Lovefraud frequently hears from readers who have been discarded by sociopaths, but still feel like they’re in love with them, and can’t get them out of their minds. We frequently tell these readers that sociopathic relationships are very much like addictions.
Now, there’s proof. A recent study found that “the pain anguish of rejection by a romantic partner may be the result of activity in parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings,” according to Science Daily.
Read Romantic rejection stimulates areas of brain involved with motivation, reward and addiction on sciencedaily.com.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Dear Paralyzed,
Setting boundaries—I had to learn from scratch when it came to those in my family or close to me. Didn’t dare make them unhappy or not give them whatever they demanded….no matter what it cost me.
Learning to set boundaries for EVERYONE changed my life. I am now free to be ME!
JustDreamin, take a deep breath and repeat after me …
HE’S A SELFISH, SELF CENTERED, SELF ABSORBED PIG!
LIFE IS ALL ABOUT HIM AND EVERYONE HE ENCOUNTERS IN THIS WORLD WILL BE USED AND ABUSED BY HIM.
Now, stay with us on this site. Read every article that is listed here to educate yourself to the selfish one’s that walk amongst us.
Any time you want to write, anyone who is on-line will gladly write you back.
In the mean time, keep your waters calm as you go through your healing process. Just writing to this site, started your journey.
Peace to your heart and soul as you heal from this heel.
Thank you everyone for your responses. To be flat-out honest, I posted here because you all seem like a group of kind and compassionate people and I hoped you would help me with my guilt. I cannot believe the things I have let go on. I blame myself for it. I should have been a stronger person. I wish someone could say, Oh it’s not your fault, he’s the evil one, he manipulated you, seduced you, whatever.
But I think I too would be blaming “me” if I were outside looking in on the same situation. I think anybody would blame me. I’m older, more mature, should have been wiser. I should have resisted more. I should have had better boundaries. What was I thinking getting into this mess?
Every time he tried to get me to go along with something inappropriate I said no, but (honestly) this guy didn’t take no for an answer. His favorite line, delivered grimly with steely eyes, was “I always get what I want.” Boundaries added to the fun, the challenge for him !!
Furthermore, I felt “compelled” to act the way I did. I really couldn’t see that I had a choice about it. Being without him literally gave me physical withdrawal symptoms (couldn’t breathe, shaking, nervousness). Constant obsessive thoughts. I didn’t want to act that way, and I never have before in my life. But I really felt like I would die (or might as well) without the relationship.
You can imagine how well I handled it when he discarded me. I could not let him go, at the expense of my remaining self-respect. (Although he has only partly discarded me, still wants me to meet any need he might have on a whim.)
I am reading the book “The Betrayal Bond” and that explains a lot of it. Somehow when I first got to know him and became upset by him (caught him in a lie, for example), I would TURN TO HIM for support and comfort and understanding. That’s crazy right? But he would make me feel better about the “whole mixed up situation”.
He would explain:
the lies were only misunderstandings,
the theft was justified because “they would never miss it anyway”,
he wasn’t smoking, “remember I told you I don’t smoke anymore… it was my friends”,
he didn’t break something, it fell,
he didn’t say that, I imagined it,
he used drugs “in the past” only because he was in a bad situation “then”,
he used to drink heavily because his dad did, not his fault,
he previously got in trouble with the law because he was “set up”,
he cursed someone out “because they deserved it”,
on and on.
I guess I wanted to believe he was “good” and that with love and patience and understanding he would get better, so I was glad to hear his excuses and explanations.
But then I would be vulnerable to him even more. I wish I had had the strength to stop all that but I just couldn’t. I’ve never taken drugs but my addiction to this relationship is surely comparable. HE was making me feel better about HIM, soothing me with his own mind-twisting. I sometimes think he wanted me to be addicted to him. For control, or so he wouldn’t “lose me”. He love-bombed me until he had me hooked, was this on purpose? I was trying to be kind and nice and helpful at this same time, desperately wanting him to get better and straighten up his life so all this would stop. I had a dreadful fear of “losing him” too.
I know that the solution to MY problem would be no contact. That is exactly right. But that wouldn’t help HIM. And he is such a messed up person I know that he will fail in life if I don’t help him anymore. We were apart for 2 months and he literally nearly died. I’m not exaggerating.
I intellectually understand this isn’t my problem, just let him go, it’s his choice, etc., but emotionally I don’t know how I can essentially drop the hammer on someone’s future like that. (Of course, he has planted this guilt in my mind too.)
But for Pete’s sake I was supposed to be his mentor! A good example! Not letting him lead me into all kinds of filth. What kind of person does that. Oh I just hate myself sometimes for what I have allowed to go on. I have already ruined his life enough without the no-contact thing sentencing him to the streets again.
