Salon.com just posted an article about online romance scams, Facebook status: In a scam relationship, by Tracy Clark-Flory. The scams run like this:
- Perp finds a target online.
- They communicate via email, text and sometimes phone.
- Perp proclaims undying love.
- Maybe perp sends flowers and stuffed teddy bears.
- Perp suddenly has a dire emergency and needs money.
- Target sends money, and keeps sending money until there’s none left.
Apparently, romance scams—known as “love fraud,” according to the article—are a growth industry. The story quoted a man named Rob who lost $14,000 to a woman he never met. He is now a volunteer for RomanceScams.org, which has counseled 50,000 people who believe they were swindled.
According to Salon:
Many of the scammers are based in Nigeria, home of the infamous 419 email scam love fraud is a much savvier twist on that old formula. “Scammers search chat rooms, dating sites, and social networking sites looking for victims,” warns the FBI’s Internet Crime Complaint Center. “The principal group of victims is over 40 years old and divorced, widowed, elderly, or disabled, but all demographics are at risk.” The perpetrators investigate the target by doing a Google search on their name and scouring their online profiles. “Once they have all that information, they create a character that is specific to you and your desires,” Rob says. “In short, they create your dream mate, and they’re very good at what they do, unfortunately.”
The con artists frequently pose as soldiers serving in Afghanistan or Iraq. The problem has gotten so bad that the military has issued press releases warning people not to fall for soldiers asking for money so they can go on leave. Read:
CID warns of Internet romance scams, on Army.mil
Army stresses caution to combat scammers, on Military.com
The Salon article explains how the scammers hook the targets, and the process is familiar to all of us who have been snagged by sociopaths: “The scammers get the target to reveal their most delicate feelings and secrets; and a sense of real intimacy often develops.” And that’s the reason the scams work—people are looking for love.
Plenty of readers commented on the article. Most of the comments expressed this view: Anyone who falls for an online romance scam is a complete idiot.
Read the article and comments:
Facebook status: In a scam relationship, on Salon.com.
Why send money to Nigeria?
Lovefraud has heard from people who have fallen for these online scams. And even though I know how convincing sociopaths are, I must admit that these cases perplexed me.
Yes, I lost $227,000 to my con artist ex-husband. But he was physically with me. He looked me in the eye, made his promises, turned on the tears when necessary. He had sex with me, which released all that oxytocin, the trust hormone. He brought me around to his business friends, creating the illusion that he truly was an entrepreneur.
I know why I gave him my money. But why anyone would send money to a person they never met who lives in Nigeria?
I think the answer lies in the power of our own minds, and I’ll take you through my reasoning.
Fantasy
First of all, it is very possible to have accepting, positive thoughts about people we’ve only met over the computer—just look at all the friendships that have developed here on Lovefraud. Taking this a step further to romance isn’t difficult.
We may not really know what the person looks like or sounds like, because we’ve never met. But as I explain on the Lovefraud.com page about Online Seduction, we fill in any gaps in our knowledge about a potential romantic partner with fantasy:
When you meet people in the real world, you notice their height, weight, grooming, voice, mannerisms—and immediately form conclusions about them. All of this information is missing in e-mail correspondence. You can’t see, smell or touch the person. You don’t even really know if you’re communicating with a man or a woman.
So what do you do? You imagine the person is what you want him or her to be.
Essentially what happens is that in an online romance, we fall in love with our own fantasy. We create an image in our minds of what the person is, and how the person feels about us. And we believe it.
Oxytocin
I referred briefly to oxytocin above. This hormone is thought to be released during hugging, touching and orgasm in both men and women, and acts as a neurochemical in the brain. According to Wikipedia:
Oxytocin evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the mate. Many studies have already shown a correlation of oxytocin with human bonding, increases in trust, and decreases in fear.
Oxytocin serves a normal and important function in the human bonding process—it makes us feel calm and trusting with our mates. Nature probably gave us oxytocin so that we want to stay with our partners to raise children, thus helping the survival of the species.
But because it fosters trust, oxytocin can also help us get conned. Paul J. Zak explains this in a post on Psychology Today called How to run a con:
Social interactions engage a powerful brain circuit that releases the neurochemical oxytocin when we are trusted and induces a desire to reciprocate the trust we have been shown—even with strangers.
The key to a con is not that you trust the conman, but that he shows he trusts you. Conmen ply their trade by appearing fragile or needing help, by seeming vulnerable. Because of oxytocin and its effect on other parts of the brain, we feel good when we help others—this is the basis for attachment to family and friends and cooperation with strangers. “I need your help” is a potent stimulus for action.
