Most of us at Lovefraud are here because we’ve been conned, duped, deceived and betrayed by a sociopath. Once we finally figure out what we are dealing with, many of us do not tell other people what really happened. We do not talk about our experiences with sociopaths. After all, it’s embarrassing to admit that no, we didn’t see it coming, and yes, we fell for the scam. And if we do venture to describe the sociopath’s true behavior, we may be met by disbelief. “What? That charming person couldn’t possibly have done that. You must have misinterpreted.”
We quickly learn that people do not understand what we are talking about. Either they don’t believe us, or ostracize us. So we stop talking. We try to hide what happened, even from ourselves.
Not talking about our experiences with sociopaths has two effects:
- Our pain is bottled up within us, impeding our own recovery
- The world does not learn just how many social predators are living in our midst
Talking about it
After my appearance on ABC 20/20 back in 2014, I received an email from a Lovefraud reader who wrote:
I watched the show last night and somehow it unleashed several hidden emotions and feelings which I tried to bury regarding my situation. My healing has begun slowly month by month and I am now learning how not to be so hard on myself and be more cautious with my future relationships…
This reader experienced a release because someone else who was targeted told her story.
Katherine Underwood suffered tremendously at the hands of Budimir Drakulic, who took more than $410,000 from her. I know for a fact that it was very difficult for Katherine to do the TV show. Anyone who watched could see that she became emotional on several occasions.
Still, Katherine did it. And sharing her story likely helped thousands of other people.
When we talk about our experiences with sociopaths, when we stand up and say, “yes, this happened to me,” it helps other people who have been targeted realize that they are not alone. This can go a long way towards recovery.
Our own healing
Talking about our experiences with sociopaths also helps our own healing. When we share what happened, we are no longer carrying the burden of our pain all by ourselves.
A big reason why it’s often so difficult to recover from the devastation of the sociopath is that we feel so isolated, like no one really understands what we experienced.
Unfortunately, often our perception on this is correct. People do not understand what happened. That’s why a community like Lovefraud is so important everyone who reads and posts here does understand.
To know that someone truly empathizes with us is extremely validating. Especially when a sociopath has been calling us “crazy” and “mentally unbalanced,” validation can be truly helpful to our recovery.
Breaking the silence
When we discover that we’ve been duped by a sociopath, among the multitude of unpleasant emotions we feel are shame and embarrassment. Talking about what happened increases our shame and embarrassment, so we don’t do it.
Our silence, unfortunately, benefits the particular sociopath we were involved with, along with all the other sociopaths who prowl the planet. Because we don’t talk about our experiences with sociopaths, society doesn’t know they exist, and they continue to get away with their manipulation and deceit.
Yes, sociopaths are in our midst. Sometimes they look scary, but usually they don’t — they seem to be just like the rest of us, at least at first. They’re attentive and charming. They appear to be our best friend, or a pillar of the community.
Even a guy named Budimir Drakulic, the man who conned Katherine Underwood, was able to pass himself off as trustworthy.
Back in 1994, when Katherine met Drakulic, there was even less awareness of sociopaths than there is now. Today, if nothing else, all of us at Lovefraud at least know that they exist.
Spreading the word
Let’s spread the word.
Talking about our experiences with sociopaths can accomplish three things:
- Helping someone else recognize that they’re involved with a predator
- Helping our own recovery by sharing the burden of our experience
- Warning the rest of the world about the predators who live among us
We should educate ourselves about this personality disorder, and when the opportunity arises, talk about our experiences with sociopaths. It may not always be safe to talk about our personal situation. But we can share general information. We can send someone a link to Lovefraud.
Knowledge is power. The first step in protecting ourselves from sociopaths is knowing that they exist.
downwitfakerastas,
…and here is the other article that I thought you might find helpful.Best wishes and Hugs!
http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/03/13/authenticity-after-the-sociopath-finding-peace-in-being-real/
Just ignore me please. I should know better. Met this guy and the honeymoon lasted two weeks and after that it cost me money. And, the most stupidest thing is this guy isn’t a cute young boy toy costing me money, he is a gnarly old man. There are so many men looking to use women to spend money on him. Maybe I should advertise on dating site that if I have to spend money on you….you better look like Johnny Depp
I must say that I am happy for all of you. It seems that everyone here is out. I’m still “in” and it sucks. I’m working on getting out but since I’ve not worked & have a number of children, it’s difficult. Emotionally it’s draining. However, I have faith & I dream all of the time of that blessed day I’ll be free. I’m so excited to hear that so many of you made it out no matter your situation. Keep me & my children in your prayers while I forge ahead in determination & faith.
