The question was, “When can you trust your man?”
A reporter who was writing an article on the topic for a major women’s magazine asked the question. It showed up in my e-mail because I subscribe to a service that distributes questions from reporters to experts all around the world who may be able to answer them.
I knew what the reporter was looking for. She wanted succinct little tips like:
- “You can trust your man if he always shows up when he says he will, or at least calls to tell you he’ll be late.”
- “You can trust your man if he introduces you to his mother.”
- “You can trust your man if he shows you his income tax return.”
But, after being married to a sociopath, and hearing the stories of so many Lovefraud readers, I knew that these external signs may not be accurate.
The luring stage
In the beginning of a relationship, the luring stage, sociopaths can be reliable and punctual. They may seem proud to introduce you to their families. They may appear to be financially solvent.
Sociopathic individuals can appear to be deserving of respect, love and trust as long as it suits their purpose. These predators know what they are supposed to do to win over a lover. And they are capable of actually doing it—at least until they feel like they no longer need to.
Once they have their hooks set in you, they may be late—or even disappear for days or weeks with no explanation. Their families may trip over themselves to be good to you—probably because they want you to take the parasite off their hands. And they may flash cash and financial documents—cash taken from the previous partner, and documents that are forged.
So how do you know when to trust your man—or woman? Here’s my answer: You can trust your partner when you can trust yourself.
Trusting yourself
When it comes to romantic relationships, there are two dimensions to trusting yourself.
The first is your own sense of self. You know who you are, what you want, and where your boundaries are. You know that you deserve to be loved simply for being yourself. You understand that a relationship involves giving and taking by both parties, not one person doing all the giving and the other all the taking. You will not jeopardize your well-being in order to have companionship.
The second dimension is trusting your intuition. Your gut, your body, your sixth sense, will tell you when something is wrong. You must have to have enough faith in yourself that you can hear or feel the intuitive messages, and pay attention to them. We get in trouble when we allow ourselves to be talked out of what our intuition is telling us. When a person or suggestion makes us feel uncomfortable, that’s our early warning system, and we must trust ourselves enough to listen.
I responded to the magazine reporter’s inquiry. I told her than the time to trust a man is when we trust ourselves. She didn’t reply. I assume that my answer wasn’t what she wanted.
Oh oops, Ox, I’m sorry, I needed to scroll up further to see what happened. Thilly me 🙂
LL
Oxy,
I second LL’s questions. Don’t want to be nosy but some of us, who are just learning boundaries, get confused. If it weren’t for Kathleen Hawks posts, I wouldn’t even know what boundaries were. I feel like I need a bit of hand holding – which you and Kathy have done so much for me. I’m always open to learning more.
Dear Sky,
Believe me, I don’t give anyone a skate for alcohol abuse or drug addiction, no one forced it down his lips. If his hangover is what made him cranky, tooooooo bad!!!! LOL
Not every arsehole is a psychopath or antisocial personality disorder —sometimes they are just garden variety common arseholes. I’ve been around enough of both kinds both professionally and personally to pretty well tell the differences between the two. If you went down the PCL-R he isn’t going to score very high on the check list, he’s always worked for a living, doesn’t steal or rob banks, never been in prison, only been married twice, the first one at a very early age that didn’t last long, then this marriage for 43 years, doesn’t cheat on his wife as far as I know, is helpful and good to his neighbors, took excellent care of his son when the son was left a quad 30+ years ago (that was how I met them when their son was in the hospital where I was supervisor) so while he IS in my opinion emotionally abusive to his wife and verbally at times, he isn’t all bad by any means, but those good qualities do not mean I will let him verbally abuse me or any more of the passive aggressive carp either! LOL
WTF eyebrow! Yea, great!!!!
Ox,
Interesting……….
Mine has never robbed banks either. Has worked the same job for twenty five years (although his relationshit with me almost got him fired for an “ethics”violation, he beat it), married twice, don’t know if he cheated on wife one, but DUH on wife two (with me nine out of the 17 they were married), owns his home and has for fourteen years. Pays his bills (as far as I know), takes care of his 13 year old (what I think is turning into spathy)son, who is also diabetic, (just bought him a pump a few months ago), pays his child support, owns his car, has a motorcycle, a truck, beautiful property that the house sits on, and a dog that he actually feeds. He also has joint custody of the children, biweekly.
Does that make him NOT a spath. No effing way.
I’ve never known him to do ONE good deed for anyone unless there was something in it FOR HIM. Period. His personality doesn’t scream KINDNESS. the one neighbor he calls “friend” he has helped with building projects around his house, but he’s also backstabbed the shiat out of this man to me. He’s also EXPOS’s insurance agent for house and car.
Little BASTARD…………..but it all LOOKS good fromthe outside huh?
And THAT was part of the mindeffing too. Don’t ALL of them have some good qualities? I think I see what you’re saying…..but if his wife is very depressed and he’s an asshole, is he JUST an asshole? What’s the difference if the behavior is destructive and painful to those he should love the most? Or are we just talking semantics here? Personality disorders now fascinate me. I’d like to learn A LOT more about it, particularly with regards to degree, extent and the differences of those who may be abusive but display some empathy andthose that do not.
LL
Sky,
We posted over each other….about the boundaries, believe me I didn’t know what they were either when I started on this journey, in fact, I think my lack of boundary setting was what caused me to get so deeply into all this carp and allow repeated abuses by psychopaths and others…I did selectively set boundaries for SOME people (though I really didn’t know what I was doing) but just couldn’t stop trying to make everyone else happy, or feeling that it was MY PROBLEM if someone else is unhappy.
