Lovefraud frequently hears from readers who have been discarded by sociopaths, but still feel like they’re in love with them, and can’t get them out of their minds. We frequently tell these readers that sociopathic relationships are very much like addictions.
Now, there’s proof. A recent study found that “the pain anguish of rejection by a romantic partner may be the result of activity in parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings,” according to Science Daily.
Read Romantic rejection stimulates areas of brain involved with motivation, reward and addiction on sciencedaily.com.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Thanks Erin.
ErinB… I totally agree with you….
I think we all have fantasized about them coming back to us and with our new knowlegde about who and what they are, we toy with them this time… I know that I have had that fantasy, althought admititly not a healthy fantasy… maybe it’s having the final word…or maybe it’s giving them a piece of their own medicine..Mine did the total discard, so I never had a chance to play that out with her and it was nearly 9 months later that I had a divine given knowledge of what she was….within 24 hours after putting the pieces together, I found this website… that was in January of 2007.
This thread has a special interest for me because I have been stuck for over four years now.. rumminating about her.. about the relationship….backwards, forwards, upside down and sideways… and I always come back to the same place with no new answers, although I have had at times a-ha moments….I have felt a lot of shame about this obssesion and it has affected many parts of my life and of course it has hindered my recovery….I know that I have suffered some sort of PSTD and still have flashbacks, dreams, anxiety, and other symptoms of PSTD
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder
I recently had a horrible couple of days at work and realized that I would have to fix a mistake for a client without receiving any pay for it..althought the mistake was not my fault, I was responsible… it would take a week or more to correct this problem and I was under a lot of stress…. I came home one night and went to the website of the dentist that my x-spath works for and saw pictures of her and a short video in which she plays a active role in at a awards ceremony at a dental convention..in the video she is so overtly fake and charming… it sickend my stomach…I had to keep reminding myself that “I know the truth”……because I did this, I feel like I self inflicted….again shamed by that and shamed that it’s been over four years and it still preoccupies my thoughts….
This past weekend I finally went to Barnes and Noble and purcahsed “The Betrayal Bond”….. as I read through the book, I discovered that what I did (going to that dentist’s website) was not at all uncommon….
In a test with rats, the rats were given a shock when they entered a small box, so the rats didn’t go in there.. but when the rats were stressed, they would go in the box even though they knew they would get shocked……the shock was a comfort to them when they were stressed……..
I also understand that the trauma of my relationship with the spath, may have changed my brain chemistry…..
I did find comfort reading in the book that these betrayal bonds can be broken when a person (the ex-victim) is in a healthy relationship with others.
The book also mentions that for some of us, acceptance comes with finding meaning about the experence……
I know that I have found a lot of meaning in it and it was a catalyst for me to be a better person and like Donna Anderson, it brought me to my spiritual journey, which I’m so glad about.
It is my goal this year to place a end to this bond with my former spath partner…. as many of you know and have written, it is so hard to do and it affected us on so many emotional and physical levels.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_manipulation
Donna, I would be interested in reading the very first blogs that were posted here. The archives do not go back that far here.. is there a way for us to read them? I would be very interested in reading the first months of them….BTW, when exactly did this site begin and the blogs start?……
And as always, thank you for creating this place.. it has helped me and countless others… I don’t post here as often as I used to, but I do come by to read, to be informed, to validate my feelings and be reminded in those moments of weakness and despair that I did nothing wrong and that I am not the crazy one…I simply crossed paths with a disordered person and it turned my world upside down….
But.. like I said.. I do see meaning and purpose behind this and God has used it to make good in my life… I know for those of us who are believers here, they too can see God’s hand upon their life and He is in this with us. There is a comfort to that……smiles
Southernman
http://www.myspace.com/southernman429
Southernman:
I guess it’s the balance between what is ‘real’ and what we know NOT to be real!
It is important for me to find meaning in all of this….and I am confident I will……as some of the meaning has already revealed itself.
Once in awhile an old, old blog shows up with only a few poosts…..it’s amazing how LF has grown…what a blessing for us all!
XXOO
EB
Dear Southern man,
All the blogs are here, just not by date (farther back than a year) but by author etc. so you can find them that way.
I’m glad you got the betrayal bond it is a good book and yes, it does change our brain chemistry but also the PHYSICAL make up of our brain I think (been doing some research reading on that part) but going back into the “shock box” is something we CAN prevent ourselves from doing—I think going to that website and looking at her photo is a kind of BREAKING NC and that rips the scabs off the wounds…also I think there are two kinds of NC–first is physical, and second is EMOTIONAL and we can have “contact” emotionally by renting them space in our heads….and it is difficult sometimes but we CAN control what we think about.
We can pick and choose what we think about. Like we can pick and choose which files we take out of a file cabinet. They don’t just jump out at us. We can say “I choose to put that file back” and do it, by taking out another file (memory) and there is no way we can have more than one “File” open at a time. We can open and close them rapidly, but still ONLY ONE AT A TIME. (this is not an original thought with me, but I think it is right on, can’t remember which book I got it out of CRS!)
Give it a try and see if you can’t keep yourself from ruminating too much on her emotionally. (((Hugs))) and my prayers!
Southernman- wow, what a beautiful page you have on MySpace…
Sorry, didn’t mean to sound like the Big Bad Wolf there! It brought tears to my eyes… And yes, my S/P brought me closer to God because I cried so much the past year that I had no one else to turn to for help. It really opened my eyes, helped me heal, and helped me to get through the roughest patches. I think He brought this guy into my life for a reason.
