Lovefraud frequently hears from readers who have been discarded by sociopaths, but still feel like they’re in love with them, and can’t get them out of their minds. We frequently tell these readers that sociopathic relationships are very much like addictions.
Now, there’s proof. A recent study found that “the pain anguish of rejection by a romantic partner may be the result of activity in parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings,” according to Science Daily.
Read Romantic rejection stimulates areas of brain involved with motivation, reward and addiction on sciencedaily.com.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
erin1972
Sounds like you are on the horizon of new beginnings! Sometimes it makes a whole heap of sense to go towards what is obviously better like a new town, better job, better pay…I’m a homebody and will be here till I die!! You are young Erin and I feel excited for you. With the experiences you have had..you will be a great asset to any Police Force…you have the wisdom combined with the age and that is VALUABLE to the community.
You described your mother as being y’know Stephen King novel weird…and you survived that awful negative beginning, I could see exactely how you were “set UP” for spaths and P’s with all the mixed messages from mommie dearest…Leave all that stuff in the past…it’s not true anymore, all the negativity coming from your mother was not accurate and it’s time to claim the truth for yourself….meeting new people armed with knowledge makes you more powerful than ever before, enjoy the enthusiasm and excitement I’m picking up from you…you deserve all the breaks now to land in your favour…that’s what I wish for you xx
Hi everyone. Usually I am very interested in psych and the medical field. I read the article twice. I’m going to have to read it a third time because my brain in in a total fog these days. The ONE POINT that stuck out for me was where it stated, “there is help for the lovelorn,” and “as time goes by the rejection lessens.” I must really be sick, maybe as sick as my ex. It has been 2 years, sometimes I think I am over him and sometimes I miss him so badly and believe I still love him. About two months ago, he was in a very serious car accident and almost died. I wasn’t happy about it. I didn’t laugh or say, “good, that’s what he deserves after all he did to me.” Actually, at first I was totally numb and couldn’t feel anything at all for him. I did a terrible thing for which I am sorry now. Under the newspaper article, people commented (90% of them were all negative). He is well known in our town. He loves to sue people and a lot of comments were about that, such as “ambulance chaser,” “I guess he got what he wanted(another lawsuit),” and other comments (because he refers to himself as a medical doctor), such as, “I met _____ once and he told me to call him Dr. ________, well I hope he can heal himself.” Most of the comments were so rude and nasty, but he is not so popular, seems as though he hurt a lot of people besides me. I didn’t feel sorry for him or what they wrote. I wasn’t going to write anything, but then I found out that his ex was back in the picture by his side (they already broke up or something like that) so because I was VERY JEALOUS )honesty…I have to be honest to all of you even though I’m totally ashamed. I became very angry because not only was I jealous but I wanted to be the one there by his side in the hospital. SICK!!! I did not use my name, but I wrote a couple of comments and exposed him even more for who/how he really is. One person(I’m sure a female) commented, “what are you a bitter ex, what’s wrong did he break your heart.” Then there were more stating, “are you one of his “hit and quit hoes?” There were a few that stated (probably from the same low life individuals who wrote those disgusting words, which said, “You Need A Man.” Obviously, they think or know it’s me, you think??? I never learn. I thought I was over him. One good thing is that he isn’t here in the complex and nobody knows if he is coming back. BUT, THE PROBLEM I’M HAVING IS: I really do feel sorry for him; i feel sad that he may not ever get better. (He was run over) BUT IT WAS HIS FAULT!!! The news and witnesses said so. He is so arrogant, he just whizzed out right in front of the traffic, waiting for them to stop, I guess, I’ve seen him do this before (law suit). All I’ve been doing is thinking about him, wondering how he is, if he’ll ever be able to walk again, etc…and, SICK ME, I know that if he was here, I WOULD be there 24/7 and I WOULD take care of him and treat him as I would any one of my relatives…after all that he did to me, the physical, mental, emotional, verbal, abuse and abuse of all kind. The lies, slander, debasement, ………………….all of the pain from him, the lies, the broken hearts, the hospitalizations…WHY DO I STILL MISS HIM AND WHY DO I WANT TO BE THE ONE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM? I STILL FEEL BONDED TO HIM and it’s been 2 years of trying to heal, 2 painful years. Here I go again…hatiang myself. don’t understand Help please help thank you
Alicia, 2 years means that you are still in the waffling mode. Stay with the NO CONTACT rule … which means, don’t write him, don’t speak to him, do not answer the phone, don’t drive by where he lives/works, do not have contact with family/friends of his and for you, do not read articles in the paper about him.