Again, I know this is my emotional reaction and I’ll have to work to make my brain win this one. Thanks for all your input. I am so ashamed of myself I haven’t been able to talk to ANYBODY for 2 years and this site is life-saving.
I apologize for the overly-long post again.
JustDreamin, be easy on yourself as you go through the healing of having evil enter in to your precious space. No one, and I mean no one is a match for an evil person that chooses to victimize whomever they please. Just be glad that you aren’t evil like he and so many in this world are.
Peace.
Bulletproof:
You said this to me, and it made perfect sense!
the only cure for this energetic withdrawal is NO CONTACT but of course that can be almost impossible the first days of the rejection and the subsequent pining, longing for everything to be okay, trying to be a better person so that he will love you properly etc. etc.
I would imagine him with other women and they would all be better than me, that’s why they got him”something wrong with me..on and on”this is the type of stinking thinking that some of us fall into, due to low self esteem started well back in childhood”I was so jealous”but it’s so good to be able to admit it, and say it and feel it.
My self esteem and self worth are SO low, how do Ipick myself up again, and really start to believe that I deserve better? What were some of the things that you did to make yourself feel better?
Today I feel terrible pity for the woman he is with. I know what he is capable of setting up and then slowly pulling down inch by torturous inch..and yes I’m afraid to say he did enjoy the suffering he inflicted.
How long did it take you to start feeling this way? I find that I am going back forth with these emotions…one minute I am in love with him and want him to call, while the next I am angry..
justddreamin – i wish i had more time this morning to repsond to your post, but i do want to take a minute and say how articulate your post is. you are right on the money about everything….except the helping him part.
you can’t.
no amount of try or try harder will make a wit of difference. AND HE IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY, AS YOU ARE YOURS. if you could have saved hm, it would have already happened. it didn’t.
deal with the withdrawal – it is very real. you are reading one of the best books to bring clarity to the ‘why’ of the attachment – keep posting and don’t apologize for long posts. i don’t know why people do that, there are no restrictions here.(although there should be a ‘law’ about paragraph breaks being necessary) take up all the space you need.
you don’t need to apologize for what you have done or for what you need. start being compassionate with yourself for being duped and going over your boundaries.
best,
one step
Hi paralyzed82
Thanks for the questions, delighted to be of any help to you as I know the nightmare for you is unfolding before your eyes
I am a whole year NO Contact. He has never tried to contact me. He was supposed to pay back the money or I was taking him to court. He agreed to pay it back. He never did…
It took me about three to four months to come out of the horrible shock…if he had contacted during this time I would have probably weakened and gone back into it..the shock was also my Denial…I really didnt want to wake up to the truth…I couldn’t bear it…so I just drifted around in a daze telling myself he would call and everything would be explained and we would be okay…
I had horrific bouts of rage where I was going to get all the evidence together to have him in court but he was showing signs of “wanting” that to happen…as if he would enjoy it? he sent an e-mail taunting me…”If I don’t pay the money you can take me to court….” I knew he would fight me and make it hell so he can keep the money and take himself to court..I hope it kills him…my life is more precious than his filthy fraudulent one.
I found it hard to look after myself at the beginning…shock robs so much of the day staring into space like a zombie. I could just about go through the motions and having a routine helped. Get up, work, eat, go to sleep…remember to breathe!! I was very skinny, pale and shook alot….and the crying was horrible deep long wracking sobs that stung my eyes….toxic tears!!
Night time was terrible. I missed his body, I missed his calls, I missed everything about him plus I was having to face it…He robbed me, cheated on me and did’nt care about me at all….that’s a tough package to deal with…the most confusing and crazy time.
I had to speak into a tape recorder!! yep a cheap old fashioned tape recorder… and tape myself saying soothing words…”like it’s okay and just relax …he has totally robbed me but I will be okay. I am safe, I am warm, I have enough food and a roof over my head…….” on and on for 90 minutes!!!
I just soothed MYSELF to sleep, and explained it all TO MYSELF on those tapes….I still listen to the odd one now, they are all updated and much more positive than a year ago..I could feel the progress each time I spoke about it..over and over again until I could handle it!! I didn’t have people to listen to me, They were adding more pain by telling me I was stupid, obsessed, should be over it etc. no body got it…except the people here at lovefraud.
