Nearly all of the research into sociopathy has involved evaluating the personality traits of adult men in prison. The reason for this is that researchers have easy access to adult prisoners and more prisoners are male. Think about it—how else would a researcher find sociopaths to study? The problem with studying sociopathy in male prisoners is that we learn nothing about sociopaths who never get arrested. We also don’t know if the research results apply to women.
There is actually very little research data available regarding sociopathy in non-criminals and in women. The little research that has been done reveals that sociopathy in women entails two or three main features that are similar to those found in men. Namely, female sociopaths lack empathy and enjoy manipulating and exploiting others. Violent and impulsive behavior is less common in sociopathic women. This fact may make them more dangerous, as they more easily blend in with the rest of society.
The key traits of sociopathic females
A recent study of adolescent girls in detention performed by Crystal L. Schrum, M.A. and Randall T. Salekin, Ph.D. of the University of Alabama and reported in Behavioral Sciences and the Law, revealed the core qualities that best described young female sociopaths. The teens were callous and lacked empathy, had a grandiose sense of self worth and were conning and manipulative. They were also likely to engage in impersonal sexual relationships. Importantly, the researchers revealed that female sociopaths did not necessarily have “shallow emotions.” Again the lack of impulsivity and shallow emotions may make a female sociopath more difficult to spot.
Please read the true Lovefraud story of Michelle Drake. Notice that female sociopaths victimize other women as well as men. This vignette illustrates many of the core qualities of a female sociopath. As I read this case, I was painfully reminded of the male sociopath who was once part of my life; so perhaps the similarities between male and female sociopaths are more important than the differences. What struck me about the story is the elaborate con she perpetrated for really very little money. This case illustrates something truly amazing about sociopaths—the degree to which they derive pleasure from conning others. Their hoaxes are often outlandish and grandiose.
A friend of mine, who was once in law enforcement, says that conning is the sociopath’s profession and that that he/she may not even do it for the money. Conning is instead the work they have a passion for. As my friend says, “When a sociopath wakes up and opens his eyes in the morning, it’s show time!” I can envision Michelle saying that to herself as she donned the fake pregnancy costume.
The public and the courts are sympathetic toward female sociopaths
The case of Michelle Drake also illustrates something else about female sociopaths. The courts are more likely to go easy on them. This attitude of the courts may reflect the fact that many people excuse the behavior of female sociopaths and feel sorry for them. Look at the cases of women in the news lately. We don’t know if the women involved are sociopaths, however, these cases do illustrate the double standard that exists in how we judge female as opposed to male antisocial behavior. Several women teachers have been found guilty of sexually exploiting students. They were treated very leniently for the same crimes that would have put a man in jail for many years.
The NASA astronaut arrested for attempted murder is another example of the way people treat women differently and don’t take their crimes seriously. This week, a restaurant owner in Florida held a benefit night to raise money for the astronaut’s family. News commentators have been quick to voice sympathy for the astronaut, yet I have not heard a one express sympathy for the victim. I remind you that it is alleged that the astronaut sprayed her victim with mace and planned to kill her.
In conclusion, sociopathy is less common in women. Women who are sociopaths may not appear as shallow as men who are sociopaths. They are also less angry and impulsive compared to men. Although violence is less commonly perpetrated by women, if you are the victim, these statistics don’t matter.
FPT, that is quite a story. Sounds like Michelle treated you exactly the same way your mother did. Very sad. How are you feeling now? Maybe I shouldn’t ask that, I’ll just have to wait for the rest of the story!
Bless your little heart for taking the time to listen to my rambling story.
I’ve just read all the comments and posts. I am truly impressed by y’all!
I don’t usually comment on others’ stories–just habit I guess– unless they ask for it. But I do read everything here.
I hereby give all of y’all permission to comment, ask questions, or call me on my s…t.! I don’t mind as long as it’s constructive.
there should be no doubt, at least in my own case, that the codependent is nearly as crazy as the sociopath. We keep doing more and more, just to deny reality more and more, …
HI TB, your story makes my insides twist into a knot. BIG LOVES to you.xxxx Psyche, Oxy, and Rosa have great advice. My initial response was similar to Rosa in thinking that in order to be involved you will have to make it all about her, not your GD:(
I am in a situation with my Daughter that is different in that it’s the ED GM who is ‘using’ MY child as supply, as a tool to hurt me, and doing all she can to turn her into a greedy co-dependant baby its driving me nuts at the moment . The utter helplessness. The not wanting to ‘let go’.
