Salon.com just posted an article about online romance scams, Facebook status: In a scam relationship, by Tracy Clark-Flory. The scams run like this:
- Perp finds a target online.
- They communicate via email, text and sometimes phone.
- Perp proclaims undying love.
- Maybe perp sends flowers and stuffed teddy bears.
- Perp suddenly has a dire emergency and needs money.
- Target sends money, and keeps sending money until there’s none left.
Apparently, romance scams—known as “love fraud,” according to the article—are a growth industry. The story quoted a man named Rob who lost $14,000 to a woman he never met. He is now a volunteer for RomanceScams.org, which has counseled 50,000 people who believe they were swindled.
According to Salon:
Many of the scammers are based in Nigeria, home of the infamous 419 email scam love fraud is a much savvier twist on that old formula. “Scammers search chat rooms, dating sites, and social networking sites looking for victims,” warns the FBI’s Internet Crime Complaint Center. “The principal group of victims is over 40 years old and divorced, widowed, elderly, or disabled, but all demographics are at risk.” The perpetrators investigate the target by doing a Google search on their name and scouring their online profiles. “Once they have all that information, they create a character that is specific to you and your desires,” Rob says. “In short, they create your dream mate, and they’re very good at what they do, unfortunately.”
The con artists frequently pose as soldiers serving in Afghanistan or Iraq. The problem has gotten so bad that the military has issued press releases warning people not to fall for soldiers asking for money so they can go on leave. Read:
CID warns of Internet romance scams, on Army.mil
Army stresses caution to combat scammers, on Military.com
The Salon article explains how the scammers hook the targets, and the process is familiar to all of us who have been snagged by sociopaths: “The scammers get the target to reveal their most delicate feelings and secrets; and a sense of real intimacy often develops.” And that’s the reason the scams work—people are looking for love.
Plenty of readers commented on the article. Most of the comments expressed this view: Anyone who falls for an online romance scam is a complete idiot.
Read the article and comments:
Facebook status: In a scam relationship, on Salon.com.
Why send money to Nigeria?
Lovefraud has heard from people who have fallen for these online scams. And even though I know how convincing sociopaths are, I must admit that these cases perplexed me.
Yes, I lost $227,000 to my con artist ex-husband. But he was physically with me. He looked me in the eye, made his promises, turned on the tears when necessary. He had sex with me, which released all that oxytocin, the trust hormone. He brought me around to his business friends, creating the illusion that he truly was an entrepreneur.
I know why I gave him my money. But why anyone would send money to a person they never met who lives in Nigeria?
I think the answer lies in the power of our own minds, and I’ll take you through my reasoning.
Fantasy
First of all, it is very possible to have accepting, positive thoughts about people we’ve only met over the computer—just look at all the friendships that have developed here on Lovefraud. Taking this a step further to romance isn’t difficult.
We may not really know what the person looks like or sounds like, because we’ve never met. But as I explain on the Lovefraud.com page about Online Seduction, we fill in any gaps in our knowledge about a potential romantic partner with fantasy:
When you meet people in the real world, you notice their height, weight, grooming, voice, mannerisms—and immediately form conclusions about them. All of this information is missing in e-mail correspondence. You can’t see, smell or touch the person. You don’t even really know if you’re communicating with a man or a woman.
So what do you do? You imagine the person is what you want him or her to be.
Essentially what happens is that in an online romance, we fall in love with our own fantasy. We create an image in our minds of what the person is, and how the person feels about us. And we believe it.
Oxytocin
I referred briefly to oxytocin above. This hormone is thought to be released during hugging, touching and orgasm in both men and women, and acts as a neurochemical in the brain. According to Wikipedia:
Oxytocin evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the mate. Many studies have already shown a correlation of oxytocin with human bonding, increases in trust, and decreases in fear.
Oxytocin serves a normal and important function in the human bonding process—it makes us feel calm and trusting with our mates. Nature probably gave us oxytocin so that we want to stay with our partners to raise children, thus helping the survival of the species.
But because it fosters trust, oxytocin can also help us get conned. Paul J. Zak explains this in a post on Psychology Today called How to run a con:
Social interactions engage a powerful brain circuit that releases the neurochemical oxytocin when we are trusted and induces a desire to reciprocate the trust we have been shown—even with strangers.
The key to a con is not that you trust the conman, but that he shows he trusts you. Conmen ply their trade by appearing fragile or needing help, by seeming vulnerable. Because of oxytocin and its effect on other parts of the brain, we feel good when we help others—this is the basis for attachment to family and friends and cooperation with strangers. “I need your help” is a potent stimulus for action.
