has REALLY pissed me off. I wonder if a lot of you see the fear in what you're saying………gay OR straight………
For me that's sad.
I don't want to hide shit from anyone and I don't expect them to hide it from me. That's kinda spathy.
I'd rather it be real.
If I have a problem with it, IT"S MY PROBLEM< not yours!!
But we can agree to disagree. And while I learn so much here and am so grateful this blog exists, one of the beautiful things about it is that we are ALLOWED to agree to disagree and still have respect.
What my son told me I don't feel is "inappropriate". He was being honest.
I'd rather know the truth than a nice convoluted pretty lie all tied up in a bow to make ME feel better.
Whatever.
LL
LL I think it is great that your son is open and comfortable discussing his personal life with you. I said I was surprised, never said it was inapropriate. If that is the relationship you have with your children then great..I would however find it odd if he shared the gory details, the same way I would find it odd if my son shared his gory details about his sex life with me. I think it is great he has told you about this airplane dood. I dont think you can save him from being hurt or dissapointed by this dood. Your son seems to be enjoying it, maybe that’s all he wants from this dood. And their is nothing wrong with that either…
LL I dont like labels either…so just call me DM and I am comfortable being the gay guy on LF.. I am pushing 60 and believe me, their were no coming out parties when I was 20…it is so different now then it was then – and I admire you for being so loving to your son…however I will disagree with you ‘again’ it was not his choice to be gay as you said in your above post…… respectfully ‘Dances with Moon…….’
DM
Ohhhhhhhh sweetheart………….this is where I part from those who believe it is a “choice” to be gay……I didn’t mean anything to that, even if implied.
I KNEW my son was gay, even when he finally revealed to me. I already KNEW, even his P dad knew lol!!! I have always loved my son…..but it was less disturbing that he was gay, or his “coming out” to me than it was to find out that he was a juvenile sex offender on the same day. He’s gone through treatment and is but a few of the success stories…………mindful of his behaviors, but he’s also a gay man now who wants to dabble in, well, being gay 🙂
I believe my son was born gay. I DO NOT think that everyone will believe that. I have had a lot of criticism because I do.
I love my son, DM, DEARLY. He’s worked VERY hard on himself and he deserves my respect and I have his. We have some “tweeking” to do that way….but it’s the bottom line.
It wasn’t his choice to be gay. He is what he is.
Just wanted to set you straight on that. Oh……..oops freudian slip 🙂
I”m far more open, one thing I know of me for sure, than others are comfortable with.
LL
LL- one of the most important things for me on lf, was a few nights of ranting in rage a few months ago. What i remember most was EB saying, ‘you go girl’. most of it happened during our late nigth posting parties where we would get silly about food and drink – there’d be 4 or 5 of us here, and I felt safe to let go. Those nights did a lot for my healing.
One
Yea…………you guys mean so much to me….in just letting me be pissed…….it’s so surreal……….massive pain, mixed in with massive anger………..
I’m so angry. Just so very very angry………
And part of me feels so sad for feeling so angry……..
I want to find meaning behind all of this pain and anger………..
ANd right now, One, it’s all I know. IT’s all I feel, just the pain, anger and what goes against my grain………….selfish self absorption, projection, nastiness.
I’m an absolute bitch.
LL
so be it LL – if bitch you be, the then bitch you be.
i had some clarity about a year ago – but then i lost it for months. i don’t know how long it’s going to take to find the meaning in it for me – a long time. i have a lot of work to do – and i am still in the ‘survive’ stage.
i don’t know that i am a bitch, but i am pretty angry in general these days. i am SICK to death of people, and how they communicate and don’t take responsibility for their end of the bargain – whatever the bargain is. i thought my head would blow up earlier today – and it may yet before the week is out. and this isn’t good for me – my BP doesn’t need to spike that high.
my point is, we are in confused pain for a LONG time usually – try to ride it. i don’t know that we can figure it out. I am now just giving myself all the time i need. i don’t function well in the world now, but i can get back there – in time. i have more patience for the whole thing now that i am only 3/4 crazy. 😉
peace out all….zzzzzzz
One,
I love the way you put things………..but………..how do you function as you do? Successful in business and creativity to do it?
I”m so lost, I can’t even imagine that right now……….I don’t feel I’m on the timing that I “should” be, whatever the hell that is…..I don’t feel supported for where I’m at, but yet I do….
I can’t expect that everyone here iknows me or what I’ve been through. I can’t expect to know everyone else’s experiences here…….some of the stuff that is said to me, I know is not coming from a whole……….it’s meant well, but it’s not coming from a whole perspective……….you can only know that face to face….but yet there is something on this blog and those that contribute that FORCES me to THINK (Questy/oxy, you certainly do!), where I could not before…….yet I still feel so stupid.
One, if there was one wish I could have right now, even if just given one instead of three lol! It would be not to be in this place…….
I just want to love. To give love. To receive love. Unfortunately, those I’ve chosen to do that……….can’t give/receive at all……
I’ve hung my hat on that too long………if I were trying to do what you do everyday, I’d want to off myself lol! I don’t mean to make light one………just sayin that you’re a lot stronger than I….and your wisdom shows in conveying through words, your experiences and I hang on every word.
LL
Aussie/One….
We’ve agreed on a ‘deal’. contract written, will be signed prior to searching.
I’ve got a good feeling, the guy checks out…..all is in order.
Only time will tell.
It’s sketch either way…….but I gotta do it!
I’ve got peeps that will be watching from the cameras.
I’ve informed him every inch of my property is under remote video surviellance.
He had no problem with that.
I’m excited, yet keeping a healthy skepticism about the company i’ll be in tomorrow…….to keep grounded and keep safe.
And yeah….I’m hetrosexual…..so please don’t call me straight….I just hate that!!! 🙂 (sorry I had to!) 🙂
gotta get a good night……got some diggen to do tomorrow….HOPEFULLY!
🙂