His timing was REALLY BAD, though, because as both you and OXY have mentioned, my brain chemistry was so clouded that I was not able to focus on getting my business off the ground and I am now at rock bottom, with no one to help me financially. To think that I helped the S/P when I should have been helping myself….grrrrrr…
My house is now on the market, and I am looking at lots and lots of 80+-hour weeks ahead of me. But at least I will be better able to focus, not having the S/P Roller Coaster to ride anymore. Still…. ggggrrrrrrrr……
Oh- that last post didn’t sound the way I intended it to sound. God is a big part of my life, but I think that looking for answers, help, and healing through Him brought me so much closer to Him because I was so alone.
I also asked him to open up the S/P’s heart and heal him, trying to help him more than myself, but it seemed that the more I turned to God, the more the S/P turned away from me. Every time I mentioned that I prayed for him, etc., he would get mad at me. In fact, two of the times that I was discarded, it was shortly after mentioning that I thought God brought us together.
There is a YouTube video that says to use the Religion card if you are trying to get rid of a Soc… hmmmm…
SageeGirl….
Thank you for your kind comments to my myspace..
I too prayed for my ex spath.. for years.. prayed that He would heal her heart… the problem with that is this….They are our bondage… an idol…and when we pray for someone that keeps them close to our heart…maybe breaking the NC (right Oxy?) smiles…. and God will not help us to rebuild that shrine to that idol who was the spath, or to anything we hold above Him….He knows our heart…My prayers for her healing and salvation were honest prayers… but….to be perfectly honest.. my “hidden” agenda was for God to do my bidding for me…. to fix this person, make her Godly, then to bring her back…ah…see, He doesn’t work that way….. there is nothing wrong with praying for others for healing and for their salvation…but your heart has to be genuine… and also, when praying for a unbeliever, it is best not to mention this to them….anger from them can result.. even with a non-spath.
Oxy.. thank you.. yes I have tried the ole filing folder routine.. I have used many variations of that technique….
I do believe that once a pathway in our thoughts has been beaten into a 10 lane interstate, it is VERY difficult to control.
I would find myself ruminating about the spath when I faced other disappointments or trials…
Someone above in this thread mentioned or on another thread using the word “I quit”……..I like that one….I have also thought of the blessings in my life or even Christ hanging on the cross for me…. when thoughts of her come into my head….anything positive or lovely….
Like I mentioned above.. my goal is to beat this bond this year…I know that it will happen, for God will answer my earnest prayer for healing and help in this area… it is His will for me to be delivered from bondage, and it Glorifies Him….It’s up to me to be strong and perservere.
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.”
Phillipians 4:9
Also SageeGirl…….
I too believe with all of my heart that God brought my spath into my life…believe me I have had a lot of time to think about that (sorry Oxy)….
I can see so many things that have happened to me and changes in me that have been positive. It opened my eyes to the world around me…I became more compassionate and caring… reading His Word, growing as a person, new and healthy people have entered my life because of this transfermation in me…I am able to see with clearity what is important in life, and I am touched by the beauty I see everyday….
I had lost my wife to cancer a couple of years before the spath entered my life, so with loss came depth, but the spath experience escalated that growth 10 fold…….
So…I believe that when evil touches our lives we have two options.. we can become bitter and die within, or we can use it as a springboard to a higher calling and purpose…I can see that with many here at this board…….now.. if the ruminating would just cease, I’d be perfect!…smiles
Work on letting yourself go from the bond you created/chose to keep the past few years…work on promising yourself and god that you will replace that bond with a bond between you and yourself …
Pray for YOUR heart to be healed…focus on you… with all of your might…during your times of weakness with the past and the ruminating….reward yourself when you are successful with overcoming the ruminating – tell yourself why you want to beat this one last thing holding you back – let yourself know you can do it – because you care about and love yourself too. And your focus attentions and thoughts deserve to be on you and your new life without an unhealthy partner…
You can do this. It takes love and support from you, within yourself. Make a commitment to give yourself what you need – you are asking yourself to stop ruminating (pretend a friend is asking you for your help — you would do your best to come up with strategies for your good friend — now take that momentum and do exactly that for yourself – be your own best friend right now, this year..and help yourself accomplish this goal.
Let go. Its ok to let go. In fact its healthy to let go of people who do not add to our happiness on a consistent basis or who are unable to contribute goodness and healthiness to our lives.
I just wrote yesterday I believe evil touching our lives, is a right of passage – testing some to spiral out of control and others to rise above…
Southernman you are nearing the last step! And you will do it and when all is said and done – you WILL be SMILING that when you leaned on yourself to help you acccomplish this- you pulled through!! Good luck. God bless..
Dear Southernman,
I also believe there is a purpose in the things we go through, they are like the firing of the pot, they either crack it or make it into a useful and good item. “The finest china has been through the hottest fires” and we can either choose to ‘crack” and give up and break or we can withstand the firing and come out something beautiful and good.
We have a choice in how we respond to the situation. I can’t think of anyone who has become beautiful and wonderful who didn’t have some adversity to go through.
I look around and see people who have had everything “handed to them” like born with a silver spoon type thing, and they never had to work or or wait for anything and many times they don’t become strong. Just as if a horse never got to exercise and stood eating in the stable all day it would be worthless and weak, so exercise—both mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically–is good for us and strengthens us. It strengthens us and expands our capabilities.
If there were no evil in this world, how could we appreciate the goodness that there is as well?