Ironiclife, I know it feels hopeless for you…being in the tornado feels like there will never be any calm and blue skies…but with proper planning you can escape your current situation. Here are a few things that you might want to look into….little steps everyday turn into miles!
1) Call the National domestic violence hotline anytime you feel you need to talk with a free counselor, you can call everyday if you need to…in the USA 800-799-SAFE or google your countries hotline number. 24/7 365 days a year
2) Go to your local abuse center for free counseling and women group meetings. Do this without telling your husband. This will help to know you are not alone plus the counselor can help you with an “Exit Plan” out of your relationship. The National domestic violence hotline can give you your local numbers just ask them. This is one of the best things you can do for yourself right now!!
3) Start getting an EXIT PLAN in order starting today!
4) If you go to the National Domestic violence hotline website they have an “Exit Plan” posted for you to look at plus Google “Exit Plan” & “EXIT PLAN you tube” to learn more
This Exit Plan is a must…remember the most dangerous time for a women leaving a domestic abusive relationship is when she leaves so you need an exit plan out.
5) Tell your most trusted friends & family what is going on in your marriage ask them to start keeping a journal of everything you tell them that is going on in your relationship…this can be used in court! Have them keep dates, times, incidents. This is an absolute must they will be witness for you in court for say a restraining order and/or future child custody case. Also he will try to do a smear campaign against you with your own family & friends so start spreading the truth now.
6) Keep a journal yourself but make sure you hide it for your safety. Keep dates, times, incidents etc the more detailed the better dont worry about spelling or grammar just write it all down. Your journal can be used in courts but your families and friends journal is as equally as important.
7) Job…there are many large corporations, government jobs, military bases (civilian jobs on base) and large gyms that have child care on the premise. So look into these type jobs that way you can work and have your children at day care. Even if your whole pay check goes to child care find a job even if only part time. Not just for you to have a little income of your own but also to get out and socialize and find some self worth on your own terms. If you need some type of job skill look into this at the unemployment office they have lots of free coursed on all subjects.
The other option would be to work at a day care center so that again you can get out of your home and feel strong again about your self.
8) Check out meetup.com it’s a free site that is really cool as it list all of your town clubs, organizations, groups…join a walking group, or moms group or any group that you are interested in so that you can form new friendships and not feel so isolated in your world. Since you are vulnerable stick to the women groups only since you dont want to be preyed upon by any men.
9) Know that you are not alone!! We hear you..keep posting here. ALso check out facebook pg After narcissistic abuse & One Moms battle. Open a fake email account and with that acct open a fake facebook page that way you can chat on those sites without your husband seeing what you are saying plus also his friends/family cant see and report back to him. See onemomsbattle.com and her books on divorcing a narcissist and Afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress
10) You most likely have PTSD (adrenal fatigue) which is limiting you mentally, emotionally and physically from leaving your abuser. Check out adrenalfatigue.org take the questionnaire/read/see symptoms list. Drlam.com read/see symptoms list, mialundin.com read the book see her you tube videos…google PTSD adrenal fatigue. Healing your adrenal glands will help you to think clearly to leave. Symptoms of adrenal fatigue anxiety, depression, panic attacks, hair loss, weight gain or loss, sleep issues, brain fog, thinking issues, difficulties making good decisions etc etc it’s a very long list.
11) ***ALWAYS CLEAR YOUR COMPUTER HISTORY for your safely!!
12) Every time your husband is abusive to you whether emotional, mental, verbal, physical or finical ask yourself at the moment:
When am I going to say enough and leave him?
(one day you will say “I am leaving TODAY!!)
We have all been where you are now…it seems hopeless but to escape your situation you need to make small steps everyday. Get a EXIT PLAN together…there is no time limit..the time for you to escape is your choice but have it ready encase you need to flee one night.
Know that you deserve so much better in your life!!! 🙂
**TO EVERYONE READING THIS PLEASE ADD IDEA’S FOR IRONICLIFE TO ESCAPE HER CURRENT SITUATION. Thxs
Jan7,
Thanks so much for so much guidance. It means a lot.
1) Call the National domestic violence hotline…I have quite a few children and when he’s not around I love cherishing the time with them. I can’t think of anything else besides relishing our peaceful times together. Also, I don’t want them to overhear anything. They see and feel enough as it is. I have family and friends I communicate with regularly. So, I’m on it.