The more you stay away from any memory of him, the sooner you will heal from this heel.
And, yes, it’s normal to feel compassion for “them”. Our compassion is what makes us human. Their lack of compassion makes them walking, talking, thinking ROBOTS.
Time heals all wounds …
and,
Time wounds all heels.
Peace.
Oxdrover;
In my sarcasm I might have misstated what I meant and I agree with you 100%. I certainly don’t fit any stereotype and Jamie is far from flaming. I guess what I was trying to say is that many thought I was “slumming” by dating him. Actually, I saw through the stereotype and recognized underneath was a fairly intelligent person with what seemed like many good qualities, perhaps mirrored.
If I had stuck to the stereotype, I would have ran and not been in this mess!
Alicia;
For me, it is one and one-half years for a guy I only knew for one month. I am embarrassed by that. There was much progress, then regression as I again became depressed over the last few months. Now that I am feeling better, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. By being totally honest, including my recent embarrassing cyber-stalking, I am again making huge progress. I am putting together the last couple of things to come totally “clean,” not only for my good but for others as well.
Trust me, as I said in another thread, this is going to be good and I need to do it.
Dear One,
Well, I do suck at the stereotype game, but I have also known folks in EVERY stereotypical thing that do FIT THE BOX and it is soooooo funny when they do. But if you think that most people fit a stereotypical box you are gonna be badly fooled! LOL
It just never dawned on me that I should be not nice to someone because they were different—well unless they were yankees, and we were allowed to throw stones at them til they went back up north! LOL ROTFLMAO (joke)
MY FAVORITE stereotype is the “used car salesman” and the guy who came here from NJ to buy a clilent’s plane and was so rude to me that I told him to get off the place and he said “Great just call the law!” (the client owed me money and I wasn’t letting this guy take the plane til it was paid–within my legal right for a mechanic’s lien) and I said to him “We don’t call 911 out here we call SMITH AND WESSON, now GET OFF MY PLACE!” He got real calm, real nice and I got my money and no more nasty remarks. I didn’t even have to actually reach in my truck or pick up my gun, just telling him I would got him real polite. Ha ha, Now, that is a STEREOTYPICAL Yankee, AND a Used-vehicle salesman! One of my favorite incidents! Love it, great story! The local mechanic that was with him that day has told it all over the county how that nasty yank didn’t put nuttin over on the Mrs. Drover! LOL ROTFLMAO
BTW, Blue eyes, the forward, then backward,, then forward motion of your healing path is NORMALLLLLLLLLL it is to be EXPECTEDDDDDDD, DO NOT be embarassed about these little backward steps. They happen. Sometimes LONG after we think we have “arrived”—so not ever get so cocky that you think you are “healed 100%”—sometimes the problem is like the chickenpox herpes virus, it lies dormant and you think it’s gone when you were 5 years old, then when your immunity is down for some reason it flares back up in to horribly painful blisters.
It happens, so don’t fret about it or give yourself a guilt trip about having an “outbreak” it happens.
Dear Alicia,
For me, its truly coming down to the fact that I can choose to care about someone unhealthy from my past or I can choose to turn all of my thoughts/efforts/concerns/cares toward the one who needs it the most right now – myself (so for you that would be YOURSELF 🙂
We need to have all that yearning to care/give/take care of/ make sure ok/treat special… directed toward ourselves. For some reason we get fixated on them – and completely forget the point here – we were hurt/abused/used/in an unhealthy situation — so taking care of another or in your case nursing him back to health and being there supporting him, etc… will not erase or change WHO HE IS – he will still treat you badly. You are actually lucky that there is no question about his character/his personality (in other words you dont have to wonder if you were right or wrong about him — every poster who commented on his accident in newspaper has confirmed he is an unhealthy selfish dishonest person. Alicia – you deserve better!
