Most of us at Lovefraud are here because we’ve been conned, duped, deceived and betrayed by a sociopath. Once we finally figure out what we are dealing with, many of us do not tell other people what really happened. We do not talk about our experiences with sociopaths. After all, it’s embarrassing to admit that no, we didn’t see it coming, and yes, we fell for the scam. And if we do venture to describe the sociopath’s true behavior, we may be met by disbelief. “What? That charming person couldn’t possibly have done that. You must have misinterpreted.”
We quickly learn that people do not understand what we are talking about. Either they don’t believe us, or ostracize us. So we stop talking. We try to hide what happened, even from ourselves.
Not talking about our experiences with sociopaths has two effects:
- Our pain is bottled up within us, impeding our own recovery
- The world does not learn just how many social predators are living in our midst
Talking about it
After my appearance on ABC 20/20 back in 2014, I received an email from a Lovefraud reader who wrote:
I watched the show last night and somehow it unleashed several hidden emotions and feelings which I tried to bury regarding my situation. My healing has begun slowly month by month and I am now learning how not to be so hard on myself and be more cautious with my future relationships…
This reader experienced a release because someone else who was targeted told her story.
Katherine Underwood suffered tremendously at the hands of Budimir Drakulic, who took more than $410,000 from her. I know for a fact that it was very difficult for Katherine to do the TV show. Anyone who watched could see that she became emotional on several occasions.
Still, Katherine did it. And sharing her story likely helped thousands of other people.
When we talk about our experiences with sociopaths, when we stand up and say, “yes, this happened to me,” it helps other people who have been targeted realize that they are not alone. This can go a long way towards recovery.
Our own healing
Talking about our experiences with sociopaths also helps our own healing. When we share what happened, we are no longer carrying the burden of our pain all by ourselves.
A big reason why it’s often so difficult to recover from the devastation of the sociopath is that we feel so isolated, like no one really understands what we experienced.
Unfortunately, often our perception on this is correct. People do not understand what happened. That’s why a community like Lovefraud is so important everyone who reads and posts here does understand.
To know that someone truly empathizes with us is extremely validating. Especially when a sociopath has been calling us “crazy” and “mentally unbalanced,” validation can be truly helpful to our recovery.
Breaking the silence
When we discover that we’ve been duped by a sociopath, among the multitude of unpleasant emotions we feel are shame and embarrassment. Talking about what happened increases our shame and embarrassment, so we don’t do it.
Our silence, unfortunately, benefits the particular sociopath we were involved with, along with all the other sociopaths who prowl the planet. Because we don’t talk about our experiences with sociopaths, society doesn’t know they exist, and they continue to get away with their manipulation and deceit.
Yes, sociopaths are in our midst. Sometimes they look scary, but usually they don’t — they seem to be just like the rest of us, at least at first. They’re attentive and charming. They appear to be our best friend, or a pillar of the community.
Even a guy named Budimir Drakulic, the man who conned Katherine Underwood, was able to pass himself off as trustworthy.
Back in 1994, when Katherine met Drakulic, there was even less awareness of sociopaths than there is now. Today, if nothing else, all of us at Lovefraud at least know that they exist.
Spreading the word
Let’s spread the word.
Talking about our experiences with sociopaths can accomplish three things:
- Helping someone else recognize that they’re involved with a predator
- Helping our own recovery by sharing the burden of our experience
- Warning the rest of the world about the predators who live among us
We should educate ourselves about this personality disorder, and when the opportunity arises, talk about our experiences with sociopaths. It may not always be safe to talk about our personal situation. But we can share general information. We can send someone a link to Lovefraud.
Knowledge is power. The first step in protecting ourselves from sociopaths is knowing that they exist.
tforgeo,
We all feel your pain.It is the most mind boggling experience I have ever had in my life.The attachment you have to him is like a drug addiction.You have experienced immense love and desire like never before and he has you where he wants you.Its a mind game and control.It is an addiction.He had created a world that no other can match and as much as you want him to be different and change,it won’t happen. It is a crazy making experience and NO CONTACT is the ONLY WAY!!!Your ACTIONS speak louder than words! It has been six years and I have moved on!!! Know that you are capable of real love and caring. Do not allow your empathy and caring to control your life. He is so good at needing that from you.It keeps us hooked and addicted. You do not have to give yourself away for love. Love is not a trade-off. Kick the addiction!I wish you the BEST!!!
