Lovefraud frequently hears from readers who have been discarded by sociopaths, but still feel like they’re in love with them, and can’t get them out of their minds. We frequently tell these readers that sociopathic relationships are very much like addictions.
Now, there’s proof. A recent study found that “the pain anguish of rejection by a romantic partner may be the result of activity in parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings,” according to Science Daily.
Read Romantic rejection stimulates areas of brain involved with motivation, reward and addiction on sciencedaily.com.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
thank you so much everyone. I am sitting here bawling my eyes out as I just have no desire to do anything at this time. I just feel so empty and lonely.
Bulletproof:
He did the same to me, he told me he didn’t know what he wanted, to give him time, he indicated that he just didn’t know. Meanwhile, he was hanging out with this woman every single day. In the evenings he would come home and pretty much just go to bed–did not have much to say. He was so withdrawn–unless he wanted something; money usually.
He told me had no feelings for anyone, that he has flatlined, and can’t be a bf to anyone…all the while he was texting the other woman saying that he loved her. It just makes me sick, I wanted nothing but to have him love me and desire me the way he once did, and the way he now desires her.
I just feel so broken. I want to be rid of this pain and emotional termoil but it is all so daunting.
Paralysed
Oh darlin’
Crying is good, crying is getting the poison out. All I’ll say is that it’s gonna come in waves for all the feelings of shock, hurt, greif to come all jumbling over themselves.
BBE is right – the only way to tap into wanting rid of him is when you eventually start to ‘find your righteous anger’ – though that’s also darn uncomfortable to be honest.
He was lying to the new woman, and he was telling the truth to you about having no feelings. When he’s nothing to gain by fooling you anymore – then ‘the mask starts to slip’.
I think what may help is to hold onto your feeling I WANT TO BE LOVED, I WANT TO BE HELD, I WANT TO BE COMFORTED – cos darl you deserve all of those things – and you WILL BE LOVED, COMFORTED AND HELD – but it’ll be by someone new in the future luv. You can’t imagine that right now and it’s normal – but it’s just the way of life and love and the universe. We’re all built able to have more than one love in life. It would be a crap design if we imprinted on only one ‘other’ mother nature knows what she’s doing when she come to giving us a capacity to love and to heal. It’s sad your S ex will NEVER know this feeling of love and caring.
But also – don’t cry too long. I found that I could cry 12 hours straight and it got too exhausting. Try to get ‘breaks’ and go out and ‘distract’ even if it’s for 10 mins having a bath, looking at the sky or anything.
I remember the first time I literally stumbled to go and look at the sea (near where I live) it took me 1/2 an hour to walk there and 1/2 an hour to walk back. But it was my ‘token gesture’. Eventually these gestures become 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 a day. Before you know it – maybe a whole day has gone past where you were okay, then a couple of days, then a week etc.
Hang in there.
This is your weekest time – PRAY he leaves you alone so you can be allowed to heal.
I also remember driving in the car with the music turned up tootling along on a country road SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS that I wanted the pain the pain to end. Eventually it stopped for me – and it will stop for you too.
Do you have any friends who can physically be with you to give you comfort and cuddles?
Blessings
Delta 1
paralyzed82,
My twin sister and a friend both told me the same thing (within a day of each other), my h-spath is a boy-man (a boy in a man’s body). He drives me nuts, being immature and irresponsible. I want so much better for myself. You cannot share a life with these creatures, not being worth the time and effort. My h-spath has created so much hurt, not seeing how his actions affect his family members. You deserve better than this low-life who has attached himself to you. I am definitely not out of the woods yet, my compassionate side having a hard time leaving him in the ditch, but if I want my sanity, I have to walk on by. He is incapable of being a mature man, being too damaged due to his upbringing and genetics. You’ve given the best part of yourself to the wrong person – it’s okay to wake up and realize that this man is not the one, being unable to truly love anyone in a normal, healthy way.
I found certains songs along the way really helped….I suppose a kind of backing track to it all as I went….Delta1 I agree Lauren Hill really sings it from that woman place!! here are my personal favorites:
Bad Romance – Lady Ga Ga
Bulletproof – LaRoux
Fergie- Big Girls Don’t Cry
Bless This Road- Mary Black (great to cry to ha ha have tissues)
Gallileo- Indigo Girls
Lift Me Up- Moby
These songs all have a healing effect and hit the range of emotions we go through….music travels to places words cannot and it’s been really important for me to heard these songs just at the right moments…each one bringing me on.
