Lovefraud frequently hears from readers who have been discarded by sociopaths, but still feel like they’re in love with them, and can’t get them out of their minds. We frequently tell these readers that sociopathic relationships are very much like addictions.
Now, there’s proof. A recent study found that “the pain anguish of rejection by a romantic partner may be the result of activity in parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings,” according to Science Daily.
Read Romantic rejection stimulates areas of brain involved with motivation, reward and addiction on sciencedaily.com.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Thank you everyone for the welcome….it made me cry to know there is somewhere i can go with ppl who understand.
She knows i know about everything she has done but she claims undying love for me and how all the affairs knew they couldnt compete with me. She swears and cries that she will get help and doesnt want to hurt me, her anger at my knowing is put off to her being angry with herself for hurting me. I know everything is a game and it is so hard to get sttronger because i still am vulnerable to needing her, needing the love and attention she portrays.
I have been positioned in the home and unable to support myself but i have found a job and am just scared that its a little too late. I have a feeling my daughter does know something but she has been denying it a long time as well.
I am ashamed that this is the role model that my daughter has to follow. I hope one day when i am free that she and I can talk and it will be a life lesson for her.
I am grateful to be on this site…Thank you to all
What is hard as well is that over time all my friends and relatives have been taken away from me. I am totally isolated to her. She is the only one i can talk to. Its going to be very difficult to pull this off alone. But i know i can do it….
Christine:
I second the welcome to you!
I also want to second the statement above that you are stronger than you think.
Your posts show wisdom and strength……also the fear of the unknown.
GRASP IT….embrace it……and I assure you….it’ll be much better than the pain and uncertainty you live currently.
Keep your mouth shut…..remember loose lips sink ships…..
You are NEVER gonna change a sociopath! Brace yourself for the departure and plan accordingly…..never discuss your plans with her.
It won’t matter…….it will make a negative impact on you and daughter if you do ‘share’ with her your feelings.
I had to come to the conclusion that no matter what i felt….it didn’t matter to the spath. So why bother. It goes against our grain of who we are and how we deal……but go against that grain.
Shake it up……don’t be predictable…..and get out.
Worry about ‘clean up’ later…..
Plan, plot and get out……the sooner you leave, the sooner you can arrive at a new you.
I waited 28 years…….it was 28 toolong.
It almost cost me my life with major health issues. One can’t live with this stress for an eternity without coming out unscathed.
It will be a roller coaster…..but we advocate for NO CONTACT! Wrap up all ‘legal’ issues…..and go NO CONTACT>
PERIOD!
It will hurt and there is pain……BUT….it does get better!!!
You see it……..now what are ya gonna do about it?
You can do it…..we all can!
We walk this earth alone…..with only our shadows…..so, no one is gonna lift you up and remove you……that’s your decision to make and your job to do…..and just know…..
WE ARE HERE TO HOLD YOUR HAND!!!
WE GET IT!!!!! We’ve been there…….
XXOO
EB
Hi Christine82.
Just wanted to echo everyone’s welcome here to LF as it is a good place to get help and emotional support and some advice.
Just wanted to say that local domestic abuse services in your area can also be really helpful if you need real-time help in the ‘real world’.. If anyone is on-line they will post but there are times the blog goes a bit quiet.
I agree with all comments re ‘loose lips sink ships’. Once you’re thinking about leaving this is ‘the most’ difficult time as any abusive behaviours will be ramped up if the person concerned feels that you’re moving out of the sphere of their control.
Going to see a counsellor who understand domestic abuse or personality disorders would also help you to think through the decisions that you want to make and would support you in these early stages of deciding whether to stay in or get out and help you to make an assessment of the risks to yourself and your daughter, and a plan as well as reading articles here on LF.
Be careful around your history on the computor – most DV websites have instructions on how to hide your search history etc if necessary. They’re good sources of info around ‘legal issues’ too.
If possible start by ‘taking back’ time – an hour here, and afternoon there where the relationship is not your focus. Even if it’s talking the dog for a walk or going for a swim. Use whatever ‘excuse’ you have to. This is to give you space to ‘clear your head’ and start finding the ‘you’ in ‘you’ again (if that makes sense).
Start getting all important documents together and making photocopies etc without telling your partner what’s up. Keep these somewhere safe and again keep it quiet.
Vent as much as you need here on LF – BTW this is a supportive group of folks generally. Everyone here has been through an abusive relationship be it with a family member, former or current partner, work colleagues. We’re every shade of colour, nationality and ‘class – we’ve all made BIG MISTAKES and you will not be judged.
Blessings
Delta 1
Christine;
My despair took me 4000 miles from home by trying to out sex, out drink and out travel an alcoholic, promiscuous, sociopathic flight attendant. I was alone and hit an emotional bottom.