{Edit – I REALLY have to address how I think and feel about all this, how I feel about daughter… I dont like what I called her up there… thinks.thinks.thinks.}
As long as I try to battle it, it’s GAME ON. I’m back in the drama triangle. AND I think ADDING to the ‘use’ of daughter as a tug of war rope.:(:(
If I step away, her interest in daughter wanes… and daughter is left unsupported and ‘at risk’ in a situation beyond her ‘means’… step back in GAME ON. Rinse and repeat…:(
This is her MO. As kids, she neglected and abused me and my sisters but if anyone showed us affection or we bonded with anyone ‘outside’ of her we’d be yanked away and the person would be trashed to kingdom come
Also I remember many times we were left in cars over night with duvets outside pubs she was gigging at with her ‘band’ – she was in her 30’s! If you cant find a baby-sitter you dont go! Simple! Of course this wont be ‘remembered’ by her.
I dont know what to do for the best either. Or how to cope with my emotions about it.:(x
At least my daughter is old enough to come to me if she needs to (which she does, with worries, personal issues – and I am gratful that I can still be ‘mum’ for those things… but ED is the big CRAZY elephant in the room) and I will always be here:(
I get a lot of comfort in the posts above that talk of even if we cant ‘fix’ the situation, we can focus on channelling positive ‘protective thoughts’ towards the loved one… I find that a really helpful idea and good medicine for not falling in a heap on the floor.
Now here’s a thing.
The female sociopath I was conned by HAD NO PHOTOS OF HER IN HER 20’s or TEENs.
No matter how many times I said I would like have seen photos of her before she met me the answer was always. I have none left. Tore them up. The only photo she had was of a baby and it was all part of the “little girl” thingy they play with you.
Has this happened anyone else. That the female(or male) sociopath had no history of themselves before you met them in terms of photos and videos?
Why is this?
Karla Holmolka is seeking a pardon. Cdn. politicians step up.
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/100617/national/homolka_pardon
frank lee – my take on your situation is – a) she’s lying/ hiding something (ie her real life isn’t the same as her made up life); b) she doesn’t care about anything and pictures are just part of not having emotional attachment to anything (and the pics serve no purpose in how she cons people – so they are of no use to her); c) someone angry with her destroyed them.
mine used other people’s photos to be her whole fake family. a dozen different people’s photos she stole on the internet to rep her closest family. oh, and the cat. (watch out there spatho, i know the cat’s REAL name.)
Frank Lee, My Ex Spath left all his family portraits, videos old slides, scrap books behind. They are in my home as I write. I even have his parents portrait (both deceased now). I contacted his ex-wife’s attorney and told him to inform her that she and/or the children (both adults now) can come by any time and pick the family memorabilia up. To this date … NO takers.
I figure, I’ll just store them for the future if he ever gets picked up (God willing) and spends time in prison. Then I’ll forward him all that he left behind since he was too busy stealing all my possessions.
Frank lee speaking, “She” may have been a guy in her 20s. The University hospital medicalo school I trained in did several of these operations on fairly young guys and believe me, you could NOT tell unless you knew. Or, there may have been some other reason there were no photos, like she was in prison. The only photos I have of my P son outside prison is one when he was on parole for a couple of months, all the rest are in the prison visiting room with him in prison clothes.
I can think of several reasons there may have been no photos of her.
Twice Betrayed,
You made some comments about your health not being all that great now due to stress past and present. OK, I can DEFINITELY RELATE!
You made another statement though, “I cannot divorce my kids” NOW WITH THIS ONE, I DISAGREE. I divorced them and over all my health is improving! I feel better, and I’m taking care of myself.
When you have had your stress for a long timem and the LEVEL OF HORMONES IS ALWAYS HIGH, it takes time for them to readjust and come back down. It doesn’t get bad in a day and it doesn’t get frixed in a day. It is almost like being drunk all the time, your body gets used to it. So, anyway, you sort of have to make a conscious effort stop the upheavals that go on that cause you to be pithed off, mad, upset, stressed out, feel pressure, “I should’s” and all that OVER THINGS YOU CAN DO NOTHING ABOUT.
OK, you know what your daughter’s PURPOSE IS. 1) to NOT let your GD get to know you enough to really love you 2) to dangle the child in front of your nose, KNOWING YOU WANT time with the girl, and relishing you KNOWING YOU CAN’T HAVE IT.
I would say those asre more than enough grounds for you to DIVBORCE that witch, she3 is GETTING OFF ON GIVING YOU STRESS, KEEPING THE CHILD AND YOU UPSET —so you only have two choices 1) keep on like it is and you and the child suffer AND she gets off on doing it to the both of you OR 2) Tell her that as lolng as that is her attitude, you will not play her game. NC Tell her that since you won’t be able to see your GD that you will start a little savings account for her and put money in there for when she is 18. Then sTart a box of Cards and each birthday, holiday etc. write a sweet card and put in the box along with a charm b racelet and a charm. Then open a little savings account for her and one day you can give them to her and she will realize that HER MOTHER kept her away from you.
