Most of us at Lovefraud are here because we’ve been conned, duped, deceived and betrayed by a sociopath. Once we finally figure out what we are dealing with, many of us do not tell other people what really happened. We do not talk about our experiences with sociopaths. After all, it’s embarrassing to admit that no, we didn’t see it coming, and yes, we fell for the scam. And if we do venture to describe the sociopath’s true behavior, we may be met by disbelief. “What? That charming person couldn’t possibly have done that. You must have misinterpreted.”
We quickly learn that people do not understand what we are talking about. Either they don’t believe us, or ostracize us. So we stop talking. We try to hide what happened, even from ourselves.
Not talking about our experiences with sociopaths has two effects:
- Our pain is bottled up within us, impeding our own recovery
- The world does not learn just how many social predators are living in our midst
Talking about it
After my appearance on ABC 20/20 back in 2014, I received an email from a Lovefraud reader who wrote:
I watched the show last night and somehow it unleashed several hidden emotions and feelings which I tried to bury regarding my situation. My healing has begun slowly month by month and I am now learning how not to be so hard on myself and be more cautious with my future relationships…
This reader experienced a release because someone else who was targeted told her story.
Katherine Underwood suffered tremendously at the hands of Budimir Drakulic, who took more than $410,000 from her. I know for a fact that it was very difficult for Katherine to do the TV show. Anyone who watched could see that she became emotional on several occasions.
Still, Katherine did it. And sharing her story likely helped thousands of other people.
When we talk about our experiences with sociopaths, when we stand up and say, “yes, this happened to me,” it helps other people who have been targeted realize that they are not alone. This can go a long way towards recovery.
Our own healing
Talking about our experiences with sociopaths also helps our own healing. When we share what happened, we are no longer carrying the burden of our pain all by ourselves.
A big reason why it’s often so difficult to recover from the devastation of the sociopath is that we feel so isolated, like no one really understands what we experienced.
Unfortunately, often our perception on this is correct. People do not understand what happened. That’s why a community like Lovefraud is so important everyone who reads and posts here does understand.
To know that someone truly empathizes with us is extremely validating. Especially when a sociopath has been calling us “crazy” and “mentally unbalanced,” validation can be truly helpful to our recovery.
Breaking the silence
When we discover that we’ve been duped by a sociopath, among the multitude of unpleasant emotions we feel are shame and embarrassment. Talking about what happened increases our shame and embarrassment, so we don’t do it.
Our silence, unfortunately, benefits the particular sociopath we were involved with, along with all the other sociopaths who prowl the planet. Because we don’t talk about our experiences with sociopaths, society doesn’t know they exist, and they continue to get away with their manipulation and deceit.
Yes, sociopaths are in our midst. Sometimes they look scary, but usually they don’t — they seem to be just like the rest of us, at least at first. They’re attentive and charming. They appear to be our best friend, or a pillar of the community.
Even a guy named Budimir Drakulic, the man who conned Katherine Underwood, was able to pass himself off as trustworthy.
Back in 1994, when Katherine met Drakulic, there was even less awareness of sociopaths than there is now. Today, if nothing else, all of us at Lovefraud at least know that they exist.
Spreading the word
Let’s spread the word.
Talking about our experiences with sociopaths can accomplish three things:
- Helping someone else recognize that they’re involved with a predator
- Helping our own recovery by sharing the burden of our experience
- Warning the rest of the world about the predators who live among us
We should educate ourselves about this personality disorder, and when the opportunity arises, talk about our experiences with sociopaths. It may not always be safe to talk about our personal situation. But we can share general information. We can send someone a link to Lovefraud.
Knowledge is power. The first step in protecting ourselves from sociopaths is knowing that they exist.
