Most of us at Lovefraud are here because we’ve been conned, duped, deceived and betrayed by a sociopath. Once we finally figure out what we are dealing with, many of us do not tell other people what really happened. We do not talk about our experiences with sociopaths. After all, it’s embarrassing to admit that no, we didn’t see it coming, and yes, we fell for the scam. And if we do venture to describe the sociopath’s true behavior, we may be met by disbelief. “What? That charming person couldn’t possibly have done that. You must have misinterpreted.”
We quickly learn that people do not understand what we are talking about. Either they don’t believe us, or ostracize us. So we stop talking. We try to hide what happened, even from ourselves.
Not talking about our experiences with sociopaths has two effects:
- Our pain is bottled up within us, impeding our own recovery
- The world does not learn just how many social predators are living in our midst
Talking about it
After my appearance on ABC 20/20 back in 2014, I received an email from a Lovefraud reader who wrote:
I watched the show last night and somehow it unleashed several hidden emotions and feelings which I tried to bury regarding my situation. My healing has begun slowly month by month and I am now learning how not to be so hard on myself and be more cautious with my future relationships…
This reader experienced a release because someone else who was targeted told her story.
Katherine Underwood suffered tremendously at the hands of Budimir Drakulic, who took more than $410,000 from her. I know for a fact that it was very difficult for Katherine to do the TV show. Anyone who watched could see that she became emotional on several occasions.
Still, Katherine did it. And sharing her story likely helped thousands of other people.
When we talk about our experiences with sociopaths, when we stand up and say, “yes, this happened to me,” it helps other people who have been targeted realize that they are not alone. This can go a long way towards recovery.
Our own healing
Talking about our experiences with sociopaths also helps our own healing. When we share what happened, we are no longer carrying the burden of our pain all by ourselves.
A big reason why it’s often so difficult to recover from the devastation of the sociopath is that we feel so isolated, like no one really understands what we experienced.
Unfortunately, often our perception on this is correct. People do not understand what happened. That’s why a community like Lovefraud is so important everyone who reads and posts here does understand.
To know that someone truly empathizes with us is extremely validating. Especially when a sociopath has been calling us “crazy” and “mentally unbalanced,” validation can be truly helpful to our recovery.
Breaking the silence
When we discover that we’ve been duped by a sociopath, among the multitude of unpleasant emotions we feel are shame and embarrassment. Talking about what happened increases our shame and embarrassment, so we don’t do it.
Our silence, unfortunately, benefits the particular sociopath we were involved with, along with all the other sociopaths who prowl the planet. Because we don’t talk about our experiences with sociopaths, society doesn’t know they exist, and they continue to get away with their manipulation and deceit.
Yes, sociopaths are in our midst. Sometimes they look scary, but usually they don’t — they seem to be just like the rest of us, at least at first. They’re attentive and charming. They appear to be our best friend, or a pillar of the community.
Even a guy named Budimir Drakulic, the man who conned Katherine Underwood, was able to pass himself off as trustworthy.
Back in 1994, when Katherine met Drakulic, there was even less awareness of sociopaths than there is now. Today, if nothing else, all of us at Lovefraud at least know that they exist.
Spreading the word
Let’s spread the word.
Talking about our experiences with sociopaths can accomplish three things:
- Helping someone else recognize that they’re involved with a predator
- Helping our own recovery by sharing the burden of our experience
- Warning the rest of the world about the predators who live among us
We should educate ourselves about this personality disorder, and when the opportunity arises, talk about our experiences with sociopaths. It may not always be safe to talk about our personal situation. But we can share general information. We can send someone a link to Lovefraud.
Knowledge is power. The first step in protecting ourselves from sociopaths is knowing that they exist.
Donna…
Thanks for sharing this article. As a matter of fact, just yesterday I was talking with someone whose daughter is devastated by the loss of a relationship with what sounds like a sociopath. I gave her the LF sight to pass on to her daughter.