Start to change your focus and put all those yearning energies toward ALICIA — start with little things – treat yourself to something special – do something fun – get back to basics with self-everything and believing and trusting in yourself that you deserve all the special treatment you have to give others ( and start now to give all that to yourself) and then when and if you are ready to share that special YOU with someone else — you will be able to see that you dont want to get involved with someone who doesnt respect you, treat you well and doesnt have healthy connections in life.
Dont hate yourself. You are just having a tough time putting the right things into perspective. But once you do, healing will grow leaps and bounds. This isnt about you in that he will treat everyone badly (including you if you ever were to go back). But this is about you (each of us) when we stop giving our best to ourselves and yearn to give it to an unhealthy person. Because… if we were truly giving our best to ourselves WE WLDNT YEARN FOR AN UNHEALTHY PERSON. 🙂
So how do we give our best to ourselves… Im still in the process of figuring that out. But first and foremost is to realize and accept giving the worst to ourselves would be going back to them as well as wanting to go back to them. Giving our best means literally taking care of ourselves and doing positive things that help us keep them at bay from our minds and keep in the forefront how unhealthy they are and how dysfunctional it really was /got with them.
Im convinced if we let go, continue to make healthier choices for ourselves and with others… the best is yet to come.
Hang in there!!
Alicia, I am right there with you today. My anger has abated somewhat, and I went to research that book Hens mentioned (the “under $20” book). I saw a review in there that said “they can’t help themselves, that’s the way they are”….I melted. Wanted to call him, hold him, tell him I was there for him. Love him… What???
It’s only been two months for me, and I thought I was doing really well. (We’d been together one year.) Don’t hate yourself for being compassionate and caring. That’s what THEY were missing all along.
Funny that you posted this today, because I was really thinking that I was past the worst of it and on my way to forgetting. If I were you though, after having read all those comments in the paper about him, I would feel totally vindicated. Even the one that asks if you were one of the “hit and quit”…..
That would solidify for me that he was NOT a nice guy and I could go on and let someone else take care of him. It is hard enough being a caregiver to someone who has been wonderful to you all your life, let alone doing it for someone who has treated you badly. These tigers don’t usually change their stripes just because they’re now dependent on you. They can get worse. And it would be much more difficult to walk away from THAT.
Thanks so much for your beautiful, empathetic words of encouragement. I want to treat myself better, but I still feel so much dislike for myself, I guess I think that I don’t deserve it. NOt only have I hurt myself, but I’ve hurt family members and a very close friend by getting involved with this nutcase. They gave me such a difficult time about him, but I couldn’t or didn’t want to see the or know the truth because “they didn’t see the nice, loving, caring, wonderful” person he was – before it all came down on me. Now, I have one sister and brother who won’t even talk to me, and another who barely does. They grew tired of the “I’ll never go back,” and they believe that “I was old enough to know better” and “how could a smart person be so stupid,” and I’ve been called “weak” so many times by them. We’re estranged and right now, I hurt about it, but I don’t in a way because I don’t need anymore abuse!
SageeGirl, I understand how you felt when you read part of the book and started to see the sp in the way you used to. Don’t feel badly about yourself. I’m with you. I’ve thought about sending him violets with a couple of lines without my name, including “I’m sorry” (that’s for exposing him online and saying a lot that I shouldn’t have even though every word is true). The reason for the violets is because that is what he used to call me, “violet.” I love lavendar, violets, and anything purple so that is how he came up with that name. WHAT A JERK for even thinking about it. He probably would have called the police because with him, you never know what he is going to do. The GOOD IS THAT YOU DID NOT CALL AND I DID NOT SEND THE FLOWERS, which is VICTORY FOR US!!!