So, oxytocin doesn’t necessarily require sex in order to be released. It can be triggered by other social interactions—perhaps even those conducted via electronic media.
Oxytocin is released in the brain and causes feelings of trust. But that isn’t the only way in which love affects the brain. According to Dr. Helen Fisher, romantic love actually causes a rewiring of the brain. She also believes that romantic love is an addiction.
For more on the neurological processes involved in romantic love, read:
The drive to love: The neural mechanism for mate selection on HelenFisher.com.
Brain action
You’ve probably heard of the “placebo effect.” Physicians and researchers have long known that people in clinical trials of drugs frequently experience the benefits of the drug, even though they are taking the placebo. Because they believe they are taking the drug, they believe they will get better, and they do.
This is not just an imaginary improvement. According to an article on MSNBC, “research shows that belief in a dummy treatment leads to changes in brain chemistry.” In other words, belief can be just as strong as actual medication.
Read Placebo’s power goes beyond the mind on MSNBC.MSN.com.
And here’s another aspect of the brain: Research has found that the physical structure of the brain isn’t nearly as static as once thought. As explained in Time Magazine:
For decades, the prevailing dogma in neuroscience was that the adult human brain is essentially immutable, hardwired, fixed in form and function, so that by the time we reach adulthood we are pretty much stuck with what we have.
But research in the past few years has overthrown the dogma. In its place has come the realization that the adult brain retains impressive powers of “neuroplasticity”—the ability to change its structure and function in response to experience.
Read How the brain rewires itself on Time.com
The point, therefore, is that the brain is changeable, and it doesn’t necessarily require drugs or a physical incident in order to change. Thoughts and beliefs have the power to change the brain.
Power of imagination
So where am I going with all this? Here is what I think may be happening in romance scams:
- The perp contacts the target, gradually building the target’s love and trust.
- The target believes that the perp is real and they are in a romantic relationship.
- Because of the target’s belief, oxytocin is released in the brain, even though there is no physical touching.
- The belief in love also rewires the brain, just as it does in a real relationship.
- The target may even become addicted to the relationship.
- The target is primed to be conned.
My theory, then, is that in an online romance scam, we believe we are in a true romantic relationship. Our belief causes all the same brain changes that a real world relationship causes. Because of the power of our imaginations, we may be just as susceptible to online scams as we are to real life scams.
Come to think of it, this is probably why we fall for the real life scams. We believe the love is true, even though it isn’t.
Louise – it’s just a mind feck. Like you I STILL do not get WHY I fell for him.
Sorry to hear about your mum. There WILL be a CRISIS (of some sort) and sad as that is, that may be your opportunity to get something done.
Ox – good list. What a turn-around from the people we were when we had our spath encounters!
I guess we live and LEARN.
Candy,
never underestimate the power of the love-bomb/whipsaw.
It is more powerful than any drug I’VE tried.
And it’s insidious. First there is the love bombing which is so seductive. They tell you how awesome and important you are to them. Don’t just imagine a lover doing this, it can be anyone – they just tailor it to your specific relationship and needs. After a certain length of time, after they see that you come eagerly for more of the same, they quite suddenly cut you off. They might leave abruptly, or they may just get really angry for no reason. It’s a test. And it’s how they check to make sure you are going through withdrawal. When you’ve suffered enough, they make it all better by reverting to how wonderful they were before. You will NEVER see it coming until it’s too late. It’s a trauma bond and it’s sooooo easy to implement it.
I’ve experienced this a few times since leaving the spath. A few other people have done it to me and I watched a complete stranger trying to work it on my BF, just to set the tone for alpha dog position (I guess). It’s sickening to think people do this to other people as a means of being manipulitive.
When I first met my spath, he spent all his time with me for a couple of weeks after he told me he wanted to be exclusive with me. I was really looking forward to that saturday because I worked and could never spend enough time with him. That saturday I went to his apartment early in the morning and he wasn’t there. Then I waited ALL DAY in the park next to the apartment. I can still remember that feeling that I had, even though it happened in early 1984. I was devestated and crushed. It was as if he had died. I was inconsolable. WTF? What could make me feel that way? I had been set up, put on the pedestal, and pushed off. He finally came home from riding his motorcycle all day with his friend Kenneth – a young blonde man (one of the first of many young blonde men that I later met) I was so angry that I smacked Kenneth on the head – hard. He was lucky he was wearing a helmet.
All of this pain that we have experienced is the result of the love bomb, trauma bond. Each high creates a lower low. and each low creates a higher high. It becomes addiction, just like any drug. But in this case, there is no law against it or even a warning from parents or teachers. I think that’s why the Buddhist’s advocate “the middle way”.
