Most of us at Lovefraud are here because we’ve been conned, duped, deceived and betrayed by a sociopath. Once we finally figure out what we are dealing with, many of us do not tell other people what really happened. We do not talk about our experiences with sociopaths. After all, it’s embarrassing to admit that no, we didn’t see it coming, and yes, we fell for the scam. And if we do venture to describe the sociopath’s true behavior, we may be met by disbelief. “What? That charming person couldn’t possibly have done that. You must have misinterpreted.”
We quickly learn that people do not understand what we are talking about. Either they don’t believe us, or ostracize us. So we stop talking. We try to hide what happened, even from ourselves.
Not talking about our experiences with sociopaths has two effects:
- Our pain is bottled up within us, impeding our own recovery
- The world does not learn just how many social predators are living in our midst
Talking about it
After my appearance on ABC 20/20 back in 2014, I received an email from a Lovefraud reader who wrote:
I watched the show last night and somehow it unleashed several hidden emotions and feelings which I tried to bury regarding my situation. My healing has begun slowly month by month and I am now learning how not to be so hard on myself and be more cautious with my future relationships…
This reader experienced a release because someone else who was targeted told her story.
Katherine Underwood suffered tremendously at the hands of Budimir Drakulic, who took more than $410,000 from her. I know for a fact that it was very difficult for Katherine to do the TV show. Anyone who watched could see that she became emotional on several occasions.
Still, Katherine did it. And sharing her story likely helped thousands of other people.
When we talk about our experiences with sociopaths, when we stand up and say, “yes, this happened to me,” it helps other people who have been targeted realize that they are not alone. This can go a long way towards recovery.
Our own healing
Talking about our experiences with sociopaths also helps our own healing. When we share what happened, we are no longer carrying the burden of our pain all by ourselves.
A big reason why it’s often so difficult to recover from the devastation of the sociopath is that we feel so isolated, like no one really understands what we experienced.
Unfortunately, often our perception on this is correct. People do not understand what happened. That’s why a community like Lovefraud is so important everyone who reads and posts here does understand.
To know that someone truly empathizes with us is extremely validating. Especially when a sociopath has been calling us “crazy” and “mentally unbalanced,” validation can be truly helpful to our recovery.
Breaking the silence
When we discover that we’ve been duped by a sociopath, among the multitude of unpleasant emotions we feel are shame and embarrassment. Talking about what happened increases our shame and embarrassment, so we don’t do it.
Our silence, unfortunately, benefits the particular sociopath we were involved with, along with all the other sociopaths who prowl the planet. Because we don’t talk about our experiences with sociopaths, society doesn’t know they exist, and they continue to get away with their manipulation and deceit.
Yes, sociopaths are in our midst. Sometimes they look scary, but usually they don’t — they seem to be just like the rest of us, at least at first. They’re attentive and charming. They appear to be our best friend, or a pillar of the community.
Even a guy named Budimir Drakulic, the man who conned Katherine Underwood, was able to pass himself off as trustworthy.
Back in 1994, when Katherine met Drakulic, there was even less awareness of sociopaths than there is now. Today, if nothing else, all of us at Lovefraud at least know that they exist.
Spreading the word
Let’s spread the word.
Talking about our experiences with sociopaths can accomplish three things:
- Helping someone else recognize that they’re involved with a predator
- Helping our own recovery by sharing the burden of our experience
- Warning the rest of the world about the predators who live among us
We should educate ourselves about this personality disorder, and when the opportunity arises, talk about our experiences with sociopaths. It may not always be safe to talk about our personal situation. But we can share general information. We can send someone a link to Lovefraud.
Knowledge is power. The first step in protecting ourselves from sociopaths is knowing that they exist.
I agree that you have to talk about your experiences, I have tried though, to friends/colleagues, and like you guys might know, they look at you blankly, or think that you are making it up…I get: HOW do you KNOW he is a sociopath/narc? You are not a psychologist…or I think you guys were just not compatible…My mom was married to a sociopath/alcholic…I actually asked her the same question…Could you not see it coming? I mean really, how long were you together before you got married? She said 2 years, and no he was the “charming, romantic guy” as we all know. 30 yearrs down the line, I have a child with a Narc…and I feel the same way…HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS? History repeated itself…the only difference is, my dad beat my mom, so it was more physical than emotional…mine is ALL Emotional…What really hurts ist the fact that I try to talk to her, my sister, but it is like they get fed up….My mom has the “get-over-it” attitude (because she could walk away) and those years it was easier….not the laws are on the both parents side and I cant…I am stuck with a emotional manupilator who treats his daugther as a “trophee” and nothing more…he tries to impress his parent/colleagues and the new gf with the “doting dad” act….and sometimes I feel like SCREAMING…Why does nobody believe me…..so I talk, but I have stopped…I get sighs, rolling of eyes and the disbelief look…or the GET OVER IT attitude…and it hurts…Not sure what to do anymore!
Hi wondering77. That’s why we’re all on here! We’ve all suffered terrible traumas and even our families don’t understand. They even give excuses for the abuses – maybe he thought it was ok, maybe taking your money was only sharing to him – maybe that’s how they behave in Africa. You should have known straight away. Why did you marry him? Are you so stupid? He left almost 3 years ago and he still tries the abuse to keep control of me. But as soon as he left my brother and his wife behaved as though that was the end and I’m over it with nothing better to do than help them! So we have to come here for help.
Thank you Kathleen, you are right, I guess it is ONLY people who have experienced it that understands, TRULY understands…I have a best friend who keeps on telling me that she thinks I was “the one” for him….and the more I tell her, YEAH, maybe the BEST NARC SUPPLY…but not LOVE..she just does not GET IT! Nobody does!
