Nearly all of the research into sociopathy has involved evaluating the personality traits of adult men in prison. The reason for this is that researchers have easy access to adult prisoners and more prisoners are male. Think about it—how else would a researcher find sociopaths to study? The problem with studying sociopathy in male prisoners is that we learn nothing about sociopaths who never get arrested. We also don’t know if the research results apply to women.
There is actually very little research data available regarding sociopathy in non-criminals and in women. The little research that has been done reveals that sociopathy in women entails two or three main features that are similar to those found in men. Namely, female sociopaths lack empathy and enjoy manipulating and exploiting others. Violent and impulsive behavior is less common in sociopathic women. This fact may make them more dangerous, as they more easily blend in with the rest of society.
The key traits of sociopathic females
A recent study of adolescent girls in detention performed by Crystal L. Schrum, M.A. and Randall T. Salekin, Ph.D. of the University of Alabama and reported in Behavioral Sciences and the Law, revealed the core qualities that best described young female sociopaths. The teens were callous and lacked empathy, had a grandiose sense of self worth and were conning and manipulative. They were also likely to engage in impersonal sexual relationships. Importantly, the researchers revealed that female sociopaths did not necessarily have “shallow emotions.” Again the lack of impulsivity and shallow emotions may make a female sociopath more difficult to spot.
Please read the true Lovefraud story of Michelle Drake. Notice that female sociopaths victimize other women as well as men. This vignette illustrates many of the core qualities of a female sociopath. As I read this case, I was painfully reminded of the male sociopath who was once part of my life; so perhaps the similarities between male and female sociopaths are more important than the differences. What struck me about the story is the elaborate con she perpetrated for really very little money. This case illustrates something truly amazing about sociopaths—the degree to which they derive pleasure from conning others. Their hoaxes are often outlandish and grandiose.
A friend of mine, who was once in law enforcement, says that conning is the sociopath’s profession and that that he/she may not even do it for the money. Conning is instead the work they have a passion for. As my friend says, “When a sociopath wakes up and opens his eyes in the morning, it’s show time!” I can envision Michelle saying that to herself as she donned the fake pregnancy costume.
The public and the courts are sympathetic toward female sociopaths
The case of Michelle Drake also illustrates something else about female sociopaths. The courts are more likely to go easy on them. This attitude of the courts may reflect the fact that many people excuse the behavior of female sociopaths and feel sorry for them. Look at the cases of women in the news lately. We don’t know if the women involved are sociopaths, however, these cases do illustrate the double standard that exists in how we judge female as opposed to male antisocial behavior. Several women teachers have been found guilty of sexually exploiting students. They were treated very leniently for the same crimes that would have put a man in jail for many years.
The NASA astronaut arrested for attempted murder is another example of the way people treat women differently and don’t take their crimes seriously. This week, a restaurant owner in Florida held a benefit night to raise money for the astronaut’s family. News commentators have been quick to voice sympathy for the astronaut, yet I have not heard a one express sympathy for the victim. I remind you that it is alleged that the astronaut sprayed her victim with mace and planned to kill her.
In conclusion, sociopathy is less common in women. Women who are sociopaths may not appear as shallow as men who are sociopaths. They are also less angry and impulsive compared to men. Although violence is less commonly perpetrated by women, if you are the victim, these statistics don’t matter.
Dear Uncle Peter,
It’s true, female psychopaths present a lot of challenges that men, in general, are not capable of dealing with (including policemen).
I deal with one at my workplace. All the men LOVE her, because she love bombs them, non stop, and speaks with confidence, praise, certainty, authority etc etc. Meanwhile, I get all the knives in my back, because she perceives me as a threat to the attention she wants, and the men are too witless to get how a female spath operates.
That said, I think men have it in them to want to protect women on some level, so that even if a cop doesn’t get that a woman’s married to a sociopath, a male cop will still often seem more willing to deal with it on *some* level, as opposed to no level at all, even if they just think half of her concerns are just based on the imaginings of her ‘pretty, neurotic, paranoid little head’. And here I’m generalizing, knowing full well that there are exceptions to this – just speaking from my experience, and on the basis of what a policeman/friend of mine tells me about his job. I do see that male victims of female spaths have a not-so-great set of circumstances to deal with if they do seek protection from civic authorities.
not sure I got this right, did you mean that you told your ex female spath that you were gay, and it got her to stop trying to abuse you? that sounds great!