Knowledge is power. After having gone through this myself, if I can help others, I’m all about paying it forward!
Thanks for all you do.
carolann
Cannh – I am so glad that you are able to provide helpful information to the person you were talking to. So many people come to Lovefraud because a friend has said to them, “I think he/she sounds like a sociopath.”
The person Googles the word sociopath, ends up on Lovefraud, and then discovers this website describes precisely what they are dealing with.
Even though they are horrified, often they feel a sense of relief to finally know that they aren’t crazy, there is definitely something wrong with the individual.
This is the first step in escape and recovery .
Can’t. Can’t share. This is the third time it’s happened. I only get yelled at, and the whole what an idiot I was story. That’s why we keep it to ourselves. Sad but true.
Infinity – when other people don’t get it, that’s the time to share on Lovefraud. At least your online friends can validate your experience.
This is the only place I feel free to let it all out as it were. It’s exactly as your article says – we keep a lot of the pain inside as generally people don’t seem to understand or even believe what we say. In my case I live close by to my sociopath ex and see how he blends into the community and even commands respect. Nobody would believe me even if I told them or tried to warn them it’s a mask. I long to warn people to have nothing to offer so that he won’t follow them for his supply of money, sex, food, free transport. When asked why we split I have to say things like our relationship didn’t work out instead of the actual truth. So your 3 points are exactly what is needed. It does help recovery to talk about it so long as we can relax knowing we’re understood. It’s still frustrating watching this person operate when I know the real one but I can’t do much about it. I’ve tried no contact twice. He still eventually draws me back in somehow. The last time was an ‘accidental’ meeting in a shop where it would have been too embarrassing surrounded by people for me to ignore him. He behaved as though he’d just seen me yesterday instead of 6 months’ ago. But at least I feel much more in control now as I’m no longer in love with him or should I say with the person I thought he was. He lies to my face and instead of confronting him I just go along with the lies and don’t care. People do need to be made aware that sociopaths exist and what they are.
Infinity, Who’s yelling? No one here is. You aren’t an idiot. You are someone who was manipulated by someone who supposedly loved you. That doesn’t make you an idiot. Believe it or not… the only way out is through.
Talking about it – with someone you can trust whether in your life or here is how you get through it. Talking about it is painful. It is emotional. It can be depressing. You might think you will lose it in the journey. Trust me… getting through the pain and emotion there is a reward. You find what attracted you to a sociopath and what about you brought the sociopath to you. After you deal with the victimization of dealing with sociopaths, you discover the strength you have in surviving sociopaths.
If anyone is yelling at you… yell back. The shame in being victimized by sociopaths is not yours so give it back to the sociopaths – not that they are capable of acknowledging that little fact, but it belongs to them not you. You don’t need to go on guilt trips so stop packing your bags for them!
I fought talking about it for a long time. It was no good for me and it did awful things to my health. I met the right person to share with and I started talking. Talking about it with people I was safe with got me through my personal storm. As I got stronger, the sociopath in my life faded away. He moved on to easier territory. As I got comfortable in my own skin, my life opened up to all kinds of possibilities. Those who were holding me down got out of my way. The more I talked about it, the easier it became and the healthier I got.
I’m not saying it was easy or enjoyable. It was hard work during crazy times. Today, I have a new life that I love. I have friends who are true friends. I’m happy and frankly, living a happy life is the best revenge!
I am so thankful for this site. Right now, it’s the only place I feel comfortable talking about my experiences. I take lots of 2 steps forward and one step back, which baffles any friend who hasn’t experienced an spath. I also grew apart from most of my friends both because the spath sucked up all my time. He also put down all my friends, so I even began falsely believing they were not good to hang around with. I feel very lonely right now, but need someone to reach out to for support. Most friends get upset if you don’t take their advice. My frequent slides are too much for them to handle and I don’t like their judgmental looks and comments. Until I find the right person to share with, I am so thankful for my LF community.