For those who are still in contact with the sociopath in your life, you have choices you can not blame everything on the sociopath that is negative in your life, if you choose to continue to allow that evil person to put you on an emotional roller coaster ride still then you can not blame the sociopath if you are willing to pay the admission price (communicating with them) to get on the sociopaths roller coaster ride.
You are paying the ultimate price by still being in contact with that dysfunctional chaotic person, you are paying with your sanity. YOU will never find peace with a sociopath in your life EVER…you must break the addiction and emotional bond from the sociopath in your life.
This is what YOU have to do and to do this you need to go no contact with them…know that you can never be “friends” with a sociopath ever…in your mind maybe, in a sociopaths mind no way…they will always play with your emotions and mind exactly like a cat that plays with a mouse….the sociopath will play with your mind (gas lighting abuse etc) and your emotions until you are literally crawling away from their abuse. The ultimate goal of a sociopath is to break you down emotionally, mentally and physically until you have lost everything in your life.
Are you willing to let a sociopath do that to you, to your life??
At what point do you say ENOUGH with my current situation…at what point do YOU say I am going to make changes starting today….I am going to go no contact for 90 days! Then after that another 90 days…. I have a choice and I choose me over the sociopath!!!
This is from narcissismfree.com explaining why you need to go “NO Contact” with a sociopath to finally get your freedom! (Plus Donna has more info on No contact rule here on Lovefraud).
“…..Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship
No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”
I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.
No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.
Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.
When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.
The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!
Of course there are cases where ’no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator……..”
Jan7…AMEN!!
Thanks, I really need to read this just now. My spath has made no contact and I haven’t made any too. I keep thinking of the things I would say to him in a text but then I think it will do no good anyways. I do stop myself. I can never let him have the wrath of my anger enough for him to see the light of what he did. He will never care. Our whole relationship was a lie from the beginning. I just need to get past these thoughts of the good times we had, I guess it is part of the addiction. Like a drug you think of the times you had fun and pleasure, that is why people go back to the drug. Any resources on how to stop these ideas of the good times you had with the spath????
This shit is so mind boggling, I just started crying as I wrote that last sentence. I want to talk to my friends but I know they will just think Im crazy for feeling this way
This shyt IS so mindboggling. Give yourself a break. Step back and just feel. And breathe.
Give urself time.
You’re still wrapping ur mind around it.
Normal ppl have a very very hard time doing that. They generally DENY spaths exist.
The spath just moves on, lalala.
You’re normal. Breathe, hon.
Just Breathe by Anna Nalick
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M491t7LaRiA
Downwitfakerastas, your Welcome. After I posted it I thought maybe it was to harsh but I just wanted to get several people here to think about what they are doing to themselves by letting the sociopath contact them.
If you let your mind really open up to your relationship you will see that there were never any “good times” with your sociopath. Why? Because everything he did was to control you, to control your mind, what you did, how you acted and to control what you did.
For me every thing I have read since leaving that explains my ex h’s behavior ie gas lighting, his use of mind control, reward & punishment, intimidation etc I look to see if he used those in the “good times” too…ie vacations, going to dinner with friends, holidays etc and YES he did everything was about him and everything was about controlling me and everyone else. There were never any “normal” times with him I just tried my best like most victims to try to see the good rather then the bad. They are very sick and twisted. You might want to dissect your “good times” with him to see the truth that no matter if they were good times (in your mind) or bad times (your mind seeing the truth) they were all really bad times. This will help you separate your self from him emotionally and break the addiction. It really does help.
I am sorry that you were crying while writing your post..makes me sad. You are going to survive and thrive. It just takes time. The good thing is you know the truth..which has lead you to sites like lovefraud to educate yourself and to heal. Take care
ps no matter what you wrote in a letter/text to him to explain how he made you feel he would get joy out of the fact he destroyed you emotionally so doing so would not help…the best thing you can do is think about the fact you found out the truth about him, his true nightmare is that all people will learn he is a sociopath and you know this! This is power!!! Greater power then sending him a letter to explain how he hurt you.
Jan7,
I think I needed to cry….I did a couple times but I need to allow myself to cry because I felt some relief. Although it kept me inside all day on a beautiful day, I needed that. Today is another beautiful day(hot but sunny) and I am going to take advantage of it!
