Salon.com just posted an article about online romance scams, Facebook status: In a scam relationship, by Tracy Clark-Flory. The scams run like this:
- Perp finds a target online.
- They communicate via email, text and sometimes phone.
- Perp proclaims undying love.
- Maybe perp sends flowers and stuffed teddy bears.
- Perp suddenly has a dire emergency and needs money.
- Target sends money, and keeps sending money until there’s none left.
Apparently, romance scams—known as “love fraud,” according to the article—are a growth industry. The story quoted a man named Rob who lost $14,000 to a woman he never met. He is now a volunteer for RomanceScams.org, which has counseled 50,000 people who believe they were swindled.
According to Salon:
Many of the scammers are based in Nigeria, home of the infamous 419 email scam love fraud is a much savvier twist on that old formula. “Scammers search chat rooms, dating sites, and social networking sites looking for victims,” warns the FBI’s Internet Crime Complaint Center. “The principal group of victims is over 40 years old and divorced, widowed, elderly, or disabled, but all demographics are at risk.” The perpetrators investigate the target by doing a Google search on their name and scouring their online profiles. “Once they have all that information, they create a character that is specific to you and your desires,” Rob says. “In short, they create your dream mate, and they’re very good at what they do, unfortunately.”
The con artists frequently pose as soldiers serving in Afghanistan or Iraq. The problem has gotten so bad that the military has issued press releases warning people not to fall for soldiers asking for money so they can go on leave. Read:
CID warns of Internet romance scams, on Army.mil
Army stresses caution to combat scammers, on Military.com
The Salon article explains how the scammers hook the targets, and the process is familiar to all of us who have been snagged by sociopaths: “The scammers get the target to reveal their most delicate feelings and secrets; and a sense of real intimacy often develops.” And that’s the reason the scams work—people are looking for love.
Plenty of readers commented on the article. Most of the comments expressed this view: Anyone who falls for an online romance scam is a complete idiot.
Read the article and comments:
Facebook status: In a scam relationship, on Salon.com.
Why send money to Nigeria?
Lovefraud has heard from people who have fallen for these online scams. And even though I know how convincing sociopaths are, I must admit that these cases perplexed me.
Yes, I lost $227,000 to my con artist ex-husband. But he was physically with me. He looked me in the eye, made his promises, turned on the tears when necessary. He had sex with me, which released all that oxytocin, the trust hormone. He brought me around to his business friends, creating the illusion that he truly was an entrepreneur.
I know why I gave him my money. But why anyone would send money to a person they never met who lives in Nigeria?
I think the answer lies in the power of our own minds, and I’ll take you through my reasoning.
Fantasy
First of all, it is very possible to have accepting, positive thoughts about people we’ve only met over the computer—just look at all the friendships that have developed here on Lovefraud. Taking this a step further to romance isn’t difficult.
We may not really know what the person looks like or sounds like, because we’ve never met. But as I explain on the Lovefraud.com page about Online Seduction, we fill in any gaps in our knowledge about a potential romantic partner with fantasy:
When you meet people in the real world, you notice their height, weight, grooming, voice, mannerisms—and immediately form conclusions about them. All of this information is missing in e-mail correspondence. You can’t see, smell or touch the person. You don’t even really know if you’re communicating with a man or a woman.
So what do you do? You imagine the person is what you want him or her to be.
Essentially what happens is that in an online romance, we fall in love with our own fantasy. We create an image in our minds of what the person is, and how the person feels about us. And we believe it.
Oxytocin
I referred briefly to oxytocin above. This hormone is thought to be released during hugging, touching and orgasm in both men and women, and acts as a neurochemical in the brain. According to Wikipedia:
Oxytocin evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the mate. Many studies have already shown a correlation of oxytocin with human bonding, increases in trust, and decreases in fear.
