Lovefraud frequently hears from readers who have been discarded by sociopaths, but still feel like they’re in love with them, and can’t get them out of their minds. We frequently tell these readers that sociopathic relationships are very much like addictions.
Now, there’s proof. A recent study found that “the pain anguish of rejection by a romantic partner may be the result of activity in parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings,” according to Science Daily.
Read Romantic rejection stimulates areas of brain involved with motivation, reward and addiction on sciencedaily.com.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
paralyzed82,
Peace to you. Assuming that your ex is a sociopath (and I strongly suspect that he is), he would treat any woman how he’s treated you (it’s not you), having no regard for that person’s feelings, sacrifices that you’ve made. He is a user, taking advantage of people to get by in life. This man is not a winner – there are better people in the world to focus on. Take care of yourself. I’m sorry that you have had a damaging encounter with one of these folks. I know how much it hurts, literally causing immense pain. You are definitely not alone.
it is comforting to know that I am not alone. Throughout our relationship he would constantly be pursuing other women online; dating websites, porn websites, and even my own friends! I have lost so much and am feeling so overwhelmed.
He is much older than me…I am 28 and he is 47. Has a lot of substance abuse issues, an extensive criminal record and no direction in his life. However, he was intoxicating to me. I can’t believe that it is over…I am sad, and hurt..he was intensely involved in my life for so long..and he went from being controlling/stalking to not giving a darn what I do with my life. I really feel like I am going insane.
Dear Paralyzed,
Dear dear lady, you are not the one who is insane, HE IS and bless her heart that other woman has taken on a monster, and you have “lost one”—-thank God he is gone!!!
STOP–ask yourself, seriously, what have you lost? Someone who won’t have sex with you but does with other women? Someone who won’t work so sponges off of you, takes your money? Someone who beats you? Someone who lies and lies? Manipulates?
Your GAIN is him leaving! Her LOSS is her letting him go to her. He can’t be your “friend” because he is your ENEMY—because only an enemy does the things he has done to you, not a friend.
I’m glad that you came here, and have found like souls—we have all been victims of the psychopaths at one time or another but we are working hard on becoming VICTORS, not victims.
I know you are hurting now, but you are NOT alone, and you do have people who understand the pain, the betrayal, but there is healing and peace at the end of the tunnel. Hang around and read and learn, Knowledge is power. The more you learn about them and how to protect yourself, the better you will be. God bless you as you heal!
dear paralysed, totally understand the insane feeling….still there….my addiction needs fueling but intelligence says DONT go there, read once “when there is an imagination and a will, imagination will ALWAYS win” as ever can talk the talk but rapidly realising walking it is one of the hardest things ever had to cope with.
SageeGirl;
Thanks. The double post seem only to happen late nights. I fixed the above one and I will watch to see if it happens again.
paralyzed82;
20 goes into 40 more times than 40 goes into 20. Find a guy near your age and your x-spath will be red with jealousy..
Hi Paralysed
All your reactions that you’re having are totally normal feelings after being targeted for abuse by someone with sociopathic traits.
Sometimes we can bond very much to someone ‘because’ they are hurting us. This was the case with my relationship in the past with an abusive man.
Actually you feel a stronger bond to someone who’s hurting you – that’s because we hoping for the crumbs of relief that come when they ‘stop just stop’ being cruel.
I relate v. much to being left for days on end with no information and being subjected to the humiliation of being repeatedly cheated on and betrayed.
Basically – it’s not him you miss – but you do want the pain to end.
Your rational mind ‘he’s no good for me’ – is fighting with the behavioural conditioning that’s been going on for 3 years i.e.
“If he calls me I’ll be relieved of this tension and pain”.
Hun – there is a better way! All of us on LF – who’re no bunch of idiots behaved in ways that were shaming and embarrassing to look back on – but actually we’re all good strong people and not ‘losers’. Usually we were picked because we are exceptionally caring and empathic people with a strong sense of ‘right and wrong’ – or we were before we got involved with the S N or P.
If you met me you’d think ‘no way she could be taken it by a sociopath’. Most people don’t understand people with personality disorders and ‘just don’t get it’ – but folks here a LF do get it and will not judge you!
Read, read read – here on LF. (Start with the articles first rather than comments). I also especially recommend reading the book ‘the Betrayal Bond’ for more ideas about the ‘traumatic bonding’ I’m talking about here on this post.
Also – I often say that this stage of the relationship with the sociopath which I have read referred to as the ‘devalue and discard’ stage is THE WORST – it’s designed to make you feel like you have no worth as a human being and soften you up for even worse treatment later possibly. The abuse will not stop, he will not change for you or any woman. Of course you’re jealous – you’ve been set up to be jealous – but I guarantee that eventually these feelings will pass.
I used to tell myself – “No-one deserves to be treated like this, maybe I’m ‘ugly, stupid, boring, fat etc like he says, but that’s not reason to torture me, I wouldn’t treat a dog this way.”