When I returned home, due to health reasons I was unable participate in bicycling, an activity that gave me socialization, fitness and the healing power of the countryside. Due to my decision to stop drinking, I had to terminate several friendships what were primarily based upon drinking and partying. Thus, my circle of friends shrank considerably. I needed open-heart surgery that placed on hold my ability to rebuild my life after the sociopath.
While I felt I might be able to stop drinking on my own, I decided to give AA a try. It gave me a social outlet and new perspectives on my issues. When I was able to return to the gym, I did so wholehearted. Last month was a psychological setback but this dark cloud had a silver lining, in that I final got closure with the x-spath. I began to see the results of efforts to better my life.
I started going out again and already met one nice guy. However, he lives in Italy and is here in NYC on vacation, so there is no chance for a relationship. However, he was very glad to meet me as I am taking him places he otherwise would have not seen. He is the right thing for me right now. All I want is a little fun. No soulmate or LTR.
Today I had an appointment with my psychologist. I told him what happened last month but that I am much better now. I debriefed him on the whole mess of my cyber stalking the x-spath and how finding out the full filthy truth about him was a real blessing.
There are three areas of my life that need improvement: 1) social; 2) employment; 3) my legal battle with my former employer. I told my psychologist that I was going to make a checklist of what I needed to do in each are and in three weeks I would return to review the list. Every month thereafter, I am going to sit with him and demonstrate my progress toward items on the list.
However dark your days are, they will pass. 9 months ago I was an emotional wreck. Now, I am more comfortable with myself then at any time in my life.
Christine – Dont believe her tear’s and promises to change. I did that too many times. He cried bucket’s of crocodile tears, even attempted suicide to prove how much he loved me. He also isolated me from friends, family and employers, it’s all agame they play, to make you crazy..This is no way to live – get yourself a plan and get out, save yourself and your daughter..be careful, very careful…you say you are vulnerable to needing the love and attention she portrays – thats all she can do is portray – you say she is the only one you can talk to – you can talk here but I am sure she is checking everything you do – be careful..a great booklet I recommend is Meaning from Madness by Richard Skerritt
I got the covert aggressive “I can understand why you might not want to continue talking to me… however…I feel we can be great friends…”
Probably a cut and paste from an email to his prior BF.
Only now I am beginning to understand why I might not want to talk to him anymore. Knowing what I now know, I am disgusted thinking where he might have been or what he was doing when back home in England, where the vilest sex clubs not only thrive, but are somewhat celebrated by its gay community.
Hi Behind Blue Eyes, Yesterday I noticed that one of your posts has paragraphs that are repeated. Also, your above comment has been posted twice…
Just thought I’d let you know! Have a good day!
Hi Everyone,
I just discovered this webiste, so my aplogies if I am not posting in the right spot..
I have recently discovered that my ex is a spath..he meets all of the criteria, in fact I think I am still in shock about all of the information that I have learned and how much he fits the description.
I have been involved with him for 3 years. Over the last few months he has become very withdrawn for me, gone all day, coming home at all hours of the night, saying he would be home at a certain time..and not showing/calling nothing. The torture has been horrendous and I am completely broken.
He has abused me in every single way, used me as well, he has no income, and relies on me to pay his way for everything. He receives social assistance by using my address, borrows money from me and then does not pay me back.
He met a woman in the psych ward a few months back (I kicked him out–so he attempted suicide to have a roof over his head for a week–until I felt guilty enough to take him back) and during this time he met a woman there (2nd time this happend–first time he attempted suicide to get out of going to jail for the weekend–seriving time for beating me–he also met another woman during that time) anyway, he told me that they were just friends, she was not his type, ugly, etc..only to find out that they were more than just friends (I discovered this when he left his emails open)
anyway, to make a long story short..he left last Saturday (11 days ago) to go camping–he got his welfare checque and left to go camping, he said he would contact me the next day–Sunday as he just needed some time. I have yet to hear from him. I am sick about this. I can’t stop crying, I am barely functioining and I feel so broken.
He also told me to move on with my life that our relationship had been through enough and that he wants to be my friend. I bawled my eyes out, he did not care. He left to go camping. Now, I have no way of getting in touch with him as he has no cell phone. I know its a blessing in disguise, but each day I sit here crying and praying that he ill contact me.
He has avoided being intimate for months saying that he is impotent, all the while he was involved with another woman. I truly believed him and it is devastating to actually see that these were all lies.
So I sit here and renuminate about what he is doing, who he is with, is he thinking about me, etc. I feel like I am going crazy everyone…
can anyone offer some encouraging words on how I can start my journey to heal. I can’t believe that he can just toss me away like this..but I am also wondering if he will get in touch with me again as he will need to get another welfare check in September..I don’t know what to do, where to begin.
I hate myself. I have lost myself. I am very depressed, and just feel so damaged.
thank you for listening everyone…
I also wanted to mention that I am so jealous of the other woman 🙁 I feel insane just typing that..but it is the truth! I am embarassed. I think maybe it was just me that he will treat this way because I allowed him to? regardless, I feel terrible and just want the pain to go away.