Lovefraud frequently hears from readers who have been discarded by sociopaths, but still feel like they’re in love with them, and can’t get them out of their minds. We frequently tell these readers that sociopathic relationships are very much like addictions.
Now, there’s proof. A recent study found that “the pain anguish of rejection by a romantic partner may be the result of activity in parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings,” according to Science Daily.
Read Romantic rejection stimulates areas of brain involved with motivation, reward and addiction on sciencedaily.com.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
I think it was Henry who said the constant thinking of the P was like a “brain virus” so true for me anyway. I have to trust the fact that “time heals” but how much time are we talking about with these relationships? I have had this “brain virus” for too long now and see no relief in sight.
Delta1-yeah and I’m going to have a hard time holding in laughter when she does come face to face with me and reads my badge. I’ve learned through all this that I DON’T have to be nice all the time. My people-pleasing (thanks N egg donor) caused me to fall for his crap. His lies and manipulation. He said all the right things and lies to get me to go AGAINST my beliefs. I can’t believe that my own self hatred(thanks N egg donor) allowed ME to be naive enough to fall for his lies and be with him even though he was married. Big fat lesson for me. I get the impression that some peeps on here want to put me down for it-you know who you are-and ya know what, I don’t give a crap. Nobody knows how I feel unless they can put on my shoes and walk around in them. I know it will be much harder for HER than it is for me being in the same building. I can understand how she feels-BUT: one does NOT get to make threats against me and get away scot free without me being angry. When she wanted to divorce him she tried to cuddle up to me to get me on her side. She wanted it to be “us against him”. Then she pulled a Mr Hyde just like he did and began being nasty and made threats against me.
My deal is that I am not entertaining her AT ALL. I can’t even anticipate what will happen when she figures out who I am. She could be VERY ugly and I’m going to have to turn around and walk the other way. People from the police that know me have told me NC in any way shape or form with either one of them. If they mess with me I’m to document it. Any attempts at phone calls/emails will be saved. She has a much higher rank than me at the hospital but I have more seniority. She is probably thinking that it’s been a year since he discarded me. She probably THINKS she has him on a very short leash and now it’s time for her to come here and start fresh. EVERYONE from the last place we worked together knew about what happened with me and her husband, as well as the fact that she let him BUY her back. She was probably a little humiliated there and she probably thinks that life is like a bowl of cherries now. I’m sure she thinks he’s never going to cheat again( keep dreamin’)-nevermind that he’s done it since they first got married.
Anyway-I’m out! I’m on with my life and she will have to deal. There is no more vulnerability about me now-only empowerment and self esteem that’s coming back. She will have to deal with what SHE TOOK BACK!!!!
Dear Cat,
You wrote, “I know that the love I felt at one time for the ex was genuinely real and I don’t deny or dishonor that. I know that what I gave him was the best, and then some, of me. When we give from the heart, we give from a very special place and I’m happy that my heart still loves. Did he deserve it? NO. He took it and used it and twisted and turned it all around. I have found I use far less energy this way and when I think of him, I look at him as a fool. That’s what he is.”
Your words really resonated with me. I also loved my N/S more than I had ever loved anyone and it came from a deep place in my heart. Finally here was someone who “got” me and he really seemed to want our relationship to be permanent. He was so smart, we would talk for hours and never tire of each other, and we had such fun together. For three years I was very much in love and could not imagine life without him.
The devastation of suddenly finding out that he was sleeping with his ex-wife AND carrying on with a young woman at work.. well, I have never experienced such shock. It’s been five years and it still echoes and hurts at times. I will never forget his face when I discovered the truth. It turned a strange shade of gray. This must be what they talk about when the N/S becomes unmasked! It was pure evil and although it lasted just an instant, it felt like I saw the devil himself. I don’t even remember the rest of that night.
Well, of course, that was not the end of our relationship.. several months later I let him back in when he told me he didn’t want to lose me and swore the fling with the co-worker was over, never to happen again. Well, I was totally fooled because he was still seeing her, but it took almost another year for me to realize that. Still, I kept on loving him and forgiving him. Then I ended it for a while (AGAIN) when I couldn’t take the pain anymore.
During that period of no contact, he took up with one of his ex-wife’s friends, while still seeing his ex-wife AND dating the co-worker. Finally that woman dumped him because mutual friends of theirs did not approve of the fact that he was dating his ex-wife’s friend and gave them a hard time.
Then we went through a period when we were just “friends.” I knew my sense of reality was twisted and that I had ZERO boundaries left when I would listen to him talk about the triangle of ladies, all the while making himself sound like the victim and assuming no responsibility for the debacle that he created. I listened ad nauseum, gave him advice.. then later I would feel sick at my stomach because of course I still cared for him. But he didn’t really care about my feelings and it was hard to acknowledge that to myself. So I brushed that aside.
Then a few months ago I sat through a conversation in which he shed tears and told me how much he had “loved” his wife’s friend, how she was “perfect” for him, and how he could never go back to her because she “hurt” him when she broke off their relationship!!
Finally, I realized that the love I had once felt had been replaced by an unhealthy ADDICTION to his drama. I didn’t really know this person, nor did I know myself anymore. And he was still lying about minor things.. unnecessary, senseless lies!!! Suddenly one day about six weeks ago, after discovering another lie, all the frustration I had held inside for five years exploded, and I was able to look at him and feel nothing but disgust for his weakness and what he had done not only to me but to the other women. Yes, we were all participants but the way he treated each woman was appalling.