2) Go to your local abuse center…soooo not an option! Besides wanting to cherish time with my kids especially since I now work, he calls them on their mobile phones to keep up with me and find out what I’m doing, where I am and with whom. If he finds out I’m someplace which even the kids don’t know he’ll use it to kindle his anger towards a fight. He has to have a springboard to say anything to me. So, I work pretty hard not to give it to him. Once I even said, “I am not answering that question because your insecurity is waiting for my reply to launch into an argument. It’s really old.”
3) Start getting an EXIT PLAN in order starting today!…have to get on this as I am exhausted with mother and work responsibilities. I wish I had a magic wand. I do have a plan, but because of the emotional toll it’s dragging. But, I am going to research it like you suggested. By reading plans and empowering myself…I may jolt forward.
4) If you go to the National Domestic violence hotline website they have an “Exit Plan” posted for you to look at plus Google “Exit Plan” & “EXIT PLAN you tube” to learn more…on it
This Exit Plan is a must…really cool I have a plan but I definitely can learn more and refine my plan.
5) Tell your most trusted friends & family…I do this pretty regularly. I am a bit apprehensive about asking them to keep a journal…I’ll work on this…
6) Keep a journal yourself…I keep an electronic journal. I don’t want to risk either him or the kids finding a hard copy.
7) Job…I have a job now and it’s so amazing being around wonderful people and building my own life. Without going into too much detail…the people I work for and with have known me and my kids for over 10 years.
8) Check out meetup.com…with my responsibilities to my kids and the emotional free time I get with them…there’s is no time. So, I play at work…LOL
9) Know that you are not alone!! We hear you..keep posting here. ALso check out facebook pg…on it!
10) You most likely have PTSD (adrenal fatigue)…on it!
11) ***ALWAYS CLEAR…on it!
12) When am I going to say enough and leave him?…IDK…it seems like others (some, not all) think it’s so easy to leave. Emotionally, psychologically I’m on board. It’s a no-brainer. My issue is financial. I have to be in a position to take care of myself and my kids independently. I don’t want to be living in a small apartment in a bad part of town cause it’s the best I can do. I don’t want to “not” be able to care for my kids because he’s dangling support and playing games…or quits his job for pity and blames me to my kids (oh…he’s a scoundrel). I don’t want to take my family out of the frying pan and put them into the fire. Remember they share his DNA and the teen years for some of them has been delicate to put is nicely. I don’t want to add to their emotional weights. That’s the thing with having kids (not bad, though). You have so many balls in the air trying not to miss even one. I just can’t get up and move into a family member’s basement. Also, the car is in his name and he has keys. If he takes it when I leave, now I have no way to get to work or get my kids to school, doctor’s appts., etc. He’s done it before. Enough IS enough…I checked out emotionally and psychologically, in regards to him, and I’m working on checking out financially. He plays so many games I have to be positioned to not need him for anything. If we get support…BONUS. Do I want to rely on it to live…NO.
I’ve was already a strong chica to start and I that’s what attracted him. However, it wasn’t an attraction of complementary desire, he hated and wanted to destroy my strength. It was all love/hate with hate gaining greater position as he gets older.
I’m even stronger now (but we all know it wears on you). I’ve switched up and tightened my game so much that he’s frazzled and has no idea at what angle to attack because he doesn’t know what I know, who else knows what I know and I don’t get angry anymore. His manipulation is based on knowing details to play around with the truth. So, the fewer details he knows about my life the less leverage he has. He’s lied on me to my family. When he was trying to figure out what was in my head, I threw him a bone. I said, “You are such a liar. I can’t believe you lied on me to my family!” He was stuck because he didn’t know which lie I was referring to and which person told me. So, he said, “What are you talking about? What did I say? How did I lie on you?” I simply replied, “That’s the thing about lies. You have to keep up with them otherwise you loose control of them and they take lives of their own until you don’t even remember your lies.” I walked away laughing to myself at how obvious this spath is. I laugh a lot. It’s therapeutic for me. I’m tired of crying, but I still do from time to time. Now that I know, it’s all clear.
I never look him in the eyes. I move around as if he doesn’t exist. I talk around him and whenever he tries to make direct eye contact or talk to me I grimace like I smell an awful odor. He hates it but he has no leverage. But, who in “sam hell” wants to live like this? I don’t. I am including your tips and points my game just got even tighter.