Oxytocin serves a normal and important function in the human bonding process—it makes us feel calm and trusting with our mates. Nature probably gave us oxytocin so that we want to stay with our partners to raise children, thus helping the survival of the species.
But because it fosters trust, oxytocin can also help us get conned. Paul J. Zak explains this in a post on Psychology Today called How to run a con:
Social interactions engage a powerful brain circuit that releases the neurochemical oxytocin when we are trusted and induces a desire to reciprocate the trust we have been shown—even with strangers.
The key to a con is not that you trust the conman, but that he shows he trusts you. Conmen ply their trade by appearing fragile or needing help, by seeming vulnerable. Because of oxytocin and its effect on other parts of the brain, we feel good when we help others—this is the basis for attachment to family and friends and cooperation with strangers. “I need your help” is a potent stimulus for action.
So, oxytocin doesn’t necessarily require sex in order to be released. It can be triggered by other social interactions—perhaps even those conducted via electronic media.
Oxytocin is released in the brain and causes feelings of trust. But that isn’t the only way in which love affects the brain. According to Dr. Helen Fisher, romantic love actually causes a rewiring of the brain. She also believes that romantic love is an addiction.
For more on the neurological processes involved in romantic love, read:
The drive to love: The neural mechanism for mate selection on HelenFisher.com.
Brain action
You’ve probably heard of the “placebo effect.” Physicians and researchers have long known that people in clinical trials of drugs frequently experience the benefits of the drug, even though they are taking the placebo. Because they believe they are taking the drug, they believe they will get better, and they do.
This is not just an imaginary improvement. According to an article on MSNBC, “research shows that belief in a dummy treatment leads to changes in brain chemistry.” In other words, belief can be just as strong as actual medication.
Read Placebo’s power goes beyond the mind on MSNBC.MSN.com.
And here’s another aspect of the brain: Research has found that the physical structure of the brain isn’t nearly as static as once thought. As explained in Time Magazine:
For decades, the prevailing dogma in neuroscience was that the adult human brain is essentially immutable, hardwired, fixed in form and function, so that by the time we reach adulthood we are pretty much stuck with what we have.
But research in the past few years has overthrown the dogma. In its place has come the realization that the adult brain retains impressive powers of “neuroplasticity”—the ability to change its structure and function in response to experience.
Read How the brain rewires itself on Time.com
The point, therefore, is that the brain is changeable, and it doesn’t necessarily require drugs or a physical incident in order to change. Thoughts and beliefs have the power to change the brain.
Power of imagination
So where am I going with all this? Here is what I think may be happening in romance scams:
- The perp contacts the target, gradually building the target’s love and trust.
- The target believes that the perp is real and they are in a romantic relationship.
- Because of the target’s belief, oxytocin is released in the brain, even though there is no physical touching.
- The belief in love also rewires the brain, just as it does in a real relationship.
- The target may even become addicted to the relationship.
- The target is primed to be conned.
My theory, then, is that in an online romance scam, we believe we are in a true romantic relationship. Our belief causes all the same brain changes that a real world relationship causes. Because of the power of our imaginations, we may be just as susceptible to online scams as we are to real life scams.
Come to think of it, this is probably why we fall for the real life scams. We believe the love is true, even though it isn’t.
Hi Da Dupedster – Sometime’s victim’s are always the victim because the crime was so unbelievable..I relate with you…when I first met my X he told me he was single and had a roommate…it was years later I found out otherwise…why didnt I end it then? I wish I had because the roommate kicked him out and he ended up being my responsibilty…that was his plan..I was option number two and soon option number one and the rest is history…oh if we could do it all over again…but duped we have learned a very powerful lesson…I have anyway..dont bring home strays….