So, oxytocin doesn’t necessarily require sex in order to be released. It can be triggered by other social interactions—perhaps even those conducted via electronic media.
Oxytocin is released in the brain and causes feelings of trust. But that isn’t the only way in which love affects the brain. According to Dr. Helen Fisher, romantic love actually causes a rewiring of the brain. She also believes that romantic love is an addiction.
For more on the neurological processes involved in romantic love, read:
The drive to love: The neural mechanism for mate selection on HelenFisher.com.
Brain action
You’ve probably heard of the “placebo effect.” Physicians and researchers have long known that people in clinical trials of drugs frequently experience the benefits of the drug, even though they are taking the placebo. Because they believe they are taking the drug, they believe they will get better, and they do.
This is not just an imaginary improvement. According to an article on MSNBC, “research shows that belief in a dummy treatment leads to changes in brain chemistry.” In other words, belief can be just as strong as actual medication.
Read Placebo’s power goes beyond the mind on MSNBC.MSN.com.
And here’s another aspect of the brain: Research has found that the physical structure of the brain isn’t nearly as static as once thought. As explained in Time Magazine:
For decades, the prevailing dogma in neuroscience was that the adult human brain is essentially immutable, hardwired, fixed in form and function, so that by the time we reach adulthood we are pretty much stuck with what we have.
But research in the past few years has overthrown the dogma. In its place has come the realization that the adult brain retains impressive powers of “neuroplasticity”—the ability to change its structure and function in response to experience.
Read How the brain rewires itself on Time.com
The point, therefore, is that the brain is changeable, and it doesn’t necessarily require drugs or a physical incident in order to change. Thoughts and beliefs have the power to change the brain.
Power of imagination
So where am I going with all this? Here is what I think may be happening in romance scams:
- The perp contacts the target, gradually building the target’s love and trust.
- The target believes that the perp is real and they are in a romantic relationship.
- Because of the target’s belief, oxytocin is released in the brain, even though there is no physical touching.
- The belief in love also rewires the brain, just as it does in a real relationship.
- The target may even become addicted to the relationship.
- The target is primed to be conned.
My theory, then, is that in an online romance scam, we believe we are in a true romantic relationship. Our belief causes all the same brain changes that a real world relationship causes. Because of the power of our imaginations, we may be just as susceptible to online scams as we are to real life scams.
Come to think of it, this is probably why we fall for the real life scams. We believe the love is true, even though it isn’t.
Dear One,
Overlooked your post until just now. Thanks for the link. I call that type of practice “visualization” and I do think it is very healing. I also do a bit of “relaxation” type visualization or meditation, (some people call it self-hypnosis) whatever word you want to call it…but sometimes if I am really frazzled I have difficulty with concentration. When I can concentrate well, it is very good and relaxing. When I was in school I had some classes in it that were interesting and we actually put digital thermometers on various parts of our bodies and would try to raise the temperature of that body part by concentrating on it. I also did some “bio-feed back” once for a back injury and could relax those tight muscles (as measured by objective, not subjective, criteria and measurements.)
It has been more difficult for me to hold the concentration necessary since the aircraft crash that killed my husband, but I am improving lately in my efforts.
Healing is a PROCESS, and a JOURNEY, I think…and each day we make a little progress in peeling the “onion” and I try to focus on some aspect of the process….tomorrow or next week, I will focus on a different aspect, and so on…and then something will come up that I go back and re-focus on some aspect I had worked on before, and it moves in a circle. I’m off the “roller coaster” of the very highs and the very lows, and the journey is leveling out more now. Letting go of the bitterness and the emotional rushes helps to let me focus on the things that are really important, not get side tracked in the minute things that in the end are very UNimportant.
Looking around and seeing what is around me, seeing the strength in others, allows me to see the strengths in myself. Seeing the healing in others allows me to further my own healing and to appreciate just how far I really have come from those days of literally lying on the floor crying like a gut-shot dog not sure if I would live, and not sure I cared if I lived or not.
“House of trauma cards falling down” Excellent Duped!
EMDR is great for bringing it all down. Glad you are in a good place and winning!
This last week has been a challenge, but I feel present right now. I love that so much! That is how I get through the memories and pain, knowing the house of wholeness that follows. What an amazing gift that makes it all worth it. Just being present.
The days before a memory I feel like I am going crazy, then after it breaks through I am reminded, I am going sane!