Please know I am deathly afraid sometimes. I do fear for my life at times. But, sometimes I just can’t lay there and take his crap. I do what I do only because I need to survive until I can get my footing on the next level. I speak up when necessary and I shut up when necessary.
However, strong I am…it’s an awful way to live and I am better than this.
I do recognize you may not have meant it that way. Typing looses inflection of voice and facial expressions. This post is not only about me. It’s about all of us so I want to chat away hoping someone will find a nugget in here to help them, too.
(one day you will say “I am leaving TODAY!!)…I see the plane in the sky already skywriting: “FREE AT LAST!!!”
you need to make small steps everyday..Oh yes!
Know that you deserve so much better in your life!!! 🙂 THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!
Very long post but I think it will help you (all victims of these demons from the pit of the fiery lake) laugh, cry and take just one more step forward.
Game on!
“Please know I am deathly afraid sometimes. I do fear for my life at times.”
Of course, you do. When it comes down to it, we are in grave physical danger. These ppl are WITHOUT boundaries. They can turn at any moment. They have no conscience to answer to later or prevent them from going too far, just once even.
A basement is better than death. Bussing or getting rides to work is better than death. Having your kids be a little up in the air emotionally is better than death. They are already crazed by the whole mess, dear–remember that.
Please dont let logistics keep you there a minute longer. Living in a bad part of town for a time, is still LIVING.
I want you alive!
I know also logistics can be a scapegoat for just not wanting to face the DRAMA you know is coming. To keep it at bay a little longer, to do it “later”. We have all been thru ur mental chaos and know how hard it is to leave, even once u think u’ve left emotionally already. It is sooooo hard.
You can get thru this, you are so strong to have gotten thru what you did already. You will make it ~hugs~
aintgonnatakeitnomore,
Thank you so much. I hear you all the way. This frustrates me so much that every time I think I figured it out another angle pokes it’s head. I’ve been to domestic violence and called over 50 resources they gave me to no avail. I didn’t meet any of the places with various restrictions or rules. The person at domestic violence has kept in touch.
Here’s an angle I ran into…
Remember these people are master manipulators. No one else sees or experiences what I do. Not even the kids for the most part. To everyone but me, there really isn’t a problem (besides those I confided in who are in no position to take on me and my kids).
So, I leave and take my kids to a shelter. He’s the one with the largest income. The breadwinner. Since I left I don’t have a stable roof over my head. I go for divorce. I loose custody because I am living in a shelter and he’s better positioned to provide a stable healthy environment for the kids.
A lawyer has advised me that me leaving can work against me by some judges.
My experiences can’t be proved in a court of law. That’s why these people exist among us.
Honestly, I have no excuses to stay. I’ve faced other awful things in my life. Black is black and white is white for me. There have been periods of “what?”, but once I am clear on my decision I go for it.
So, hears the deal. I am objectively unable to support myself and my children independently. Me walking out the door in this manner very likely will tip the scales in his favor.
There’s no physical child abuse. The older ones know something is amiss but lack the life experience to make sense of it. We’re adults and we’re still trying to figure it out. The kids are doing very well academically and socially.
I’ve never experienced this specific situation so there may be options I am unaware of.
Me being afraid for my life to the extent that I walk out the door with nothing and with kids can not be proven in a court of law.
It’s a mess…I know.
Think about it. We are all here because we have all been bull dozed by emotional and psychological tyrants who sometimes make it physical. But, it can’t be proven (for the most part). Many of us here have lost dear family and friends because of these people. We end up looking like we are absolutely crazy.
The logistics are different for each of us. All of our situations are different but we have one commonality.
If I could prove to a court of law, who ultimately will determine with whom my kids will live, these experiences, I would.
I want to clarify something.
Our instincts are to be open, to love, to share, to smile, to laugh and instinctively appreciate other human beings for the gifts they impart on our lives. This does not make us weak at all.
Their instincts are to watch and destroy.
Just as we are very good at what we do, so are they. None of us are weak. Don’t blame yourself for anything. We don’t expect small children to be able to drive. It’s an experience they’ve never had such as what we are suffering. We must educate ourselves, find therapeutic ways of growing and developing ourselves to contribute to our and others lives moving forward.
We are all amazing and awesome!