Anyway hugs (()) – try to physically take care of yourself – don’t do what I did which was to use alcohol as a crutch for coping. It took me 2 years to properly claw back to sobriety. I was suffering Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms (memory loss, panic attacks). After the devalue and discard -didn’t get out of bed for 2 weeks except to eat crap food and go to the loo. Hardly washed etc.
If it helps – there is a light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel it’s 2 years later and I’m as happy as a June bug these days! YOU WILL BE TOO – though you won’t be able to even imagine that right now.
Go for walks, have a long soaks in the bath, stroke a pet, get a massage – anything healing and loving for yourself right now will help ‘a little bit’.
Blessings & Hugs
Delta 1
paralyzed82
Sounds to me this had just landed with you. The penny has dropped, the dawning sick feeling…those anxious horrible moments of having to face something very overwhelming and unmanageable.
Everything you are feeling right now is normal, understandable and need to just stay with the moments, agonising as they are and just feel them…post here, put the words down, tell us how it feels..this is a good way to start those feelings come OUT rather than going in and causing trouble in your body…keep this stuff coming out…I know it’s toxic, I know it hurts, I know you feel terrible…join the club, we can hear you and empathise
you say:
“I hate myself. I have lost myself. I am very depressed, and just feel so damaged”
That’s the truth. This is how we are affected by sociopathic intimacy….because the intimacy was a game, and act …a survival ploy…it is devastating to discover there is nothing coming from this man that would suggest he cares about you AT ALL
Please do not up the ante by thinking of suicide (something he did) please stay with the way you feel and put one word after the other…His lack of empathy, concern and remorse is WHY you are feeling so low…but it actually has nothing to do with you…he is hard wired to do this to ANYONE and you happened to fall for him.
Think of the woman you were before you met him, and know that you will get her back in time as long as you can face into the feelings….crying is inevitable and is very good, I remember pining for him like a puppy, I was in bits and it alternated between crying and shock for months…and No He didn’t come back…and at this stage that was my blessing in disguise…but it sure didn’t feel like it at the time.
Don’t fool yourself that you can become “friends” there is nothing remotely friendly about the way he is treating you…nothing.
Going ‘cold turkey’ and not seeing him may be too harsh for you right now and I know my advice is controversial, and you don’t have to take any of it if it does not hit the spot for you….but I do not see that things could get much worse….so if you take him back again this time…it will only be in the short term while you get your head around a real escape…so do not beat yourself up for talking to him, trying to work it out again….I know I would have…..but you just get another lesson…and the lessons get worse and it’s a no win situation in the end….but we have to do it our own unique ways…and your way will be unique to you.
Keep talking with us here, sometimes it’s hard to ask for help when you need it the most, but there is nothing like engaging and relating to others who have been through the same thing and really understand…thinking of you xx
paralyzed82,
You are young, having a future ahead of you that could include a normal, well-adjusted man, an actual kindhearted person who knows how to treat a woman. Reach for that goal, avoiding the ex. Use your time to get over this heel (a phrase used by Wini), putting your energies to good use, yourself! I have told my h-spath (we’re separated) that girls do not want to grow up to marry men like him, being damn sure that my own little girl won’t repeat history, hooking up with a sociopath. I was thinking this morning that my relationship with the h-spath started out pretty good, then it unravelled (over several years time), revealing a character that I don’t want to be involved with (eg. a liar, thief, etc.), not knowing (nor wanting to know) all the bad things that he’s done – you can only absorb so much knowledge about these folks, the facts that you find out being unpleasant and unsettling. Relationships should be blessings, not wearing us down, causing us to feel constantly injured by the supposed loved one. Blessings to you.
Both Delta1 and paralyzed82 provide outstanding advice.
Delta1:
“Sometimes we can bond very much to someone ’because’ they are hurting us. This was the case with my relationship in the past with an abusive man…”
Actually you feel a stronger bond to someone who’s hurting you ”“ that’s because we hoping for the crumbs of relief that come when they ‘stop just stop’ being cruel…”
“All of us on LF ”“ who’re no bunch of idiots behaved in ways that were shaming and embarrassing to look back on …” — that’s me!
“…we’re all good strong people and not ’losers’. Usually we were picked because we are exceptionally caring and empathic people …” — Very true and for me there even was this subconcious bonding going on that I was not aware of until after the fact. While there was some mirroring, I essentially met a sociopath version of myself., hence my strong sense I met a soulmate.
“..the ’devalue and discard’ stage is THE WORST…” — this great and for me, new insight. They dump you, but still want to keep you close. From my x-spath: “I can now only offer friendship… but we can be great friends…”
paralyzed82:
“Don’t fool yourself that you can become “friends” there is nothing remotely friendly about the way he is treating you”nothing…” — I needed to be hit with a brick several times before I realized this.
Even my psychologist did not understand why this was all so hard for me until I read to him Dr. Jekyl / Mr. Hyde from this http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2010/01/27/12-characteristics-psychopaths-sociopaths