Lovefraud frequently hears from readers who have been discarded by sociopaths, but still feel like they’re in love with them, and can’t get them out of their minds. We frequently tell these readers that sociopathic relationships are very much like addictions.
Now, there’s proof. A recent study found that “the pain anguish of rejection by a romantic partner may be the result of activity in parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings,” according to Science Daily.
Read Romantic rejection stimulates areas of brain involved with motivation, reward and addiction on sciencedaily.com.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Ok so I was left no alternative but to file for a police report and I’m now changing my peaceful contact to no contact. He’s using my children’s activities to show up and harass me. Name calling in front of my kids and literally taking my purse and phone to see what I’ve been up to. I spoke to his probation officer who’s going to get us back into court. So why do I feel so guilty and bad for it?
Brwneyedgrl:
It’s a natural response to ‘wanting’ things to be different!
It’s NOT YOU……
Keep control of your feelings and emotions and use this as a stepping stone.
PROBATION officer……GREAT!!!! Now I also suggest you keep a copy of ALL reports and get on down to the court and file a stalking/ harassment order asap!
This guy IS stalking you…..and you have a right to calm in your life.
I went throught the same thing…..and keep in mind, you can’t control HIS actions…..only yours….
You must do what you must do to protect yourself and your kids…..
He’s losing control……it might be time for the tape recorder in the bra deal…..(check your state laws on recordings)…..and keep a camera with you IN YOUR HAND, when your around him.
What oxy suggested is great……take a friend along as a witness….someone you are sure will back you up when the time comes…..
Also Know that….LIFE AIN”T FAIR! And a spath is just the person to remind us of this.
Don’t expect anything to be ‘fair’……but make the moves to even the score for yourself. Protect yourself, and show this dude you aren’t gonna be intimidated by him, stand up, follow through and YOUR actions will speak much louder than any words you might tell him.
It’ s been 3 years/ 1 since divorce finalized…..for me…..and still, one way or another, he makes attempts. BUT….by following through with my legal means…..I have made it clear….if he wants trouble….come my way! Cuz that’s all he’s gonna get from me!
Keep a log, in one binder with notes of all these things….dates, times, locations, witnesses…….I hightly suggest a digi recorder……
This guys just knotching it up for power and control……they get desperate it will keep escalating……EXPECT the kids to be told things…….but YOU take the high road…..you gotta long ride in front of you, and I GUARENTEE…..your kids will ultimately see him for ‘who’ he is!
In the meantime…..your gonna need to get tough…..inside and out!
Good luck to you!
XXOO
EB
Brwneyedgrl, lose the guilt, right now. The “guilt” stems from the lost fantasy – what we believed to be true turning out to be a pack of lies.
NOBODY has the power to make you feel guilty, except yourself. What have you done to feel guilty for? Are you saving your children from a life of misery? Are you saving your soul from destruction? There – no guilt. You are saving yourself and your children by any means necessary.
Take that jackass to court, have him slapped with a restraining order or order of protection, and DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT!!! EB said it spot-on – keep all documentation of every phone call, every text message, every threat, every episode where you are made to feel threatened. OxD also made a great suggestion about having a neutral third party get the children to their activities. Yeah, you might miss out on this for a bit, but it’s a strategy of protection – sometimes, we have to make really difficult sacrifices to insure that we are safe. BE LOUD about protecting yourself, dear heart! Take control of this situation. I promise you this: if the spath doesn’t see you at the activities, he will NOT LINGER for the sakes of the children, especially if the third party remains to document what he says and does to the children.
Brightest blessings to you!
GUILT? Feeling guilty is what we feel when we have done something wrong. YOU HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING WRONG. You are not obligated to be NICE to him, or to let him be mean to you. YOU DO NOT OWE HIM DIDDLY, so drop the guilt!
What’s he on probation for? That is GREAT!!!! I hope it is for drunk and disorderly or fighting, something you can use in court to show he is a jerk. Has he been arrested before? If so get a complete list of his arrests and convictions, sentences, has he broken probation, parole before?
Yep, digi recorder is great and camera too. Your FRIEND that goes with you can take a video camera and film all exchanges while you record the audio….And the nice thing about the video recording done in public is you CAN use it! And if you TELL him you are taping him you can use it in all 50 states, but do check with your local state in my state as long as ONE person knows it is being taped it is LEGAL…so if we are talking and I know it is taped, it is legal, but someone else couldn’t take the two of us like a wire tap.
I’m glad you are gaining strength and realizing that only YOU can protect yourself, and he will PUSH as far as he can go, and keep on pushing harder when he meets resistence, so hang on! ((((Hugs)))) and God bless!