Just like my comment above about my mother threatening to shoot me…only my family member’s believe me…some of my so called friends became history when I told them what happened…they thot I must be crazy because my mother was the sweetest thing…well I could write a book..but what is important is getting away from evil and staying away…
OXY – I had a bad day sitting with all this crap. but i was at the beach at least, swimmin topless (legal) which makes me very happy.
i can’t close this place up – it is still off gassing, and the only way i can be here is to have the windows open.
it all sucks. i have, at least a few more days of air and liberty.
then i am going to shoot somebody. just kidding. i am so angry.
i wish i had the guts to act so freaky as to have scared them off.
got home about half an hour ago and it’s late and there is music blasting – effing neighbours across the park are having an outside wedding with a full freaking amplified band in the the middle of the city at midnight. who does that? i didn’t give a rats ass that it was a wedding. they shut it down right away. arggh, i want out of the city!
Hi Dear hens….
right: sometimes the victim becomes the victim all over again because people don’t believe you. Like you are actually making up such diabolical stories! please!!!!!!
I haven’t ran into this so far on my journey, except for perhaps my first counselor who labeled me, to my face, a masochist because I continued to put up with it all.
Since I have found TWO ‘new’ counselors to replace THAT ONE and suddenly, I learn all kinds of new things to help me on my journey. #1, MASSIVE MANIPULATION; #2, TRAUMA BONDING; #3, just really what a crock of bull dookey this whole roadshow really and truly was and has been!!!!!
There is nothing wrong with us in so much as we were DUPED by skillful manipulators who need to be horse whipped for their immoral terpitude.
I am about to lay this experience to bed and move forward with my life. I am not wasting another second on feeling badly or missing or anything else because NOW I realize I have been “HAD” by the most horrid person I think I have ever met, actually. Left me here, alone, to die, but yet calls me on the phone, while he is actually having sex with the new OW….(another little tidbit of the torture and disrespect I actually allowed in my world!)
Right hens: what is important is getting away from all of that evil and staying away from it. WE know who we are and the truths…that is all we need. WE know who we are and we also know NOW “who” THEY are.
(((((hens))))) Sleep tight.
Love ~ Duh-duh-Dupedster
You could crash the wedding party – topless – get some free cake?
hahahaha: can I come too??? 🙂
Hi Duped,
Here is my song. Dedicated to my higher power…not a man. I love it and hope you do too!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gi3cOw5iJ10
Dear Duped,
This is happening to me,{or did recently when my Son in Law took me to task via email for rehashing traumatic episodes with my spath daughter.}
“I cant believe it, M, this happened a LIFETIME ago, and you are still going on about it! Get a life!” etc etc.
The point is, as I told him, there will NEVER be any closure except NC for life, as she has never once apologised for all of the unbelievably horrible things she has done to me, -and I do mean done.
“M, she wrecked your home and Art studio and destroyed your paintings in 1980!’
:When are you going to move on!” She will NEVER say sorry, and even if she did, it would simply be a ruse to extract more cash from me,{the erstwhile cash-cow.}
I cant believe the family tries to punish US, not the spath!
Now, SIL tells me spath D is probably bad mouthing me to my 3 Grandkids.I havent seen them in over 2 years, and my gifts are never even acknowledged, never mind thanked for.I have now decided, NO MORE GIFTS, not even at Xmas or Birthdays, as I have to ring THEM up, to find out if they have arrived!
So, not only am I not in contact with either spath daughters, I am being “punished’ by the whole family for DARING to stand up for myself!
I now have to draw a line in the sand, and say, NO MORE
liars, users, spaths,ungrateful Gkids, unloving son in laws
NO MORE! I need these people in my life, Why?
Do they love, care for and respect me, spend time with me, ring me up occasionally?,NO. SIL last brought the girls to see me for 2 hours on 25th April, 2009. Last saw Grandson on 8th Dec. 2008.They have not rung me up ONCE in all that time.
I have no choice but to cut them ALL off. Like the proverbial wolf gnawing off its paw to be free of the gin trap.
It took me a very long time to enforce Boundaries, but now Im like OXY, NO MORE LIARS USERS or CON ARTISTS EVER.PERIOD!.