Hi Ironiclife, sounds like you have done a lot of things to move your life forward. When I was in my tornado (my marriage) I honestly was so emotionally, mentally, physically broken down that I needed someone to give me a list of things that help them to leave or things they wish they would have done to get out sooner. I felt like a robot, zombie stepford life…the old me would never have needed an action plan from someone else but at that time I did so badly need someone to scoop me up and take me out of the fire. No one ever did because I was so isolated and I dear not tell anyone what was going on out of fear that my h (ex now) would harm me. So now I post things that might help someone leave their situation.
I get that you are afraid of the financial side…I think that is the hardest part for women having to stick out their relationship..this is exactly why the abuser manipulates the victims to have total control over them financially so they can not leave. But know that everyday that you stay is another day you will need to heal once you are out.
In order to stay 10 steps ahead of your abuser you need to plan the financial side out meaning plan ahead for divorce court. Here are some things to think about:
1) You can in your very first court motion (divorce filing) request Temporary alimony and temporary child support equivalent to your current finically status. To find out more call your local court house and request info on these two things. Or better if there is a state university near by go to their library and read up on these things. This is where your friends/family journals and as witnesses of the abuse you are enduring come into play. The judge will take others words seriously as it will eliminate the he said/she said (husband said/wife said) issues now you have witnesses to the abuse you told them about. Think about too getting a restraining order the same day as you filing your divorce.
You can also request that your car be put in your name and have him continue to pay the car payments. The judge then will say you are to drive such and such car, and your ex such and such car…and in the court papers you can ask for your ex to pay car insurance, gas etc…have a stipulation that if he does not pay the car insurance he will need to give the court the full amount of insurance money for the entire year. Think about stipulations ahead of time…if he does not do this then this will need to occur with in 10 days time etc.
This is something you will have to mentally and physically just do…it’s not going to be easy to get the motivation to do all of this hard work. But know that it is soooo worth it in the long run.
2) How to get him to pay child support etc…immediately have the court garnish his wages put this in that first court order or his say 401k plan. Then have the court hold the money or a lawyers escrow account to pay you month out of that fund. Then there is no issues with having to take your ex to court for the funds
3) PLAN PLAN PLAN now for your future divorce…it will be a nightmare to deal with him if you dont….I equate divorce from a sociopath as the bottom of hell…the marriage being hell. I did not plan ahead enough in this phase and I ended up mentally exhausted from all of his games in court. This is why it is important to plan ahead.
4) Find out know who the best lawyer who is extremely knowledgable with narcissist abuse then send a letter to that lawyer certified now to say when you are ready to leave you will be using them for their services. Do the same for the other top lawyers in your county…this way you have blocked him from using the best lawyers in your town. You have to beat him at his own game…divorce is a game…as much as well all hate games this is when you have to play hard ball.
5) Read the site Onemomsbattle.com/her books divorcing a narcissist/ask questions on fb pg One moms battle. One moms battle deals with all of the court issues a victim of a narcissist has to battle in court for…this site is truly a god sent to navigate the divorce courts.
6) When you do file divorce papers also get it in that court order that a mental evaluation on your husband needs to be done asap…ask on One moms battle for more info on this. This is a must! This is your way of protecting yourself long term with the courts as you can just refer back to his mental eval order regarding his behavior.
7) Read Finical divorce books…one that I bought was Divorce & Money by Nolo…you can find these at your local big box book stores or library.
It’s not easy to leave…When I was push to my limit in my 12 year marriage I would say I am done I am out of here right now…but then he would be nice, or get into a rage at me that I would be so mentally exhausted that I could not even think what I wanted for dinner let alone to think about packing up things and leaving.
My biggest regret when I left and found out from a counselor exactly who my ex was…was that I did not leave sooner and I did not listen to my gut from the second I met him!!
I looking forward to seeing that plane skywriting “Ironiclife is FREE AT LAST”!!!!
Take care!
IronicLife – good morning (here). I am reaching out to you today to send prayers and support. I am not out either and also in the midst of making plans. It is going much slower and many more snags that I thought there would be, so I *know* how you feel. It is draining and I wanted to validate your experience – I am right there with you.
You are not alone – I am thinking of you and praying for you today. One thing that is working for me right now is “gray rock” – showing no emotion to the spath. If that helps you in your situation – use it. Very best wishes to you.
OpalRose,
Love the name. All I see is beauty when I read that…so refreshing from the muckity muck that these spaths force on us everyday. I love the term “gray rock”. I am an analytical person and need to be able to refer to things in one to two words. I think I’ve upped it to “black rock”. Not because I am a big bad momma, but because I am a fighter and my bloodline is one of strength. Honestly, I am insulted that he would even try this BS with me. I’ve even told my spath, “You don’t have even an ounce of respect for yourself to come up with a better lie than that? I am ashamed to be married to someone who lies on the level of a two-year old.”
