Most of us at Lovefraud are here because we’ve been conned, duped, deceived and betrayed by a sociopath. Once we finally figure out what we are dealing with, many of us do not tell other people what really happened. We do not talk about our experiences with sociopaths. After all, it’s embarrassing to admit that no, we didn’t see it coming, and yes, we fell for the scam. And if we do venture to describe the sociopath’s true behavior, we may be met by disbelief. “What? That charming person couldn’t possibly have done that. You must have misinterpreted.”
We quickly learn that people do not understand what we are talking about. Either they don’t believe us, or ostracize us. So we stop talking. We try to hide what happened, even from ourselves.
Not talking about our experiences with sociopaths has two effects:
- Our pain is bottled up within us, impeding our own recovery
- The world does not learn just how many social predators are living in our midst
Talking about it
After my appearance on ABC 20/20 back in 2014, I received an email from a Lovefraud reader who wrote:
I watched the show last night and somehow it unleashed several hidden emotions and feelings which I tried to bury regarding my situation. My healing has begun slowly month by month and I am now learning how not to be so hard on myself and be more cautious with my future relationships…
This reader experienced a release because someone else who was targeted told her story.
Katherine Underwood suffered tremendously at the hands of Budimir Drakulic, who took more than $410,000 from her. I know for a fact that it was very difficult for Katherine to do the TV show. Anyone who watched could see that she became emotional on several occasions.
Still, Katherine did it. And sharing her story likely helped thousands of other people.
When we talk about our experiences with sociopaths, when we stand up and say, “yes, this happened to me,” it helps other people who have been targeted realize that they are not alone. This can go a long way towards recovery.
Our own healing
Talking about our experiences with sociopaths also helps our own healing. When we share what happened, we are no longer carrying the burden of our pain all by ourselves.
A big reason why it’s often so difficult to recover from the devastation of the sociopath is that we feel so isolated, like no one really understands what we experienced.
Unfortunately, often our perception on this is correct. People do not understand what happened. That’s why a community like Lovefraud is so important everyone who reads and posts here does understand.
To know that someone truly empathizes with us is extremely validating. Especially when a sociopath has been calling us “crazy” and “mentally unbalanced,” validation can be truly helpful to our recovery.
Breaking the silence
When we discover that we’ve been duped by a sociopath, among the multitude of unpleasant emotions we feel are shame and embarrassment. Talking about what happened increases our shame and embarrassment, so we don’t do it.
Our silence, unfortunately, benefits the particular sociopath we were involved with, along with all the other sociopaths who prowl the planet. Because we don’t talk about our experiences with sociopaths, society doesn’t know they exist, and they continue to get away with their manipulation and deceit.
Yes, sociopaths are in our midst. Sometimes they look scary, but usually they don’t — they seem to be just like the rest of us, at least at first. They’re attentive and charming. They appear to be our best friend, or a pillar of the community.
Even a guy named Budimir Drakulic, the man who conned Katherine Underwood, was able to pass himself off as trustworthy.
Back in 1994, when Katherine met Drakulic, there was even less awareness of sociopaths than there is now. Today, if nothing else, all of us at Lovefraud at least know that they exist.
Spreading the word
Let’s spread the word.
Talking about our experiences with sociopaths can accomplish three things:
- Helping someone else recognize that they’re involved with a predator
- Helping our own recovery by sharing the burden of our experience
- Warning the rest of the world about the predators who live among us
We should educate ourselves about this personality disorder, and when the opportunity arises, talk about our experiences with sociopaths. It may not always be safe to talk about our personal situation. But we can share general information. We can send someone a link to Lovefraud.
Knowledge is power. The first step in protecting ourselves from sociopaths is knowing that they exist.
Maybe I could get my daughters dog to bite him in the Butt!! LOL I like your idea too.
atozmom, I like your idea too!
atozmom and jeannie812,
ok…ok…ladies I know we are all frustrated. BUT, thanks for the laughs. Oh my goodness…I am in tears laughing. I laugh a lot lately. I actually take pain reliever when I know I am going to laugh…hard…why not? Thanks so much for the mega giggles…
Jeannie812,
Isn’t that the way they always do us? It’s pathetic. The ridiculous stories they come up with. Every word out of their mouth is a lie. Always. No matter what. Yet, I always get my hopes up. Ugh.
Next year, you will see the fireworks. Next year, with someone that cares about you. 🙂
HopingToHeal, yeah, I hope I will make it to next years fireworks. Thank you for the kind words.