So I would speak into those tapes lovingly to myself…that’s what you have to do…find YOUR OWN unique way to show yourself YOU care for YOU….YOU will never abandon YOU etc. I would have gone crazy unless I did that….the voice on those tapes was very wise…and was me!!! I could hear myself and what I had been through and be both distraught and also comforting, terrified and consoling…all the things I needed to hear like you are important.
your life is valuable, you still have so much left to live for…on and on until I felt support from WITHIN and it happened…that strong woman inside me began to believe herself again over 6 wobbly months of no contact and alot of work building myself back up using those crazy tapes…if anyone saw me at night going to bed alone listening to the tape and falling asleep mid way and it would gently click off after 90 minutes…but it was the only way I could comfort myself…the only way I could avoid nightmares and night panicks
I was very very damaged, very distressed for what seemed like an eternity….it does pass..with no contact it passes quickly!! for me anyway…you had a 3 year relationship…it will take a bit of time but you can start building self esteem NOW by keeping the promises you make to yourself…honoring your word …
I had to make an effort to help myself because if I didn’t I would have become depressed….you could go to a therapist but please be sure the therapist understands the difference between a normal break up and a sociopath break up!! otherwise they will add insult to injury…any more damage on top of what you have just is not acceptable….
So hold yourself, be your own best friend, say to yourself the words you need to hear….do you need to hear it explained back to…try and eat 3 times a day, try and wash…try and be kind to yourself in a very gentle none forcing way…do not give out to yourself…but you will…try not to, it hurts enough as it is….
You are the most important person in this relationship and if this experience forces you to build some self esteem then job done!!
The best way to build a little block of self esteem is to follow through on your hunches. If you say you are going to do something be sure and do it….don’t let yourself down…prove to yourself that you are loving and good by being that way to YOURSELF now.
Plenty of cups of tea, keep warm, lots of sitting, walking in nature, posting on lovefraud, reading up about sociopaths, crying is a luxury as it really cleanses out the system, let the tears come and be loving to yourself as they come, tell yourself how precious you are until you really begin to trust it….
If he comes back…don’t feel ashamed if you can’t hold your boundary, be kind to yourself and trust there is maybe something else you need to see before you quit the relationship…feel everything…and gently turn to face this very tough fact of life….and keep talking here like you do (really well) and let me know what you do to comfort yourself…I need ideas too!!
Wini,
I appreciate your words, “No one is a match for an evil person.” I never believed that. I thought that “love conquers all” and good always wins, and if I just hang in there long enough and don’t quit, things will work out. And the good guys in white hats always save the day at the end of the movie!
So I’m having a hard time accepting the idea that I’m not only going to lose this guy and my hopes for him, but that it has all fallen apart so spectacularly. And that I have wasted all this time, sacrificed everything really, for nothing good. I would sacrifice a lot to help someone, but when it’s all been wasted … well, I guess I don’t like to feel like a loser!
Paralyzed,
I’m relating to your withdrawal symptoms. I had it terribly and still do some, and yes the jealousy is excruciating. He does nothing to shield me from the hurt. In fact, he asks to use my phone to call her! When he went to the next girl, I listened to my brain (not my heart) and KNEW that this was an opportunity to get well and get over it before he came back. Thankfully she took most of his time and I rarely saw him, so in the meantime I could help myself. I remember thinking, you know, I’m not enjoying being jealous. I don’t like this. I can’t quit feeling this way now, but I’m going to work on getting over the parts of it that I can tackle now.
You will feel good about yourself by just not answering the phone once (and anyway he will keep calling, you haven’t really missed anything). I was proud of myself when I even avoided eye contact with him. I don’t know if this helps you, since I’m only a few weeks ahead of you in all this it seems, but the smallest little things make you feel more powerful and you can build on that.
Also, Bulletproof’s last paragraph is true for me. I had to take him back a few times just to “make sure”. I set up a situation that in my own mind would make it clear that he was just using me. And sure enough! Plus sometimes I purposely look at the photos of him and her, with my own eyes. No denying that, as much as it hurts. When I think about him or about going back, I think of the photo. Take care.
Thanks everybody else, too, for your kind and helpful comments.
bulletproof,
I like how you responded to paralyzed82, giving some good advice.
JustDreamin, after you get past the shock of the reality, or should I say the illusion of “them” and get back to a better and improved you. Our thinking “they” were such a waste of our precious time evolves into a more powerful truth that only few of us ever get to learn …that of knowing that love and all the other emotions can only be shared with others that are also in touch with their emotions and on the same journey as us. I don’t view any of as the losers. In reality, we are the chosen winners for finding out through the horror of lies and deception that it wasn’t us, but them that is damaged. We can repair what they’ve done. Unfortunately, “they” can’t. That is the truth we all have to grow and learn as we venture down the path to healing.
Peace.