Thank God for that moment.. I never could get to that point before, and I don’t understand why it took me that long. I’m just grateful I did. I got out just before totally losing myself.. and my sanity. Slowly I am rebuilding my emotional strength and my self-esteem. For many of us on here, it will be a long journey and thank goodness for the people and stories on this blog. They truly make a difference along the road to recovery. Bless you all!
E72, YOu Go GF!!!!! NO CONTACT, don’t even act like she is visible. YOu can do it! Besides, you are far better off than she is, SHE HAS HIM AND YOU DON’T. You have learned what he is and believe me HE IS NO PRIZE—-that is definitely one contest you don’t want that prize. SO YOU WIN—the loser gets him! Hold your head up high, stick your chin out, and just keep on walking!
Every one of us, every living human, have made mistakes in the past, but we are learning from them, and doing better now. That’s all anyone can do! So keep on trucking!
MO152-the way you described that deep in your heart love for your ex was exactly identical to my relationship. That whole paragraph you used is it and I couldn’t have described it any better. It’s been over a year since mine discarded me but sometimes it seems like yesterday. Part of it seems like a dream or something. The utter pain and devastation that I felt last summer was the most intense and exhausting pain of my life. I can’t even relate to it now but I just remember weeping heart wrenching sobs for months and months. I was unemployed and couldn’t keep work because I was so devastated. I was in a dark room all summer bawling my head off day and night. Sometimes now I think-did that really happen? Was I really like that? He is a malignant narcissist-the worst kind of evil and I know intellectually that it was all fraud but sometimes deep in my heart, I miss the love of my life. I wish that my heart could catch up with my head. I can’t stand to admit that when I see his wife at work, I do feel a tiny bit of pain. She has him and they deserve each other but I wonder why I still feel this way cuz I would never ever ever have him in my life again! I don’t get it!
Thanks Oxy for lifting me up there. I appreciate it. I am going to keep it up. I know I won and she lost. The loser gets the narcissist. She’s walking around that job all ms smiley but when she smiles her face looks constipated. That smile is going to turn into something quite nasty when she finally catches a look at my name badge. It will be NOTHIN NICE. If I can maintain this control with it, it will be HUGE for me. I will feel tough as nails-just like you. ((hugs))
E72,
Sweetie I’m not tough as nails, but I am as stubborn as an old sow badger sometimes! LOL Actually I’ve kind of been a push over and a sucker for a sob story, which is really how I ended up here at LF in the first place. Too gullible, too giving and too much of a sucker. But I”m learning to stand up for myself, so let’s me and you learn together, OK? We will learn to NOT REACT to whatever they do. We will raise our heads high and walk away silently, let them scream and make an ass out of themselves, we will be ABOVE all that carp! WE CAN DO IT!!!!
Hens-I completely agree with you on that one. I think that I am better of single-except there is that one part of me who wants to get married and have a child before I get too old.
Oxy-I am with you too. We will learn to not react to them. The hardest part for me will be if I end up with her and my patient in the elevator and she messes with me. I can’t stand it when people are inappropriate in front of my patients. A couple weeks ago I chewed on a narcissistic EP physician for making my patient cry right before her procedure-he was being mean. I just have to tell you something too-cuz you’re a nurse and you can relate, but I was so angry at work yesterday I couldn’t stand it. I complain a lot because I feel like most everyone in my dept is S or N. Here’s the story-yesterday morning one of my girls from work was driving in and started having diaphoresis, left arm pain radiating to her jaw and shortness of breath. She had to go to the ER instead of working her shift. She was getting tests all day long. I went down to check on her and when I came back, one of the young xray techs in my dept was in the computer looking at my friends labs and medical history. She does something totally illegal in front of someone who is getting ready to be a cop and thinks it’s ok. I told her-YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THAT-IT’S NOT ALLOWED AND IT’SWRONG. Her response was “I don’t care-I’ll do what I want”. I wanted to smack her 25 year old mouth. Then she was looking up this woman’s CT scan as well and showing it to people and asked the radiologist to read it for them–and HE DID IT. I was mad and said something about it to someone I thought I could trust and he went back and said something to this girl. The next thing I know I have a 25 year old in my face screaming at me for talking about her behind her back. Nevermind the fact that I had just called her out to her face for doing something wrong. There is NO way that I will go to the ER at my own hospital for ANYTHING. It’s offensive for coworkers to look up private business. It’s actually illegal for us to even look up our own lab results.
E72
The responsibility for that even being possible rests under the head of operations or Finance- whoever is in charge of IT.
The computer guys should have their BUTTS handed to them for this even being possible.
If the records about who logged into what database and looked at what files exist, the information which would be evidence for prosecution exists.
Usually, the network adminstrator has access to seeing who logged in and what they looked at….
Just a thought……
Silver-I know that our system does record who looks at what when they log in. I just don’t know if it would pick up on her looking at another coworkers info versus another patient’s information. She said she did it to check on this other nurse. It still was wrong because she didn’t ask her permission. I was with her in the ER checking on her and the ER doc came up to us and started talking to her about her test results and didn’t even ask her if it was alright if he spoke in front of me. I don’t care what excuse they use and how they try to spin it-looking at other’s private info is wrong without their permission. The girl who did it is lucky that I didn’t go to management and she’s going to go off on ME for calling her out.