Nearly all of the research into sociopathy has involved evaluating the personality traits of adult men in prison. The reason for this is that researchers have easy access to adult prisoners and more prisoners are male. Think about it—how else would a researcher find sociopaths to study? The problem with studying sociopathy in male prisoners is that we learn nothing about sociopaths who never get arrested. We also don’t know if the research results apply to women.
There is actually very little research data available regarding sociopathy in non-criminals and in women. The little research that has been done reveals that sociopathy in women entails two or three main features that are similar to those found in men. Namely, female sociopaths lack empathy and enjoy manipulating and exploiting others. Violent and impulsive behavior is less common in sociopathic women. This fact may make them more dangerous, as they more easily blend in with the rest of society.
The key traits of sociopathic females
A recent study of adolescent girls in detention performed by Crystal L. Schrum, M.A. and Randall T. Salekin, Ph.D. of the University of Alabama and reported in Behavioral Sciences and the Law, revealed the core qualities that best described young female sociopaths. The teens were callous and lacked empathy, had a grandiose sense of self worth and were conning and manipulative. They were also likely to engage in impersonal sexual relationships. Importantly, the researchers revealed that female sociopaths did not necessarily have “shallow emotions.” Again the lack of impulsivity and shallow emotions may make a female sociopath more difficult to spot.
Please read the true Lovefraud story of Michelle Drake. Notice that female sociopaths victimize other women as well as men. This vignette illustrates many of the core qualities of a female sociopath. As I read this case, I was painfully reminded of the male sociopath who was once part of my life; so perhaps the similarities between male and female sociopaths are more important than the differences. What struck me about the story is the elaborate con she perpetrated for really very little money. This case illustrates something truly amazing about sociopaths—the degree to which they derive pleasure from conning others. Their hoaxes are often outlandish and grandiose.
A friend of mine, who was once in law enforcement, says that conning is the sociopath’s profession and that that he/she may not even do it for the money. Conning is instead the work they have a passion for. As my friend says, “When a sociopath wakes up and opens his eyes in the morning, it’s show time!” I can envision Michelle saying that to herself as she donned the fake pregnancy costume.
The public and the courts are sympathetic toward female sociopaths
The case of Michelle Drake also illustrates something else about female sociopaths. The courts are more likely to go easy on them. This attitude of the courts may reflect the fact that many people excuse the behavior of female sociopaths and feel sorry for them. Look at the cases of women in the news lately. We don’t know if the women involved are sociopaths, however, these cases do illustrate the double standard that exists in how we judge female as opposed to male antisocial behavior. Several women teachers have been found guilty of sexually exploiting students. They were treated very leniently for the same crimes that would have put a man in jail for many years.
The NASA astronaut arrested for attempted murder is another example of the way people treat women differently and don’t take their crimes seriously. This week, a restaurant owner in Florida held a benefit night to raise money for the astronaut’s family. News commentators have been quick to voice sympathy for the astronaut, yet I have not heard a one express sympathy for the victim. I remind you that it is alleged that the astronaut sprayed her victim with mace and planned to kill her.
In conclusion, sociopathy is less common in women. Women who are sociopaths may not appear as shallow as men who are sociopaths. They are also less angry and impulsive compared to men. Although violence is less commonly perpetrated by women, if you are the victim, these statistics don’t matter.
This person turned out to be every suspicion I had about her and more.
ALL OF THIS IS RANDOM just so you get an idea.
I Ignored so many red flags. I think what kept me in was the money I invested in this relationship being 2 hrs away.
Annoyed easily at people or her own kids
Example: One of the girls would get ice cream from the freezer and ask mom is she would like some. Mom says no. The daughter would ask mom a second time before the ice cream goes back to the freezer and mom will in a rage say “what the f part of no didn’t you understand”?
Shouts excessively at her daughter during softball games pointing out mistakes made when it’s obvious the daughter is affected by the yelling. I did not observe any other parent shouting except for her ex shouting at his girl. I often observed other heads turn our way. I felt embarrassed at times both for me and the daughter.
The daughters tell their mom often “you are so mean”, “that was rude”, “stop yelling”, “and why are you so mean all the time”? She would explode if woken up by the kids from a nap. She napped frequently.