I would love to hear songs that perhaps other people found healing….thanks
paralysed..the tears serve to break through the shock and denial, a nessecary stage….like a frozen finger thawing out…it hurts like hell!! you are so brave to keep posting and sharing…when you are going through hell…keep going!!
paralyzed82 I just wrote something posted it and it never came up on that thread you are on so I hope you read it in this one…I assume it’s deleted? I don’t know…apologise if I’m repeating myself…so annoying I have to write it again!
Delta1 I agree with the Lauren Hill singing and music in the car and singing along. Music hits a place where words cannot get to! and it’s incredibly healing. Songs that REALLY helped me along the way at different times ..are:
Bad Romance- Lady Ga Ga
Bulletproof- LaRoux
Fergie- Big Girls Dont Cry
Bless this road- Mary Black (paralysed this one is for you, get the tissues out….)
Gallileo – Indigo Girls
Lift Me Up- Moby
Can people let me know of any songs that particularly helped you because I love the medium of music to heal by…thanks!!
Paralysed you are so brave to continue posting and feeling your feelings…if you can stay with it you will be actually travelling through the mess…if you are going through hell keep going and get a cool backing track to keep you company…and sing out loud…use your voice…it’s really good to get it OUT!! yay!
I’m new. I’ve been reading here for a couple of weeks. I’m trying to figure out what is wrong. I believe and know that something is terribly wrong in my circumstance but I haven’t been able to understand it. I have very mixed-up emotions and it’s always like a roller coaster. I’m not normally that way, I’m just an average person. I don’t even watch soap operas!
But the things that have been happening are just beyond average, and really, just beyond belief. I need perspective! Is it just me (I don’t think so), am I over-reacting, or under-reacting … I don’t even trust my judgment anymore. I don’t trust anything or anyone. The stuff going on would curl your hair, and yet here I am living with it every day.
One moment I think, just quit being such a baby, everyone has problems, get on with life (people tell me this)… then the next hour I am racked with emotional pain and think, this is crapola and I’m stick of it!
Maybe I’m being way too overboard to characterize this person as a “psychopath” – wow, that is such a loaded word. Maybe he just has problems, and hopefully they’ll get better. Do I really think I’m involved with someone who is a “Psychopath”!!
On the other hand, virtually all the checklists and characteristics that I’ve read fit very much. I started by Googling “opportunist” to find out why he acts like he does, always looking out for number one. Why one moment he seems to care deeply about something (a car, a possession, a person, an activity) then the next day/next month could care less. You would think if something is meaningful in your life it would remain meaningful, or at least your interest would slowly fade. Instead, he is always looking for something new, is “bored” hour by hour. He seems ADD.
My next search lead me to “narcissist” and yes, he is very much that. He always thinks his opinion is right. He barely tolerates listening to someone else’s opinion. His contribution to any topic of conversation is an anecdote about him. This is fine but ALL THE TIME?? If I say, “My daughter painted me a pretty picture, see?” he will say, “I can paint! And I like to draw, and have I told you about the time I … blah, blah, blah.” What a baby! If I mention I had a nice lunch, he’s not happy for me, instead he says, “Aw, where’s mine?” It’s almost impossible to get him to talk about anything besides himself. He certainly doesn’t care about my life except to inquire for info he can use. “Are you watching a movie?” means can I have the TV, etc.
Plus, he has most/all of the other narcissism traits too. Rage when he doesn’t get his way, feeling offended and not getting the “respect he deserves”, constantly wanting to be told what a good job he does on something, feeling superior to others, thinking he should have special privileges (from cutting in line to trespassing to outright stealing). All this could be a maturity issue though I guess. I hate to think he has a true mental disorder, but the more I read, the more I believe it.
Since it seemed like narcissism didn’t fully explain it, I found “borderline PD” and there is a lot that matches there too, especially the abandonment part. He constantly wants me to assure him that I love him. He is very clingy (or was, before he moved on from me). He has anger problems, mood swings, impulsive behavior, everything on the checklist really.
On top of that, he can be abusive and threatening. And he can turn that off and on like a switch. He uses this tactic if he thinks it will work for him. Making me afraid of him used to work until one day, he was asking to borrow $20 and I said no, so here we go again … Well, he was in a hurry that day ( he needed a smoke quick, ha ha) and didn’t have time to go through the whole abusive process, so he just cycled from one emotion to the next. He turned off his anger too quickly and tried a guilt-trip approach within seconds. So manipulative!