I have been in a 30 year relationship (married almost 28 years) to a man I believe is likely a sociopath/NPD/BPD person. I have spent nearly our entire relationship initiating couples therapy. We are on our 14th therapist. We have been separated for the last year and 3months and have a child who is pre-teen. I will also add that I did take a full battery of tests to determine if I had BPD. During one of our therapy sessions 7 years ago I mentioned to the therapist that I read about NPD and felt my husband had it. She said “If he is NPD then you are BPD”. I did not walk…I ran to find a psychologist and get tested. I have zero PD and my psychologist also shared with me that I am very low on the “milestones”, so if I came into her office on my own asking to be tested, and she asked me the “milestone” questions, she ultimately would not have recommended testing. My husband had agreed to also be tested if I got tested. Surprise…he has never been tested. I have never experienced validation of any kind in therapy. I have been treated as though I am the identified patient. THis overall experience has additionally wounded me in ways I have difficulty describing. My husband has asked me to go back to our (recent) therapist. He says it is because I have never given him a chance to be the “sender” and that I have not been open to listening to him. Our current therapist specializes in imago and, while I believe in imago, it has become clear to me that my husband is using the principles, his charm, denial etc. to collude with yet another therapist to make me the “crazy” one. Therapy and marriage counseling? How in the world is therapy and/or marraige counseling ever helpful to the partner of a sociopath/npd/bpd? Why, when I bring up what I have learned, and state my concerns about these disorders, am I dismissed and invalidated? Why does the therapist continue therapy with a couple when one is saying they are being abused, and the therapist continues along as tho he/she is working with 2 non-disordered individuals and/or ultimately treats the non-disordered partner as tho he/she is the disordered one? confounding and abusive…that it my experience with therapists and marriage counselors
10Sne1 – Your experience is not unusual. There are many, many clueless therapists out there. Do not subject yourself to any more abuse. If you think your husband is disordered, trust your perceptions and don’t waste any more time and energy on therapists who don’t get it.
Please trust yourself. Victims can sometimes have traits of BPD but it is from the relationship, it is not you who are the sick one.
10Sne1,
I can relate to your story and I’m sorry that you went through such abuse. So glad that you now are starting to get the big picture.
My Spath husband also joined me in counseling over the years. It was always to no avail. He is a manipulating bully and when the counselor would catch on, he would stop going. I agree with Donna, now that you know, let it go and move on. It’s the best thing for you and your child.
Remember, you are not the one with the problem. He is very disordered and your actions were in response.
Best wishes for breaking free!
10Sne1,
The only thing wrong with you is you are still trying to make your relationship work…it will never work with a narcissist or a sociopath narcissist EVER!! Sorry to be so blunt but this is the fact. I have been exactly where you are trying and trying and trying to get the marriage on track..I felt like a was on a hamster wheel spinning to no where everyday…..I finally got off the hamster wheel and now know that no matter what women my ex h is with he will never have a normal, healthy, loving, respectful relationship or marriage. Took me 12 years, leaving several times, then to finally escape and found a counselor who opened my mind up from my ex h’s mind control to finally end my marriage and found a hormonal specialist to deal with my PTSD (highly common with victims of narcissistic abuse), now there is no way I would ever go back to him…my life is once again peaceful & calm & normal.
You must come to the realization that after 28 years of you trying to change yourself & him, trying to get help from a marriage counselor 14 times while your husband does nothing to change or truly try to change….that no matter how much marriage counseling the two of you get you are not going to correct his dysfunctional behavior.
At what point do you say ENOUGH with this crazy relationship?
The counselor who told you that if he was NPD then you are BPD is DEAD wrong about your assessment. That counselor clearly is not qualified to hold a license as she is doing more damage then actually helping you. Fire her immediately!! Find a individual counselor (not a marriage counselor) who is extremely knowledgeable with narcissistic abuse, to do this call your local abuse center and get a list of outside counselors then call each on the phone and interview them to see how knowledgeable they are and also to find one you feel comfortable with. You can call the National Domestic violence hotline 24/7 to get local abuse center numbers in the USA the # is 800-799-SAFE.
What is wrong with you? your mind has been controlled by a crazy man and because of this you know have PTSD. You have been gas lighted, had reward & punishment used on you, intimated, fears & phobia’s installed in your mind, brain washed, mind controlled have been hypnotized and traced, manipulated, lied to for 28 years….this is what that counselor is clueless about and she is clueless that he is doing the same to her. This is what uneducated counselors dont get. Narcissistic personality disorder and sociopathy disorders are very complex at how these evil people manipulate others not just their spouse.
My guess is you have a racing mind, high blood pressure, hormonal imbalance, difficulty making good decisions, anxiety, depression, possible panic attacks, hair loss, weight loss or gain, memory loss, exhausted, sleep issues, stressed to your max etc etc from all of the abuse you have been enduring for almost 30 years and this is what is causing you to feel emotional and feel like something is wrong with you mentally…but this is a physical issues called adrenal fatigue it is the leading issue with PTSD that is causing you to mentally feel out of control. A qualified counselor would tell you that you are suffering from PTSD not bpd. Adrenal fatigue (PTSD) can be healed that is the good news it takes time but it can be healed.