Wishes for a beautiful weekend!
this morning has been really challenging. hot again . i plan to go to the beach (a major sojourn involving ferry rides) and have lots to do in the house.
so i got up and started laundry and put it our on the line and then the landlord shows up with his gas powered lawn shit (who NEEDS a leaf blower????) and i had to run around and shut all the windows – so this is going on (i got a good whack of fuel) and the landlady starts to show the apt upstairs. well. instantaneous adrenaline rush and my quiet morning (after the first night that i actually came home when i wanted ’cause I looked forward to quiet since the DB upstairs is gone) was shot….
a stream of people coming and going to look at the apt. the last pair was a couple of guys – trashy looking and smoking as they pulled up. when they were done i went out and talked to them and told them that i am extremely allergic to smoke and gave them my spiel (no one can get into the place without walking past my apt, and their balcony is right above my windows and the smoke streams in when people smoke out there….)
so, the landlady, who is FINALLY talking to me again after being pissed with me because i called them out on lying to me 2 years ago – sees me talking to these guys. can’t say where that is going to go now. i don’t trust them to not rent to the douchey smokers – so i couldn’t go ask her if she was going to rent to them.
feel better just writing this. for the moment. cripes.
I need a safe home. now that i am less reactive, i can see the calm i was in yesterday (foreign to me) and how i am today and how that feels.
must go get ready for my journey to the beach. keep cool today everyone!
Ana, I’m not sure where “talker” or “near” disappeared to….it isn’t unusual for people to just sort of come and go at random, though. I think there are like 50,000 hits per month (from different people) on LF now, but by contrast, few people actually POST….readers compared to posters is probably 1:500 (just my guess, I have no way of knowing, but maybe Donna does) anyway that is “per usual” for folks to disappear without saying why. Kim Frederick told us she was going to have to get off because she had to get a job and she would have no access to a computer….and Aloha told us (she may have been before your time) that she was going to college and working and even she checks back from time to time…One lady that was on here I knew off-blog before she came here, went into the hospital and subsequently died, but most people just seem to “vanish”—I wonder about them, just curious I guess, but the statistics are that 85% of abused people go back to their abuser and unfortunately I don’t have any statistics about how many of the 15% who don’t go back to that ABUSIVE ONE, but instead go out and find ABUSER NUMBER TWO…and start the game all over again.
It is odd to me that while there is NO hope that a psychopath will change, there is ACTUALLY I think, NOT a lot of hope that WE (former victims of one) will change either….way too many of us either go back to the victim status with that first abuser, or find another abuser to take his/her place.
One,
I hope you get decent renters above you, but unfortunately, I am not telling you anything you don’t know when I say that in renting an apartment, you have NO control over who she rents to, or how they behave, other than calling the law when they do something that is ILLEGAL.
I understand (I’ve lived in apartments) the frustration of not being able to stop neighbors from doing things that are DISTURBING not NOT “illegal.” It doesn’t matter a lot if you are in a high rent district or a low rent district. I wish I could tell you I have a suggestion on how to handle it that would work, and I don’t even have a SUGGESTION….except move, and I know you already want to do that.
Even moving may not be the answer because you may not know what the neigbhors are like just by looking at a house or apartment. I also know you rely on public transportation which compounds the problem of available places to live for you.
Living in a city itself, even one with big lots, is a stress to me because I have lived in the QUITE and PRIVACY of these woods for decades now. When I go visit the city, which I do from time to time, or even small towns, I feel agoraphobic to an extent. The sounds around me that are unusual disturb me, and I feel a bit paranoid and unsafe.
Add in your sensitivities to smoke, noise and chemicals and I can’t even imagine the irritation and angst it must cause you.
The summer I lived on the lots at the lake, though it was a rural area by most folk’s ideas, it none the less had lots of people in close proximity compared to my home, and also my dog Alex was shot by one of the “holiday renters” over Thanksgiving….in her own yard. City dwelling Kids with a new gun who had to shoot something out in the “country.” It was ILLEGAL of course but though we know who did it, we couldn’t prove it enough to prosecute.
Now, I have a PAROLEE out from 10 years inside for murder living with the red-necks across from me…..and my P-DAR goes DING DING DING!!!! when I am around him, tats from wrists to neck, and ATTITUDE all over the place….but up to now I am just smiling and “welcoming him to the neighborhood”—-his story by the way is that he did 3 years for biting someone’s finger off in a fight….but I found the real story was 20 years for a murder, he did 10 and is out on parole. Living in an RV next to the Red-neck’s house….no one seems to have a job there and the electric has been cut off at least once this summer, so won’t be long before they are up to something to produce some “income” I am sure….but at least I do have a HEADS UP on what all is going on in the neighborhood….and one of the best and biggest rules is to keep the psychopaths from knowing you are “on to them.”