I know it sucks, TB, but that is what that witch of a daughter of yours is TRYING TO DO! What she WANTs to do. It hurts to divorce them, but not doing is is like still being married to the P. ((((Hugs))))))
Hi Twice,
I gave your situation some thought last night, and am thinking that you might want to try the cupcake trick. If you decide that you need to stay in the relationship with your daughter, for your GD’s sake (and I can see why Ox recommends not doing so in the post just above this one), you could try to use the cupcake trick. I use it on my female Spath at work.. I’d love to ‘divorce’ that witch, but I’m not stable enough to leave my current job.
If what you see is right: “my daughter is evil just like her father!!!! Bad wicked. And what is so sad is, she was sweet just like her daughter when she was little. I do feel my daughter loves to drive people, especially me, nuts and as you say, worse.” — then you can use that truth.
Here’s how my female colleague at work plays. There might be something I really want, maybe to be included on some committee or other, whatever — let’s just use a chocolate covered chocolate cupcake for an example. Imagine it’s sitting on the table in our lunchroom. It will sit there for a thousand years if the Spath doesn’t realize someone likes it and wants it. BUT, if the Spath realizes that I want it, she’ll swoop in, grab it and try to torment me by holding it out in front of me, trying to make me grab for it, and pull it away just before I can get my hands on it. You get the idea. She may even offer pieces of it to other people while I sit there and watch her do it. And then she’ll smile at me. Infantile biotch, but you get the idea.
Right now, your daughter has turned your GD into that chocolate cupcake. I am not sure that this is a suggestion that you should take, but I’m going to put it out there, just in case. You can try to get your daughter to believe that you’ve just given up on trying to deal with the issue of her taking your GD out with her, to have her little ears blasted out. Just pretend to be so very tired of the arguments, and LAUGH it off somehow. You’ve got to get her off the idea that she can use your GD like a cupcake to hurt you. I KNOW, this goes against normal good judgment, to pretend like you don’t care when you do. And your daughter will probably try to test you, by continuing with the behavior, to see if it can get a rise out of you. Do not let her know that you care anymore. The ugly fact is, she’ll prob. keep up with the behavior for a while anyway, whether you get upset about it or not. My suggestion may be too late to really work, because she already knows you care — but you can still try to shift her focus, by putting a different cupcake of your choice out on the table, to see what happens. Pick a flavor of cupcake that you don’t really like – that would be a strawberry cupcake for me. Put the strawberry cupcake on the table, and talk about how everyone just loves strawberry cupcakes, or whatever. You get the idea. Your daughter may try to torment you with that one instead, if she gets enough of a rise out of you when she tries.
In other words, allow her to believe that you may feel anxiety, fear, desire about the strawberry cupcake, and your daughter may swoop in to try to torture you with that instead. Remember that they think we care about all the stupid things that they care about (anything to do with status, power, control). Use that knowledge when you choose a new cupcake. Pick something you don’t care about that she’ll just *imagine* you care about. Let your daughter imagine that your greatest fear is that she may try to take that thing/strawberry cupcake away. If she’s busy trying to torment you with the new cupcake, she may not have as much fun trying to torment you by taking your GD out like she’s 18 years old, especially if she’s not getting a rise out of you about the latter. If you’re not a good actress, as I’m not, just be sure to give her a few signs that at least suggest that she may really be getting to you, when she tries to torment you with the new cupcake. It might intrigue her enough to get her going.
If stupid cupcake games aren’t your style (and before anyone says it, I agree that they ARE stupid and possibly dangerous, and I don’t like them one bit, except for the fact that they’ve helped me navigate an impossible situation at work), calling child services might be okay, if you could somehow document your daughter’s harmful behavior, but dealing with them could turn into a huge can of worms. It’s hard to know. Waiting 18 years could be for the best, because your GD will have realized by then that there’s something sick in her mother, and you could be the best and most appreciated grandma to her when the time comes. But 18 years is a long time, and there’s no telling exactly what the costs of waiting that long will be.
I had to be away from my younger sister for 15 years because of our Spath-packed family (long story). She is not an Spath, and was the absolute apple of my eye while we lived in the same house. But we actually can’t relate with each other now, even though we share common troubles. 15 years did a lot of damage that has made the relating almost impossible now. She’s in her 20s now, has become completely histrionic as a reaction to all of the abuse, and all I can do is stand by, watch her destroy her youth, sleep with junkies, and hope that she outgrows the behaviors, like when she’s 40 and I’m almost dead. But really, in what lifetime is this supposed to get any better?!
In any case, you’re in a very bad spot. We can walk away from ex lovers and jobs and careers, but when there are kids (or grandkids) involved, dealing with the situation can be a life sentence (someone else on the site said that about a week ago, and I thought they hit the mark). The only thing I can feel pretty sure about is that your daughter will try to torment you with anything that she believes you care about. If I were you, I would never let her know what I truly care about ever again. I wish I had something better to offer, seeing as how you know these things already.
Hugs (and prayers),
Psyche