And, the point is that fireworks are endeared by some but not by all, and if you love fireworks it is SUPER important. If I decided not to go by my own choice that would be one thing, but to miss it cause my “boyfriend” decided that it is not important to take me is a super pisser. He still hasn’t called. I would think he knows it’s over, but then again he is a bit arrogant so he may think I’m just mad and I’ll get over it. Well, no, I am lining up the plans for next weekend.
Hi, All. I’m new to this whole blog thing and have found that reading your stories are a tremendous help to me. I feel blessed to get out this relationship so soon (my heart goes out to those who’ve lived in this hell for so long), but I feel so lost right now and the soonest therapy appointment I can get through my health insurance isn’t until Aug 7th. I can’t wait that long I feel crazy. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I know I need to start healing but I’m having such a difficult time with this coping process. I feel all consumed. I’m afraid to talk to our mutual friends because I’m worried they won’t believe me. He’s told me he’s going to spread lies about me (if that’s the worst of it I’m fine with that). I’m hoping for some insight or at least to get some strength by sharing my story on this site.
I recently got out of a relationship with a sociopath (almost two months ago). He’s been trying to get me back since then even though I have stated not to contact me, which of course why would he stop when I have weak moments and respond?? I didn’t figure out many of his lies until just a couple of weeks ago. Turns out he’s a cocaine addict and I found pictures of him on Craigslist requesting oral sex from men. The lies go on and on… He’s led a secret life in the past (had two relationships at once for a year) and I knew about it. He of course told me about this over time, slowly releasing the details. He convinced me it wouldn’t happen again because he hurt so many people (aka, “I’ll be more careful to not be caught next time!”).
He won’t leave me alone. He’s blocked on everything but email. Most of his messages are ’I love you’ and ’want to marry you’, ’Why are you doing this to me?’, ’I’m the best man in the world’, blah blah blah. But I’m actually frightened and worried about my safety. We argued a lot during our relationship because he would randomly bring up past crimes (mostly theft) and his unregistered gun (he knew I hated that he had it). It was like every time I’d stop questioning him and feel comfortable in our relationship he would say something crazy, say random/hurtful comments and brag about his shady past, including all of the revenge he’s gotten on people (with or without them knowing about it). And it was always poor him”. He always kept me on an emotional roller coaster. He even once told me that he yelled at a previous therapist because she said she thought he had a drug problem and was a sociopath. I threatened to leave but of course he told me she was a stupid bitch and convinced me to look past it. I’ve learned through my research on sociopath’s that he’s textbook. I recently called him out on it (not wise of me, I know)”he’s says he is a sociopath and is in reform (this actually makes me laugh). He’s says he lies and manipulates everyone, but me (again, funny). He said the only thing he manipulated me about was to get me to want to marry him. I believe he would’ve married me. When I asked him why he wanted to get married he responded that “that’s what normal people do.” I’ve tried no contact and keep failing. I want answers I know I’m not going to get (I know there’s no winning with him). I’m just so hurt and feel so alone. My friends and family are supporting me but they don’t really get it. I know that eventually I’ll get the hang of this no contact thing”
Here’s what’s really bothering me”we went to high school together and had the same friends. I didn’t talk to him because I thought he was a loser and creepy. Reconnecting a couple of years ago I couldn’t believe what I was thinking in high school because he’s so charismatic and fun! Anyway, he would tell me stories like he hated me in college (I didn’t even know we went to college together!) because I wouldn’t say hi to him in the hallways. I’m a nice person, if I recognize someone from my past I say hi! In January he sent me a picture of me at high school prom with my date (he hates my date with a passion). He said he thought it was so funny and weird that he had it and by random found it in his condo. I didn’t question it at the time. Like I said early, he gets revenge on everyone! Especially people that hurt him and “abandoned” him, even from people as far back as childhood. I think he has it out for me and has for a long time”I’m worried that it’s been almost 20yrs since then. I feel like I’m crazy for thinking that he’s had it out for me for so long but I just can’t shake it. I’m worried for my safety (and looking back at the gun talk I know now that it was an intimidation tool). If he has in fact has had it out for me for this long, what next?
wow…I DO get it!…there is just those odd creepy things they do…guess it is a gut feeling we don’t know quite what to do with…I had that same fear…I think the contact I had was partly to know where he was…if I should be worried about my safety…things like that….and sharing that info is tricky…we tell someone we are a little scared of them…then we are still in contact with the SPath….I had a friend say…actually write me in a letter….that she would no longer talk about him with me again…door closed shut on any support or understanding there! Mine brought someone else’s gun in his camper when he came out to my state….he showed me which was strange…I broke things off after he left…he was supposed to move to my area….but wierd things happened when he was at his place….hung up on me….seemed like he created a situation…I wondered what he was going to do with the gun…why he had it???