In the book Women who love psychopaths the author addresses that most therapist think that the victims is BPD when in fact they are NOT!!!
In Steven Hassan’s book Freedom of mind he states that domestic abusers are EXACTLY like cult leaders who use mind control literally to control their victims. You are being brain washing and mind controlled by your husband.
Dr Martha Stout states in her book The sociopath next door that even counselors can be narcissist, sociopaths & psychopaths so follow your gut when you meet one. I would stick with a female therapist since 1 in 5 people 75% men are narc and 1 in 25 people are sociopaths/psychopaths mainly men.
Google Gas lighting abuse (there is a good article on healthyplace.com but read every thing on this subject…Donna has info right her on this subject too)
What can you do to heal?
1) find a good hormonal specialist and get tested for cortisol levels, vitamin & mineral deficiency, hormonal imbalance, thyroid issues….as all of this is a major factor with adrenal fatigue (PTSD). If you have thyroid issues according to Dr Wilson adrenal expert you also have adrenal fatigue and need to heal the adrenal fatigue first otherwise you can damage your thyroid. To find a good hormonal specialist ask friends and/or google “compounding pharmacy” with your city name then call them for a list of doctors or look on their websites some post doctors names. Within days of the right hormones, vitamins/minerals you will feel so much better and within a month you will start to feel great. My doctor gave me dr wilson’s adrenal vitamins 3 times a day (see his site) and progesterone pills (you may need this or some other hormonal replacement) it was shocking how much better I felt in days literally and within a month & a few months time.
2) look at sites like Dr wilson’s “adrenalfatigue.org” take his questionnaire, read, see his symptoms list
see drlam.com see his symptoms list/read
mialundin.com ****READ her book see her you tube videos
womentowomen.com read up on hormonal imbalance & adrenal fatigue
(you are also at the age where it is natural for hormones to get out of balance throw in the fact that you are connected to a crazy man and their is a very high chance you are suffering from this and once corrected you will move back to your old self)
3) go to your local abuse center for free counseling & women group meetings….(plus also a outside counselor) what you need to do is open your mind up from your husbands brain washing this will help with that.
4) DO NOT GO TO COUNSELING WITH YOUR HUSBAND only go to individual counseling yourself…tell him he needs to go to a different individual counseling himself (my guess is he will not do this because he thinks nothing is wrong with him). It is well documented that if you go to counseling with a narc or sociopaths they WILL manipulated the counselor with lies and smear campaign that the counselor will think you are the problem…knowledgeable counselors tell victims never to go to marriage counseling for this reason! DO not tell him who your counselor is other wise he may call that counselor with lies. With this Imago therapy your husband can be further brain washing you and the therapist would be clueless to this fact.
5) Read up on “no contact rule narcisisist” and “low contact rule” and follow this to break the emotional bond your husband has over you. It’s like an addiction and you need to go cold turkey to break free of him. See also facebook page One moms battle and after narcissistic abuse to learn more. If you dont have a facebook page open a fake email then a fake facebook account so that you can talk freely with out family/friends/your husband seeing what you are chatting about on these support sites for victims of narcissistic abuse. Follow this rule!!
6) Read Steven Hassan’s book Freedom of Mind see his site freedomofmind.com he might be a good person for you to contact to open up your mind from your husbands brain washing and mind control.
7) read Donna’s books plus read everything in the top margin on Lovefraud & be sure to watch the videos at the top too…everyday…this will open your mind up.
8) Make yourself priority now not your marriage.
9) Know that you deserves sooo much more out of your life then you are settling for right now.
It’s Time to set yourself Free!!!
Google Dr Wilson’s adrenal fatigue symptoms to find this blog on symptoms of adrenal fatigue:
In order to get a true grasp on stress, you first must learn how to recognize it in yourself. The mind, body and judgment are affected by stress in many ways, and they’re all directly tied to the physiological changes of the fight-or-flight response. There are no set signs and symptoms of stress, as these vary widely from person to person. Some experience primarily physical symptoms, like lower back pain, stomach problems and outbreaks on the skin. In others, the stress pattern centers around emotional symptoms, such as crying spells or hypersensitivity. For others, the changes mostly affect their behavior or thought processes. Below are some of the more common signs and symptoms of stress, broken down by category.
