Lovefraud frequently hears from readers who have been discarded by sociopaths, but still feel like they’re in love with them, and can’t get them out of their minds. We frequently tell these readers that sociopathic relationships are very much like addictions.
Now, there’s proof. A recent study found that “the pain anguish of rejection by a romantic partner may be the result of activity in parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings,” according to Science Daily.
Read Romantic rejection stimulates areas of brain involved with motivation, reward and addiction on sciencedaily.com.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Hello everyone,
I just want to say how much you all have helped. My ex was a narcissit to whom I was married for 18 years. I loved him with all my heart. He knew I was from a very close knit family and that marriage and children were a lifelong committemnt. When he asked me to marry him, I loved him and devoted myself to him. He always treated my Mom and Dad very well, because he knew that they meant the world to me. He used them as leverage with me. Then I had children and he used them as levarage. I did not know this at the time. I thought he was a good husband, always bought me gifts, tried to make me happy. Looking back I saw many red flags, but did not really see them. He finally dropped the mask 1 and 1/2 years ago. Finally realized that I was married to an illusion. I have thought aboutt him day and night.
I met him in court, and did not look in his eyes, I am a very strong women, and would not let him get the best of me. He seemed very irratated that I pretended he was not there.
Although I know I do not want him back. He seems to be glued to my brain. I often am mad at myself for thinking about him. It came so sudden and unexpected that I am having a hard time. I am dating and seeing other people just to get rid of him. But he seems to be in my brain. Does not help that he is uncoperative in courts, he is prolonging the pain. I think he knows it. Addicted to a sociopath ? I am, not the person but the illusion, how can one discard just like that a part of ones life that was happy ? I am suffering but he is not, he is with his new family, an lady younger by 22 years, and 4 children, whom I think are his. This new women thinks very highly of him, like I did. She will soon find out, poor kids, they will soon find out how it is to be discarded. Mine were discarded just like that. Hard to wrap my head around it, but I do understand. I am addicted, and I know I will get over it, buts its darn hard. Beyond words. Thank goodness for this site and you all who really understand.
God bless you all.
survivorlady, LOVE your screen name!!! You’ve found the right place, we have had many discussions on the very subject of having the spaths “glued to our brain”, it is tough to let go of the dream/illusion. Glad you are here, but sorry you have to be!! If you look along the left side of the page and click on the name Kathleen Hawk, you will find a very helpful, beautifully written series… on healing from the sociopath. We are survivors!!! Yeah!!!
Thank you Donna, for posting this link from an LF reader
(and thank you LF reader!)
Rejection is something I struggled with for years,
very interesting article!
Hi y’all
Yes I still think about my N ex more than I want to . Not with such strong feelings anymore since coming on LF which has been a major ‘watershed’ for me. But being habitually PO’d at exN is sometimes still like an ‘itch I can’t scratch’. It doesn’t hurt anymore -but it irritates me sometimes.
Anyway – I wanted to write to Erin1972 – as I’ve been reading your posts about bumping into your Spath’s wife at your job.
I’m concerned a little that you’re still vulnerable to getting into a battle with Spath’s wife and getting ‘dragged into drama’ again. So far I’m reading that you’re the one who’s ‘winning the battle’ and can actually see that she’s nothing particularly special (SHE IS NOT THE ONE, HE DID NOT CHANGE FOR HER !) and get validation that you were discarded BECAUSE there was something deficient in you.
From what I’ve read, you seem (as is typical for LF bloggers) like an really cool person. He likely discarded you because you became a ‘less easy mark’ for whatever reason. Maybe you’re pretty and socially desirable and he could see that you have great reasons to believe in yourself, are smarter, were starting to ‘work him out’ or whatever, he knew from his previous experiences that the time was coming soon that you would be calling him on his b/s more and more and he would be exposed to you. Unbearable to an N S or P to be ‘unmasked’ – they’ll do anything to avoid it!