They also want to know all about you if they haven’t seen you for a while. But they keep their own life secret. It’s the control they don’t want to lose. They are afraid of being exposed for what they are too. But, yes, they do want their supply – money, food, sex, shelter. They’re fakes and promiscuous, lying parasites.
You know Kathleen, you are so right, could not have put it any better…FAKE, PROMISCUOUS, LYING PARASITES…he hooked me sexually (off course) and at the beginning of his new relationship, told met they were just friends, and they are not sleeping together…In a sense I believed him, because this poor new gf was left at the altar 3 weeks before her wedding and apparently went through a nervous breakdown…so what happened? We kept on sleeping together…I realized I did it for 2 reasons…but reason nr one was for him to come see his child…but it was not for HER he was there, but for me (the sex) sad but true…that was the way of me making sure he sees her….I realize that if I stop sleeping with him, I wonder if he will still come in the week on the odd day to come see her…(I THINK NOT!!) This is all so sad, and it hurts me…she is such a beautiful, wonderful little girl, who he clearly feels nothing for but a fake pretence for his parents, colleagues and new gf….Not sure what to do…he was very clever…kept me hooked, (so I dont move on and meet someone new) and getting his satisfaction, AND “seeing his daughter” so this all looks SO GOOD… Yeah, ashamed to say, but obviously I enjoyed it too…but 60% of the time I did not want to sleep with him anymore…I did it out of playing his sick mind games back…knowing that I have him LITERALLY by the balls whenever a court case, threats or custody battles had to come up…so that was reason nr 2…Sometimes if you cant beat them, you have to join them…to the detriment of me, my emotional health and sanity I know…but I must say, I am stronger…and ready to start dating…the problem is just, do I attract another spath/narc? I will die!! I think that is what happened to this new gf…she attracted him 3 months after her wedding was cancelled…so what to day hey? I have difficulty in trusting myself/my gut when it comes to love and relationships now..
Dear wandering
Try to find those friends that will listen and not make you feel crazy, even if it is just one. Sometimes mothers, who are older than us, grew up with that attitude of just get over it. When I lost my daughter at 8 months, that wasn’t explicitly said, but I got a lot of, “everything happens for a reason”. I just wanted someone to listen and not tell me that loosing my baby happened for a reason. Some people, as I learn in my support group for grieving parents, just don’t know what to appropriately say when things like this happen. Its best to just not divulge your constant battle in moving on to these people who judge you. Even if you don’t have a friend in person there, you have us, we won’t judge you.
After I told some people about what happen with my spath I got a lot of “just try to not think about it”. I wanted to explode. I have two friends I can rely on heavily and I just stick to those people, they will listen even if it is months from now. Even friends not asking how you are moving on and how it is going can suck. They forget so quickly that you need support from everyone. Some people just have that mentality to move on quicker or they fake it, but not everyone is wired that way.
Also I find journaling a great release, you are getting out your anger and frustrations and no one is responding to you or judging you. Hope this helps and stay strong!
Hi Downwitfakerastas, I have one friend at work who I speak to, sometimes it helps, but other times I think she thinks I over-exagerate..she will say: He is just a “weird guy”…lol! Yeah, WEIRD does not begin to describe it…I am TRULY sorry for your loss…I have a 1.5 year old daughter and I could not begin to imagine the pain you must have experienced in losing your daughter at such a young age. I am not sure what happened, not sure if you said in previous posts, but my heart goes out to you! I agree, “things happen for a reason” is true in SOME regards, but losing a baby…not sure how you can compare that saying to that…that is just in-sensitive! Yeah, it is true, some people can move on quicker, I am unfortunatley one of those who analyse everyting, trying to suss it all out, speak about it, and read up on about it…reading helped A LOT! The best book I have bought is Psychopath Free by Peace. It is thin book, easy to read, and when I read it it was like I was reading about my own life and experiences. It is soooo helpful!
The last job I had, which happened to be a state position, was the fateful and ‘finalization’ of all of my job experiences. Imagine, case managers who are trained to detect and help the vulnerable and incoherent, were aware of my condition. True, my skills were not applicable to the situation and I failed the most important part of this job.
People saw me (and told me) that I was ‘broken’ and had a ‘miserable’ life. They knew just by looking at me.
One reason, I think, is that the entire weight of my disastrous condition had culminated in a ‘final twist of fate’. Too bad I took the position; I was inept and developed a case of Tourette’s Syndrome. Anything and everything came out of me…some funny and other things downright outrageous.
If I quit, as they wanted me to, where would I go? No job…no benefits. Quite possibly starvation…my spouse’s income would only last so long. And here it is. I have remained unemployed. Unemployed due to horrific conditions in the family of origin; to the outside world we looked ‘great’ (at least my siblings did), but my entire generational gathering scapegoated me for all the prior and existing ills that they perceived. Treated me as less than human (the family dog got more attention). Walked all over me. Bullied me psychologically and emotionally. And it just kept coming. My voice was drowned out, my feelings disregarded. In the middle of three brothers, who just saw me as another ‘hockey puck’ that they could slam around whenever they felt like it. They lived, ate, breathed hockey.
My entire set of ‘paper dolls’ (popular back then) of Haley Mills was ripped to shreds. No one defended me, in fact, my mother was the perpetrator. She was haughty and conniving. Her mother (the grandmother from Hell) was manipulative and over-sexed. Yes…I had an over-sexed grandmother who said inappropriate things, both in private and within earshot of everyone around. My parents did not see anything wrong with her harassment and daily attacks. The very life in our home was sucked away by this one person who should have been with people her own age, going on bus trips or at least mingling with other senior citizens.