Anyway, now I’m reading about sociopaths, and so much of it fits. I’m scared! Of course there have been many red flags, but I have had a reason for ignoring them. I knew he had problems from the beginning, but I was trying to help him change, grow up, get better, be mature, learn, find God, get established in life. Leave his old bad ways behind and become a good person. I wasn’t trying to “have a relationship” but instead to help him. He seemed so sweet and full of potential at first, just needed some love and attention. Instead, I apparently make an excellent target.
I guess it doesn’t matter what you call him, or an actual diagnosis, but I know there is something wrong here. I have read the other stories and can relate to so much of it.
The main problem is not him, as much as ME. If he were a normal person, why should I come away so totally devastated? Why has there been this much effect on me? Why am I having a hard time just functioning and living and thinking straight if there’s not something seriously wrong? Over the last 2 years I have lost 35 lbs (I’m small anyway), have not been able to perform well at my job at all, have developed rocky relationships with my kids and everyone else, have become irritable and grouchy. I want left alone and don’t enjoy much anymore. I don’t feel close to God or anyone. I don’t WANT to be close to anyone. My marriage (yes, I’m married) is torn up. I think about him all the time, like an obsession. In fact, I think I’m addicted to him. Or was, until recently when I began reading and deciding I am going to get out of this somehow.
I had a really good (if average) life before this person. I only befriended him trying to be kind and generous. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing by trying to help him. I’m not sure I can admit much more than this right now. You who have lived through it, thank you so much for sharing what you have been through. You can probably guess what happened next.
Anyway, I am consumed by guilt that I was trying to do something right in the world and it has gone so totally wrong. If I could just label him an evil predatory P it would be all his fault and maybe I’d feel better.
To those who have read this, thanks for listening. I don’t think I can say much more right now. I appreciate you already, and respect you who have survived.
Dear Justdreamin,
Go ahead and LABEL HIM. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and waddles like a duck—there’s a good chance it is a DUCK!
I’m glad you are here and reading, because the more you learn the more you will realize that he is manipulating you, and that your GOOD QUALITIES of compassion, empathy etc ARE BEING TURNED AGAINST YOU to make you feel guilty for not making him happy, for not providing everything you have to him.
NO CONTACT is the answer—cut him off and out. if he is living with you pile his stuff on the porch, change the lock, change your phone numbers and do not respond. And NO, you do not owe him an explaination of what you are doing.
You do not owe him anything. You have been in the FOG–fear, obligation and guilty. BLOW AWAY THE FOG!
Go back here through the articles and read and read and read! Knowledge will give you back your power! God bless.
justdreamin-I’m sorry you have to be here, but welcome. Please read all over the place here and learn. My ex malignant narcissist has other characteristics that overlap as well. One thing that I read is that malignant narcissists have also a combo of antisocial personality disorder and paranoia, in addition to their narcissism.
One thing you said jumps out at me. You said something about immaturity. Narcissists are stuck in childhood and some compare them to the “terrible twos” in grown up bodies. I don’t know if you truly know much about his childhood, but NPD usually results from some severe trauma/abuse/mal-attachment as children. Their development becomes stuck at the age where the trauma occurs in their childhood. They develop the false self to insulate and protect them from traum/abuse. The false self is all powerful and omniscient and grandiose. This false self is worn like a mask. It’s just like the mask that sociopaths wear and they react pretty much the same when that mask slips. Keep reading everything here and talking to people. It was a life saver for me and it continues to be everyday.
Hello Just Dreaming.. I dont think you are just dreaming, sounds to me you are a classic victim of a toxic, manipulative and exploitive person. The longer you stay in contact with this person the more devasted you will become. Your life is in danger if you stay involved, you have a reason to be fearful, even if this guy is physically harmless LOOk at the damage he has already done. Stop trying to diagnose him it doesnt matter..peace
thank you so much everyone for these comments. I enjoy reading all of them. I too, experienced the “little boy” who would throw tantrums if I refused to give him money to get a coffee, or to buy him 2% milk (I drink fat free) all the while he had 0 income and I was supporting him-us. He would throw tantrums if I did not give him what he wanted; he would use fear and intimidation to get what he wanted, it worked because I am fearful of the man.
All the while he would be hanging out with other women, chatting to them on dating websites, porn sites, etc. I can’t believe how much I tolerated from this man.