She would explode at any given moment by shouting at the girls when I saw the girls did nothing to be yelled at. Frequent rages. Yelling so loud it often startled me. I specifically recall a time when we came back from a softball game with pizza and she yelled at the girls so loud I glanced at her with a look of being startled and disgusted and remember thinking what the hell is wrong with you at that moment. She yelled because the girls were noisy and wouldn’t stop talking. She complained often the girls would never shut up and the one daughter is always full of drama and she’s sick of hearing about it.
Constant swearing at the girls. “It’s not my f’in problem”, “go figure it out genius”. I found myself in defense of the girls (often trying to stick up for them) putting the same comments using the same words back on her in an attempt to see how she likes it when treated that way. Then I was accused of undermining her as a mom simply while trying to protect the girls.
I would give her money for bills and extra money to get by until payday which was twice a month and she would use the money to go out or go out to lunch.
I would have to consistently defend my reactions or myself when she would get upset by a question I would ask her or an issue I would confront her on such as lying, especially if I called her out on a lie.
She says openly she is a control freak. She knows she is a bitch. Said, “Don’t ever call me a bitch the first week we met. If you try to help with the dishes, it will upset her. If you try to lend a hand with folding towels ”“ she gets mad. If you try to help put groceries away ”“ she gets irritated. If you say “I will drive” she gets angry if I insist to avoid shuffling cars.
I recall a few times saying it’s as if I can’t experience the real you. Like she was in a shell and very rarely see a glimpse of the true person. Just having that feeling of knowing something must have happened to her in her youth.
She said eary on that most of her friends are guy friends because women are too bitchy
She didn’t like watching TV. Seemed to be out of tune from movies and shows.
She always said “my girls love me” when I would try to talk to her about how she treats them. It upset me to hear her daughters calling her mean especially the 12 yr old. I thought it was tough love.
The oldest daughter 14 was more like her mom. Drama and careless and obviously on a downward spiral. No self esteem etc. Her mom doesn’t know how to talk to her to help her. Melissa would ask me what she should do. The girls have no responsibilities whatsoever and need to be forced and yelled at to clean up after themselves. The girls live like slobs. Don’t take dishes to the sink, leave a trail of clothes everywhere. Always messy rooms. Can’t put things away. These girls were never taught to do these things properly nor effectively.
She said within one week of meeting “you make me want to be a better person”. The first 2 months were nice, fun, exciting, and eventful but loaded with red flags. As I would start asking more questions or probing for explanations or to confront her on lies she became over time resentful towards me which escalated rather quickly.
THINGS SHE WOULD SAY:
“I need laid. I either get horny when I’m drunk or bitchy”.
“I’m going to spoil you”
“people f’in irritate me”
“I can’t make promises”
“it’s all about me”
“it’s not about you”
“it’s going to be my way”
“we get by but it might not always be pretty”
“what part of no didn’t you understand”
“looking out for number one”
There were many days I made the trip and within an hour was on my way back home. Her cold careless behavior whether I was in her life or not didn’t matter. I remember sleeping in a rest stop, a hotel parking lot because it was so late and I knew I couldn’t make the drive but I needed to just have her out of my sight. That cold hearted bitchy attitude fueled my anger and left me always wondering why do I stay and why do I constantly help her. I just kept investing and it became increasingly hard to walk away.
I felt like I was dating an escort or a prostitute. I felt like I was a secret boyfriend that she called on when SHE wanted to see ME. This created friction in the relationship. I confronted her many times about it. The fact that she wanted me to park my car in her garage on two separate occasions. The fact she didn’t want me to meet friends or her girls for so long. There were people she talked about regularly (name) who I never met or spoke to.
I think this one is very important to NOTE: Another odd behavior was when she went into a more of feeling threatened and even leading to telling me she will get a restraining order. This absolutely made no sense at all. We never had an argument that was anything more than a minute or two and it was usually over the phone. She would say “Is that a threat”? When no threat was made. But something I said made her feel as if I did. Very odd sense of over reacting. I suspect it was from an experience from her previous relationships that may trigger that behavior or response. Happened twice and both times I was 2 hours away.
She always felt complex to me, I couldn’t figure her out. I commented she needs to have a manual so I can read and understand her.