My parents were ‘wusses’ who could not set boundaries. We were in junior and senior high school, for God’s sake! We needed the attention of our parents, but my grandmother got it all! She could do no wrong. Other people…my brothers girlfriends, wives, even the cleaning woman saw through the situation and it was not long before these women stopped seeing my brothers. One brother has been married four times and is working on a fifth. Another brother was divorced twice. All it would have taken was a ‘sit-down and explain’ to our grandmother that we needed space…my mother could have/should have told her nicely that her children needed her (I was failing four subjects in 7th grade…no dates, no parties, no anything), but they put it all aside for this sick woman. If Mom had only said to her mother, “Mom, it is always great to see you (NOT), but my kids need my attention. They are struggling. If you could stay home for one day a week,that would free me up to try to help them.” That never happened.
Probably because I was the one who clearly needed help, much more than the others, so if I was the ‘culprit’ to begin with than why should they help? That is how crazy people can get. We see it in politics all the time. Someone has to take the blame…which also gives that someone a LOT of power. Gee…I was responsible for the sick mess, even for the generations past (people I never met and never would meet…I took the blame for their failings and illness).
I only visited my parents’ grave once and it was horrendous. I immediately felt an ‘anti-magnetic push’, like I could not approach the grave site at all. I remember feeling like I would topple over…their very condemnation surrounded me and made me overwhelmed, guilty, and ashamed. The shame was like a thick fog surrounding me.
The narcissism of my grandmother and parents had reached a toxic level so high that breathing the air (sick air) was like being buried alive.
I went on to marry a man who is like my mother, a narcissist, and they say that this happens. Oh, goodie…we get to live like we did as children and young adults. All over again.
I was married for 11 years and my ex closed out our bank account, made my life miserable around the house by verbally, emotionally, and financially abusing me. I finally left 2 years ago. At first I was doing fine not speaking to him and moving on with my life. Once he saw this, he would lure me back in with a few crumbs of affection (sleeping with me), and then would start an argument and blame it on me. He said I crave chaos and that I am crazy. For 2 years he has been jerking me around (because he knows I fall for it) he sleeps with me and then turns into a monster again. He gives me the silent treatment, and tells me to stay away if I don’t like it. In March, I picked up our son from his house and found out from a card on signed your wife XXXX. He didn’t even tell his children that he got married. Meanwhile, he was sleeping with me the whole time. When I asked him if he was married he said, “who says I’m married?” He was actually going to lie again. Again, I fell for his lies and went to pick up my son and his wife showed up (after he said he’s divorcing her) and he told me to leave and that he’s getting a restraining order. I was treated like I was trespassing, even though he had been pursuing me. My family is angry with me and said they don’t understand why I can’t just stay away. I don’t understand it either. I want him to admit that what he did was wrong. I want to tell his wife what he’s been doing, but then he threatens me with a restraining order and that he is going to ruin my career. He has even gone as far as threatening rape charges (which is absolutely absurd) this is the most awful lie he can come up with. I can’t stop thinking about how wrong this was and that I don’t understand how anyone can treat someone this way. I keep trying to get an explanation from him, but he refuses. Why can’t I just make a clean break? My son is even starting to speak to me the way his dad does. This isn’t good for my son to see, and it’s affecting my health and job.
Tforgeo….wow your post really breaks my heart I can hear your pain in your words 🙁
We have all been manipulated by these evil guys…your husband and all the rest of these type people are con artist…your ex is very masterful at manipulating you, using projection, blame shift, pathological lying, gas lighting you. brain washing, mind controlling you on and on. He is very text book with his mind games.
Know that he is the one that “craves chaos” and he is also the one who is “crazy” not you. He is projecting these on to you to push you over your emotional limit and also using gas lighting abuse to change your perspective.
I highly recommend that you educate yourself on all the tricks these guys do until you feel like you have earned a phd…this is when you will be able to not get sucked into his con game. Donna’s site is a encyclopedia worth of info start with her videos posted at the top red/grey margin then read everything in this section of the site over and over and over again plus her bookds. Sites like psychopathyawareness.wordpress also has good info. Google “gas lighting abuse” for info on this.
First you have to learn about “no contact rule narcissiist” and “low contact narcisiist” (second one with with kids) but most importantly follow it. NEVER talk with him on the phone from this day forward, no texting only emails about your child unless it’s a true emergency. Keep the emails short and to the point save all the emails maybe even open a new email acct just to deal with him/your children’s issues ie “I will meet you at Starbucks at 2 pm for you to pick up your children”. NEVER answer any ranting emails from him, never put your emotions into your return email to him and never answer any email right way this way again you can keep all emotions out of the emails.
Do this for two reasons 1) to keep you emotionally disconnected from him = so he cant suck you into his game 2) for court reasons meaning if you ever have to go back to court with him then you have proof of all of your contact and you also look like you can be trusted. If your kids are old enough to run out to the car when he comes to pick them up then do that but if they are still young then always meet him in a public place to exchange the kids…if you go to his home to pick up the kids do not get out of the car or roll down your window to chat with him…only email him. Start setting strong boundaries…you can google ’setting boundaries” and also check out books at the library on how to do this too. No contact rule is a necessity when dealing with these sociopath.
Know that He is very afraid that you are going to tell his wife that is why he is threatening you. This is why he is threatening you with a restraining order. Stay away from him because he may just go to court and lie about everything to get this enforced. Keep a journal of all contact with him when dropping off the kids…best to bring a friend/family member as a witness. NEVER ever trust a sociopath!!!
You are NEVER going to get him to admit to wrong doing ever…the best closure for you is knowing that he is a disordered man that is your closure. He has ZERO conscience unlike you. This is why he feels nothing when he hurts others.