Cognitive Symptoms
Forgetfulness
Poor short-term memory
Difficulty focusing
Indecisiveness
Difficulty concentrating
Trouble thinking clearly
Poor behavior/being unlike one’s self
Focusing on the negative
Racing or anxious thoughts
Emotional Symptoms
• Constant worrying
• Fearful anticipation
• Agitation and moodiness
• Restlessness
• Short temper
• Irritability, impatience
• Inability to relax
• Feeling tense and “on edge”
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Sense of loneliness and isolation
Behavioral Symptoms
• Decrease in sex drive/libido
• Eating less or more then usual
• Habitual craving for salty or sweet foods
• Sleeping too much or too little
• Neglecting responsibilities
• Avoiding contact with others
• Using alcohol, tobacco, or drugs to unwind
• Nervous habits (e.g. pacing or nail biting)
• “Overdoing it” (e.g. exercising, working)
• Using caffeine to stay going
• Becoming argumentative or combative
• Overreacting to unexpected problems
Physical / Physiological Symptoms
• Chronic fatigue
• Tense pain in head and/or back
• Stiffness and tension in muscles
• Constipation or diarrhea
• Nausea, dizziness
• Difficulty sleeping/insomnia
• Increased heart rate/chest pain
• Increase or decrease in blood pressure
• Loss or gain in weight
• High or low blood sugar
• Skin conditions (e.g. eczema, hives)
• Frequent or prolonged colds
I can testify that correcting deficiencies and imbalances in nutrients, neurotransmitters and hormones makes a BIG difference!
I think GABA is a huge need for me.
I lay in my bed this a.m. and I’ve been very upset and sad for a few days now. I lay there and it was like I knew I was sad but I was calm and *OK*. I was aware of it but it was dulled somehow. Thats the only way to describe it.
I am thanking God for the adrenal formula ive been taking and the new formula with the GABA and theanine, etc.
I am still able to RELAX and that makes a huge difference. I am not frenetically walking daily. I am not QUITE so restless. I SAT last nite under a tree while it drizzled. I was still and just very sad.
I can just feel the emotions now and not get crazed by them. Maybe I can even process shyt now instead of just being tormented by the emotions. Get some relief.
I have other things I know I need done, like hormonal things. I havent the money to pursue it. If you have any sort of valid income DO IT. See a functional medicine doctor or informed ND. Get the testing, it’s worth it. It takes a long, long time to recover your body—6 mos to TWO YEARS if you’ve really wrecked ur body. Dont beat urself up tho, its not ur fault. Just go on. You will most likely feel better in a few WEEKS. It just can take alot longer to fully recover.
10Sne1 – I second the stay out of couples counseling. If you were at the women’s counseling center I work with there is NO way you would be advised to participate in couple’s therapy. In my 20 years with the center, I’ve only seen a handful of couples doing couples therapy. That came after both parties doing serious work in individual and group therapy with multiple evaluations by the therapists before couples therapy is considered and at that – the couples therapy is done with both of the participant’s individual counselors participating. Also, when in couple’s counseling, both parties continued with individual counseling. There were plenty of checks and balances in place before it was attempted. The focus being in maintaining a safe and therapeutic environment for both.
Just saying.
So Sorry to Hear About It
My story appears to be a bit different. And I would not have gotten involved with a sociopath were it not my extremely dysfunctional family of origin. Mother was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She went into my high school once, like a bat out of Hell, to ‘go after’ the person responsible for student affairs (a man). When I saw her coming through a hallway window (Thank God in time), I fled the building. People thought I had just gotten violently sick or saw a ghost. I saw a ghost all right.
Mom was livid because my sister’s submission for the yearbook cover was only second place and another student’s was chosen. My sister was a great artist and did amazingly well, but students chose the other submission.
I will never know what Mom said to the poor man that day, but I heard from students later, “We heard about your mother…God…she’s tough.”
Mr. Lekas, the man attacked, did not see me after graduation until 2001. He approached me in a store and said, “Barbara…I think I figured out why you were so timid and quiet throughout school. I met your mother.”