OxD, it took me YEARS to let go of guilt. And, when any spath attempts to play the Guilt Card, I’m outta there.
I feel guilty if I accidentally run over a squirrel. I feel guilty if I hurt somebody’s feelings on purpose. But, I refuse to indulge guilt for doing something to protect my Self.
The ex spath (just like all of the rest of the spaths) used guilt like a surgeon’s scalpel – ever so delicately did he brainwash me into believing that everything (down to the Challenger explosion) was my fault. For many years, I would go around saying, “I’m sorry,” for walking in front of people, for dropping a napkin on the floor, for catching a cold, or breaking a bone in a fall. Never again.
Brightest blessings!
Oh, and hey…………. when the spath “apologizes?” Has anyone else experienced an “apology” from the spath that sounded as if they were bestowing the greatest favor upon us???? They never define what it is they’re sorry for – hurt feelings, stealing money, or demanding despicable sexual behavior – they NEVER define what it is that they’re sorry for!
The line that I have always heard a spath say is, “Whatever it was that I did, I’m sorry.”
LOLOLOLOL………so, they’re sorry for using up valuable oxygen?
It makes sense about not needing to feel guilty. For me personally, I don’t feel guilty about leaving him. Althought for most of the “relationship” I stayed because I felt like I was doing other girls a favor by going through what they would be if I left. Now I realize that it’s their chocie if they go with him, just like it was mine. And I only feel guilty because beofre him, I had extremely high morals, values, and didn’t want to engage in sexual activity at all and I compromised that for him and for what? all I got from it was an extreme guilt, seperation from my God, and a ruined view of sexual activity.
A few weeks ago, he showed up at a show he knew I would be on stage playing my songs. So I walked up to him, looked him in the eye, said “I forgive you” and walked (nearly ran) away because he came after me. “If the town rejects you, dust your feet off when you leave” right? If he could feel anything at all, that would shame and guilt him because we both know he doesn’t deserve it. Just trying to internally let it go now. It’s not an overnight process. That’s for sure.
Butterfly, GREAT COMMENT!!!! Good for you!!!!
Buttons, my egg donor would say “I’m sorry if YOU PERCEIVED I hurt you.” In other words it was MY fault. LOL
She did one time say to me that she “knew I was after her money” and this was early on. I cried and left and came home. Later she called me and said her “sorry” carp and I said, “What you SAID about me being after your money hurt worse than anything,” and she said (they sometimes tell the truth) “I JUST SAID IT TO HURT YOU, I DON’T BELIEVE THAT.”
That was the down hill slide ON A BOB SLED of the relationship right there. Later, of course she and her attorney accused me of being after her money and she KNEW BETTER, SHE WAS JUST SAYING IT TO HURT ME. That is definitely the TRUTH.
When she thought she had the “troops” behind her to wait on her hand and foot, to entertain her and drive her etc. she had NO use for me and discarded me, but as SOON as they were in jail and son C was gone, she wanted to “let’s just pretend none of this happened.” I said “No we are going to talk about it” and she came back with “I only want to think of POSITIVE THINGS.”
I stupidly tried a time or two to talk to her but she looked me jin the face and lied. And also the LOOK of contempt she had on her face when she looked at me, and the RAGE when I accused her of lying when she still had the lie in her mouth, just infuriated her. She said “so you never lied to me!?” I said “Yea, when I was 15, 45 years ago!” LOL The look on her face then was priceless.
So I went NC except for a few e mails on business. She came over here to my place once on a pretext, and I sent her packing, and then I ran into her in the store and she spoke to me and discounted my concerns. Oh well, that is her problem. I think Christmas will be 3 years of NC for the most part. The time and dates just sort of flow together like a water fall where two rivers join.
You know Buttons, I can look back on it now and LAUGH, at how stupid it all was even though at the time it was the biggest hurt I’d ever had. Now, I know and really believe it is nothing but the loss of a fantasy. From the time my kids were babies I had this fantasy of what they would be like and the grandkids and on and on, just this FANTASY of what would be, what I wanted to be.
That’s all I lost…just the fantasy, but I’m doing just fine without it now. That’s the thing we have to realize–it was just a fantasy. Just a lie, and we believed it. But now we are FREE. That’s a good feeling.
It’s official-I rode in the elevator with the spath narcissists wife at work today. It was fine. She looked at me and I looked away from her and made no eye contact whatsoever. She had parked about 25 feet from my truck this morning and I jogged to my truck and got in. She was behind me leaving the hospital and we were stopped at a redlight. I looked in the mirror and she doesn’t look like a happy person AT ALL. I guess that figures though-look at the prize that she’s married to.
Where you been E72? I’m glad she apparently didn’t recognize you, and YOU BET she is UN-happy.