Asking a smoker to NOT smoke either in his house or outside for your convenience (health) is sort of like asking a homeless wino to not drink….I think your chances of success are NIL, ZIP, ZERO, NONE….because they are HOOKED and they are NOT likely to accomodate someone else. When I was a smoker I didn’t smoke in other people’s houses or cars, but I know my clothes and hair must have reeked…and when my now-X BF from Texas came up I didn’t some inside my own house, but went outside because the smoke irritated her…but I cared about her and it wasn’t that I couldn’t go outside to smoke either…these people don’t know you from Adam’s off ox, and probably don’t care, and if they can’t smoke inside or outside their apartment are not likely to try to accomodate YOUR wishes and needs. The only thing I can suggest is that there is a respirator that my son and I have for being around chemicals, it has a charcoal filter in it, and it is not difficult to breathe in or out and is actually quite a bit more comfortable versus a hepta filter paper mask. The other suggestion I have is to get a big hepta filter for your apartment and tape up the windows as much as possible. I have 2 small hepta filters for my bedroom because I got some mold in there from running a humidifier in the winter time in there. By frequently changing out the filters it seems I have gotten the majority of the mold out of the room and don’t seem to have any problem now. I am HIGHLY sensitive to mold spores. I also took a couple of years of allergy shots several years ago, but have not had to have any repeats of the shots and in fact, spent most of the day thursday getting re-tested for allergies and she suggested that I didn’t need any more shots as I still had residual positive effects from the ones I took YEARS AGO…So anyway, I am out of suggestions…I know most of the chemical sensitivities there are NOT any “allergy” shots for….I highly respond to perfumes and there is NOTHING you can do about them except AVOID them if you can. Fortunately now that I am retired, I don’t have to spend my days in little rooms with old ladies who have POURED gallons of AVON over themselves to go to the clinic. LOL
🙂 Never fear hens is always here…Onestep I wish you could move to an island where there is no smoke or fumes or douche bags….
It’s unbearably hot and dry here, at 30 days over 100 degrees, our record was 50 days back in 1980, looks like we may break that record, but what can we do about it?
I ran into a cousin I have not seen in years, she gave me a much needed hug, our mothers are sister’s, she asked about mine and I said well I hear she is not doing well but I have had very little to do with her since she offered to shoot me. Cousin says, ”well you know our mothers are crazy”….there were 4 girls in that family ( my mothers ) and all of them are evil lunatics..anywho felt good to have my reality of mother and aunt’s reinforced, cousin asked if I had anyone special in my life, I said ” i did for about three years, but he was so special I kicked his evil ass out”…she laughed…well so much for that….
My wieners are not eating well, guess it is the heat…so much for my trivia…..ta da~!
thats me – like a refrigerator covered from head to toe with magnets – well that ‘was’ me…i dont attract nothin but bee’s now adays….
BBE – interesting list. Why is it Blue that we ‘overlook’ those behaviours? I am level-headed, deal with this type of stuff/person every day at work BUT I did not see it with him.
Maybe it’s like jumping a red light – which would mean we get to work on time. The ‘reward’ is worth the ‘risk’? So maybe we justify their behaviour because we have our eye set on the goal.
candy:
I have asked myself that over and over…why did I let myself fall for it?? I am the same as you…very level headed, etc., but I just went literally crazy over this man!! I will never figure it out.
I think the list is pretty complete…WAS me to a TEE, but now, the list is different.
Kind, but not to a fault
Caring, but not a push over for a sob story
forgiving, but that doesn’t mean I restore TRUST
Know I can’t change anyone but myself
Generally not willing to give someone a second chance for dishonesty
Faith much stronger
Not willing to overlook “unusual” behaviors if they are dishonest
Have my own place, and MY PLACE, MY RULES
Have a red-neck car lot, but all paid for
Retired, so not much money, but I use it wisely for MY needs, not yours
Loving, but don’t let love for someone excuse abuse by that person
Generous, but not to a fault, “generosity begins at home” just like charity.
Likes sex but only with people I am committed to and are committed to me (so ain’t had nun for a long time) but that’s still okay.
Alone, but not lonely
‘
Have had bad relationship in past, but LEARNED FROM IT
Put SELF first, take care of my needs and expect you to take care of yours.
Yep, that’s the NEW list.