Nearly all of the research into sociopathy has involved evaluating the personality traits of adult men in prison. The reason for this is that researchers have easy access to adult prisoners and more prisoners are male. Think about it—how else would a researcher find sociopaths to study? The problem with studying sociopathy in male prisoners is that we learn nothing about sociopaths who never get arrested. We also don’t know if the research results apply to women.
There is actually very little research data available regarding sociopathy in non-criminals and in women. The little research that has been done reveals that sociopathy in women entails two or three main features that are similar to those found in men. Namely, female sociopaths lack empathy and enjoy manipulating and exploiting others. Violent and impulsive behavior is less common in sociopathic women. This fact may make them more dangerous, as they more easily blend in with the rest of society.
The key traits of sociopathic females
A recent study of adolescent girls in detention performed by Crystal L. Schrum, M.A. and Randall T. Salekin, Ph.D. of the University of Alabama and reported in Behavioral Sciences and the Law, revealed the core qualities that best described young female sociopaths. The teens were callous and lacked empathy, had a grandiose sense of self worth and were conning and manipulative. They were also likely to engage in impersonal sexual relationships. Importantly, the researchers revealed that female sociopaths did not necessarily have “shallow emotions.” Again the lack of impulsivity and shallow emotions may make a female sociopath more difficult to spot.
Please read the true Lovefraud story of Michelle Drake. Notice that female sociopaths victimize other women as well as men. This vignette illustrates many of the core qualities of a female sociopath. As I read this case, I was painfully reminded of the male sociopath who was once part of my life; so perhaps the similarities between male and female sociopaths are more important than the differences. What struck me about the story is the elaborate con she perpetrated for really very little money. This case illustrates something truly amazing about sociopaths—the degree to which they derive pleasure from conning others. Their hoaxes are often outlandish and grandiose.
A friend of mine, who was once in law enforcement, says that conning is the sociopath’s profession and that that he/she may not even do it for the money. Conning is instead the work they have a passion for. As my friend says, “When a sociopath wakes up and opens his eyes in the morning, it’s show time!” I can envision Michelle saying that to herself as she donned the fake pregnancy costume.
The public and the courts are sympathetic toward female sociopaths
The case of Michelle Drake also illustrates something else about female sociopaths. The courts are more likely to go easy on them. This attitude of the courts may reflect the fact that many people excuse the behavior of female sociopaths and feel sorry for them. Look at the cases of women in the news lately. We don’t know if the women involved are sociopaths, however, these cases do illustrate the double standard that exists in how we judge female as opposed to male antisocial behavior. Several women teachers have been found guilty of sexually exploiting students. They were treated very leniently for the same crimes that would have put a man in jail for many years.
The NASA astronaut arrested for attempted murder is another example of the way people treat women differently and don’t take their crimes seriously. This week, a restaurant owner in Florida held a benefit night to raise money for the astronaut’s family. News commentators have been quick to voice sympathy for the astronaut, yet I have not heard a one express sympathy for the victim. I remind you that it is alleged that the astronaut sprayed her victim with mace and planned to kill her.
In conclusion, sociopathy is less common in women. Women who are sociopaths may not appear as shallow as men who are sociopaths. They are also less angry and impulsive compared to men. Although violence is less commonly perpetrated by women, if you are the victim, these statistics don’t matter.
hope, gem, blueskies, oxy, and Psyche: Thanks so much for all your help, willingness to really dig in there for me/GD!!! You are all a Godsend to help one another this way! Just having your input, love, care and empathy gives me hope. Oxy: your point on my divorcing my daughter may be so. But, then I don’t get to see my GD at all. I am not really being allowed to make any difference in her life, I do know that. I keep thinking my daughter will get tired of torturing me with my GD and just take off with this band. But, I’ve realized something….my daughter relies on my GD for constant supply so I fear she will never let her go for long. Only if my daughter were to receive so much supply elsewhere would she ever let this child go and I don’t think this is possible, because who would ever worship you like your young child? See, my daughter jumps from man to man to man making them hero worship her. When the man finds out she’s nuts and he’s in over his head, he runs and my daughter always has the GD to feed her supply. So, it’s a vicious circle that I fear will never end until my GD is old enough to leave [that’s if she makes it…..sob]. [All the while, this husband of my daughter’s works and makes her a GREAT living. This man is a marine biologist and pulls in six figures. So, my daughter has money for anything she wants.]