As for telling his new wife…I am all for honesty but when dealing with a narcissist or sociopath narc you must really weight the loss…just know he has planted seeds of doubt in her mind about you from day one…..meaning he has most likely stated something to her like “you cant trust anything my ex says” etc this is called a smear campaign google “smear campaign narcisisist” & “smear campaign sociopath”. I think the best thing for now would be to wait for her to come to you…if she does tell her what transpired and that you are sorry for hurting her but you did not know about her until such and such time then you stopped sleeping with him. But this is up to you, you know the situation best and should go with your gut on this one.
Sociopaths and narcissist manipulate their victims from day one to form an addiction with the victims much like drug/alcohol addictions…so this is why you are still no contact/low contact with him…this is why you need to use the “no contact rule” & “low contact rule” to break this emotional bond addiction. Just like a drug or alcohol addiction you need to stop the source of the addiction…in your case that is your ex you need to go cold turkey. On narcissisticfree.com there is a good explanation of why you need to go no contact plus Donna has info on this site too.
You might want to chat with Donna on the phone I know she has a service where you can chat with her for a small fee….it might help you to see things a little more clearly.
When I look back at how I participated in my ex h’s crazy behavior meaning just going along with it to have peace & calmness at home…I think of this saying: Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein
Everday I beleived my ex h’s lying words..I expected him to follow through on his words.
Albert Einstein’s statement reminds us not to get suck in a pattern of thinking and hope that things will change for you, you are hoping your ex is going to become honest, kind, a good man..this is never going to happen….this is why we MUST be the ones to make the change to stop the negative patten…in your case the cycle of abuse. He is still emotionally, mentally,& verbally abusing you the only difference is he is married to a new victims while string you along still as the other women. He may have many other women on the side too.
Know that You deserve so much better then what you are getting by having this extremely manipulative man still in your life.
Wishing you all the best!
Thank you for your advice and all of the resources. It helps to know that I am not alone.
tforgeo, I remember feeling so alone in my marriage and once I left and found support sights online it felt good to know that I was not alone like you. Take what works for you in my post…I just post all that helped me in my healing journey for you/others to decide what is best for your situation.
You are going to be ok when you finally detach from him. It’s hard at first but when you do you will find that life is much easier without him and very calm, peaceful & normal.
Keep coming here to vent especially when you want to talk with him or meet him.. it really does help and we all get what you are going through.
I want you to know that we hear you….Take care 🙂
tforgeo – I have a question for you. If your husband answers all of your questions… will it change anything for you? Is there anything he can possibly say that will erase the pain you feel? I understand the need for answers. The problem is you are dealing with a sociopath to who lacks a moral compass. Lacking shame, remorse, morals, etc… he can tell you what you want to hear or tell you something else entirely like “I did it because the sky was blue that day.” It won’t matter to him. He isn’t driven by the emotions and feelings that you have. He is driven by a disorder.
Fact is… no matter what his answers might be they will not change what has happened to you. You need to concentrate on YOU not him. I know it’s hard. I’ve been there and done that as many of us have been or are working towards. You cannot fix him. He is broken and cannot be fixed. There is no introspection for him to do. He will lie and not care about it. He does what he does and he’s been doing it all of his life. He loves drama. It excites him. He is a skilled manipulator – that is all you need to know. His current wife is drinking his Kool-aid. She cannot be fixed either at least not until she is ready and until she is ready contacting her is pointless.
You want to understand why he treats you this way? The simple answer is because he can.To him you are a toy to be played with on his terms. The question for you is; Are you ready to stop being toyed with? Are you ready to claim your life?
I can tell you that setting strong boundaries and keeping them is the hardest and eventually best thing you can do. If it helps, think of him as something you need to give up for Lent. Give up as much contact as you possibly can. Stick to it. Start with a goal of 40 days and add to it as you become better and better at it. Keep in mind that he will do anything to keep the drama going. You will have to do all you can to not participate.
You don’t have to answer his phone calls. He can talk to a machine. You can take your time to decide if you need to respond at all – stick to business. You don’t have to let him into your house. Your house is yours! You have a right to be safe in it.
Think of this as a business relationship when you are managing the children… it’s as a business deal. Keep it professional. Stay out of drama. Sticking to email communication makes it easier to edit. Write down what you want to say and then edit down to the bare bones of the business at hand which is managing the children. You don’t have to respond to anything immediately. Take your time. Think about all communications before you hit send – are there any unnecessary words or comments or is it just about the business at hand?
I feel for you!!! I’ve been where you are. I understand. If Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus… he’s from Uranus! I know it’s hard. It will probably get worse before it gets better. Eventually, it will get better.
Thank you so much for your support! It makes so much sense when you say these things. I feel strong during some parts of the day, but then I start panicking and end up texting him of calling him, which always makes me feel worse. It’s good to know that other people have survived and are at peace now.
I agree with you Bets. I really want to follow the advice too. Mine cut contact with me and I was so relieved. Then he contacted me again and blamed me (blame shifting). Then he arranged to meet me after a few months and didn’t show up so I cut contact for 6 months and it was wonderful getting on with life. Then after 6 months he spotted me and it all started again. He pressures me into sex (sexual abuse?) by saying he wants to come round to have a drink with me. I’m too afraid to say no. He tells people whenever he has new ‘friends’ (his word for his many sex partners) I don’t know I get jealous and stop speaking to him. Not true. He thinks I love him and I’m jealous. I wish I could stand up to him and tell him I don’t love him (fake) and to stay away from me. It’s true – setting strong boundaries is really difficult. I think subconsciously I’m thinking of his slander and belief that if I cut contact again I’ll be viewed as jealous through my wanting him back, but it’s not true. I know he’ll want to come round again. I make excuses for a while until I can’t make any more and have to let him come round.