Hi Barb, I am also the daughter of a narcissist. One who was so narcissistic she made the sociopath look good by comparison. Lucky me, my mother was also a substitute teacher at my school and I often found myself in class with her. I had one young man, whom I had a crush on for years, tell me that he was too afraid of my mother to ever ask me out.
Little wonder I married the first guy who stood up to her. Unfortunately for me, I married and eventually divorced the much more evil version of my mother. He built on the damage my mother had already instilled in me.
The fun came in dealing with my mother’s funeral. So many people told me how wonderful a person my mother was and how many wonderful things she told them about me? All of which was news to me. If my mother had said even a small percentage of the things I was told at her funeral to my face I might have spent less time in therapy.
Disordered people do the damage and we end up picking up the pieces of ourselves to survive.
10Sne1,
I have read many times, in different places, that therapy with a personality disordered is NOT RECOMMENDED. It is extremely rare for the non-disordered partner to gain any benefit, and generally results in more trauma and invalidation.
Many therapists are simply ill-equipped (just like the rest of us) to identify that they are being lied to and manipulated. Just because they have a degree, training, and an office doesn’t mean they can ‘spot’ PD’s. They are also vulnerable.
My therapist friend, who knows A LOT about psychopathy, etc…ended up dating a personality disordered man and losing her house and lots of $. Not to mention her sanity. This was someone who helped me, when I was involved with a psychopath. She identified him by my descriptions.
The point is that the disordered individual will do ANYTHING they feel they can safely get away with to WIN. Destroying their partners happiness is the least of their worries. Lying is a daily activity. Therapy is a joke to them, and only another tool they can use to deceive people and cause pain and heartbreak.
If you are certain your ex is disordered then follow Donna’s advice. Stop with any therapy, and any contact that is not absolutely needed. Go through an attorney if you are able.
I doubt any of these therapists is trying to harm you….but they will because they cannot recognize they are being used to harm you. Just stop going. You do not owe anyone an explanation. You can be in charge of your own life…though I know after 30 years of being caught up in his web of betrayals and manipulations you may feel at a loss as to how to make your own decisions. But you can.
I am glad you found your way to Lovefraud. This place is a LIFE saver.
Slim
10Sne1,
Just one more thing. I also thought I had BPD. My therapist (who I never went to with the disordered partner) said I was ABSOLUTELY not BPD, but had severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which can look a lot like BPD. Especially if a person has been involved with someone toxic for a long period of time.
Donna,
In speaking to our own healing, of the many benefits of this site is the ability to individually manage our healing. When I started, I thought that recovery would be a straight arrow leading me to that blessed day that I could say, “I’m done now.” It hasn’t happened that way.
While recovery has been an onward and upward kind of thing, it has also been a spiraling circular experience. There are periods of time where I am actively working towards recovery followed by periods of calm reflection. As time has continued the times of active work are smaller and the times of calm have increased giving way to just living life as it comes.
The beauty of this site is the ability to “check in” when I’m feeling that feeling I cannot describe but always leads me to this site. I read what others are talking about and experiencing. Sometimes I am caught evaluating my recovery with some perspective of having been there and done that where other times I am back in my process.
What I love is that wherever I am, from one comment to the next, they all help me move forward. I hope others are finding their way to move forward in their experiences here.
Bets – I am so happy that Lovefraud is helping you in this way. I’m glad you – and everyone else – are moving forward.
Bets
I am 9 months out of a 30 yr involvement with a sociopath. All i can say is i could be writing what you’ve written. i always thought just get out of this and everything will be fine. Wow!! was i in for surprise. My drinking got 10x worse…I could not motivate myself to do anything. I would spend all the time i could just drinking and sitting in a chair wondering what the hell happened. I was beginning to think maybe my husband was right, i was crazy and couldnt do anything on my own. Then through some very good advice, I contacted a Behavior Health Therapist. She has saved my life. She knew where i was coming from. And what i’d been through. i’ve been seeing her weekly for 7 months now. I am going to make it! At least an hour a day I will sit outside in my rocking chair and just sit. It is so great to not have the anxiety that used to be there all the time. And when it does creep up, which can be often, i just think “he’s not here, and he wont be here. Relax, he cant hurt me anymore.” Prayers for you, Bets.
I absolutely agree that it is important to talk about experiences with sociopaths in order to expand the awareness in the public about such people. In our society, there is a presumption that sociopath is reserved for the Jeffrey Dahmers of the world. So when you tell someone that you were in a relationship with one, they think there is no way you were with a Dahmer-like person. The stories you tell them won’t reconcile with their thoughts of sociopath. The stories we tell will help overcome this.