Hi Downwitfakerstas…crying is good…we spent so long stuffing our feelings down for peace our bodies need to release the emotions.
Enjoy your sunny day!!
downwitfakerastas,
Adding to Ain’t post full of wise advice…
My now ex husband poisoned all my good time memories because when his mask came off, he revealed all the good times were just him scamming me, setting me up.
To relieve the pain of memories turning out to be poison, I redid the memories. I found NEW places that were my special spot. Sometimes I did NEW activities and actually did a little purification ceremony so that his essence was purged and light and love were enhanced.
And truth is, your friends are not likely to understand. You lived it and it’s hard to understand. You can find people here to validate you and to cry with. Keep your friends for rebuilding good times and a good life.
Jan7,
YES! It’s hard to come to grips with, the enormity of their abuse. EVERYTHING, every kindness, every gesture, every moment was about getting control over and getting one over on us. Duping. IT was ALL a dupe. They used what we valued, being connected, FEELING loved, to DUPE us. No wonder the grief seems unending. … eventually NEW REAL and AUTHENTIC replaces the grief. But it sure does seem a long haul… kinda like being in college, where classes go on forever, but when we’re done, we look back at the progress and are so glad to have come through it with a future of all kinds of possibilities.
Notwhathesaidofme, I agree…I always think that all of us victims should receive a honorary PHD in psychology specializing in sociopath behavior, mind control and their evilness. Then maybe our friends & family would listen to what we have to say LOL!
I talked about it to no end, wrote about it to no end. I still don’t feel better because they got away with it. The courts are supposed to be better educated on this sort of thing but courts don’t care. It’s not their life.
You are right. The courts don’t care. Justice is rare.
But it only SEEMS like they got away with it when you are still in great pain.
After you heal, you will see they didn’t gain what they really wanted. So for them, it’s a loss. They didn’t gain your complete destruction, your suicide. It’s why living well really is the best revenge. To show they were the scum of the earth and could not destroy your goodness, your ability to love, your humanity.
i have talked about this here before: post-spath I googled some folks i knew in my deep past. there was a court record of someone who i knew when i was 20; and the judge’s comments showed that this man had not changed in 30 years. Well recently, i googled him again, and found only an estate sale notice from a newspaper – he had died. I have no idea how. perhaps from alcohol related issues, perhaps violently….
not sure how i feel about this. I haven’t been afraid of this guy in decades – i live thousands of miles away.there is something very odd for me about him having died. he terrorized me, and now he is dead. his life was short and cruel. and i am not sure how i feel about that. it dredges up such old stuff…think i will be numb about it until all that old stuff gets a bit more air.
I can speak from experience as the mouse that the cat played with;’dragging through mud and over rocks’.
He would always apologize afterward and I felt it was ‘my duty’ to try to make our marriage work and keep our family together.But the entire time,it was doing things to my mind!The gaslighting,etc.There was the sleep deprivation that went on for YEARS!!! I reacted like a robot…just doing.
The worst though was the isolation…from family and friends.Staring at four walls all day long;having no one but the Spath to talk to.I felt like I was going crazy!It was like being a prisoner kept in isolation.There would be no Long Ranger & Tonto or any other Troopers.I was growing weaker by the day.The cat was growing more confident & fatter.I knew I had to make a move or I would die!Ironically,he helped me make that move one day when he contemptously called me “drama queen” repeatedly.Once I got beyond the door I never looked back!!!
I hate this hold they have over us. Like you say Blossom4th, when you are taken advantage of and it’s the loneliness they feed off from you, it makes it that much harder because you have no one to fall back on for support. Why does life have to be so cruel. Not only do we have to suffer the emotional drama they put us through, but we also have to do it alone. I can only think that this is what I am going through to make me stronger but I can’t actually feel that right now, only imagine it.
My strength lies not in that I’m stronger but that I’m HERE.
I should not be. I should be buried.
I’m HERE
LIFE!!!! nothing can beat the hope that flies with Life.
Blossom4th, You just brilliantly describe all of our nightmares with a sociopath.
Cheers to our FREEDOM!!!!!