But, no matter how strong I am no one can hold their defenses up all of the time. I used to think, “I know I am too good for this and much more intelligent than this idiot…yet I find myself here crying, yelling, angry, frustrated.” The strong are attacked as well as the weak. These spath attacks are no indication of our level of character. Is a zebra “weak” because it was caught by a lion? Do we say, “Man, that is one dumb ass zebra?” No we don’t. These monsters are predatory in nature. They sit an watch and then attack. What are we going to do? Never socialize or have a good time because we don’t know if there’s a spath in the midst, lying in the bush waiting to attack? No we must live but, we must be smart about it. One thing that separates humans from animals is the fact that humans can think critically. We can analyze situations and make adjustments as necessary on the fly. Animals predominately work off a hard wired instinct. When the drought is at it’s height the elephant still goes to the mud puddle where crocodiles await and other predators are milling around because “elephant need water…elephant must drink.” A human would analyze, plan and almost die of thirst before taking those risks. Although, it may not seem like it, these spaths are hard wired like animals. They operate from a base instinct to destroy and they can’t help it. So, we have to plan, think, analyze and execute. Let’s use their predatory nature against them. Watch animal shows, especially those about the plains of Africa, on National Geographic and see how animals do seemingly dumb things (not all but most) out of instinct. Then apply that knowledge to these spaths. They’re animals. I learn the behavior of animals and I find I can read my spath. Does anyone go to war without studying their opponent’s thinking, methods of attack, even their budget? Nope. We study our opponents. I’ve never cared for the game of chess because it takes too long and requires deep thinking and strategy. This is the largest chessboard I’ve ever seen…my life. The hell with…Game on! Let’s do this people. We are awesome!!
To: NotWhatHeSaidofMe
You are right in that ex-abuser did not succeed in totally destroying me. He did a major dent though. I thought I was better until I met the next guy recently. I realized I’m not well. I am still so damaged and I think this guy saw this and he started to erode my self-esteem too. It will be four year anniversary this July 4 since I left my ex-abuser. Just to meet another guy four years later who is expecting me to pay more than I can afford to pay. It started out great, but it lasted only two weeks. The guy really has helped me out with projects on my property, but I can’t afford to pay money too. If I had the money to pay this I would, but I find that I am too strapped to pay my house insurance and property taxes since I met him. and then next thing car insurance will be due again. He claims to make $3000.00 per month. My monthly income is $750.00. When I try to explain my limited income he gets crappy and says everyone has bills. And, he said recently that he cut a huge load of firewood to sell it, yet he didn’t bring enough money and he said Saturday night out is McDonalds, and by Sunday he asked me to buy his beer and cigarettes. It was so humiliating the way he went about it. We were at my local grocery store at check-out counter. He put his arm around my shoulders and asked me to pay for his beer and cigarettes. I was so embarrassed that people who see this, and know that I’m with yet another loser. I quickly agreed just to get out of there! I was mortified!
I feel so stupid cause the guy isn’t a cute boy-toy. He is a gnarly old man, and I’m buying???????????????????
I totally agree with Jan7. Make your plans on the sly. Never let your husband know what you are up to. Abusive people are quite calculating and they know how to turn everything around on you. The guy could have you put in jail cause he is that good.
I wasn’t able to leave my abusive husband until my kids were in school full time. Cause back then the shelters offered nothing much. They may still not offer a lot because of budget cuts. I’m not trying to tell anyone to stay in abuse. But, I am saying to make sure you have a fool-proof plan before you leave, or you will go back in desperation. Can you imagine how bad he will be once he realizes your not afraid to leave?
Make sure you have good coverage with road assistance for your car. Cause he will be tampering with your car, and if he is that crazy he might be tampering with your best friends car.
Make sure your kids school has a copy of the court papers stating that you are the custodial parent. And, that dad is only allowed to pick up kids if you say so. And, if you are terribly hurt in a accident that only your best girlfriend can pick up kids, and not your ex.
And, something I never thought of. Have your friends write letters of character reference for you. My ex-husband claimed, during our divorce, that I think I’m god’s gift to man. It worked like a charm, to turn the court against me. My ex had me pushed up against a wall. My ex was the well dressed ladies man. He made sure he didn’t have a hair out of place. I was the raggedy scrub woman who followed him in tow, with my hands always full, and with our kids hanging on my shirt tails. Yet, he got the court believing I thought I was a sex goddess.
downwitfakerastas,
The new guy I met doesn’t do that stare down. Instead he rolls his eyes, and shakes his head in disapproval. Or does that little laugh and then shoots me down.