Psyche
My younger daughter is really showing P behavior. I need some help on this, please. My daughter is involved with a rock band [while her husband is away working] and she is dragging my 3 year old GD to these drunken concerts and bars. Keeping her up while she’s sick and hanging in front of the stage with the music blaring in her little ears. I had a major war with her last night over this. I had to turn my little GD over to my daughter at a bar!!!!! I had kept her and she made me bring her to her thinking she was going home and instead she takes her into the bar with her crying for me. The dad is a wuss and most likely will do nothing. Does anyone have any help for me? Thanks!
Twice Betrayed,
I dont’ no how to advise. If I were in your shoes, it would be heartwrenching to walk away from the child, knowing that’s not an appropriate place for your granddaughter. When I read your post, I thought, thank God she has this woman as a grandmother. I would want to raise hell with the daughter (but we know she’s not listening), like you did. Could you have refused to hand her over? Possibly, even if the father is a wuss, I would tell him what occurred (making it plain how upset your were by the situation) and hopefully, he will act on behalf of his daughter’s well-being.
Call child services—it might make things worse though, you know the routine! I’m so sorry this carp is happening to you, TB. ((((hugs)))))
Twice,
Why don’t you just offer to take the child full time and let the daughter do her thing and visit when she can. A P would probrbably jump all over that arrangement- she gets to go do what she feels like she needs to.
And after a period of doing your homework, you can probrably make the arrangement legal with or without her cooperation….
The answer to taking a sick three year old to a bar is NO.
The answer is the child can stay here tonight and you can come tomorrow.
Its easier for everyone that way. No harm, no foul.
You’d better have a sit down with the wuss and I would advise in the prescence of a therapist.
Twice Betrayed:
It’s futile to get into a major war with a psychopathic mother over the welfare of the grandchild, because psychopaths don’t care about the welfare of their children.
One thing I’ve learned from my own family situation is that when you are dealing with a psychopathic mother, you have to make it all about HER, not the child.
I know, this goes against human nature, and it takes a lot of self-discipline.
Because, our first instinct is to always put the welfare of the child above everything else.
But, psychopathic mothers are ultra-selfish, and if she knows it makes you crazy that your granddaughter is in the bars, she will continue doing it.
If I were in your position, I would tell the daughter that she needs some time to herself, and you would be happy to watch granddaugher for the night (or weekend) while Mommy “goes out and has some fun for a change”.
Tell the daughter that she works too hard and deserves a break, even if it is NOT TRUE.
Who cares?!?!?
Hell, give her some $$ to go have a facial and pedicure….whatever it takes!!!!
Keep your daughter busy doing what she wants, so you can keep the granddaughter with you.
Is this enabling??? YES, OF COURSE IT IS, BUT YOU ARE TRYING TO SAVE A CHILD’S LIFE HERE!!
Sometimes we have to choose between the lesser of 2 evils.
The good news is the child is NOT going to be 3 years old forever.
Your goal is to have the granddaughter with YOU as much as possible during these critical years, and not in the bars.
This is going to require a little sociopath-ness on your part Twice Betrayed, only you are doing it in the name of GOOD, not evil.
My advice is to get creative, and make this work for you.
That’s what my Mom and I are doing with my little niece.
I saw my niece 3 times this week. 🙂
It’s not going to work everytime.
But, sometimes it does….and it definitely never hurts to try.
Good Luck to you, Twice Betrayed.
I can definitely relate to your pain and frustration.
P.S. How often does Child Services take a child away from its biological mother???
Almost never.
The poor child would have to be practically dead for that to happen.
I’m not trying to be negative.
That’s just a cold fact of life, and the way our system “works”.
Twice Betrayed,
If your daughter is a P, your daughter will do one thing: whatever she wants.
You can get her to want to do what you want if you play your cards right. And I do think it will take some ‘mind games’ to do it, but if you’re telling the truth when you ‘play’ them, you’ll have solid ground to stand on.
Most likely she already thinks of her daughter as a burden, and just puts on a show of caring about her whenever necessary. And she’ll always find ways to rationalize why she doesn’t really need to take care of her daughter properly. Just HELP her do all of that rationalizing, and get the child to safer hands in the process. Feed her self-serving logic, because that’s what she’s all about.