There is the part that is so fun and feels normal….we have a heck of a time convincing our hearts….giving up what felt so good…so right….and then they try to draw us back…with the “Ilove you”…..So much just is NOT love…We DO know that…with our minds…
TDS79….keep talking to those who hear you ….YOu will need the support…
God’s Grace….
Thanks for your response, grace. I really needed that. I’m especially grateful to you because I’ve needed a good cry and haven’t been able to. I definitely cried after reading your response. I’m not alone!! I just have so many emotions going on… You bringing up contacting your spath out of fear clicked with me. I want to know if he’s around and make sure he’s not anywhere me! I suppose it probably does confuse my family and friends that I’ve been in contact with him even though he scares me…Telling friends has been tricky and I’ve been pretty selective. I did tell one of our mutual friends. Mainly because my spath hated him for years and now they’re suddenly best friends again and hanging out all of the time. My friend is a sweet guy and I’m worried about him, but it’s all falling on deaf ears….I know I need to worry about myself and care for myself right now but it’s so hard thinking of the all the hurt he is going to cause in the future…. And his stupid gun….ARGH! It’s so frustrating. He would casually bring it up at the most random times…First it was, “I know you hate it so I’m going to turn it into the police”. Then in was “It’s in storage” or “A friend has it” and “I have my gun back now.” WTH?! The good news is that he’s lived in the same city all of his life and none of his exes have been physically harmed (at least not to my knowledge), so there’s that….
I read your other post. 10 months! Congrats! I bet that’s a wonderful feeling (most of the time)…I assume it’s normal for all of us to have weak moments. Their BS responses are so sickening! Will this pain ever end? I’m so new in this and feel like I’m stuck in a nightmare…..Time heals all wounds, right? I hope for our sake this is true.
Yes! and they say Time wounds all heals!!!! It is a crazy-making nightmare…..!!It is hard because ending any relationship involves grief….but the bonds with these kind of people are so strong….grief has stages …I must be in the anger stage…I must have gotten complacent about guarding my mind to have allowed any contact…At times I have seen in me an amazing strength…not of myself …and I have been able to function and accomplish great things…and feel peace….I find it amazing that my mind can still recall things so vividly that he said or did…when I can forget other things so easily….like where did I park the car!!!LOL!!!
I am reminded of how hurt I was ….and the tears….let the tears fall….
TDS79
you have support here
Grace, your journey of recovery gives me hope. Did you find anything in particular that helped put you at ease those first few months? I feel like I’m in a fog right now”all I can think about is my spath/situation”going over and over every detail, trying to understand, even though I know it’s not my fault. I’m in so much pain. I’ve never felt pain quite like this (and I went through a hell of a divorce in the past!). The closest I can describe how I feel is if I’ve been literally burned”not a light burn from a stove that gives instant pain”but the terrible burn that is numb at first and then excruciating. I just don’t understand what’s happening to me”. I know that I’m not caring for myself”not eating, drinking more than normal, etc. I feel like I’m taking small steps to be kind to myself some days but then there are days, like today, that I slip back into this dark hole. It’s horrible and I know better”I know how to be positive but I can’t seem to get control over myself. I want to be angry”I want to take control of my life so that I win and he doesn’t!! It’s almost like I’m more angry with myself right now than I am him”.this is all sooo confusing. And what really sucks is that he broke up with me, tells me “I’m blaming you” and is trying to get me back so that I marry him!!!! Not to mention he’s pursuing men!!!!! It makes me sick. I want to stop focusing on these small details”.I just want ME back!
Good news, at least I’m crying my eyes out as I write this, so that’s something…..