And, to think that it was just weeks ago that I was ok being alone and very happy and getting things done. Now I’m feeling tormented, and harassed, and very much alone.
Then again, I take that back. he did do that stare down when I didn’t shut my kitchen cabinet door. And he did that stare down again when I didn’t empty my lint trap on my dryer. It didn’t matter that it was a busy week with roofing contractor out and we had to pitch in labor and I was washing bf clothes and my clothes and I got behind. NO EXCUSE he said, it could cause a lint fire in dryer. Do I really need to be called on the carpet?
We must never ever forget that no matter where we are in our fight with sociopaths we eventually triumph and life will get better .
Thank you for this post. I’ve just joined this page and was hoping to write a longer piece on my own experience, but didn’t find the link to start a new thread.
universallove…you may write anywhere you like. We would love to hear from you.
Dear all,
Sharing my story has given me the strength and the encouragement to move forward in my life despite the chaos with the spath I married. For many, many years, I hid the truth of my life behind the illusions of a “perfect” life and marriage he showed to the world (and I readily complied in spite of what I knew) because it was easier to do so than not. I did not want to admit to myself or anyone that I had made a mistake or had been conned. Shame, embarrassment, anger (at myself mostly) and abject confusion controlled me and my ability to formally leave and end it. Once I actively admitted it openly, I started to move forward even though progress was slow at first. Now progress is accelerating as I traverse the divorce process.
My marriage ended many years ago but I stayed tied to him out of fear and exhaustion. I was ill and tired on every possible level. Drained and devoid of any energy would better describe how I felt at that time. Though I was able to acknowledge and take ownership of my own contributions to the failure of our marriage, I was tired of his inability to do the same. More importantly, I was tired of fighting a fight that was never ending; tired of being blamed for virtually everything that went wrong in our marriage; tired of feeling broken down, beaten down and wounded; tired of his lies, denials and delusions of grandeur coupled with his enormous sense of entitlement; tired of being his scapegoat, his target for public humiliation; tired of experiencing the shame I felt privately; tired of being told what to do, what I could not do, who I could see or couldn’t; what I could think, feel or believe. I knew there were issues all along; I lived and breathed them – felt them at the core of my being for many, many years. And yet, even though my own anger and resentment grew, I couldn’t leave…could not actively seek a divorce. I was paralyzed and stymied by the emotional quicksand that had submerged my life and my energy.
My spath left me in the guise of my wanting him to leave. I didn’t in all actuality, but he coerced me into creating this illusion so that he could blame me for it in the end. As we traverse a nasty divorce, my prediction that this would be the case has come true. I am not all that surprised by this, as he is pathetically predictable in every way, shape and form. Be that as it may, his departure helped me to heal and gain some measure of perspective in my life. Not hearing him scream at me over and over again has helped me to calm myself. Not walking on eggshells wondering who would meet me at the door has also helped, but the damage was done. The despair I felt in reinventing myself and my life – after having lost everything literally – was overpowering for me. That I got up every day and went to work, and managed to thrive there even still, was a miracle. Inner strength remained underneath the rubble of my life and feelings.
What I have learned in these years apart from him is that he would inevitably stumble and trip over himself. He believed that he knew me; believed that he knew how to predict my behavior in response to his actions, but that arrogance failed him. He didn’t know that I have watched him steadily like a hawk, digesting his every action and behavior as if he were under the microscope; didn’t know that I had my own plan of action. As intelligent as he is, he isn’t as smart as he thinks he is.
In the end, I have learned a lot from this experience, mostly about myself and what I need and don’t need in my life.
Will I get through it? Yes, I will. I may be damaged. I may be tired. I may be sad and exhausted, but I will prevail.
With every best wish to everyone…
I am not going to be damaged. I am VERY damaged. Im going to get over that. That is what I’ve decided. It’s a pretty good goal I think. The first goal I’ve ever made that is totally dependent on me. All other goals are other-dependent once you have responsibilites such as serious bf, let alone husband, children, aging/handicapped parents (you mite never even get to be responsibility-free if you’ve got handicapped parent(s) from your teen years). You may be CAPABLE and WILLING to do what it takes to do A, B or C but if you’re not *free* to, you just can’t. You could even try and “succeed” in some fashion, but what will most likely happen is you will injure yourself, physically or mentally. I read and listen to so many overachievers who make themselves ILL and take a decade or more to heal. The medical system in the States is ridiculous. Forcing interns to work 48 hr shifts, 120 hrs a week for several years. It’s not right.
