You’ve discovered that your romantic partner is lying and cheating on you. When you confront, this person turns on you and refuses to talk to you. You’re the one who has been wronged. So why are you distraught about the sociopath’s silent treatment?
A Lovefraud reader, whom we’ll call Lucy20, asked exactly this question. Here’s what she wrote:
I have ridden the merry go round for 10 years with a guy that has cheated and not told the truth. We break up (usually me pushing him away and him acting the victim and then we never can stay away.) He begs, I reject and then he retreats and I feel overwrought. Horrible. I feel heartbroken every single time.
So hard to understand and get out of this cycle. Any explanation?
Yes, Lucy20, there is a clear-cut explanation for your perplexing reaction to the sociopath’s silent treatment.
The Betrayal Bond
Romantic relationships are supposed to be about love, trust, loyalty and mutual support. Obviously, this is not what Lucy20 is experiencing with her partner. The guy lies, cheats, and when questioned, goes silent.
If she were being rational, Lucy20 would kick him to the curb and be glad that he was leaving her alone. But that’s not what is happening. Instead, she’s heartbroken.
Why? Lucy20 is caught in a betrayal bond.
The Betrayal Bond is the title of a book written by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. If you are stuck in an exploitative or abusive relationship, I recommend that you read it.
A betrayal bond, Carnes says, is a highly addictive attachment to people who have hurt you. “Exploitative relationships create betrayal bonds,” he says. “These occur when a victim bonds with someone who is destructive to him or her.”
Read more: Book Review — The Betrayal Bond (redux)
Warning signs
Carnes lists 14 warning signs of a betrayal bond. Here are some that apply to Lucy20’s situation:
- When there is a constant pattern of nonperformance and yet you continue to believe false promises.
- When you feel stuck because you know what the other person is doing is destructive but believe you cannot do anything about it.
- When you move closer to someone you know is destructive to you with the desire of converting them to a non-abuser.
- When the history of your relationship is about contracts or promises that have been broken and that you are asked to overlook.
A betrayal bond is essentially a trauma bond — Carnes uses the word “betrayal” to drive home the point that the problem has been caused by someone’s intentional actions. What happened was not an accident. The perpetrator exploited you.
Trauma reaction
Trauma has deep and lasting effects — emotional, psychological and physical. After a major frightening event, or a continuing pattern of frightening events, many people end up with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
PTSD is not just a psychological phenomenon. The body is stuck in fight-or-flight mode, which means it’s pumping stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol. This causes physiological changes in the body, brain and nervous system. As a result, you can experience a myriad of symptoms from high blood pressure to depression to anxiety to loss of relationships to hopelessness.
This is no way to live. Therefore, it’s critical to find a way to break the betrayal bond.
Breaking the bond
Understanding, and admitting, that you’re dealing with a betrayal bond is the first step. To free yourself so you can enjoy the life that you truly want and deserve, you then need to commit to your own recovery.
Breaking off contact with the perpetrator is crucial. That’s what No Contact is all about. But, as Lucy20 found, every time she did, she felt “overwrought.” She couldn’t stay away from her lying, cheating partner.
Why? Betrayal bonds are addictive.
Breaking a betrayal bond is the same as breaking an addiction. If you’ve ever successfully quit smoking, drinking, overeating or any other destructive behavior, apply what you learned to overcome the sociopath’s silent treatment and stay away.
People in 12-step programs are advised to “take it one day at a time,” and that also applies to escaping a sociopath. It may seem impossible to put the person out or your life forever. So you put him or her out for today. Then for tomorrow. Then the next day. The longer you stay away, the more your disordered partner’s grip on you weakens.
Eventually, you’ll realize that the sociopath’s silent treatment is exactly what you want. Even better, you decide that you will maintain your No Contact program and have nothing to say to your ex.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal: How to recover from the trauma
A classic Lovefraud story: I married a sociopath