Just like with my friend, who has been a close friend for 30+ years, and I do love her like a sister, BUT is it MY problem that she and her husband are having problems? NO!!!! Not my problem. Can I fix it? Is it my problem that SHE is depressed? No, it is not my problem, and NO, I can’t fix it. Should I let it impact on me? NO I should not let it impact on me. Will her marital problems and her depression have an adverse impact on our friendship, PROBABLY there is not much way I can avoid that. However, allowing her husband to speak to me in a hateful manner is NOT A SOLUTION. Allowing him to behave in a passive aggressive way isn’t a solution either. Actually, I would have come home several days before I did if I had not ridden the train down there and was without a vehicle, and believe me if you are “afoot” in west Texas you are AFOOT for sure! There isn’t even anyone you can call to drive you, there aren’t any taxis for 100 miles.
Learning to set boundaries was very difficult for me, and the first time I realized what was going on, (a couple of years ago) I cried for two days. A “friend” who was NO friend and her un-friend husband were actually staying here on the farm in their motor home and I CAUGHT her in the act of stealing from me. She was “embarrassed” of course and I was “embarrassed” and I pretended I didn’t see….and then I was angry/hurt/sad and ANXIOUS because I knew i said anything to her about it there was a fight on, and if I didn’t say anything then I felt used and abused so it was PUT UP OR SHUT UP TIME, OXY! I had to do something one way or another and I went back and forth and back and forth and cried and then I told my son D about it and asked him if my decision about how to act on this problem was “too severe” or was “reasonable” well, he said “it is reasonable” so strengthened by his opinion, I went to them and told them that they would have to leave the farm that “this just isn’t working out” (to use Kathy’s terms) and that they had two weeks to leave. They didn’t ask me “why” or anything else, I think they KNEW WHY, though I didn’t say anything about “why” just “this is NOT working and you need to leave.” There were other things too besides the theft, they were slowly “taking over” and it was getting harder and harder for me to “keep the peace” and “keep from upsetting them” when they crossed over reasonable boundaries of courtesy.
Basically that is what a boundary is, COURTESY. Saying “please and thank you” and cleaning up after yourself if you make a mess, doing your share of the work, paying your share of the freight, not mooching off someone else. It’s okay to help someone, and it is okay to be helped, but you are still responsible for yourself and I am still responsible for myself. We can agree on the “rules” if we live in the same household and if we both respect each other’s space and live by the rules we have agreed on, it should be no problem.
My son D is probably the BEST “roomie” I have ever had, and he picks up after himself, he is reliable, does what he says he will do, doesn’t disrespect me in any way. Does his share of the work around the farm, does anything I ask him to, and is free to ask me for what he needs or wants. We respect each other’s privacy and space and share the work load.
We have had very few quarrels of any kind in the entire time I have known him, and we have worked those out in a respectful way without screaming or yelling or name calling and we don’t lie to each other.
Learning to set boundaries and not “over react” by getting a “chip on your shoulder” and bowing up at every “little slight” is something that I think we all have to learn. So letting the “little stuff” slide off but being aware of it, watching for red flags, and then when you see DISHONESTY and/or cruelty on the part of that person, get away from them…even if it means that the relationship goes down the drain. Why do we need bad relationships? I don’t think we do.
Dear LL,
There are some articles here that Dr. Leedom wrote about the “degrees” of psychopathic behaviors and personality disorders, and I totally agree with her take on it that there are “degrees” of psychopathy, and some are worse than others. There is still a lot of arguments even among professionals about the degrees and definitons of psychopathy but read Dr. Leedom’s articles and see what you think. There is a LOT to learn and I suggest you keep on reading the articles here in the archives. Some good stuff.
Oxy,
thank you. that simple stuff is hard for me. I don’t clean up enough around my BF’s house, I think. I’m very depressed all the time and he puts up with me. He pays all my bills (thousands in credit cards from the exP) and I act almost like a spath, just moping around, not doing too much to earn my keep. It’s because I don’t feel right with the shit my parental units have laid on me. And my BF is not completely innocent either, he has issues, and isn’t capable of love, so he says. but he acts very loving, more than anyone I’ve ever met.
Ack, didn’t mean to spill this all on you. I’m going to a therapist this week, if I can get an appt.
This crap is hard work. Barffff. whoops sorry didn’t mean to get that on you.:(
Ox,
I’ve been reading articles here until I’m numb. I’ve been reading ALOT of Dr. Leedom’s articles too. I understand the arguments between “degrees”, also a great curiosity was to whether or not NPD was totally taken out of the DSM-5. I’m curious Ox, I wonder if all of the extreme personality disorders, such as N/P/S. those that are hallmarked by lack of empathy, blaming, manipulating, lying, guiltless, remorseless,….should not be put into the category of ASPD and THEN varying by “degrees”? I was giving some thoughts today about this while going through some of the articles.
Your thoughts on this? I think the confusion about what constitutes a P/N/S is largely due in part by symptoms that are associated to one and not the other, MAINLY, lack of CONSCIENCE altogether being one and then swinging from there. As P’s are so good at disguising themselves, how in the world do you really get an accurate view of who is empathetic and who is not, especially with regards to extremes? If one KILLS does that extreme mean that if others don’t they are less ruinous or dangerous to those around them and should not be treated equally, simply because they fly under the social, personal radar?
Just some thoughts. This is so interesting to me, I could go on for hours.
LL
OX,
WOW! I Just read your post about the one I just addressed!
WHat a powerful POST in example as to how to set boundaries and how you learned to do that!
Thanks for sharing that Ox. That’s a great enlightenment for me, if not validation in setting my OWN boundaries and the work in doing so!!
LL.
silvermoon, love that link you posted! Also doesn’t hurt that a young Rufus Wainwright is also singing in that group 😉 wonderful song.