Uranus!!!! I love it!
Rofl
Perfect 🙂
The spath is the same way; instead of denial…who says that?? He wasn’t even diverting. He wanted to squash whomever wud dare foul up his facade. Used to hurt me that he didn’t even recognize the accusation but only wud be wanting to kill. My feelings were of no consequence. If pressed he’d offhandedly he’d say no, it’s not true, duh. And go on raising hell till he found out who was slandering him. Yeah rite.
Asshole.
How about being blamed for everything that happens in your marriage simply because you are a man! Men are constantly accused of being violent because at some point they punch a wall or knocked something off a counter. However NOBODY is considering that they may be living with someone that has no BORDERS and continues to provoke, lie and manipulate everyone in the household! And because that person is a WOMAN, they are presumed to be abused by their current husband!
This is especially important today when people are getting married later in life. Both may have had several relationships and may have been married before. Men with HERO complex may make excuses for a woman’s behavior because she claims to have been abused by prior relationships. After a while though, he finds she is the emotional abuser. His pleas for help fall on deaf ears simply because he is a man and he MUST be doing something to cause her behavior. Well, everyone woman does not have a right to act out simply because she believes she was scorned in some way.
If the man actually does everything society tells him, be cooperative, sensitive, forgiving, change your expectations and more, he ends up as a doormat. These women then trample him and use every single opportunity to push him down even more.
Then the guy goes to divorce court as a warn out broken man, diagnosed with anxiety and depression disorders and the courts slam him to the ground even more taking away everything and giving it to this psychopath woman who has done nothing but cheat, lie and manipulate her entire life! Then they wonder why the guy is suicidal or commits suicide. Gee… go figure!
We know it works both ways. There just happens to be a high proportion of female sufferers on here. It feels the same for me when I see comments about divorce – she’ll take him to the cleaners etc. But the actual truth is I met my (separated) husband, I paid from the first date, the marriage, bills, food, cars, his clothes, everything. As soon as my lifesavings were spent he found another meal ticket. He’s cheated and lied the whole time. People feel sorry for him because he is a sociopath and shifts the blame to the innocent party. So when I read about women getting a good deal after a divorce it’s the same thing. We’re both reduced to welfare but he wants alimony from me. See – it works both ways. He is also abusive and violent and has given me 2 STDs. I am afraid of him. I’m sure there are many men in that position and I sympathise and know how bad it feels. That’s what we’re all here for. Good luck.
I think their is a high percentage of spoiled rotten, lying women who are given freedom to behave anyway they want. And then when something happens, they blame their husbands. They take no responsibility for their actions and society does not hold women accountable, period. My wife sings the poor me song claiming she was abused by all her boyfriends.
So either she has bad taste in men and gets screwed or good taste in men and abuses them. There seems to be a twisted perspective that all women are abused by men.
This is all because of woman’s lib! Women want equal rights, but not equal responsibility for their actions. Then when they are lying, manipulating, disrespectful, contemptuous bitches, all they have to do is very easily sabotage their husband by getting him to throw keys across the room (someone told me they were arrested for this). Then the guy gets labelled as an violent person.
I was a happy, proactive, optimist working on my career and practicing martial arts. I gave and gave and gave until I wasn’t even the person I thought I was. Then our society comes in and puts the final nail in the coffin. I say to hell with this world, this country and all this shit. It’s meaningless, pointless crap. I never see my son anymore, I’ve been completely destroyed by this women. You can call me week or bad, it just doesn’t matter any more.
jmmira – you aren’t alone. You see more pronouns for males because women tend to be more willing to report domestic violence. It’s hard to get representative numbers of male abuse victims due to the shaming that often happens to males who are abused. Their maleness is questioned in their inability to deal with some little ole gal.
There are many men who fall victim to female sociopaths. Most men are trained from a very young age that it is never OK to hit a woman. What is interesting is that the men who take that to heart become easier prey for violent women. We have a dear friend who has been dealing with just such an issue. He married a woman who “needed him”. She turned out to be a sociopath who simply needed someone to manipulate. We thought there might be problems in their marriage, but had no clue as to the depths of dysfunction he had become mired in until he started talking after they separated. It doesn’t help that the she pronoun in his case happens to be a family member of ours. As it happens, she manipulated all of us.
When you read these stories just adjust the pronouns. It all applies. Women can be as violent as men. Women are capable of inflicting crippling injuries as easily as men can. The destruction and manipulation of sociopaths knows no boundaries including using programs that benefit women affected by domestic violence as a tool to discredit an actual victim of her violence. It isn’t right or fair, but it does happen. For professionals dealing with these issues, it takes time to sort out who’s who. It eventually comes to the surface.
You aren’t alone. You have been manipulated by someone who was supposed to be a loving partner, not an adversary. Take care of you. Please don’t give up. Life does get better.
My divorce was final on June 9th. I am still trying to process the train that came down the tracks and wacked me up the side of the head. Most days I think I’m ok, but then here comes the train today and my mind starts up.
I found out my 53 year old ex has been taking up with a 30 year old. In fact last week they were leaving a restaurant together as I was walking in! Actually, I believe this happened for a reason, so I had some validation that I actually was not going crazy.
Today I just seem so full of anger. I want to call up all of his friends and family and let them know who my ex really is. I want to tell them all the lies he told me. I want to tell them about all of the deceit. I want to tell them that I thought I was the crazy person because he kept insisting I was. I want to tell off his disrespectful adult daughter that her daddy is dating somebody her age.