To feed your daughter’s fundamental selfishness for potentially good results, you can talk about things that will appeal to her like : how hard it is to have a little one on your hands as a young woman. How can she ever feel ‘free’ again, it must feel like such a burden, no? Doesn’t she want to go out without having to deal with anything but having fun? – it’s her right to have fun, after all!! Tell her she ought to do what everyone else does, use a babysitter. And if she has no money for one … well, that’s where you can come in 😉
The truth that you’re catering to is the one about what she really wants, which is to do whatever she wants, however she wants. The truth that you’re conveniently omitting is that you think your daughter has no business doing what she’s doing (taking her GD out like that). Telling that truth will only make matters worse for your GD, becuase that will just turn your GD into a pawn in a power-struggle between you and your daughter.
Not sure such specific tactics will work in your case, but you get the idea.
Basically – just
give her the excuses she needs to drop the responsibility that she doesn’t want anyway, and don’t let her know you care about your GD’s welfare!! You can omit that part without being dishonest. Definitely don’t let her know what you really care about. It’s only safe to share that kind of info. with people who can respect it.
All of this would translate into you needing to take a lot more care of your GD in the process, which sounds like it would be for the best if you possibly can do it. I haven’t seen all of your previous posts, am just hoping you’d have the ability to step in as often as possible.
But you seem to have shown your cards, and your daughter knows that you’re upset by her behavior. You’ll have to find a way to get her off her guard now. Play dumb for a while, and your daughter may slip back into her self-obsessed sociopathic fog. The sad truth is that if she knows something upsets you, she’ll just do it more. Don’t let her know what you feel.
Psyche
just thought of something else Twice
You may be better able to get your daughter to want to get a babysitter (hopefully you) if you find your daughter’s trigger/shame-buttons:
Depending on where your daughter feels most vulnerable, it may help to mention things like:
-everyone else at the bars seem to have a babysitter (if jealousy is a powerful motivator for her).
-everyone at the bar must wonder why she can’t afford a babysitter (if she likes people to think that she’s financially stable).
Whatever you say, say it casually and drop it, like it’s not an important thought to you, generally. If you can find a way to be indirect, so much the better. If you can sandwich the comments into another discussion, even better. But design the comment so that you strike where you’re most likely to get the reaction you want, which is for her to want to not bring that poor child out with her the way she does. Take dead aim on her primary vulnerability, whatever it might be (jealousy, status, etc.).
Hope that helps, I’ve never been good at doing stuff like that, but I’ve seen others use it with success.
Psyche
Thanks for all your help! However, I’ve tried all of that. I cannot get my daughter to allow me to keep the baby more than a few hours no matter how much I suck up to her. I’ve offered her everything I know…care, vacation, bribes [she has her husband so browbeaten he can’t/ won’t stand up to her]. I’ve offered to just keep the kid while she parties. Made it like a vacation for her etc…no go. She sees this child as a power play over all of her family and she loves every minute of it. She won’t even so much as put ear plugs in this baby’s ears while she is hanging out with her in front of a band acting like some groupie whore in front of all those loud speakers! I try to give her earplugs and she threw them on the floor. Finally security forced her to put plugs in the baby’s ears. This daughter of mine is insane! I’ve tried every ploy I know short of contacting child services, which is NOT going to be better or even work for that matter. My daughter keeps a good home, fully stocked fridge, toys galore etc….but thinks taking this baby to concerts and open bars is ok, and hanging with other men while her husband is away. I am panicked for this child’s safety.
I think the tactics might have worked if she didn’t know how much of a struggle you’re willing to be involved in, to get her to do the right thing. I think if she thought you didn’t care about the GD, she wouldn’t care to do all that she’s doing. So she’s on to your true feelings and concerns, which means trouble (she’ll just enjoy messing with them to the extent that she can).
The tricks could have worked if she didn’t know what you really wanted. But she wants to make sure you don’t have what you want.
I’m sorry, I’m not sure what to do once this happens. Now you can see that your GD is just a pawn in the power play, which is all meant to drive you nuts, or worse. I don’t know what to do with that, but will think about it, and keep you and your GD in my prayers in the meantime.
I can see why you’re panicked, it does not look at all good. I picture your poor little GDs ears, and her cries, and what it means to have a mother that does not love you, and it breaks my heart. I’ll keep thinking . . . .
Psyche