Dear Claim,
I had mixed reactions, I ended up telling a lot of people but still felt embarrassed too. I just know that when I talked about my later term miscarriage, it helped me too(another taboo subject, many people don’t know the right things to say to you). Then I would go back and tell the people I told not to say anything to others. I felt if people were going to know I wanted the power to tell them and not my friend then gossiping it back to outsider friends.
A couple friends felt like they were interested about the gossip and drama, then one of my really good friends here just kept giving me horrible advice”go drink some tea” “watch a movie” “try not to think about it”…blah blah blah. I had many people tell me to just get on with it, and if they still knew I was checking and writing on this site, they would probably ask why? It sucks, people just never understand until they go through something, I felt so alone after my miscarriage like no one understood what I was going through. I am back at square one at going through something my friends just don’t understand-being manipulated by a spath.I have two friends, one here and one back home, that I can call anytime and talk to about this and I just focus on them. But love fraud has been a great outlet for me to. I make sure I take some time everyday to visit and either vent or help give some advice. The writing of the pieces of my story is my saving grace.
I’m glad I found this site like everyone else. I was involved with my Narc for 1 1/2 years and it wasn’t until 2 months ago that I caught him sneaking out on a date with someone else. That devastated me. The funny part I guess is that I was wanting to end the relationship anyway because I was tired…tired of asking for normal things in the relationship that he just refused to give me. I guess part of me hoped that he would change. When I caught him that night, it was like everything thing that I had suspected..all the lies and infidelity was laid out for me. I was relieved that my suspicions where true, but then I was like, “how and why would you want to do this to me, wasn’t I enough??” Even after all that I still wanted to reconcile with him. I know it’s crazy, but I do know you all understand. He blamed me for EVERYTHING that happened saying I provoked him. He even physically put his hands on me. He didn’t hurt me, but it was just the fact that he did, and on top of that called me a bitch. I called the police on him and from that he was like you tried to get me arrested…hell yeah I did, you did not have any right whatsoever putting your hands on me.
I was willing to get past it and work on making things better, but he CONSTANTLY kept bring it up saying I hurt his ego and that I provoked him by calling him names in front of his neighbors. He just continued to lie. I was going to excuse them…I was. I just wanted him, why I just don’t understand. Through it all he never sincerely apologized for what he did to me.
ANYWAY, after all that, he pissed me off again, I cussed him out and went on No Contact for about 3 weeks and fell off the wagon this weekend…again I reached out asking could we work things out and the bastard had a smart comment and then didn’t respond to the last 2 texts I sent him. Again, I’m right back at square root 1 I feel. This is sooo hard. I started seeing a therapist last week and yesterday I was so depressed that I felt like committing suicide, but thank God for my friends. I’ve got to get pass this and I’m hoping with the help of you guys I can.
I know that I have not accepted him for what he is…it’s like I can’t believe it, I didn’t even realize he was narcissistic until a friend of mine told me to research narcissistic relationships and that was like a smack in the face. I was like OMG this is our relationship on the web. He was soooo nice in the beginning and periodically throughout the relationship, but he was so controlling and treated me like a child with his crazy mood swings. I was always walking on eggshells because I never knew what was going to set him off. There is was…all written out for me and I still have not accepted it.
Thanks for reading…
Dear Southerngirl,
You will see you are not alone on this page and that it helps a lot in recovering too. You will see a lot of us also making contact again or checking pictures or letting their text/email updates bother us. My spath hasn’t made any contact…but like the drug that he was, I feel myself wanting to contact him. I only want to contact him to keep letting him hear the wrath of my anger and disgust for him, I dont want him back. I also feel I want more answers, but really will get any, I don’t think so. My spath’s fiance called two weeks ago and there was other women. He love bombed me, he gaslighted me, and he asked me for money(large sums) and I was smart in that department to say no but he had a great way of making me feel guilty about it. He divided and conquered his ex wife against her own family members and his fiance and her mom. He was Jamaican too, a down right fake rasta and hid behind his dreads and pretend chants.