I know I won’t do any of the above things but I sure want to. Most people are puzzeled by our divorce and I have kept my circle very tight of whom I’ve confided, but it really hurts to see him move on with a new young girlfriend while I’m left to pick up the pieces.
Thanks for letting me vent……
Platinum,
Congratulations on your Independence Day (June 9)!!!
For me I felt like a semi truck hit me everyday in my marriage so I get your train analogy..and each day I would get up dazed and confused at what happened the day before only to be hit by another semi truck…
It’s natural to be angry and normal. You were abused by this man who now just goes on his merry way to victimize another person. Know this…He will not be kind or loving to his latest victims she too will someday escape his hell, hopefully sooner then later. I am at the stage I pray for my ex’s victims that they too will learn the truth and find sites like Lovefraud to help them heal.
All victims go through the same grieving stages as a death denial, sadness, anger etc it’s hard to deal with all those emotions (google grieving stages)…so just feel all of your emotions and let them flow out…glad you vented here…venting is a good thing so is writing in a journal/or just on a piece of paper.
You will get to the point with your healing that you dont care who he is with you will be just happy you escaped his chaos and abuse.
Wishing you all the best for your new life!!! 🙂
Donna, You were the first person I reached out to the day I left the office of a PHD in forensic Psychology having learned that my ex is a sociopath. Learning what it meant and going to the internet back nearly nine years now… seems like only yesterday at times. I know you hear this often but I am so incredibly thankful to you for taking the time you did to respond to me and for this wonderful website. I have so much time at peace and yet when I have court dealings and declarations to do I feel like I am brought back to day one all over again. I just got off the phone with my attorney’s secretary and felt like she just does not understand why I am so picky about explicit orders…………. sigh………….. I know you are likely shaking your head right now with yes yes I understand. God Bless you Donna for all you do to help with awareness. As I buckle down for more court drama… I am pondering some sites I recently saw that indicated there are some federal investigations into deadbeat dads- I do not know if it has much validity but what I read stated that someone must owe at least 5K My ex owes over 90,000.00 yes, more than ninety thousand in child support. He does now seem to be paying something each month and has only skipped a month or so in the last year which is a HUGE improvement- but his motive is trying to take my son… he already gaslighted and completely turned our oldest against me and sadly the oldest I suspect is just like his biological entity. Our youngest has so much empathy and love I worry about how he will handle the way this goes… each visitation he seems to come back different. Has told us things that horrify us then later says oh no… in fear no i did not mean that please do not tell him……. oh the drama of it all. I do my best not to live this over and over and to find the joy each day. I did remarry and am so thankful that I have a good man in my life. I have learned to stand on my own too and I am so much stronger than I ever dreamed…… but I do have my moments. As I just dealt with more court matters and facing more ahead I decided to stop in to lovefraud and just wanted to send you a virtual hug Donna. I watched the tv spot the other night with the story of the lady who was conned out of money… when I saw you on that story there I had such a sense of pride and was saying way to go Donna!!!
thank you so so much for all you do and all you are. Love Hopeful 808
One more thing: my ex is self employed and is a canadian citizen.. I am not sure if anyone out there has insight on what we could do to help get him deported? Is there anyone helping with cases that someone owes over 90K in child support? Hides income and had a proven income of 9-10K a month at one point and now claims to make only about 1,200 quite a huge difference………..
he is trying hard to take the boys from me and oh as anyone here knows they are very manipulative. This ex does not want the boys and that has been clear but it is his only leverage to continue to hurt me. He use to threaten our lives and often threatened theirs.. but luckily I worked with an expert who helped me learn how to deal with each encounter so that I did not react and play into the games….. granted in the back of my mind I know he is pure evil..I have seen it. he does not last in relationships and his targets all have similarities… great contacts good credit and family with money…………
anyway if you or anyone has ideas on how to get my child support case up further on the chain of getting help.. let me know…. thank you!
Hopeful808, check out Onemomsbattle.com also join facebook under a fake name and chat on One moms battle facebook page there are 10,000 women in your same shoes who have been through/or going through what you are enduring right now. One moms battle deals with court issues with regards to narcs/sociopaths. Tina Swiften site creator has also written two books on court issues with a narc.
Be careful trying to get your ex deported as in one case posted on One Moms Battle the California Judge gave the father full custody and since he was deported the kids moved with him back to his home country in Europe. Now the mother has to travel to Europe to see her children and then back to her state to work since she can not get a work visa in that country. Just be careful you may create more problems then you ever anticipated with this approach.
Hopeful808, if you google “One moms battle kelly rutherford” you can read Tina’s article “A glimmer of hope” regarding her ex winning custody and moving the kids to Europe.
Oh…my…goodness…I was just talking to someone about my situation but this time I did not use the word “Sociopath”. I even told my friend that I don’t know why I am talking about it. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want people to think I’m crazy. I don’t want to ruin the hopes and dreams of others especially since others look at my fraud of a marriage as picturesque. I have beat myself up over and over about talking about it. I keep promising myself that I will not talk about it. I don’t want to give it life, but I keep finding myself overflowing like a volcano. Vomiting it out. Purging, I now realize. This article is so helpful because there are many facets to healing, or trying to heal while one works on a way out. Especially for me…I am a bullhorn. I heal though action and communication. The email has been in my Inbox for a while, but, for some odd reason, I decided to read it today. My questions have been answered. My “big mouth” is my healing. I am really not ashamed but angry that the moron would even try it. In any event, thanks LoveFraud.
I came across this song today on YouTube
They are on to the Spath behind the mask….
The Kinks “He’s Evil”
….
He comes on smooth, cool and kind,
But he wants your body not your mind.
He’s got style, personality,
But he’s the devil in reality.
He’ll make you laugh, make you smile,
And make you feel good for a while.