Psyche: Thanks for your cupcake idea. I have used a similar game on my X, but my daughter is a master people reader. She can read me even better than my PX could. She’s a wicked witch hellbent on destroying everyone and everything she can. Only when she wants something does she become human and she wants very little from me, as she can get all she wants from her X and the other suckers she has spellbound in her life. I do feel sorry for the lead singer of this band….he’s run off and left his wife and children for my daughter and it will cost him dearly. Not to mention his wife/children. I mentioned that to my daughter and she reacted…..but of course, her wants overrode it.
Thanks all for your help/love and care! Hugs to you all!
Dear Psyche, I agree with you, it i s one of those damned if you do, damned if you donh’t situations and a lose/lose situation where they ahve you over a barrel and if they know you want that cup cake, they will smash it on the floor and step on it before they let you have it.
Even if that cupcake is their child, they will destroy it before allowing you to enjoy the child. Lookk at the Calley/casey Anthony case in Florida. PERFECT example. In that case the mother I think was a P and the GRANDMOTHER as well, so the mother killed her own daughter in order to piss off her mother and SHOW HER that she couldn’t control the kid. Two Ps fighting over a baby, each wanting control. MY God, what a night mare!
That Baby gabriel Johnson thing where the P mother took the baby and either killed him (she said she did) or gave him up in an illegal adoption (she said that too) just to hurt the baby’s father! And how many Ps murder the babies to get back at their X’s—or mistreat them and abuse them? Sheesh, and there is jack shidt we can do about it most of the time.
To love one of these kids and to be POWERLESS to effect any change has got to be HELL ON EARTH. To want a relationship with that child and have the parent dangle the kid just out of reach like a carrot in front of a donkey has got to be HELL ON EARTH.
Each of us has to make up our minds, but I have had to come to the conclusion for myself that I will NOT FOLLOW CARROTS of any kind, and I will not run from sticks. I’ve lunged for carrots my whole life, and I’ve dodged sticks but I just don’t have it in me any more. I can’t handle it, the stress is more than I am able to endure at this point in my life.
I love my oldest son C but you know, he lied to me, knowing I don’t tolerate lies. I don’t hate him, but I don’t “DO” lies, so he is free to go do his own life however and where ever he wants to, just I can never trust him again. Won’t even try to trust him again. Wouldn’t spit at him if I saw him in the store. Would give him a hug and say “nice to see you hope you’re doing well” and mean it. I’m sorry he lied to me, but not my fault he did, it is his. His choice. and the response to him lying is MY CHOICE. He knew that up front. He may not have “believed me” when I told him that because in the past I have been too free with “forgivenss” and “restoring trust.” But I’m NOT now, I have forgiven him, but TRUST? NOT in this life time. That also means that all the bennies that go with being my TRUSTED son (and believe me they are quite a few) are gone as well. His brother feels the same way I do. NO trust. It hurts, but we would rather be realistic about things than keep up an unreasonable expectation of trust and have it repeatedly stepped on.
B ut it’s one of those things that we have to come to for ourselves, no one else can tell us when or what to do about it. Even after I knew how toxic my egg donor was, it was so hard to even THINK about “divorcing” my egg donor. Or divorcing my P son, or my P-friends, it left me feeling pretty empty. But now I have filled up those empty spots so I realize life without the P’s influence is MUCH BETTER FOR ME!
Just getting to this point was painfujl, but I’m glad I’m here now.