Gosh I remember that!…when things are recalled over and over….in our mind….I called it PTSD…because truly there is trauma involved…and that is what happens in our brains!….I really felt angry at myself …for so many things…that is part of it…at first I just had a knowing that in order to survive ..I had to believe everything was a lie …that he is a sociopath… and a lier…I read the stories here …but sometimes it would cause so much fear…and a pit in my stomach….i would stop….because it was not something I was aware of…and it seemed to me there were a lot of them out there! I know it is already going to be hard to ever trust again….and after all… I had been duped!!!…I focused on truth …things I knew were true…about God…His promises….A friend shared essential oils too…Ones that really help with stopping the thoughts…were “Balance…Serenity…Citrus Bliss” those are Oil Blends…by doTERRA…have you tried them ??…I used them a lot…in fact I am sure that I have not used them lately as I have been busy and outside….I better put them on me tonight…I used some for sleep….If I woke in the night the thoughts would start …then I could not sleep…They are amazing !!! and all natural…!!!
I taped things to the mirror …encouragement…I read …..
To quote Max Lucado…..
You’ll get through this. It won’t be painless. It won’t be quick. But God will use this mess for good. In the meantime, don’t be foolish or naive. But don’t despair either. With God’s help you will get through this.
So many times I would cry out….even now…I can’t Do THIS!! help! when nothing makes any sense of what is true….It help KNOWING that HE is TRUE!
I totally understand, aimee2. I just found out about many lies only a couple of weeks ago. Up until yesterday I couldn’t really cry and desperately wanted to. I hope you get to have that relief soon…spiritual cleansing is how I look at it…let the tears flow! I’ve just been going through the motions…many times I feel like I’m walking around not even in my body. I mostly feel frustrated (beyond belief), hurt, and exhausted, like you. There are just so many answers I want and I know I won’t get….
It’s crazy to think how similar the stories are on here. What a blessing this forum is! My spath is textbook. It’s like they all follow the same rule book and put their individual twists on things depending on their victim. I’m just trying to take small steps and forgive myself for not moving along faster or for backsliding a bit. It helps to share stories. You are not alone!
When will I feel better? How long until I don’t care that he’s married, or that she’s moving into my old home? He did a lot of crappy things to me, yet I still feel like I need to text him and call him, and try to make him feel bad for what he’s done. The only thing that happens is that I feel worse after speaking to him. I’m so mad at myself for not moving on and still caring. I cry almost daily and I feel bad for my son. Why can’t I just get angry and move on?
tforgeo It will happen. When… no one can answer that, but it will happen. Of course you are bombarded with feelings right now. You have been through an ordeal. You need time to heal. Healing takes getting all of that icky stuff you internalized out of you and it sucks! My therapist kept saying that “the only way out is through.” I hated that saying. She was right though.
You will be going through your life and one day you will realize how far you have come. It will hit you out of the blue that while you have been doing your own thing that you haven’t thought about him. You will realize that he no longer occupies valuable space in your head. You will have other things, people, and experiences that have filled that space.
I know the day I realized that I had not thought about mine in so long that I couldn’t remember when the last time I had one of those thoughts had been. It was a really good feeling! Understand, to get to that feeling there were a whole slew of other feelings that came first. I continue to be thankful for the patience of family and friends who put up with me through all of it. My son turned out to be a great guy in spite of my lack of full function in his early years.
In my journey, I was numb for the first six months, angry for two years after that, and then I gradually moved on. I learned to love myself and be comfortable in my own skin. I tested the waters so to speak. Eventually, I learned to trust again. When I finally had space in my life and was in a good place, my current husband came along. He turned out to be just the right guy for me.
Your process will be your own. No one can tell you how long it will take. What many of us can tell you is that it does get better and better and better. Hang in there!
There are alot things that you can do to feel you have some say over the grieving process because isn’t that what is the hardest about it? That we feel like we don’t have much control over it?
I’ll give you some ideas and for sure, other bloggers will do so, too. Some ideas will suit you, others won’t and that’s okay: Gotta use the ideas that fit best for you.
#1 Believe that there is nothing uniquely flawed about you that will deny you healing. You have seen and know enough people who have survived a divorce that they didn’t want to come through happy later. Understand that they didn’t believe that was possible either. Do not make what is happening to you be a sign that something is flawed about you.
#2 Hurt is hurt. Pain is pain. While those feel insurmountable, try thinking this way: That you will do and can do some things that go into living well while still carrying the hurt and pain. You already know the price of being swallowed up by it: To have had nothing to show for a day (days) wiled away under it and to just feel worse off for it. So push through to do a couple of things for your life or your son’s life despite the pain. And credit yourself for that. At the end of the day, you will feel better.
#3 Resist the temptation to call him anymore. Write letters when the temptation is great… Write instead. And write the most stirring opus you can. You’ll find rather quickly into the opus you intended to create that you’re tired and so, tomorrow, you’ll finish it or start another… To wind up, in the end, not finishing any one of them and not wanting to read them yourself.
