A Lovefraud reader recently sent me the following question:
I seem to only attract what I believe are sociopaths into my life even when I am not trying to find anyone. I feel as if they find me and try to befriend me. Is there some kind of an explanation for this?
This reader posts as “Sam.” Last year I published her story as a “Letter to Lovefraud.” The explanation for her current experience is in her story. Please read it:
I have no further use to him and I am being disposed of
Sam’s story is absolutely tragic. Here is what happened to her:
- She witnessed domestic violence from a very young age.
- She left home before she turned 15.
- She suffered from depression.
- Her first relationship was with a guy who was physically, verbally and mentally abusive.
- She met “the love of her life,” but it just didn’t seem right, so she didn’t stay with him.
- Her next partner was insecure and controlling, and took no interest in their baby.
- She reconnected with “the love of her life,” who betrayed her over and over for the next seven years.
Can you imagine the breadth and depth of Sam’s emotional wounds? These wounds are the reason why Sam keeps running into sociopaths.
Human energy fields
What exactly is an emotional wound? It is a disturbance in our own personal energy field. These disturbances affect our health and our lives until they are healed.
I’m going to briefly explain how it works. I’m not an expert in this. But I can say that if I didn’t have my energy healer, it would have been much more difficult for me to recover from the experience of being betrayed by my sociopathic ex-husband.
Much of today’s understanding of energy medicine is based on ancient Indian and Chinese concepts. The foundation is the idea that a life force, or energy, permeates the entire universe and everything in it, including us. This energy is called “prana” in Sanskrit and “chi” or “qi” by the Chinese. (Many other cultures also recognize this energy.)
Our personal energy fields include several distinct structures. The most well-known are the meridians used in acupuncture and acupressure, the seven chakras and the aura, which itself has seven distinct layers.
Some well-known healers, such as Donna Eden and Barbara Brennan, can perceive these energy fields. My energy healer could also see my chakras and aura. Barbara Brennan (who earned degrees in physics and atmospheric physics and worked for NASA) believes anyone can learn to perceive them.
Energy disturbances
The following interview with Barbara Brennan explains how our human energy fields work:
Exploring the Human Energy System, on Healthy.net.
On page 2 of the story, about halfway down, the interviewer, Russel E. DiCarlo, asks Brennan:
You have said that the major cause of illness stems from how we habitually imbalance our fields, thereby making it weak and ourselves susceptible to physical illness. Why do we do this?
Brenan explains that when we experience childhood traumas, disturbances are created in our energy fields. I would add that these energetic disturbances are created any time during our lives when we experience trauma, disappointment or betrayal.
We don’t want to feel the pain of our experiences, Brennan explains. “So we create a way to hold these ‘blobs,’ shall we say, of consciousness and energy so that we might never have to experience them.” Consequently, the disturbances get stuck in our energy fields.
These stuck disturbances have two effects:
- They create blockages prevent our life energies from flowing properly.
- They draw more experiences to our lives that match the energy of the disturbance.
This is exactly what is happening to Sam. She had one abusive experience after another in her life. With this parade of sociopaths, the energy disturbances they caused are likely still stuck in her energy field.
Energy attracts energy that is like itself. So because of the energy disturbances caused by sociopaths, more sociopaths keep showing up.
This, of course, is painful. But in the next question of the interview, Brennan explains that pain motivates us to change.
Healing the disturbances
So how do we get the disturbances out of our energy fields? One way is to allow ourselves to actually feel the pain and trauma of the experiences.
Often we’re afraid of the pain. We feel that if we ever allow ourselves to start crying about what happened to us, or if we pull the lid off of our anger, the emotions will overwhelm us.
But keeping the pain bottled up becomes toxic. It prevents us from enjoying life as we should. It also turns into disease, such as cancer.
I believe we should allow ourselves to cry. We should express our anger, although not necessarily to the person who betrayed us. That’s useless with a sociopath. It’s much better to take out your anger on a punching bag.
Another way to dissolve the negative energy is through EFT tapping. Here’s what I wrote about tapping recently.
True recovery from the sociopath through tapping and energy psychology
Sam, I recommend that you work on your personal healing. By siphoning off the negative energy and replacing it with positive energy, you’ll change your life.
More information
Some people believe these ideas are New Age hocus pocus. But scientists have recently been able to measure and document the effects of universal energy and the human energy field. Here are some books that I’ve found helpful in explaining these concepts. They’re all available on Amazon.com.
Hands of Light A guide to healing through the human energy field, by Barbara Ann Brennan, Ph.D.