Wicked smile, decadent grin,
He likes school girls, nuns and virgins.
His skin is soft but his mind is hard,
He’ll lead you on then he’ll tear you apart.
He’ll treat you rough and he will make you cry,
And you will kiss sweet innocence good-bye.
And once you’re in there’ll be no getting out,
So look out, look out, look out, look out.
He’s evil. He’s evil. He’s evil. He’s evil. He’s evil.
He’s evil. He’s evil. He’s evil. He’s evil. He’s evil.
He’s got wit he’s got charm.
But when he gets rough he’ll break your arm.
He’s got taste, manners and grace,
But when he gets tough he’ll slit your face.
He’ll buy you jewels, expensive clothes,
Then his mind’ll go and he’ll bust your nose.
He’s a joker and a clown
But he’ll pervert you and drag you down.
He comes on smooth, cool and kind,
But he wants your body not your mind,
He is just the devil in disguise.
He will drag you down and he will make you cry,
And once you’re in there will be no getting out.
So look out, look out, look out.
Look out, look out, look out.
He’s evil. He’s evil. He’s evil. He’s evil. He’s evil.
He’s evil. He’s evil. He’s evil. He’s evil. He’s evil.
You are so right Jenni Marie. Thanks for sharing it:)
Thanks jennie marie – we should all print this out and put it by the fridge, phone, bedside!
I am trying really hard to move on and have no contact with my ex, but I just keep thinking about how I don’t want him to be with someone else. I feel so used and betrayed by him. It happens over and over again and you think I would learn, but I keep going back for more. I feel like something is wrong with me. My family keeps telling me this isn’t normal. Will I ever be able to move forward? It feels so hopeless.
I know tforgeo. It’s very confusing. I have to realise with my sociopath ex that the love was genuine from me and fake from him so he could get my money, free house, sex etc. We’ve been separated almost 3 years. I’ve tried no contact then somehow it goes wrong and I bump into him. Then he blames me for the no contact, I feel guilty and it all starts again. He finally admitted he was constantly unfaithful to me. I tried not to react so that he would continue telling me about it. He trusts me that it doesn’t worry me. He must be crazy. I don’t show emotion at all now and don’t confront him and he seems to be telling me all about his many, many affairs. I think he has around 4 or 5 regulars and also takes opportunities as they arise. He visits me and doesn’t seem to get it. You can’t profess to be in love with someone after only a week, then immediately go to others. Of course, they don’t know what love is. Lust is the driving power, but they don’t understand. I still feel love for him but at least I realise he’s fake so the pain is not too bad now.
I had a bf like this. He’s still my friend. Well he’s been on and off. I just recently told him. Ur a player. Ur loss. I will always be ur friend but the greatest gift you could give me is to not LIE TO ME. He said: Ur Right. He said i will not lie to you anymore. Im sorry.
Does he mean it? idk lol
but he said it without arguing. that was something lol
i would never ever trust him to commit. he did the same intensity too quick and then go screw every and any thing that would and will do him.
he’s got 6 kids (3 babymamas), the 3rd and 5th and 6th are total mistakes. like HELL NO, *you’re* not pregnant too!!! i would hate to be him.
but he’s a pretty good friend to me when i need him. he’s not disordered at all i dont think. he’s just a loser.
Kathleen,
There is no normal conversation that takes place with a socio-path. Everything that you have learned in life about how to treat people does not apply when dealing with him.You are his captured audience and he needs someone to listen to all that he is doing.It’s all about him.It’s always your fault, no matter what,HE will blame you. He wants you to think that you are special and can be trusted and confided in. It keeps us engaged in their life. He loses control with no contact, but You gain yours back:) It is the only way. We are so conditioned to love and care that it does not make sense to leave and not love or care. If you want your life back, move on and have no contact.Be responsive and less reactive. Get really aware of your actions and focus on what you want for your life:) It’s about YOU now.It’s your turn. Give yourself permission to be happy and move forward. You can do it:)P.S. BLOOM!
Thank you truebeliever. Even in his company, I try to keep in mind this is not a normal human being, but the charm etc. continues to fool me. I cannot go no contact yet as I can’t take more blame after years of it. I’m just going to have to be crafty and try to be unavailable. He only texts and emails me – no phone, which is good. I’ve been in contact and him coming round to me for the past 3 weeks after 6 months of peace. I’ve noticed he’s always with ‘friends’ on Friday and Saturday and never texts me. Other days he does and wants to come over. I think he’s getting worried keeping his women separate from each other because as soon as he comes home he texts me either Sunday night or Monday morning. Surely he realises I know what he’s doing. I don’t care but I can use it to keep him away. But I caught myself waiting in for him at the weekend. I’ve decided to really concentrate on building up a life for myself and going out more. If he texts me on a weekday to ‘bring round some wine…’ I will call his bluff soon and tell him I was free at the weekend, but I’m busy with —- in the week. Anything for him to stop blaming me and using me. I feel dirty when he has multiple partners and obviously feels only lust and ‘dupers delight’ in ‘fooling me and the others.’