MEET MY WONDERFUL EX: SHE IS”
distant
stories never add up
inconsistencies or unexplained loose ends
cold
doesn’t cry
never says sorry
explosive
bad tempered
highly irritable
on edge
feisty
rigid
avoidance
admits she is a control freak
intense eye contact or none at all
lack of remorse or guilt*
lack of empathy*
insincere or deceitful*
deceitful and manipulative*
shallow emotions*
impulsive*
short-tempered or hotheaded*
obligations and commitments mean nothing*
“hair trigger,” their aggressive displays are “cold”
highly reactive to perceived insults*
appear completely forthright about the matter
shrug off personal responsibility for actions they cause
indifferent to the rights and suffering of family or loved ones*
handy excuses for their behavior or actions*
flighty
doesn’t show emotion
defensive
flips out
flips things around when confronted
road rage
constant yelling
difficulty compromising ”“ done resentfully
irrational
no sympathy
no compassion
no feelings
no communication
no commitment
no talking about the future
constant lying
deceitful
always vague
easily annoyed
makes no future plans together
her behaviors become easily predictable
ready with a clever comeback
claims to have specific goals and little or no chance of attaining these goals
everything done on her terms
shuts down when confronted or explodes
avoids confrontation using txt or emails or excuses she’s is busy or napping
offers no explanation for her actions
she mentioned rules about what not to do or say when we first met. For example: don’t ever call me a bitch or we will be finished.
she has a book on the coffee table “Why men love Bitches”
Things she would say such as “I love you” don’t come across in her actions.
Any emotional feeling while rare appeared fake.
You will often feel shock and disappointment
You are and what you have/own are her possessions
I felt her actions towards me often created a reaction from me that further spoiled the relationship. There often was a feeling of shock or “where the hell did that come from, I just asked you a question”. High suspicions of cheating, overwhelming evidence is shrugged off as if you are crazy for thinking that way.
She will want you to make decisions so it can’t come back on her if things do not go as planned.
Smokes while pregnant
She had a ton of contacts in her phone
Her mail goes to a PO Box ”“ Never saw a single bill or paper work around her house
Her parents in all the time at her house (3years) and live 10 mins away have never been there or even know where she lives
Here is a bit more (see my other post). I dated her for 7 months July 31. We split up July 14th after I moved almost all my things there to live with her and her 2 girls. I am losing my house and filing for bankruptcy. She is about 11 weeks pregnant. We found out June 25. We broke it off May 30 and I was done with her but got together one more time in the attempt to raise a child in a normal mom dad environment. At the time she got pregnant, I had the highest suspicions she was cheating. I mean within that week and the week before May 10th. I don’t even know if I’m the father although she insisted. Because she seemed to know a lot about abortion when I was first told she was pregnant I have a suspicion that she may abort and call it a miscarriage. I might be out on the limb with that but I have a hunch. When I first found out, she told me its up to me what I want to do. I said lets have it. She didnt cared either way.
I am such a wreck over this and it was only 3 days ago I came across psychopaths and it was as if I was reading my own story online. I am no doubt in shock and I hate this feeling I was duped when all along I had suspicions something just isn’t right and then shes calling you nuts and then you start questioning your behavior. Ugh! What a mess.
Dear Onguard68,
Sorry we had to “meet like this” on this site, but I do think you have found the right place to learn about the “train wreck” you were in. I don’t mean to trivialize your pain, confusion, etc. at all…because it IS A TRAIN WRECK when we encounter these psychopaths, and most of the time we don’t even know what hit us.
,
The best advice I can give you is to read every word written on this site, go back through all the old essays and blogs as there is a wonderful wealth of information here that will help you to comprehend what it is that you are dealing with, to help you heal and recover. It seems like you are starting to “see the handwriting on the wall” where she is concerned, and that is a good thing.
You’ve come to a healing place. Welcome.
Onguard-
I think you can do the math…there’s a lot to do…namely…
find out if she’s pg. That may just take time..and then if she is, and she has child ( I do not support abortion, and would tell you it will only harm you too– not to mention the child) then well, it may not be yours. Lucky you I suppose but well it’s been nine months of thinking you are the dad.