For YEARS and years, like Oxy, I turned myself into a human pretzel to accommodate and “make nice” with my horrible offspring.kept making excuses for them. believed there was “good in everyone’ I just had to be more loving,forgiving, giving,on and on and on. And have they chnged.in over 30 plus years? Not one iota!
So, thats it, no more.Im free, they are free.
Love,
Mama gemXX
Good morning Ana & Mama Gem:
Thanks Ana for the tune! 🙂 Very touching….I could feel the power, Ana…xxoo Nice way to start my morning. 😉
(((Dear MamaGem))) So happy you see you and pray you are doing alright. I am coming along quite nicely on this long journey. It’s going very fast and quickly now. I suppose my PTSD has made this journey a lot more difficult and involved than it normally would be….EMDR has been helping THAT. I am better able to peel the layers of that onion away, NOW, so that I can actually REACH my PTSD issues.
I am sorry MamaGem for the horrible things you have to come through. I had almost an all afternoon chat with my youngest daughter who has a lot of issues, as well. SHE is the one who lost my 2-1/2 year old Grandson to murder, back in 1992…..
She gives me strength a lot of times. A lot of times just talking to her feels like someone is peeling the very skin off my body. I know what it is like to have family that you love very much but have a difficult time dealing with. I am sorry, MamaGem, things are like this. Although I love my younger daughter, very much, and it was very ‘uplifting’ talking to her yesterday, after quite a few months of silence…. UPLIFTING is exactly the word for it! 🙂
We live in different states and have for the past 12 years, after “I” gave up on HER drama and chaos and relocated. I mean, she was/is married; has 3 children MORE since my deceased Grandson. She didn’t need me THERE, physically, as much as she needed me TO LEAVE and GET OUT OF HER FACE. The only way she was ever going to find the answers and/or HERSELF after all of that, was just to let her find her way. I am so proud of her! You would all be amazed by her strength! Seriously. I know NOBODY stronger than she is!
It hurts that we are forced to stay away from family sometimes but I am a firm believer that we are the defenders of ‘right’ and ‘virtue’ and acceptability. Sometimes that means we sacrifice a lot but it isn’t necessarily a ‘conscious’ effort on our behalf, it is one of that instantaneous reactions that we have engrained in ourselves and made a part of ourselves. THAT is something the sp personality just can NOT grasp.
HHAHAHA: When I told “IT” on no uncertain terms, exactly what I thought about our situation and him, he responded, after everything I have been through with it, FOR NO REASON, mind you…only as a loving friend all this time…no expectations, no demands…”IT” had the nerve to say to me (and this shows the amount and/or depth of denial) “Man! There just really is something about me you do NOT like.” 🙂 DUH: UNDERSTATEMENT and don’t get me started again, I am trying to have a nice day! 🙂 hahahaha
“IT” can just go away. It’s harder with family. Although I am fortunate that I have no spath children, my youngest daughter, understandably, has some very deep issues about her losses. I can’t imagine any deeper grief than what she must feel and yet she moved on and is moving on and coming through all of her life changes and doing it so well. I am so proud of her and her courage and her strength. She is an immense inspiration. Just huge. She would not have grounded herself if the family kept ‘making over’ and ‘fussing’ over her. I have told the rest of the family to move away: “step away from the kid” but, well, they went ahead anyways, being that my nucleus family is VERY close; even me and my ex husband still are nice and civil to one another but my NUCLEUS family ROCKS! 🙂
Sure, we get mad at one another but I have always used NC with my kids when they are messing up and I don’t agree with them and it works. The difference between my kids and “IT” is that MY KIDS actually LEARN something and make those changes in themselves. “IT’S” do NOT. They are children trapped in a psychopathic mind. How’s THAT for an definition? 🙂
As we grow older and less wiser 😉 (sometimes more wiser)…ha! I don’t tolerate chaos and drama about me. I cannot function in that high level stress atmosphere. Funny, coming from me: the person who, at one time, was running around in an ambulance and saving lives in an ER….hmmm?