My P daughter is firing off crazy emails to me. I can see this all is a set up to ban me from her/GD’s life because she does that to anyone that does not agree with her. She calls it ‘her world’. Even when I suck bottom and don’t go against her, she still won’t allow me to keep GD much. She’s drifted into paranoia now. Says my GD came back and said I said she had chicken pox. And that we were talking about her. Never said a word about any of that. Besides, child is only 3 years old!
Hi Ox,
Yeah, I agree, damned if you do, damned if you don’t. and I have had to drop kick some people out of my life so that I could preserve what is left of my energy.
I have a hard time turning my back on the ones who aren’t actually Spaths and Ns, just messed up mistake makers. My sister falls into that category. She’s completely damaged, and quite capable of lies, but her heart is actually good. But if I stay closely involved with her, it does bring me down, way down, and it’s of NO IMMEDIATE BENEFIT. Lots of used up energy. So what to do? Humph. Hell if I know. I just hope for something better from a fairly safe distance, until I can think of a better plan.
When it comes to grandkids, and kids in the hands of the Spaths and Ns, I’m not sure I could axe all ties, even if an Spath or N were holding the strings. If I want contact with my sister and good brothers, it requires tangential contact with the Spaths in the family. So I deliberately use the unwanted contact with the rats as a way of exercising my anti-Spath muscles, in not giving them the satisfaction that they want from me, moment to moment. I use the interaction to learn how not to react to their games, and to find ways to get a few good moments in, here and there, with my siblings who are worth trying to save. But I think you and I can agree on the fact that a healthy distance is key – you and I just have different distance boundaries.
Good luck to Twice, it sounds like you’re still very much in hell. I am not sure what I would do if I were you.
xo, Psyche
Dear Twice Betrayed,
I am so sorry for the situation you are in. Your daughter IS my daughter – exactly. Children are nothing but pawns in their game of life. They have no real feelings towards their children, only what they can gain by using them.
My daughter found that her son got in her way though and I was a willing babysitter. I knew the time he spent with me was literally saving his life so I was always available. Everytime she got mad at me, she threatened never to let me see him.
Try to keep your communication with her to a minimum, no matter what you say – it will be misinterpreted. I always said talking to my daughter was like sticking your head inside a blender. I might say “I like your new hair cut, it looks great on you.” She would say “You mean you never liked my hair before, you always think I look like a mess” – No winning EVER
Maybe even act like you are too busy or just not interested in your GD. This could make her number one mission to make sure she “makes” you spend time with her. Kind of like the advice Psyche gave you on the cupcake.
If it gets to where she will not let you have any contact with her, have you considered trying to obtain “grandparent visitation rights”? Some states are very good about granting these. We did that with my grandson, after my daughter tried to “sell” ($10,000) us time with him.
Again, I am so sorry and wish you the very best.
MiLo
MiLo,
You seem to have your stuff together, can’t believe your daughter would charge you for visitation. Good advice about the grandparent rights, I have heard about this as well.
Psyche: Thank you so much!
MiLo: Thank you so much for pointing that out!!!!! I have heard of Grandparent’s rights and I will go for them, if I have to.
I am now in contact with my daughter. Have been working her like I did my PX [her dad] and think I have made some progress. I ordered my GD Kid’s pink ear muffs [protection] and sent it to their house. She responded and we are communicating. I feel she is working from the willful rebellious fog [some] and may allow me to keep my GD during some of these gigs. Once she feels she has ‘punished’ me enough I think she might allow some contact. Now, if this band sets off on a west coast tour……how to keep my GD off that tour bus. I have volunteered to keep her the whole time but my daughter hedged back and forth. I get her to communicating and then I can read between the lines and sift what she says. Will see. One step at a time with these head strong insane people. Gawd, it’s just like dealing my X. She has turned out exactly like her dad. *sigh.
PART THREE
When I think back about the reasons why Mp victimized me—as if a Sociopath really needs a reason—but there was, in a way.