Energy Medicine and Energy Medicine for Women, by Donna Eden and David Feinstein.
The Genie in Your Genes epigenetic medicine and the new biology of intention, by Dawson Church, Ph.D.
The Promise of Energy Psychology Revolutionary tools for dramatic personal change, by David Feinstein, Donna Eden and Gary Craig.
Failed Attempts at Marriage Counseling with a Sociopath
Sam,
Sociopaths are social predators who go through life assessing others for any potential benefits. They are brilliant at reading others and can very quickly assess someone’s wants, needs, desires, fears etc.
If someone has been in a relationship with a sociopath or in a cult, and they have not undone the damage, there are effects and sequelae that are obvious to outsiders, if they know what they are looking for. (for example, how someone responds to authority, to someone who helps them, etc.)
To sociopaths, these signs are as obvious as reading a tattoo on someone’s forehead saying that they have been in a prior relationship with a sociopath. Watch the movie ‘I, Psychopath’ for an example of how they do this.
So you are right, you are not attracting them, they are deliberately seeking you out. (Thinking you are attracting them is faulty thinking, perpetuated by those who want to blame the victim.)
Thanks for posting this, Donna. I completely ascribe to the energy model of healing. I have had much energy work myself in various modalities and use it in my own massage practice. As we clear out some of our own energetic disturbances, we can often sense where others are blocked. I don’t see auras, but I can sense energies. Sometimes I can sense exactly where someone is blocked and what the pattern is. It doesn’t take a lot to sense this – you only need to look at what the person is creating (and re-creating) in their lives. As a massage therapist trained to observe postural distortions, I can often see where a person is “holding” their issues in their body. (I once knew a massage therapist/breath worker who had a bumper sticker: “The issues are in the tissues.” This is really true!)
Everything we do for ourselves that has a healing effect is some form of energy work. Talking (if it’s therapeutic), hitting pillows when angry, getting Reiki, massage, meditation, or even getting psychic healings all help to move stuck energy out of the energy field. Even being in the presence of an enlightened person or reading the writings of an enlightened person can help move energy. If there are repressed feelings, they will come up to be acknowledged. It is very important to be willing to feel the repressed feelings; otherwise, they will go back into the subconscious and continue to wreak havoc there. Also, we tend to absorb the energy of the people around us and our surroundings. That is why it’s so important to surround ourselves with supportive, loving people and peaceful surroundings.
Once an energetic block is removed, you will stop attracting the negative experiences in your life associated with that block. This is why when people say they are so afraid they will attract another sociopath, I encourage them to just do the work on themselves and clear the issues that made them attract a sociopath in the first place. This is really the best way to remain spath-free. The other way is to avoid all relationships and remain mistrustful of everyone, but that is not the most loving or constructive way to live nor is it how we are intended to live our lives.
I believe that we are all energy. Energy can be freely flowing, or it can be stuck. Drawing a horrendous experience like a sociopath into our lives can be a wake-up call to clear the places we are stuck so our lives can flow as they are meant to – without drama, anxiety, and depression.
David01: I respectfully disagree with you – I believe we DO attract experiences to us, but we are often unaware we are doing it.
Guys, I don’t think the point is that when you shift your energy, suddenly you will never encounter a sociopath. Sociopaths are everywhere! But you will not get involved with them as you would if you still had lessons to learn from them. When your energy shifts and you clear out the negative patterns, you will start attracting a different type of person into your life. Everyone in our life is like a mirror. They are here to show us something about ourselves – to teach us something. If you don’t know what you are supposed to learn – i.e. don’t understand why a sociopath is coming back into your life – all you need to do is check inside and see how you are feeling about it. If you feel neutral and have no issues, then you will not give the person any of your energy. It will be a blip on your radar screen, as if you saw a piece of trash in the gutter and walked by it. It wouldn’t necessarily be newsworthy compared to all the events of your day. You may even forget about it before you got here to write about it. Now, on the other hand, if the person’s presence in your life stirred up all kinds of feelings, then there is something you still need to process. Perhaps you didn’t get the lesson the first time. Only you can know what that is, by going inside and opening up to those feelings.