Since Spath has no contact with me,he calls my dad (who lives out of state) several times daily,trying to get information about me.My dad can’t stand him!Dad won’t tell Spath anything about me!But he politely listens long enough to get some information ABOUT SPATH,and then if it’s something he feels I should hear,he’ll tell me.
Recently,he told me something I had already suspicioned.There is a phone hook up to our congregation meetings,and Spath listens in.Dad said Spath told him he was listening in so that he could hear me!I had a feeling that if I would ‘fade away’,he would be more than glad to,as well!But he feels obligated to be ‘showy’ as long as I sincerely appear at my congregation meetings!
Blossom4th…your Dad is amazing! To not only have someone who believes you, but to have someone, especially Dad, to be proactive in helping you defend yourself is simply amazing! I’m so happy for you. No matter what…with strength like your Dad’s, you’re going to be just fine. FYI…you have your Dad’s genetics. Best of luck.
downwitfakerastas,
The “good times”?! Hon, those were playacting…it was a movie!!! I always tried to ‘hold things together’ by remembering the ‘good times’…..until I realized they weren’t real!
As was suggested,make your own good times…ONES THAT YOU KNOW ARE REAL!
yes you are so right, there cant be any good times because they were all lies.
Yeah, it’s starts out as nice dinners out with him buying, a month later I’m paying somehow or someway. And, at the same time he is making up excuses why he can’t come and see me
I stumbled on this and was reminded how much easier our lives would be if these people were upfront with us. Truth in advertising – Maybe it would sound something like this?:
Deal or No Deal?
“Here’s the deal sweetie. For the next several months or so, I will pretend to be everything you ever wanted. I’ll shower you with attention, affection, and all manner of stuff to make you feel special. Then once I know you are depending on me as your significant other, and have made a commitment to me, I’m going to quit pretending and be who I really am. I’m going to treat you badly, I’ll say insensitive things, I’ll lie, I’ll cheat, I’ll devastate you financially, I’ll be really cruel, possibly humiliate you in public. Your job will be to figure out what happened and do anything in your power to restore the relationship to what it was before, until you die, or try to kill yourself, or collapse and get sent to the hospital, which will be pretty funny since there is no chance whatsoever I’ll pretend to be that nice guy again ”“ and by the way it WAS a pretense. So what do you say sweetie? Do we have a deal? Several years in hell in exchange for a few months of fantasy?”
Sure would have been easier to walk away with a speech like that!
Bets,
Did you ever say to him something like this: “If all you wanted was sex, the least you could have done is given me the option”.
The funniest part of this is that when it came time to ‘do it’, he could not keep the little soldier at attention, unless it was in his own hands or mine. ewwwww, tmi, sorry. But, if I had the ‘option’ for just sex with him, I could have said NO THANKS. He had a very nice soldier and only used it to tease me. He commented once that he ‘made me wait two weeks before giving it to me the very first time’ after ‘showing it’ to me by walking and strutting around naked in my home the second time that I invited him over. It was summer, so “it’s hot and it’s ok to get naked”. I did like the view.
Want to know something else? I stayed single and celibate for nine years prior to meeting him because of the jerk before him. I swore off relationships until I met someone really nice this time. Mike was a grand manipulator. I gotta give him that. The only difference now is that he is not manipulating me.
Sure would have been easier to walk away if he had been man enough to give me the deal or no deal speech…….
—-
Carl Sagan wrote:
If it can be DESTROYED by the TRUTH,
It DESERVES to be DESTROYED by the TRUTH.
—-
may we all find peace of mind by knowing the Truth.
-Jenni
You really hit the nail on the head with your description. Unfortunately that wouldn’t be any fun for them would it?
downwitfakerastas
I wanted to add the obvious: It is not easy to stop thinking about him.
When I wake up in the morning, I think about him within the first few minutes of waking up. (ick) Weekdays are spent being blessedly distracted by my job. Weekends are tougher, but I get through them.
I sometimes wonder if he thinks about me when he wakes up too because of all the times he would call me in the morning, right before I would have to leave for work, after fighting the night before to the point of me having no choice but to ask him to leave, and I allow myself a little laugh , because I know how hard it is trying NOT TO THINK ABOUT SOMEONE and how much I know he is squirming in his non-existent shorts, that he is not able to make his usual antagonistic ‘morning call’ of continued harassment-to-start-my-day with, a’la Evil crap.
