Lovefraud frequently hears from readers who have been discarded by sociopaths, but still feel like they’re in love with them, and can’t get them out of their minds. We frequently tell these readers that sociopathic relationships are very much like addictions.
Now, there’s proof. A recent study found that “the pain anguish of rejection by a romantic partner may be the result of activity in parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings,” according to Science Daily.
Read Romantic rejection stimulates areas of brain involved with motivation, reward and addiction on sciencedaily.com.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Ox,
I haven’t had contact in that time and will definately not be giving him anymore money. He wants nothing to do with me…he has nothing here, and is camping in the bush…
to be honest unless you have encountered one,most people dont”get” psychoprats. i think the most benefical thing is my very large brother and close personal bonds to people.he misinterpreted my love of him for neediness,i do worry about him seeking revenge,not him personally but some other poor soul he manipulates in to believing im the villain.
In the month since he got locked up,ive spoken to hisl mother,sister and ex and they have all been attacked violently by him ,he tried to hit me twice,and i fought back with a ferocity that scared us both.i believe at heart they are cowards,they are too self serving not to be.
Delta1;
That link “You Think That You Are So Special” was a good post. While not all of it resonates with me, the following was especially true:
“He’s told you all his deep dark secrets (at least, all the ones he thinks can win him sympathy and attention). He’s acknowledged how he behaved badly in the past (even though it was brought out by who he was with)…”
Yeah, I knew he had been on anti-depressants a couple of times and that his father abandoned him and his family. I knew he grew up poor in what was then a very impoverished city and that his mother (and father) died when he was 21.
I knew he had a “kid in a candy shop” phase when he moved to the big city.
What he did not tell me is that the “kid in a candy shop” phase never ended, or at least it was only slowed by his ageing and increased difficulty in luring his preferred target, young guys.
He did not tell me he was HIV+.
He did not tell me he had active profiles on at least a half dozen websites.
He did not tell me he had an addiction to pornography, very graphic and unsafe pornography.
He did not tell me that in order to “match” highly with him, according to one website’s questionnaire, you should be willing to date a somebody into S&M.
He did not tell me that in order to “match” highly with him, according to the questionnaire, you should be willing to date a former sex industry worker.
He did not tell me that in order to “match” highly with him, according to the questionnaire, you should be willing to date somebody convicted of a sex crime.
Paralyzed, don’t be in denial — dig deep and accept. You will, in the long run, get over a sociopath quicker.
You’re coming out of denial that he is in any way shape or form ‘good for you’ in the long run – that’s like being shot in the stomach and heart it’s gonna hurt LIKE HELL. Like you for a couple of weeks I couldn’t eat, sleep, walk, talk or even feel human for awhile.
Don’t you know the Sociopath enjoys your suffering and pain – do you really want to give him the sick pleasure of seeing you like a wounded animal? He’s gonna get off on it hunny – no doubt about it, probably taking the opportunity to implant some new sick programming too.
I was lucky – mine exN really dumped me and I had no choice but to let go and deal with his telling me about his new ‘soulmate’. OMG I wanted to just DIE. By the time he came back though- a few months later I was ‘over wanting him’ and could see what he was. So if you manage to kick the habit yourself I will be full of admiration. If it helps – i guarantee he will come back later – if you need to tell yourself you’re gonna see him again ‘one day’ to get through the next 6 months then so be it. Maybe (probably) you won’t want him when you’re well – but it’s your life right?
Thing of your Sociopath as a drug pusher if it helps! They can seem real charming whilst selling you the poison that’s gonna kill ya!
Rattlesnake brain – you sound like you’re full on in ‘the anger stage’ I can relate sooo much as I was volacanically, murderously angry for the longest time once I got out of denial. Had means, motive and opportunity for some hideous crime towards him – settled for counselling for myself and court action – but it was a close run thing at the time. I’m really glad now my ‘take care of me’ side won out rather than ‘kill him’ side as it’s been overall a better path to healing – I took all that anger and channelled it into getting my life back, starting a band, my work etc. It’s hard to be reminded of all that anger and how the encounter with my exN brought out the sociopath in me (for a while – it wasn’t my ultimate orientation thank god!) Kathy Hawke’s articles on anger are great.