If you have gotten a sociopath out of your life, but never dealt with the deep underlying issues, guess what? You can expect more sociopaths to turn up in your life until you’ve dealt with the issue. (And when I say “turn up in your life” I mean you will date them, befriend them, or otherwise get involved with them. I am not talking about passing one on a street.) The same is true for any type of person – it doesn’t have to be a sociopath. For me, I have tended in the past be attracted to emotionally unavailable men. This is because I was actually not completely emotionally available to myself. And naturally, this stems from my response to being abandoned emotionally by my parents, and all the repressed anger and grief about it. This is the pattern I’m releasing – to be 100% there for myself and my own emotions. As this is starting to clear, I’m meeting more emotionally available men. Before, if emotionally healthy men would come around I would either scare them away, not be interested in them, or not recognize them. Does that make sense? When you have unprocessed fears of rejection (which is usually about feelings of unworthiness), you will push people away unconsciously before they ever even get a chance to reject you. This is an example of how we play out unconscious patterns in our lives. How long will these patterns play out? Answer: Until we clear them.
Another example of attracting experiences based on what is in your energy field comes from my sister. She once told me that she often goes out to eat alone, and being single, she feels waitstaff treat her differently (and worse). She got so irate one time that she wrote a letter to the manager. I listened to this in disbelief because I have been going out to eat by myself for years. I have never once had this kind of experience. I usually have positive experiences dining alone. I goof around with the waitstaff and often strike up conversations with other diners. I love going out alone.
I could give so many examples of how two people can be present at the same event but take away two totally different experiences of that event. Or how certain negative events stopped happening to me after I processed repressed feelings around it.
But suffice it to say, that this really is true. If you are a very angry and bitter person (I’m using the word “you” figuratively), you will tend to gravitate toward other angry bitter people. You will repel happy drama-free people. They will not want to hang around with you, and you may feel too envious to want to be around them anyway. You may hang out with the other unhappy bitter people in the office and gossip about others, maybe even about the happy drama-free people. There are definitely some people I know who are constantly bitching. And by no coincidence, they always have a plethora of things to bitch about. “This person was rude to me; that person treated me badly.” They are attracting to them a reflection of what is inside.
Continue to do your personal growth. Little by little, you will notice things in your life change for the better. That is what all this is about.
“if the person’s presence in your life stirred up all kinds of feelings, then there is something you still need to process.” — Stirring up all kinds of feelings could be taken as love, too. I’ve noticed that I might find someone pleasant, but unless their presence stirs up a lot of feelings, it’s like there’s nothing to see here, just move on. Perfectly boring. To love someone is to explore together, bridge differences, accept each other, and get into the texture of it all, isn’t it? My most intense love experiences — unfortunately — have been with men who put that beautiful and unusual road before me, full of opportunities for personal growth (no kidding, “personal growth”). Isn’t healthy love also a chance to “process” something? That’s where the spath hooks you. . . . All this talk about “red flags,” and the biggest red flag at all might be simply finding someone interesting. Bummer.
This post is downright brilliant and beautifully written. . . . Ever notice, for instance, how everything goes just fine-fine-fine with the spath until you get a notion to do something positive for yourself, thereby upsetting the finely tuned negative energy field? In a way, they’re not kidding when they say it’s your fault it all blew up. Some things are worth blowing up. Burn, baby, burn.
“I have no further use to him and I am being disposed of.” — Maybe you have no further use for the spath, and you are disposing of him. Ever think of it that way? In other words, you just bumped up your energy field a notch, and this routine just doesn’t work for you anymore. He no longer felt at home next to that, so he made a fuss and left you there with your enlightened state.
I’m dealing with a female sociopath that has law enforcement helping her do illegal things to me, also helping her with the smear campaign, by courts and lawyers. They’re all under the same umbrella. They have stolen money from my unemployment and have totally shut me down. Told people not to stay in contact with me. They even staged a kangaroo court to get me to sign my life away and pay money to my son, but paternity has not been established. They stole 2,800 dollars from me then stopped and wont give me any of it back. D.S.H.S.was taking my money not child support and she makes good money. I tried to get a paternity test and they wont give me one. These people she knows are elite people. They can mess with your credit score,job, Banks, anything that is corporate. All because m son said he was getting molested at his mothers and i called the police and she disappeared for a week. The detective shut the case down and said it was a civil matter. Then a protection order was issued to me?. It was all staged by her owner she works for, Smh smh.
Interesting debate going on here.
That said, it also seems to be a somewhat semantic issue here on the board.
While it is certainly ‘true’ that the human body has an electrical system in it, there is no western science proving that disruptions in this, or any ‘energy’ in the body, ‘attracts’ other energies.