I feel I took two steps backwards last night. I went into my phone and read past text messages between us. I saved them, because at the end he was being scary and threatening. Well i just starting crying and feeling depressed. I looked back at them and couldn’t believe some of the old texts I found that were such a red flag, but my blinders were on. I can only see the blinders now. I just have to pick up the pieces and try to move two steps forward again. It is a slow process but you will get there. Stay strong.
I was hit twice with sociopaths. The first one did such a number on me that he left me vulnerable for the 2nd one, who swooped in on his white steed to save me from the 1st, then totally devastated me financially. (Cheated on me with hookers too, but the worst part for me is losing my financial security).
At the time I didn’t understand what sociopaths were. I am trying to learn to forgive myself, because how could I protect myself if I didn’t know what I was protecting myself from? Now I know better, so I hope to do better (although I do understand that even those that are experts on sociopaths can still be fooled).
Mine was the pillar of the community also, and people STILL tell me it is difficult for them to believe he was into the perverted and fraudulent stuff he was doing. He was an ex cop who was doing some illegal stuff and he came across as such a good man, honorable (blech!) ….he was always talking about how important honor was, freaking liar/fraudulent jerk, and then he took advantage of a woman with small children. And he also took money from one of my kids. I am having a hard time forgiving him for that, and forgiving me for trusting him. I’ll never be able to make that up to my child….I can’t even get my feet on the ground again financially.
I think I am still reeling a bit. Even though it has been almost 5 years, I am still dealing with the financial repercussions (collection agencies calling) and I am not sure how I am going to dig out of this mess. Sometimes I am not sure I want to keep going on…..
uugghhh still in shock. I have to sit back and watch my spath still take advantage of his ex wife aunt and uncle. I pleaded to them about him and they don’t believe much of what Im saying. I had one piece of evidence that proved he had a fiance while dating me, and they just look at it like he is just a simple cheater. I have to watch as they plan to give him a down payment on his house. It hurts knowing that they are still out there deceiving others and there is nothing you can do about it because their brainwashing skills are so advanced. All we can do is try to live well, but easier said than done. Im thinking of you and hope you can get out of your financial issues.
I care if you keep going on.
We all care.
Very really care.
I don’t have any answers for you and your situation.
But I can tell you, you do want to keep going on.
You DO. You don’t know it sometimes, I can very much understand that, but you do want to. You will keep going on.
And things will work out as you go on.
Not prettily maybe, nor without pain.
But go on.
We all are here for here u 🙂
So very true Donna…thanks for giving us the courage to speak up and out. What others may think should in no way affect what we KNOW is fact. These people are just ignorant and shouldn’t be considered “friends” to begin with. Get on with regaining your former self-esteem. Thanks for all you do for victims of this devastating illness.
Donna, what I find so amazing about your site is the “direction.” Yes, we can share our stories, but you also offer ways to validate ourselves.
Not all “jerks” are sociopaths and that, I believe, is why it’s so difficult for the population at large to grasp. A con man who takes money isn’t quite as deadly as the sociopath who takes your money, decimates your sense of beingness, and harms your soul.
Your site is marvelous for the camaraderie and, too, it helps us each know we have to move forward – even if that means at the pace of one step forward, three steps back. It’s a process.
I personally am doing better, but the money issue is still a big one. Betrayal and fear became my world and I still have that pattern of upset…
And then, being MUCH older, without those rampaging hormones (grin), I don’t believe I am seeking a man in my life. And that permits me to look away from the concerns circulating around just “who the other is” in a romantic relationship. I think the romance component in a pathological encounter is such a deep betrayal.
I had not found compatible relationship partners in the past and that compounded my own sense of embarrassment and shame – along with unwillingness to share my own story. But NOTHING is like time with psychopathic entities.
Thank you for the site and I agree whole heartedly that the information about these beings in our midst is essential for our society.
Peggysue – thank you for your kind words – and for your contributions. Lovefraud is all of us sharing with each other and helping each other. That’s why it works.