Thank you Kathleen! I just don’t understand how someone could do this to someone.i don’t get how you can go back and forth between people. It makes no sense to me. I want her to know what he’s done, but it won’t do any good and he will retaliate. I thought about going out if state to visit family while I have time off to clear my head and get away from him. Thank you for your support
I know tforgeo. These people are evil. We have to think they have no love in them like us. Sex is mechanical and only lust, which means nothing to normal people. That’s how they can easily sleep with strangers, no problem. Mine not only takes opportunities but actively chases people (predator) everyday on the internet. We’ve been married almost 8 years. He left me nearly 3 years’ ago when I had to tell him my savings (we lived from) were gone. He was receiving hundreds of emails a day after that from people on dating sites. He has long contact lists – hundreds – because he never finishes with anyone. He could go 5 years, drop his current ‘lovers’ and pick an old one up – ‘sorry about what happened between us. would you like to see me again?’ No shame. We must keep in mind – we are normal, loving, caring human beings and they are monsters!
tforgeo – It only feels hopeless at the moment. Ask yourself this: Do you not want him to be with someone else because you don’t want him to hurt anyone else or Do you not want him to be with someone else because you haven’t been hurt by him enough? Either way, you don’t deserve to be hurt. You cannot fix your ex nor can you protect anyone else from him. You don’t deserve to be used or betrayed. You deserve to be loved. You have to love yourself first. It’s up to you to take the steps you need to take towards the life that you deserve. Put him in your rear view mirror. It’s OK. It’s hard right now, but it gets easier and easier and eventually your life will get better and better.
I know how hard it is to let go when you think he can change. What if he GETS IT with the new or next one??? Then you’d be a fool to let him go; if you’d just held on longer…so you try harder this time. You try something different. You tell him you will always wait for him. You will always love him. And you mean it. And he knows you mean it.
This is a normal reaction.
But it should be reserved for normal men. (and even then after great thot and some good counsel)
*THESE* monsters, tho, will never change. Will never get it. Will never become human even.
Toss them away.
They are garbage.
tforgeo,
you are not alone. I haven’t blogged in a couple days, been busy getting ready for my trip to Puerto Rico in two more days. But it has still been on my mind too. When I first found out that he had a fiance for the past 2 years just a couple weeks ago, I felt this overwhelming anger and protection for myself. I found out from the ex fiance that there were other women too, so then defenses about my health came about. I got tested and everything is ok, thank God. But now I am in the phase of missing him, why, I keep asking why? I didn’t think I would feel this way at all because I wasn’t happy for awhile with him.
I just keep remembering all the promises he made, his love bombing was extreme, his constant lying and I keep wandering why I fell for it. I feel like I am in the healing process of beating myself up and I shouldn’t because I did nothing wrong. The thoughts of his kind actions just keep flowing through my mind and it makes me miss him. But then I think of the conversation we had on this cabin vacation we took just a week before I found out about his other women. We went on a canoe ride, and the night before my friend and her boyfriend were fighting about his cheating in the past. We had a whole conversation about why people cheat. He acted like he had insight and I felt we connected on a deeper level. But this wolf in sheeps clothing was just having another conversational lie with me to keep me bonded. I feel so emotionally abused. And yet after these bad thoughts keep running through my head, I still miss him. What’s wrong with me, I dodged major bullets and have no stds. What woman wants to be a man that could risk her health. I should feel no remorse for leaving him.
He has made absolutely no contact with me. I can only guess he has made a smooth transition onto his next victim. I find myself wanting to have some contact with him, some closure, although I know this will never happen and keep going back to the thought of “no contact forever” being the best option. I know that my real issue is my loneliness that I suffer and this is why I feel like I miss him. I am trying so many self help things like books and meditating, I feel good for a while then I slip back. Time is my enemy right now. It does feel good to be back on here to write this out and getting it out only heals more. I just want these nostalgic feelings to end right away so that I don’t keep beating myself up.
downwitfakerastas,
May every second of your trip be filled with enjoyment.
A suggestion from an experience I had during one of the many breakups with Mike, “Edweird”: While you are on vacation and spending time talking with people, pay close attention to their personalities and how refreshingly ‘normal’ their conversation is with you and those around them, as well as their reactions to the world around them as things occur.
You will find that not everyone believes that all people are stupid, and lot’s of people still have a sense of humor and can laugh at themselves freely without getting angry at anyone. It is an opportunity for you to let your mind see for itself what is on the other side of the fence. This fence that we have slowly built around ourselves that keeps us caught up in the turmoil of confusion of being with and breaking up with a person like him.
When the sociopath’s ball (sad feelings and missing him/it) comes bouncing into your yard, kick it back over, and continue with your own fun and games. Healthy games. And the best part of all? It’s okay to leave the yard.
Open the gate downwitfakerastas! 🙂 Go outside and play.
Have a great, safe trip.
Jenni
I like this idea a lot Jenni, thanks!!! This vacation is exactly what I need. My spath kept me indecisive this whole spring when I was trying to make vacation plans this summer, he kept saying he was coming, then not, then trying to get me to go to Jamaica instead(that is where he is from), and I think he waited until I offered to pay for the plane flight for him. He also did this, I realize now, because he didn’t know if he could leave his fiance for 5 days, what lie would he come up with??? I already offered to pay the hotel, because I couldn’t take his bs anymore and I just planned the trip for myself without him making strides to go.
It was all in the universe’s plan for me to make this trip and to schedule it as though I was going by myself….but my friend jumped on board is going with me now too (she is going through a break up too)….we are in need of some much r&r
Down,
Jennie has a great point. As I get out more, I hurt less. And I really notice how normal people are. In fact, people are so normal that I become self conscious because I stay so suspicious.
Recently, I saw a few people from high school. I’ve known these people for twenty years. I trust them. It was an amazing feeling to stand and talk to men who I know and trust, the conversations were relaxed and joyful. I never felt intimidated or judged. They were happy to see an old friend and were interested in my life, as I was interested in theirs. I didn’t feel threatened at all, I didn’t have to be on guard for what was coming next. I didn’t have to worry that if they were being nice, they must have a plan to harm me. It was refreshing and so outside what I am used to.
It’s great advice to watch how normal people communicate. Because they are normal.
Best wishes for a great trip! And lots of normal interaction with others.