But fluctations in energy/electrical impulses are why our hearts pump (calcium and other electrically charge particles fluxing across cell membranes make the heart muscles work). Many electrical functions have been discovered and verified by science. It’s how we stay warm, etc…without the ability to ‘energize’ it the body is dead. Cold
So, yes, there is energy (as most of us think about it) in the body.
It’s also pretty clear that stress, trauma, and physical duress effect the body: making heart rates go up, pupils dilate, sweating, and feelings of anxiety/fear/elation/excitement, etc…
There are theories that long-term exposure to certain stimuli (very long term, generations even) can change our DNA, and create diseases (both physical and mental) that can be passed from one person/s to other person/s. This could be thought of in the broadest sense as a dysfuntion of our energies.
Then there is the emotional (also creates ‘energy’) body. I think emotionally it is reasonable to think that if we are Debbie Downers we will probably be attractive TO helpers, fixers, and other DD’s. We may also be attracted TO them, as they will seem like our way out of distress. They will see our vulnerabilities, and their strengths and weaknesses will be applied to us, in different measure depending on their dysfunction and ability to have healthy boundaries. Is this energetic? Could be. It can also be understood in purely psycho/social terms that are more familiar to most of us.
It’s the idea of attracting TO us, that is not understandable to me. And I am not asking for an explanation here.
I was attracted TO a variety of highly dysfuntional people for most of my life, including child hood. There are plenty of reasons for this attraction/vulnerability that I can write out and explain in detail. But that is not important here. Perhaps these people were also attracted to my strengths and weaknesses for their own reasons (the need to take advantage, to fix, to feel powerful, to abuse, to help, etc).
What I can say is what Stargazer referred to: so long as I wasn’t facing my own issues, AND understanding the risks of becoming overly involved in other people’s issues and problems, I was more easily caught up in a negative kind of experience with others’.
Whether I attracted these experiences is not very important to me, and not being a believer in Attraction has in no way hindered my healing and happiness. I just don’t think it’s necessary to be a believer. And I do think this is a spiritual construct that requires faith in something that cannot be measured.
The way I think of it is that it is of vital importance that we FACE ourselves, and dig into our own growth and awareness. It is vital that we understand how to listen to our inner wisdom, have boundaries, and be accountable for our lives. It is vital we let go of false ideas about ourselves and the world- that lead us to indulge the poor behaviors of other’s, and not protect ourselves.
20% or more of the world population is highly toxic and disordered. We will bump into these people. They will throw their fishing nets wide and far to catch whatever fish they can (buckshot hunting for targets). The more deeply we understand ourselves, and that there are predators out there, the less we will engage them, and protect ourselves.
The more we hold onto false beliefs, unresolved feelings, behaviors that place us in harms way, and actively participate in denial, the more vulnerable we are to engage in other people’s ‘bad ways’.
And still, sometimes, bad things will happen. And, they might come in the form of run-ins with these toxic predators. There are no 100% ‘cures’ for avoiding them. Energetic or not.
I wish everyone here love, healing, peace, and wisdom….
Slim
I recently discovered that a big chunk of the “popular” kids in my high school were from highly dysfunctional families. (The only exceptions were the ones from wealthy families, which meant they had in common all that comes with that — cool trips, cool clothes, good looks, tans in February.) It makes sense that their energy and experiences attracted similar ones. They were popular only because they validated each other. The rest of us found them annoying, mostly, especially when they picked on us. It meant that the very definition of “popular” was related to power: power to validate each other, power to dominate others. I’m still astonished that school administrators don’t notice these patterns and intervene.
Sistersister, You say:
“….but unless their presence stirs up a lot of feelings, it’s like there’s nothing to see here, just move on. Perfectly boring.”
This is exactly what I was talking about when I said that a healthy stable man could have come along in my life 5 years ago, and I would have thought him dull and uninteresting. However, since I’ve grown so much in the last few years, I am drawn to precisely the men who bored me before. We will attract and be attracted to experiences that trigger our repressed feelings, because this is what we need for our spiritual growth. And yes, if we are very diligent about our personal growth and taking responsibility for our own lives, we can definitely use our healthy relationships as catalysts for personal growth. That is one of the things you can get from therapy. But it takes a great deal of awareness not to fall into blaming the other person when we get triggered.
If you can really feel all the deep pain and rage from the betrayal of a sociopath, spiritually speaking, you will no longer have the need to be around sociopathic people any longer. There will be nothing to trigger. The hook will be gone. You will no longer be drawn to drama-filled situations and people. You will notice these people and situations drain your energy, and you will want to be away from them. You will have more room in your life for positive people and positive experiences and you will bring those in to fill the gap. And the more you think about these positive experiences and feel the positive feelings that go with the happy thoughts, the more you will attract positive experiences.