This is awful all around. First no more sex with her, 2nd wait see if she’s pg, and then….well I’d do a background check on her. Warrants etc.? Maybe if she’s wanted, or a druggie etc. you can have her found unfit have those kids and the baby removed.
I’d start working on you first. But to be fair to the child she may be carrying – I’d stay in contact so that she does not abort out of spite.
rt…Better a live child…
OxD is right start reading.
Guys I would like to say something about personality types, specifically the MBTI grid. There are many different kinds of people who can become sociopaths, but there is one type that is particularly at risk for becoming one.. the ESTP type. These people are quite common in society, up to 13 percent of the general public. There is something of the con man in even the good ones, and their representative motto is a quote from PT Barnum: “There’s a sucker born every minute”
Still though, I do believe female sociopaths are more rare. Notice that they seem to be almost alien in their inhumanity.
holywatersalt.. if she wants to abort.. let her.. I know that’s mean but it’s not all about kids. This guy has a lot to deal with already.
Thanks OxDrover and holywatersalt. Im hanging in there. This site is a HUGE help. It helps be understand what happened and what to expect.
This whole thing would be so much easier to move on knowing if its mine and what to do next. Not knowing is the hardest. In limbo.
Dear onguard68. I think when you mentioned the book on the coffee table, that summed it up for me, the female equivalent of a male reading ‘The Art of Seduction’.
But of course, the person you mention did not start the relationship like this, or I am sure you would never have gone with it. How were things to start with? You only went out with her for 7 months. Lots of things you mention sound so familiar. especially the part about hiding behind text messages. My exN was the master of the mobile phone, he had over dozen and still wanted to borrow two of mine? I looked for evidence and nearly went crazy.
Dear Onguard,
the suggestion about doing a back ground check might be a good one. I had a criminal back ground check run on the trojan horse psychopath and also on my DIL-P and came up with some interesting information. I tonly cost me $225 for each back ground check and I got criminal convictions on the TH-P (15 pages) and on the DIL pages of addresses where she had lived, and lists of the neighbors and phone number to where she had lived, years she lived there, etc. about the only thing I didn’t get was financial information which is now by law private in this country.
If I had needed to, I could have called the people who were either room mates or neighbors and found out I am sure more information about her. So there are lots of ways to get information that is GOOD pretty cheaply. The ON LINE investigations turned up nothing, so I would go to the phone book for a real licensed private investigator, which like I said, turned up some gooooood information that was very specific.
The real PIs subscribe to various data bases that get real information and many or most of the on line investigator programs got nothing at all.
You can also get information on forwarding addresses from the post office easily. It might take some leg work but you might be able to get some good information on this woman and how she operated in the past.
I would also, for your own protection go to your local STD clinic and get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Many times the Ps are very sexually promiscious and have a higher rate of STDS. There should be a public health clinic that will do this for free, even without you giving your name.
The ticket now is to protect yourself, heal yourself, and take care of your own financial needs. See if you can find a free or low cost financial counselor to help you get back on your feet financially, and some counseling, Alanon is a good group and is free, and even though she might not be an alcoholic or druggie, obviously she is an abuser, so Alanon can help you with that. There are also group sessions for people who are “co-dependent” and you might also fall into that catagory, I don’t know, but basicly it is people who OVERLY fall for sad stories and try to “help out” people like your X and so if you have a pattern of this, you might qualify, just take it as a suggestion, I am not by any means blaming you for being a victim. I’m just thinking of ways you could get counseling and some support LIVE for free or low cost that might be beneficial to you.
Many times your friends will NOT get it about how injured you are, or understand how you let yourself get this involved. Most of us have had a great deal of trouble explaining to friends and family, some how they just “don’t get it” so have not been really helpful in our recovery. The person who does have friends or family that does “get it” if very fortunate!
Hang on and take care of YOU is my best advice. Come here and read and learn to give yourself tools and information to help you help you.
Thanks OxDrover. Good suggestions. At this point it is difficult to keep a clear thought. I am having trouble keeping notes on what I’m reading as well. So much so fast. I agree with the co-dependent idea. Very well could be the case although if the case I can see how I will overcome that now. 🙂 Its not like I am ready to jump right into another relationship anytime soon.
Mom was just over, nope – doesnt have a clue in understanding at all and I’m not sure I want to lay this on my friends.