He doesn’t have a job so he’s got plenty of time to think about the ‘best’ girl (laugh) he ever had and what trick will get that control back, so he can start making his morning calls again, LOL, along with his other useless tricks for the day. (I know he doesn’t give a hoot about me, but he likes his sick entertainment and will probably miss a little thrill from these spiteful morning calls in particular…aww poor baby, and I hope he gets as bored as they are supposed to get quickly, but this guy keeps coming back and showing up, for 3 1/2 years!, so I’m not out of his mind as much as I would like to be out. –And yes, Jenniself, I know that I am the one who kept giving him all those chances, 🙁 but not anymore, forever).
Sometimes it feels like I am whining and complaining when I post, but it has all been very helpful regardless. I stayed with mike for two plus years after learning about disordered people on LF, because I ’loved’ him and I didn’t want to give up. I didn’t want to just blindly accept the scary possibility that he was sociopathic even when there was no other logical diagnostic conclusion to draw for myself. After all, who gives up?! I used to think only quitters gave up. Now, I know that sometimes….. it is Abused people who give up, and it’s okay to give up and it’s okay to go against your own grain of stick-to-it-iv-ness, and just quit when it comes to these types of icky people. To save ourselves.
Dear downwitfakerastas,
Give yourself permission to give up on him.
We LF peeps know that you are not the kind of person to just give up on someone without a fight/best effort/care, and we know that you wanted to make sure that you have given him every chance possible to change his ways. You know you did sweetie, you really really did.
By removing this person from your life, what would you be missing? What would you tell your best friend if she were in this same situation? What would you tell your son or daughter? Please be your own best friend this time. Be nice to yourself as you take each minute, hour and day to break the addiction to him. That’s really all it is, an addiction. You can beat it. “One day at a time” is no joke. I am only 16 days NC since the last trick- bout of “let’s talk to work it out” insanity ride, and am encouraged by reading posts from those of us who have passed the early withdrawal phase, and moved into the consciousness of recovering phase.
with love,
Jenni
Jenni,
I often wander if it would be better if I was at work or on my summer vacation like I am now. I am a teacher, and I got the news about his fiance about a week before school let our for summer. I teach high school, so students weren’t really coming the last week of school. I was glad that I felt ok to sneak away to cry or to deal with the news I just found out. But once summer break happen, I have all this free time which makes it almost worse because I have a lot of time to think about it. And my loneliness doesn’t make it any better. Being 36, everyone is married or has kids and is working the 9-5 M-f, so summer vacation can be very isolating. It is bitter sweet sometimes.
My spath used to text me every morning to say ‘good morning” at the beginning that soon stopped after a couple months of the inititial love bombing (there were many more exclamations of love than just the morning text). I think that fact that he has made no contact and I know he never will, is the hardest part, because like another poster said, it is the love bonds and chemicals in the brain that are experience the withdrawals….if he were contacting me and I wasn’t responding but still reading his messages, I would still be feeding that chemical, just like a drug. So my withdrawal is going to be quick and swift since I won’t get anything from him, and I am stubborn and I won’t contact him, I think about it, but I won’t…this is where my stubbornness works out for me. lol
That is why I am trying meditation, and I did a toltec labryinth meditation last night and it did help….and of course all your responses from posters on here really help. When I come back and read the positive note to move forward it refocuses me.
downwitfakerastas,
When I started my healing process;not only did I post at LF,but I took advantage of the archives at the bottom of the page.When you’re feeling up to to doing research,it’s a great place for doing it!
I found a couple of articles that might be helpful as a start,for you.Here’s the first one. http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/12/10/getting-the-sociopath-out-of-your-head/
Thanks, I did read a lot of the articles on here before I started posting and I watched Donna’s video’s. I am so glad I stumbled upon this website. I had no idea I was dating a spath nor did I know anything about this. He was my first and hopefully my last. I definitely know now that the love bombing and the predatory stare are major indications. Like I said in previous posts, I thought it was all about his culture since he is Jamaican, I always made excuses that I just didn’t know their cultural habits.
But to all women, never make this excuse, some of things Donna puts on her list expand the cultural boundaries. He did so many things on the list, but when I look back now the love bombing and the stare were so prevalent. I was always uneasy with his stupid stare. But it got to the point when I pointed it out that we would make jokes about it. He was great at being sarcastic and making jokes out of his lies.