Anyway, this is something that I can work on, little by little, in odd moments or occasional splurges of gifted-time. I can do it with life happening still. I can get rid of the damage.
When I read your words, that you may be damaged, it set these thots off in me. I made a goal 🙂
Roar – good for you. I’m so glad that you’re moving forward. Stay strong.
To Roar2014: My ex would come home for lunch. (cause his job of heating/AC kept him local in the neighborhood) He was an emotional vampire who would bore me out of my mind complaining about his customers and saying how stupid they are cause they don’t know how to fix their own furnace. He would leave me feeling so exhausted that I just wanted to nap, but I had small children to tend to. Well, he told me that the number one reason for a NO Heat Call is kids are playing in the basement and the kids turned off the furnace switch. Well, when my husband was removed from the house by the police and he got visitation. He used his visitation to get back at me. He would purposely show up early to pick up kids so I wasn’t watching him cause I was hurrying the kids along. He turned off the furnace switch. It was winter. The house didn’t start to get cold until about 1/2 hour after he picked up kids. The furnace didn’t kick in. I told myself DON’T PANIC. I went down in the basement, didn’t know what I was looking for. I looked over the furnace, and noticed that a switch that looks like a light switch was on the front of the furnace. It was off. I flipped the switch and the furnace kicked in. I had to chuckle, cause I knew that he thought I would be calling him crying for his help. So I never said a word. I was cackling thinking about him sitting by his phone twiddling his thumbs waiting for my call. To this day I never said a word to him about it. Hey, I listened to all his long boring stories about his job and he never knew that he was teaching me how to defend myself against his ruthless tactics.
jeannie812,
I am dying with laughter…yes laughter…because I’ve had similar experiences with my spath. Sometimes I think to myself, “Wow, that’s your best shot?” The irony (if you’ll notice my name) is that they aren’t overly intelligent. Actually, my spath is a bit of a moron. They function on “play…repeat” and they can’t break the cycle. That’s why they manipulate and operate in confusion because once we sit and observe it all becomes clear (painful, but clear nonetheless). I don’t even confront my spath anymore (yes,still here and working on leaving…in the words of my seven year old…”Don’t judge me”… ;))
When he does say something moronic I literally chuckle or look out into space as if I am seeking an answer. These people are driven by pure evil. They aim to destroy anything of beauty.
But, we ARE intelligent. We ARE beautiful. I don’t mind being broken…broken can be fixed. Might need some duct tape, but what they hell…since we suffered this crap may as well be even better on the other end. I look at it like this (only because I’m going through it. I would derail anyone I saw possibly approaching such this HellBound Express…no way…no one should have to suffer like this), if a butterfly is helped from its cocoon it dies. Why? The struggle of breaking free initiates and facilitates blood flow to its wings thus strengthens the butterfly for its first flight…in essence, preparing it for survival. Since we’ve been trapped in this cocoon of hell, let’s fight our way out to come out even more beautiful than we started!
Luv You All…truly…Smooches and hugs…stay strong
Listen to this one. The guy was working a story on me all day today. He left message early in afternoon asking if I still wanted to go to fireworks tonight (first time I had heard from him in days) He also said in message that tree fell on his wood splitter. I got his message and called back and left message. He got back with me a little later. He asked if I got his pictures. I asked what is he talking about. He really didn’t seem to want to tell me what the pictures were about. I was busy and insisted on knowing if these pictures were important, important enough for me to turn on computer when I was BUSY. Then he told me the pictures were of tree falling on his splitter. Keep in mind that this is 2:00 in afternoon. He insisted I look at the pictures. As he hinting around that this may take him all day. I wasn’t having it. He has disappointed me too many times. The splitter is on his property, it’s not like it’s on someone elses property. Then he called me at 6:00pm and said he still hasn’t figured out the splitters situation and will have to cancel out and how about next weekend? I said I will think about it. He hesitated and then tried to make it up to me with more promises for next weekend. I said no. He then said he will try his best to make it here tonight for the 10:00pm fireworks. Well, of course he never showed up, and no call. I missed the fireworks and he better never step foot on my property or I will cut off his two inch weenie.