These stories are so similar I have to ask myself why did it take me so long to find this site. I have three confirmed sociopaths in my family. There is a genetic component so this occurs more than we know. They gaslighted me for 20 years. I was being treated for depression when the diagnosis should have been PTSD because I was being terrorized. They manipulated my doctors by telling them misleading things. I actually believed I was the crazy one.
Psychiatrists rely on family members too much. They assume the family has genuine concern for the patient. In my case I gave up and stopped trusting the doctors. Someone was watching over me because I found a new doctor after the old one died. The new guy took three years to diagnosis. He took the time to know each family member..he figured out the twisted perverse family dynamic.
Psychiatrists are taught about anti social personality disorder but are not taught how sociopaths differ from psychopaths. Both kill, sociopaths just drive you to kill yourself. Bernie Madoff is responsible for many suicides including his own son yet they are never tried for those crimes.
I always say to any naysayers, Ignorance is bliss. And look at them knowingly. Almost patting their heads:
becuz theyre acting like such smug idiots!
They get it. They really do.
MAYBE *they* dont know EVERY frikkin thing.
What a concept.
I dont explain myself. I simply let them know on a deep level, they should be very thankful they can’t understand.
icanescape,
When you said ” Both kill, sociopaths just drive you to kill yourself.”,you said a mouthful!!!
Just this morning I was talking with a friend about my husband,whom I’ve had no contact with for a year and 7 monthes.In a few days we’ll both be attending a huge event,and traveling on the same bus.She was calming me down.I found out that he’ll be on the bus because he calls my dad several times daily hoping to get information about me.My dad won’t give him any;but will use any tidbit he can to forewarn me so that I have time to prepare…no surprises!
Is it necessary to keep talking about our experiences with sociopaths?! YES! Not only does it educate others,but it serves as a reminder to us of what we’ve been through!The mind has a funny way of ‘deleting bad memories’ and remembering so-called better times…which can be a bad thing when around a sociopath!!!
Confession! I’m ashamed but need to get this off my chest. I did 6 months no contact with my sociopath ex (separated husband). After an accidental meeting in a shop he keeps texting me. I know for a fact he has multiple partners. He persuaded me to let him come round to my house for a ‘visit’ but he got me drunk and he stayed the night etc.!!! I am so ashamed of myself. I was ill the day after and (being a sociopath) he didn’t care. Just went home. Texted me 2 days later. It’s hard to explain how I have such difficulty keeping him away. He is so persuasive and persistent. I find I have to make excuses and lie to him to delay the next visit. He knows I’m being checked at the doctors for high blood pressure so I could tell him I won’t be drinking alcohol because of that – if I dare. I hope he doesn’t come round anyway, drink himself and expect to stay the night. I just find it so difficult to refuse him as I give in to his sweet talk. I hate the man for being what he is. I feel like he’s laughing at me because he knows he sleeps with others too. It seems like he values the amount of bedfellows rather than looking for one to settle with. But then, if he did, he wouldn’t be a sociopath would he? Ashamed and angry at myself.
Kathleen, you fell off the wagon because you are human. Please forgive yourself. You can still turn this around and even turn it into something positive – a life lesson about no-contact. It is not just a suggestion. It is essential to your survival. So set the clock back again, and this time, don’t give in to the addiction. He is not in control of your life – you are. You can beat this addiction.
I don’t know your situation, but if there is any way possible, you may want to consider changing your number and even moving out of town, so you don’t tempt fate. And now you have to wait a little while and get yourself tested for STD’s. Ugh – they are such miserable creatures. You deserve so much better than this.
Anyway, no one here will judge you – we’ve all been there.
Thanks Stargazer. Yes, I must try harder. Back to the drawing board, square one. I’m thinking gray rock method now. Even that is difficult as he is such an ‘angel’ and sweet talks everyone into believing he’s nice. I know I don’t love him now especially as he’s fake. He abused me, got me emotionally dependent on him to get my life savings and cheated and lied so many times. He knows I’m the opposite to him – hope it doesn’t sound immodest – I’m generous to a fault, fall for sob stories and try to see good in people. I know what he did to me. I will have to get tested again and feel guilty even though I have only been with him in the last 8 years and nobody else. I feel like I’m being judged. He’s good at shifting the blame so I can’t confront him – on anything. He used to have a saying about his ‘cruel’ ex’s ‘what you do, I do it better.’ Now I know what he meant – if you dare to challenge him, beware the consequences. Thanks Stargazer – gray rock – I will do my best!