One of the things I do to keep my energy high is to order things off Amazon or various websites every so often. I don’t spend much money on them – some new clothes, books, etc. But then I ALWAYS have something to look forward to. I also get invited to a lot of parties. I try to go to as many as I can, so I always have something to look forward to on the weekend. These are tricks I use to bring more positive things into my life, by always having something to look forward to – a vacation, a new dress, a party, a game of scrabble, a dinner with a friend, etc.
I have found that the more I heal, the more energy I have. But there is always more stuff to look at. But whereas I used to feel so heavy, helpless, hopeless, and chronically depressed, now I just have what I call “pockets of unconsciousness” or isolated issues that get triggered. When I’m not dealing with these issues, I’m actually out having a good time, going to parties, dancing, or helping others find their happiness in life. Lately, I have started giving beginner salsa lessons. The joy I get from seeing people light up from the joy of dancing is incredible. I would love to share dance with everyone I know because I think it’s the best kept secret in the world. In cultures where people dance regularly, people are happier.
Would love to share more, but I’m off to color my hair and get ready for work tomorrow. 🙂
Wishing everyone a great evening and a big hug.
Very well said. You nailed it. And especially the salsa part. Salsa is one of God’s best gifts to humanity. Just pure joy.
Slim, you rock!
I am SO glad this was posted!! I have the exact same problem…and as I reflect, it looks as though it goes as far back as I can remember, and they seem to keep finding me. I realize that I am some sort of magnet to this type of thing…and I also realize that there has got to be something about my energy field that attracts them to me. Because this has been a life-long thing for me, I am SO confused as to what I need to be doing/not doing…and therefore, I become confused about who I really am and whether or not I will EVER be able to trust my own judgement. I have had periods of supreme success and happiness, but they all seem to be when I’ve not been partnered up or when I have secluded myself from most people. This is not how I wish to live the rest of my life. I want meaningful friendships and relationships, but am SO skittish about allowing that for myself BECAUSE of this. I have grown quite a big backbone and the first sign someone shows of taking advantage, I am reading them their “you’ve crossed the line with me” rights. How can I balance my compassionate and contributory side without waving it out there like a “come one, come all to tread upon me” flag while keeping my integrity intact enough to ward off and weed through the dark masses? This has been my exact problem. It seems that every negative thing that happens to me, I automatically attribute to the extremely negative things these types of people have led me through, and it is a vicious cycle that I cannot break. It seems I was completely RAISED and PROGRAMMED this way. I’m buying ALL of those books!!
ok, I managed to have contact once again.
u will NOT believe this. i rly wasnt contacting him.
I posted a rant on Craigslist about him. Just a very general rant, short, 3 little lines, no details. Basically how he’d always say ive changed, ive changed and its just sick. I was venting to the cosmos. He doesnt read CL ads lol
i cudnt believe i got a reply at all, but his was one of several.
he asked if i was still with him. i was all like oh HELL no and sent off a reply of that with i’d left in early Nov.
he answered really? i had something like that happen then too.
so now im intrigued–and no warning bells going off as I never said i’ve changed. *I* didnt need changing. I never promised anything different. HE DID.
so I ask this mystery emailer wat happened.
He gives me his synposis. I am 3 sentences in and I go F-N NO! Then I notice in this, longer, email, his peculiar grammatical quirks. And then the name on the email is JR…his initials.
SERIOUSLY???!!!
I am shaking.
And yeah, he’s still totally projecting, besides lying.
I feel sick to my stomach at his baiting and netting another poor woman.
Look, darlin’, you just illustrated the theme of this post: That sociopaths show up somehow telepathically when you put that energy out there on their particular radio frequency. That’s what you did by ranting on Craigslist. The Craigslist stunt doesn’t even have to be a part of it; you can just THINK of them, fantasize about what you’re going to say next — and they call, or show up, or stalk you.
I know. I had an ex-roommate who stalked me for a few years about some money I supposedly owed her. She ONLY showed up when I’d been thinking about her.
This “energy” stuff is real. You’ve just been given a teachable moment in it. A demonstration.
Now get out of your head about it, the he-said/she-said, and distract yourself with something higher up the frequency scale: pleasure, humor — reach for the YouTube comedy standups right away. Get a used collection of “Herman” comics and read them. “The Onion.” “Reductress.” “Funny or Die.” Abraham-Hicks snippets on YouTube work for me.