I think I’m safe using that name, considering there must be a million people named Mp in the Midwest and the south, right? I am afraid, even now, that she could find me again.
I am a little bit scared, so I will have to edit my posts a little better. I’ll call her MP.
As I discussed this with my therapist of the past ten years (I became aware of one possible reason, besides the usual reasons I mean—the money, etc.
I was never in love with Mp. I loved her as a friend, and even as family, I suppose. But, I never was in love with Mp– resented that about me and even hated me for that.
Mp was extremely controlling and abusive, as you will see later on, hopefully.
I’ve had other extremely controlling women in my life, Narcissists, from my early life, who hated me for the same reason. There was one of my best friends –I’ll call her Rp. She recently found me again, after not having talked to her for the past six years. It dawned on me: she still wanted to know if I loved her the way she’d always loved me.
Rp was an extremely controlling friend, like Mp
For most of the years I knew her, R was abusive, verbally and emotionally, so I had to cut her out of my life.
I told her that, recently, so Rp told me she had a NEW BFF now! I wished her well and on her way. All Rp could say was: “I checked on you every year, but you never cared if I lived or died!”
Rp had called yet another ex-friend of mine, whom I will call “MO” who will figure in my story about Mp. She, Mo, was/is also extremely controlling.
It seems that it took such a terrible story for me to realize my own pattern of choosing extremely controlling and abusive women in my life, even as friends.
As my therapist reminded me, I made for the perfect mate/friend, etc. for a controlling person, because I was so much in my head, being a writer and teacher, that I couldn’t be “bothered” with daily mundane life.
I am also magnanimous, being a Leo and all. Ha, ha”. It’s probably all there in my chart!
RE: Part Three: My Life with a Sociopath: Mp
The most terrible part of my story comes next. It seems I am a Leo who also has a lot in common with the cowardly Lion, in the Wizard of Oz. I am sucking on my tail and crying now, so the rest of the story will have to wait”.
until I find my courage to finish this story again.
Meanwhile, please know that I am reading all of your stories, and that I am also here for you!
FPT
Dea rTB,
Well, you know the BAND might not like a sniveling, crying messy 3 year old on their tour! So it may not be UP TO your P-dtr to take her or not. That might be a thing you could work from the back door.
Oh, yea the old “you have chickenpox” thing LOL ROTFLMAO what a hoot! You know, that’s offr the charts!
The “grandparents visitation” rights is a thing in most states, as I understand it when a parent is dead and his/her parents want to see the kids and the surviving parent won’t let them.
My friend in Florida whose P son kept her GD away from her (after she had raised the kid from birth to age 8 24/7) was unable to get any legal right to visit the child though she had been the PRIMARY CAREGIVER for 8 yrs.
My friend volunteered at the GS’s school so she could have lunch with the child one day a week for several years, then finally got the birth mother to share some of her weekend time with the Grandmother. The little girl has turned out great and is 14 now and spends lots of time with her GM and has started to realize what her father and step mother are (both Ps) and that her birth mother is a DRAMA QUEEN and probably borderline personality disorder as well. This little girl is amazing and it is 100% because she has an amazing grandmother!
I count myself very fortunate that I do not have any grandchildren for a P child or P-Inilaw to keep me away from after I was attached. My biiological son that is not a P has chosen not to have children because of the high number of Ps in our family, and if and when my adopted son has children I figure we have a good chance on that score, some Ps back a ways, but I guarentee he will NOT marry or sire children with a Psychopath! He can spot a red flag a mile away now! LOL He RUNS the other way at record setting speeds! LOL
TB, Milo, Gem, Rosa and others who have children and grandchildren all tangeled up in these psychopathic webs, I feel for you, I know it must be horribly painful and no “one right answer” no “one size fits all” and more like ANYSIZE FITS NO ONE! (((Hugs)))) and my prayers for you guys.
wow, Psyche. I really love your cupcake trick!