Yes, please go get yourself tested. I decided to after I found out about my Narc and guess what, the bastard gave me Herpes, that I KNOW I didn’t have prior to him. That messed me up even more and now I feel nasty. I’m like this is another thing to deal with just wondering when I meet someone again would he be strong enough to love me for me and deal with my issue. This is a hard blow for me.
I just got tested yesterday and I was so angry when I entered the office. It put me steps back in trying to move on because all I could think about is that Im still having to spend money and worry about my health over this jerk. My ex spath kept giving me BV and had no remorse in watching me suffer back and forth with antibiotics. I just got over BV again when I found out he had a fiance.
I got a std test in the winter and it was negative so I am praying my results come back negative again this week. But I know that I will have to go again in 6 months. He was so gross, and spaths that see several women are just nasty.
Now Im also waiting to get my period, it was supposed to come today and hasn’t yet. Im just thinking all the stress of the past two weeks may make it late. I don’t know what I will do if Im pregnant. I know I would have the baby but I will not let him know, he would be to destructive to a child and not worth it that I would rather do it all myself.
I feel like I can’t even have some physical peace right now, he is still making my life a hassle even after I left him in subliminal ways
You will be able to cope no matter what the results. I know you can do this! It’s terrible of him to do this to you but you can overcome whatever it is.
Just get thru each day right now. Nothing is critical right now but staying away and getting your head on straight and your heart untangled.
Your period will come. It is highly likely the stress is affecting your hormones. Drinking, smoking and other drugs are not good no matter what, so dont do it if you can possibly not do it.
Keep writing on here and reading. This will save your sanity 🙂
Southerngirl do not feel nasty, HSVII is very common. I have had it since i was in my late 20s. A guy, who knew he had it mind you, gave it to me. This was someone i KNOW too. He’s never understood what a horrible thing that was to do. Even if it IS common it’s still my right to decide to proceed with the relationship.
Anyway, it’s manageable. It’s wrong of him to do it, but your emotional issues are going to be worse, i daresay, than coping with the herpes.
I have had several partners since then and never passed it to them. Nor to my kids (which i worried about with the older ones) even in utero or in labor. Life can be ok even with HSVII.
yes even after 6 months we, being normal human beings, still love. we have to be very strong and say NO. NO MATTER WHAT.
You are human dearheart. He is a monster. He is the horror, not you. You know you can’t believe his words or sweet actions. You want to tho. I get that. It’s not wrong to want to believe someone. you want to be loved.
he’s just never going to love you, he never did.
next time you will be stronger.
and the next time and the next time. it WILL get easier each time you say NO.
i am rooting for you to say no next time. ~hugs~
Kathleen, I think every victim of a sociopath has broken the no contact rule at least once…not because they contacted the sociopath but because the sociopath contacted them and manipulated the victim so that they broke the no contract rule!
Today starts day 1 of your no contact rule! (again 😉
On the facebook page After narcissistic abuse there is always a post saying “I broke the no contact rule and answered his phone call”. It happens. now you know that you must not let him contact you or if you see him in public RUN. If he comes to your home DONT answer the door really just dont answer the door. Block his phone number asap and change your email. That way you have control of the situation.
They screw with the victims mind the first second they meet them and form a addiction for the victims. He is your drug of choose at the moment so you have to go cold turkey again. Dont beat yourself up they are masters of manipulation and can suck anyone and everyone into their con game, you are just educated now so use all you have learned to fight evil mentally now.
When you feel weak and want to talk with him come here and vent on the first post you find, get it out (it really does help) you can always delete the post later if you want…also sites like lisascott.com the path forward & facebook after narcissist abuse are good sites to vent when your ex is hovering back around your new life.
if you google “no contact rule narcisiist’ there is a good article on narcissismfree.com discussing breaking the emotional bond…I am sure Donna has a good article on the subject too right here.
Ps the source of your high blood pressure is him! (check into adrenal fatigue as the root physical body issue for your high blood pressure) see adrenalfatigue.org, drlam.com, mialundin.com.