Best wishes
Delta1
Delta,
you are bang on..I think I am just processing that I will NEVER have a relationship again with this man. He was everything to me for the last 3 years, and it is so overwhelming to think of how I am going to start rebuilding my life. At this point, I am just gettng by..but I don’t know, its like each passing day that goes by with no phone call from him its feels more and more like a punch in the stomach.
I am so confused because I know that even if he was to call me, I know nothing good will come out of it, as he will just lie and manipulate. I just feel sick about the whole thing..and was so blinded. I did everything I could just to get him to love me, and this is where it got me.
Thanks again for the comments, everyone..I am going to keep reading the articles and comments.
Please pray that I gain strength daily.
I also wanted to mention that he pretty much dumped me too..but still left “room” for more contact again–he told me he loved me, and would call me, as well as he borrowed my BBQ to bring camping. Uggh makes me sick as he is probobly BBQing his new woman dinner 🙁 I hate that I am jealous.
paralyzed82 jealous is so normal. You are still in his energetic “soup” sexual bonding is such a strong attachment it can feel like death without object of our affection, they know this of course and capitalise on it, they feel like big men when we are on our knees almost begging for them ….
the only cure for this energetic withdrawal is NO CONTACT but of course that can be almost impossible the first days of the rejection and the subsequent pining, longing for everything to be okay, trying to be a better person so that he will love you properly etc. etc.
I would imagine him with other women and they would all be better than me, that’s why they got him…something wrong with me..on and on…this is the type of stinking thinking that some of us fall into, due to low self esteem started well back in childhood…I was so jealous…but it’s so good to be able to admit it, and say it and feel it.
Today I feel terrible pity for the woman he is with. I know what he is capable of setting up and then slowly pulling down inch by torturous inch..and yes I’m afraid to say he did enjoy the suffering he inflicted.
He seemed to enjoy causing confusion and would laugh at my attempts to grasp what was happening…He knew he had me…but only for a while, I copped on and pulled away…but couldn’t manage it because I was so in love with him (the illusion of him)…then begged him to come back…he left me with “I don’t know…I will think about it” meanwhile he was driving a car I paid for and was busily stealing my money behind my back….
I needed this last punch in the gut to really see what a conniving, cruel unfeeling super-slut he really was…it’s my priveledge and honor to be free of him, it’s like winning the lotto to be honest!!!
being dumped is something that happens in life and it’s surviveable if a bit humiliating. Being dumped by a sociopath is so confusing, baffling, unresolved, a feeling of hanging by a thread…because they do keep the door open by not giving proper closure. The only reason they leave it up in the air is to demonstrate their power over you, and even keep you in reserve in case you will be needed again to bail them out, bask in your emotional outpourings and generally make sure they have really drained every bit of juice out of you…then, he will be gone, because like old chewing gum you have lost your flavour and he has spotted something up ahead thet could be more interesting.
sounds like he will be back at some stage…but I would imagine he is with someone else…check your intuition…you will feel it deep down….I totally sympathise with you and feeling sick is appropriate! you sound a bit stronger…keep talking
“Think of your Sociopath as a drug pusher if it helps…”
Its kind of a two way street. While we become “addicted” to them, their victims are a high for them.
The difference is that they only get short-term highs. Thus the constant need for new partners…
bulletproof;
Great advice to paralyzed82.
They only things I would add is to keep out of denial, focus on all his bad traits (like I keep doing) and get angry. Took me a year to do that because of denial and the covert pity-play.
Once angry, I found my feelings toward him rapidly change.
Second, while bing dumped is a blow to the ego, we were targeted because we are desirable.
Hi all
Paralysed – 3 years to build a life with S – it’ll take a while at least 6 months for you to start filling up that hole. He made sure that you constantly focused on him by behaving badly and that you didn’t have time to maintain your own seperate life outside of him – in order to gain control of you.
Hunny – getting your life back is literally a ‘life or death’ decision for you now.
Try a bit of Lauren Hill – songs ‘ex-factor’ and ‘I used to love him’ are pretty good!
The ego blow is really hard to get over too – particularly when you realise that the person was not and will never be worth your time – and they cannot be fixed.
But hunny – think of how powerfully you can help yourself by giving all your energy love and caring back to yourself instead of to a careless and empty man.
Take your power back luvly – one day at a time.
Delta 1