#4 Use the opus writing as a reward, as twisted as it may be: You get to write only if you accomplished something in your day.
#5 What you accomplish must be something that is satisfying to you and it isn’t a big thing but more an everyday thing.
#6 As much as the world around you feels intimidating or smacks as going on and leaving you in the dust, when you step out into it, put your game face on and engage with anyone you can: The store clerk, the co-worker, the garbage man, the parent, the teacher, etc. in short takes. Nothing long, nothing heavy. And anyone who can distract you for a little while from your pain is to be enjoyed. Healing takes rest. Rest from all that bangs around in your head. You’re looking at these small engagements as giving you a moment’s rest and every moment counts.
#7 Remind yourself of this: Your ex broke up a family. He done did that because he’s a boy; the feel good type. And you know all about what that meant to be around. She got the boy and you got paroled to have a second chance at finding yourself a man as we need them to be: To stand up to their obligations and to protect their families. You were her once, starry eyed in the throes of love/romance, but as it played out, you found out what he was made of. And so will she. It will either be her cross to bear or she’ll jump ship.
#8 Talk to someone whose paid to listen to you without qualms or quarrel. The best thing about a counselor is that they aren’t going to make you feel like you are wearing them out. Your friends and family care very much to see you survive this; they so much care that they unintentionally pressure you or they tend to avoid knowing the pain you are in because then they fear for you. The paid listener doesn’t have the investment they have and doesn’t have their worries. And just for that, it’s a more welcoming environment. Plus, they might have some good advice. And too, stuff through the week that you have pent up, you know you’ll be able to talk about with someone.
TDS79,
Understandably you are angry!And you need to rid yourself of the anger before you can start feeling joy again…kind of like that burned skin healing in layers!
Donna has mentioned pinning a picture of the sociopath to a pillow and punching it hard;screaming & crying as you do so.So you need privacy as well as a quiet spot.
Taking care of yourself is important so that you can think clearly,etc!If you’re not able to eat alot at one sitting;eat smaller meals or snacks,but make them nutritious!Get plenty of rest at night.Get exercise such as walking,bicycling or working out in a gym.
grace, I was diagnosed PTSD in my early 20’s, and now that you mention it…the feeling is all too familiar! I really need to stop attracting this crazy in my life! Funny thing is, before my relationship with my path, I meditated every day and ran…all of that stopped along the way…I’m getting back into it now. It gives me momentary relief. I work with kids with special needs and have tried essential oils with them and it works! That’s a great suggestion. I’ll try anything that helps….like you used to do, I woke up last night and didn’t fall back asleep because I couldn’t stop thinking about it. My anger finally seems to be building….this site definitely helps! Although it freaks me out too…..
blossom4th, thank you for your support. I liked that you took my burn analogy even further. It puts healing into a better prospective. And I have already scheduled a pillow session for today! Man, he’s going to get it….. I’m feeling more clear headed today. Have a bit more energy. I like your suggestion of starting small with food that’s nutritious….it’s definitely better than not eating! I can already see that I’m losing too much weight….
I think I made a big mistake this morning…I emailed one of our mutual friends (they’ve known each other for 30 yrs). He warned me about dating my spath but is now sticking up for him! I told him my spath said to research it. I told him my spath told me he (our friend) was having an affair and made a big stink about it to me. He constantly put down this friend to me. My spath hated that I thought fondly of our friend. Our friend said he had an affair years ago and his wife knows about it. Even knowing my spath lied to him he still stuck up for him! He said, “Was he mad at me about something?” He said that my spath has a cocaine problem and drinking problem but doesn’t think he’s a sociopath. Nevermind that I didn’t even know about the cocaine addiction (he said he dabbled in the past) and that my spath casually mentioned he was a sociopath early on. I still can’t figure out why he told me…he knows I work with behaviors and am mildly obsessed with how people tick. Looking back, maybe he used that to get to me?? Bottom line, it’s not just coke and alcohol. He messes with people, in sick ways and his lies are endless, not to mention planned out….Our friend said he’s “a marshmallow” and is a “drama queen”. AGHHHH….damn those crocodile tears!!!!! And drama queen is putting it lightly! He causes so many problems for so many people. Our friend wants to meet for lunch Saturday but I’m worried I’ve already said to much. I’m not sure that’d be the best move for my emotional well being/safety. Thoughts?