I think that maybe your dream of becoming a police officer actually scared him, ‘cos he knew you’d likely develop better skills and become more confident etc. He couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who would ‘outshine’ him in anyway or who’s trained to spot b/s. Makes you too tricky to control etc.
Certainly I’m picking up that this situation with Spath’s new wife is a ‘battle’ and might be triggering you. She’s a ‘rival’ still. I totally get this because I had to have contact at some points with persons my exN boyfriend had slept with and one he left me for. It really consumed me for ages (far too long in retrospect).
It’s a kind of form of vicarious contact with your Spath -is what worries me and might hold you back in your healing in the longer run.
Is there anyway that you could proactively look at your career choices to a ‘sideways’ move, a promotion or a move to another dept or job. Somewhere that you can quiety make the impetus to GET AWAY – work for you in your career plans, without a word to anyone else?
You know that this woman was used as an ‘instrument of torture’ by Spath and that she’s going to be hurt by him just like you were – sooner or later it’s going to happen even if there’s no ‘outside’ evidence for a long time. He is what he is. He hasn’t changed and he doesn’t love her. They can’t love!!!
Don’t let your fascination at the ‘car crash’ stop you getting to your destination hun!
I had to move jobs too to get away from exN, at first I was angry ‘cos I saw this as ‘being pushed out’ – in the end I made it work for me and when I was ‘fit to work again’ – (after 4 months of total nervous breakdown) actually ended up going for a more senior position (which I got). Ha!
I’m concerned Erin1972 – don’t get caught up in their web again out of a desire to ‘win’. I am saying this because the last thing I was able to give up was this desire for ‘vengeance’ or to ‘win the game’. It took me 2 1/2 years to start getting to the point where I’m finally actually becoming bored with thinking about ways to get him back! I am at a point where usually I have something more fun or worthwhile to do.
Focus on the people that give you good vibes and happy thoughts hun. You deserve an N S and P free life now!!!
I hope that this post is taken in the spirit it’s meant – which is that YOU DESERVE BETTER!
Blessings
Delta 1
Delta1-I was hardly thinking about either one of them until she showed up here at my job. I am not going to make myself miserable by continuing to feel intimidated. I’m over it.
Thanks you for this link, Donna! It helps to explain so much about why we have difficulty moving away from the spath.
For me, I was in love with the FANTASY, and not the reality. I was quite aware, early on, that the reality was that I’d made a huge mistake in choosing the ex spath. The FANTASY was that he would “recognize” and “appreciate” my personal sacrifices and “demonstrations” of love and … change. Of course, that can’t happen, and it took nearly 15 years for me to realize this.
Thanks, again! Brightest blessings.
Oh yay Erin1972,
I guess I was ‘over concerned’ I’m happy to get your post and know that you’re feeling confident about all this and like you can really leave it all behind and ‘just not care’.
I think Oxy’s advice was great and yeah – treat her like the pot plant or the office photocopier!!!
I guess you’ve got your police plans in any case and soon this will all be ‘academic’ cos you’ll being doing your training and all.
You go girl!!!
Delta1
After googling my ex’s yahoo name, I found his Flickr account, where he has quite a stash of porno pics.
Funny thing is his photostream is the same set of pics he uses on his online dating accounts, and in 2 of them, on the screen saver of his computer, is a woman at the beach. That woman is me.
No longer do I look at him as desirable, I laugh.
Time heals the wounds.
silvermoon, you are indeed correct! For me, it boiled down to those 2 words, “I quit.” and that is exactly what I did. I went through the difficult process of seeing him for what he really was, and is. Some things don’t change because in their eyes, they don’t have a problem to begin with.
I know that the love I felt at one time for the ex was genuinely real and I don’t deny or dishonor that. I know that what I gave him was the best, and then some, of me. When we give from the heart, we give from a very special place and I’m happy that my heart still loves. Did he deserve it? NO. He took it and used it and twisted and turned it all around. I have found I use far less energy this way and when I think of him, I look at him as a fool. That’s what he is.
more to learn and share…
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