Skylar;
I believe that “text bombing” was integral to my getting drawn in by the x-spath. Just before I met him, I purchased my first smart phone, with a full keyboard. Prior to that I only had phones with a number pad, which is a pain for texting.
Thus, when he began sending me many text messages and vis-versa, this was unusual for me and very powerful. It was like he was with me all the time, even when he was 3000 miles away. If I saw something interesting, I would take a snap and send it off to him. He told me how much more interesting my life seemed, which raised my empathy towards him. I wanted him with me in person, so his life would be interesting as well.
Only now do I realize that the volume of texting with him while high, was not particularly high. However, at the time I thought 100+ messages a week with somebody really meant something special.
BBE,
it may not be a high number compared to what kids today send, but it is enough “attention grabbing” that your brain is still going to put a high importance on it. And there were enough pleasurable moments associated with each exchange, that you were going to get at least a little addicted.
Sky – spot on. You are absolutely right. Sometimes when we see others write what WE felt it all makes sense.
And to Blue – Yep, the texting was a BIG part of my own lovebomb too.
Skylar,
Yes. One moment they are 100% in your life, then gone. This reinforces the reward and punishment cycle that gets us hooek.
Thanks for your post skylar…
“skylar says:
Candy,
never underestimate the power of the love-bomb/whipsaw.”
I never really knew the term love bomb before but you are so accurate in your depiction. “Trauma bond”…I never knew what they meant and still have a hard time with it. I definitely need to read more!
Thanks skylar for saying what I know is the truth.
I am doing alright today. Have had a bit of a problem with the blog site not wanting to behave but other than that…
doing alright in my peace and quiet. 🙂 YAY!!!
Oh yes: HUGE LOVEBOMBS. 🙂
Thanks you guys.
Dupedster
skylar:
The trauma bond is so what I experienced. The highs, the lows. Addiction. Withdrawal. I so much went through this. Now I know what a drug addict feels like. Thanks for your post.
BBE:
My experience wasn’t texting in the beginning interestingly enough because he claims he was afraid to ask for my cell number…thought I wouldn’t give it to him. I sure as Hell wish I wouldn’t have given it to him. So instead of calling and texting, he was sending me a ton of emails and this was at work so it can all be tracked. He didn’t care. I kept giving him excuses when he kept asking me out because he was separated and I knew what I was in for. I finally caved…don’t even ask me why. Looking back, I will never know what clicked…what made me change my mind? But I did and now I will never be the same. I am still so angry. Still need to try Star’s meditation techniques for anger.
So when he finally got my cell number after three weeks, the emails stopped and the texting started. I was addicted. And then when the texting stopped, I was in severe withdrawal. Everything stopped; he disappeared. I didn’t find out for four months that he went back to his wife. Sigh. But then what makes me even more angry is he started trying again…texting all the time, even way more than he did the first go round. He even asked me to go to an NFL game with him! (we didn’t go). This went on for months again and then poof…he disappeared again. That’s what you get when someone has a wife or even another woman in their life. Thank God I didn’t sleep with him again. Whew. I don’t know if I will ever forget about him. I do have hope that I will.
This has been a long, lonely journey. I say lonely because there are very few people I can talk to about it because most friends don’t want to hear it because he is married. Huge no-no. No one has any sympathy for me, but they do not realize I was taken by a sociopath and another narcissistic pathological liar (the OW in triangulation). It was a nightmare and no one understands. Thank God I found this site.
Yes, Louise, I hear you. I don’t know what I would have done without being able to come here. You and everyone else has been such an IMMENSE support to me.
“I” understand you and completely believe you that you were taken by a sociopath and left with the scars, just like all of us have.
It IS difficult finding people to talk to about this because most people tend to believe: “It’s your own fault for being involved with it in the first place!” “I don’t want to hear it; you did this to yourself!” And, you know, all the ‘normal’ cliche`s….while I agree there ARE some women such as yourself and I who was NOT looking for a married man, but certainly had one IMPOSED UPON us and that’s really what it is. Imposing upon our goodness and kindness just to see what they can suck from us in the process.
I know what you mean about “I don’t know if I will ever forget about him. I do have hope that I will.” I understand, Louise. I don’t think we ever really ‘forget’ about them but then start to ‘blend in’ with the newly found set of convictions and mind sets. Don’t they? That is good. They become that lesson we learned ‘the hard way’.
Oh yes, Dear Louise, this has been a very long, lonely, journey. We are going to be alright, though; you just watch! We are going to come out of this stronger, wiser and even shinier and brighter people than ever before!
The world is ours now. We can make it the way we want.
My ‘captivity’ is over and the chains have been broken! We are on our way, Louise. 🙂
**BLESSINGS**
Dupedster