Learning: you are such an encourager with a lot of love behind your words. Did you ever think about becoming a writer? I’m so thankful and blessed by your words also. I do apologize if I brought up any triggers for you and the others. I do want to care about myself; I really do, but it is so difficult. My self esteem was not 100% before him, but it was better than it used to be before, now I don’t have any at all! The only thing I do good for myself. I just want my life back before him, but it is so difficult getting there. Most of the time, I am self-destructive. I believe it is because I still live in the same complex as he does and every single day, I am reminded of the good and mostly the bad, but it is so difficult. I’ve tried to move, believe me, and I’m still trying. It is helping because he isn’t hear right now, I think, but then when I come outside and have to walk bye, or afraid I will see him, it gets worse! I’ve been away for a couple of weeks twice and I felt like a totally different person. But living here is awful. Lately, one of his pathological liar friends, who isn’t as bad as the sp, has been trying to come onto me. NO WAY!!! And, I did meet someone last week who is a professional man, works very hard, owns his own home, and is very nice and very good looking. We talked a little. He’s working on a neighbor’s house,but I didn’t know what to say. I don’t even know how to talk to a man anymore. And the worst part is that when I try to and I get so insecure and shy, I immediately want to run back to the sp because that “is/was safety for me.” I wish I could get this guy out of my head. I wish I could have him surgically removed. I did buy this book about “How to Learn To Love Yourself.” Instead I’m engrossing myself in novels and alcohol…I don’t want to feel the pain…that’s me-all of my life. I just feel not worth it, not worth anything good because of what I did and even worse because of how many times I went back to him. This has been the longest and he tells everyone that “he loves his @.......$##, she is the love of his life, etc.” So it should be a good thing for me, but I still get jealous because they have been together for the two years we’ve been apart (actually, months before that,but I didn’t know). So then I feel like he does love her. This is all so sickening and I don’t want to make you all sick so I’m going to go now. I probably did make you all sick already. Thank you so much for giving so much of yourselves. I wish I was on the other end being able to encourage and help someone. I know it isn’t easy for all of you either. Thank you and God Bless. Maybe I’ll buy that book too. Talk to you soon…my friends.
Alicia,
You sound so sweet and in so much pain. You have NOT made me sick, so please don’t feel like you can’t put your feelings out there. This site is for just that. You must know my S/P, because he said that he DID call the police on me in his paranoid delusional state when he called me and yelled at me never to call him again or try to talk to him again. Such class…
I am on the roller coaster ride as well, and I do see him more than I want to because he works at the local grocery store. I thought he was there M-F, so I went shopping on Saturday…there was his truck in the lot, and I nearly bumped into him three times. And, yes, I came home and cried my eyes out. It’s so hard being treated like a piece of dogsheet when you were once so in love…
Drinking….I’ve never been much of drinker or anything else…my entire family has a real problem with alcohol… Just after the discard, I started having a few small drinks every night, while my family all quit!!! It does help to dull the pain, and the pain will get better.
It actually helps me to help others. This site has really helped me to take a good look at my entire life and dredge up all the things that would be unearthed in therapy— for so much less money! LOL! This has been really tough on me, because I went from a 15-year marriage to an emotionally/verbally abusive man to whom I was totally dependent, to a 5-year nightmare relationship. That one nearly killed me, and I found myself planning my suicide more than once.
When the S/P came along, I was actually healing and had a good amount of self-esteem back again. Unfortunately, he took almost all that away from me this entire year when I NEEDED to get my business going. Between the lies, being stood up, being ignored and accused of things I didn’t do and discarded three times— not to mention the stalking phone calls that turned out to be his ex for an entire year— I could not focus on what to have for dinner each day. And I cried more because of him in that year than I did in the 25 years with the other two.
I’m not really very good at giving helpful advice, but I think every little bit helps. It’s nice to know you are not alone. Keep reading all you can here— it has helped me more than anything. At least I know now that I am not crazy, and that I am not the sociopath. I had begun to think that—especially when I first started reading the articles here. Then it hit me that I was the victim of a predator. That has done wonders for my self-esteem, but I still wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, and I hate waking up in the morning.
I’m rambling… please keep us posted on your progress. God Bless you too!