I feel fairly angry today. The NC for almost 5 days now is odd. I really cant believe she hasnt sent any txt trying to get me fired up. That is not like her. I feel a calm before the storm??? What is she likely to do now? Nothing until she has the baby? Nothing until shes about to be evicted?
3 things happened different this time around and might be why the txt stopped. 1) This time she is pregnant and I suspect I may not be the father. 2) I told her via txt (she avoids voice conversations) that my fertility test came back with less than 5% chance of achieving pregnancy and 3) I have an std or something and going to the doctor in two days. She knows im going to the doctor.
Dear Onguard,
The not being able to keepp up with your thoughts and things seeming to whirl all round you in a storm of stress and chaos, that’s pretty normal.
Yea, it sounds like she may have been trying to pin the baby on you and now is wondering who her next potential “father” is. Boy, DNA sure does a number on these women trying to pin the “blame” for the baby on someone who cares! LOL
Feeling angry is normal too…just let it be an energizer to do some things for you, rather than lead you blindly to strike out. My thing was that my anger was so intense I did some pretty stupid things—like write to my P-son and give him the annunition to fire back at me. Keep all information about yourself CONFIDENTIAL—good or bad things that happen, do not share them with her. I can almost guarentee she will twiste them into spears to hurl back at you from ambush.
NOTHING in writing. NO contact if at all possible. Unless she has some of your stuff and you need to go get it. Even then, TAKE A WITNESS and a small audio recorder if possible. The ones they make now have such good mikes you can carry it in your pocket and get good recordings. You can also record phone conversations with it if it is LEGALa in your state. It is in mine if ONE of the parties (like you) kmows it is being recorded. It is illegal if neither party knows in MY STATE and different states are different so CHECK with an authority before you do anything. That has been very helpful to me.
As far as the “co-dependent” part, not lookkng for a relationship NOW is a good idea. I think most of us will agree to that here. Until you are pretty well over the healing process you will probably be pretty vulnearable, but if you do tend to be co-dependent the group support group for that would be very beneficial in helping you work on YOU and not ever again falling into a trap like that. I have found that while I can’t DO anything for them, my best “revenge” is to use this horrible experience as a learning experience and make myself better, and more functional and more healthy. I tended to try to “do more for others” than I did for myself, and that is one of those enabling/co-dependent typ of things I have had to work on very hard. Learning to set boundaries for others behavior toward me and boundaries for myself. I am not willing any longer to do for otherw what they should and could do for themselves. I am not willing to fix problems that their poor functioning and poor decision making brought on them. If I were able to “fix” them, what would they learn from making poor decisions? NOTHING. We learn by making mistakes and if I take away the consequences of your mistake, what has that mistake taught you? That someone else should take care of you?
It is difficult for me to make a 180 degree turn on some of this because I grew up in a family that taught me that other’s bad behavior was to be ignored or fixed, and that if I objected to bad behavior that I was the troublemaker, not the bad actor. DUH! So I’m having to rethink some of the precepts I have lived by all my life. It’s working, slowly, and I’m learning to make baby steps in setting boundaries and enforcing them without feeling guilty. the “without feeling guilty” is the biggest FREEDOM I have ever felt in my life, and I’m 61 (I’m the old lady here ha ha) But learning is definitely better late than never! Changing for the better is definitely also better late than never!
YOu ask what your X is likely to do now–my guess is that she is feeling “bitter and angry” at you that her little ploy hasn’t worked and that you may indeed not be the father of her child and so she is seething in anger, bitterness, and rage AT YOU for being so “bad” to her—so my suggestion is “look out!” That seems to be the usual MO with these people, so I am not a prophet, nor do I have a weegie board or crystal ball, it is just the “way they operate”—keep on reading and learning and you will see more and more and more of a pattern here. Yours sure sounds like an A+ in anger too, and they can actually be more dangerous than the others, so I would not let my guard down at all. Keep doors and windows locked, lock your car in a garage if you can or park it where she isn’t likely to be able to sabatage it. I’m not trying to make you paranoid, but just be aware that they can be VERY VENGEFUL, my X-BF-P burned down the house of his GF previous to me for dumping him to get even with her.
So just be ON GUARD.