That is exactly one of the reasons my life MUST be peaceful in order for me to survive. My youngest daughter is now alone, about to come through a divorce, with 3 kids. But, you know, SHE has always been the ‘bread winner’ and that ‘take charge’ person in THAT relationship. He is fortunate, after beating my daughter and threatening her with a sword, that he is still inhaling and exhaling. oops: did I say that?
I have ALWAYS told my daughter: “This life is all about what you accept or not accept. YOU are in charge. YOU make the calls. YOU are in charge and you must do this for you and your children.” So she is pleading and begging with me to come there and help her raise her kids. 🙂 hahahahahaha
It was sooooooooooooooo uplifting to hear my daughter say to me, after years of extremely prodding and attempting to purposely TAUNT her into living life…she has been a ‘chore’. 🙂 After years of worrying about the weakest of my brood, she said to me: “Momma, you have been absolutely the BEST MOTHER any kid could ever have; you AND DAD and I want you to know that I am so sorry for any thing I have ever done to hurt you along the way.” 🙂 I told her she was forgiven and that it was water under the bridge and that all that mattered was NOW.
I think we talked for maybe 3 hours………
I don’t want to raise another family. 🙂 hahahahahahahahaha
MamaGem….you know in your heart the real answers for you. Sometimes the decisions we make are difficult ones and hard ones. Who knows ‘why’ family acts like they do…it has to be ‘within them’ to not recognize their in-considerations; while you and I are ‘old fashioned’ because we believe in things like virtue, manners, generosities, etc., I am quickly starting to see that these things are quickly fading from practice amongst the human race. Don’t you agree?
Talking with my youngest daughter yesterday made me very emotional but I knew it had to be done and then was the moment. I told her that I knew she could do this and that I believed in her and was proud of her. She is a wonderful mom and works very hard. Her MORON is a loser who won’t work; in and out of jail and setting bad examples for my young grandson. There is no excuse for her husband to act the way he is except that he is a spath. He is working on his third domestic violence charge and it’s up to HER whether he goes to prison for 13 years to life or not, on a repeat offender charge. Mind you, he has been doing this off and on the 9 years they have been married. Up until now, he has ‘hid’ it from the children.
Well, long story, short: when the cops came to arrest him, that night, this last time, she had already taken the children in her car and left the house, to someplace safe and then she called. The police came in and pulled him out of bed, where he had stupored asleep, on his stomach – the police there, awoke him by pulling him by his feet, face first, onto the floor with weapon up front….he is actually clamoring abuse and excessive force. 🙂
Shame on him. You see what I mean?
THIS IS MY FAMILY and although I love my daughter and children very much, I should not have to live their misery. They should CHANGE the misery and get it out of their programs because life is too short for it and/or to give it up dead from someone elses inconsiderations, family or not, MamaGem, that is the point. We are unique separate beings entitled to live this life the WAY WE CHOOSE by who we are INSIDE, our virtues and beliefs and convictions. NOBODY can inflict their value system on us. We know who we are and there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with standing up for what we believe in. Sometimes that itself becomes another ‘beacon’ to someone who maybe has lost their way and needs to make changes themselves. That is the ONLY RESPONSIBILITY we have to ourselves, our conscious and our hearts.
You hang in there MamaGem. It was hard for me to NC my younger daughter for as long as I did. I think about 8 months. I would NOT speak to her; NOT return her calls, etc., because THAT made her think of what she was doing. That is the way it has ALWAYS been between us. She was boo hoo’ing how very much she missed me yesterday on the phone and it made me ball because I can’t go anywhere now. Not with this bad ticker….no, choices come hard sometimes. But they are OUR choices.
**HUGS Mama Gem**
Dupedster
test
I’ve done TEST a million times. What is going on?? Nothing will post for me.