Lovefraud frequently hears from readers who have been discarded by sociopaths, but still feel like they’re in love with them, and can’t get them out of their minds. We frequently tell these readers that sociopathic relationships are very much like addictions.
Now, there’s proof. A recent study found that “the pain anguish of rejection by a romantic partner may be the result of activity in parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings,” according to Science Daily.
Read Romantic rejection stimulates areas of brain involved with motivation, reward and addiction on sciencedaily.com.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Strungalong…..
Well my dear….sounds to me like you figured it out just fine!
Your here….your researching, your questioning…….
NOW….you just have to make that decision to leave.
THEY DON”T CHANGE!
You get what you got now…..it only get’s worse through the years…..and you degrade and lose all sense of self.
You are putting 2&2 together just fine….CONGRATULATIONS ON THE FIRST MOVE. Discovery.
Now…..make the second and salvage your youth……get out!
I was with a sociopath for 28 years…….trust me…..it ain’t worth it!
My kids are scarred, i’m scarred……and i’m certainly NO younger….only wiser.
You got a head start…..take advantage of it and make the right decidion to protect yourself.
Welcome to LF, i’m glad you found us here. Please click on through the articles and learn about how these types operate.
Then look into the threads and posts and you will soon realize just what I’m advising you.
YES…..If I can move on and be happy at 43…….at 21….you got the world at your fingertips!
Don’t let anyone hold you back!
XXOO
EB
Dear strungalong,
It takes some of longer than others to slip the chain of slavery to our own emotions, but we can do it, or we are doomed to be their emotional slave for life.
Lincioln freed the physical slaves and it is up to us to free our own emotional and physical selves from being controled by our would be slave masters.
The law no longer demands that we stay, women are FREE now,we are free to pack ujpo and move on down the road, or free to pack him up and move him on down the road.
We can assume reswponsibility for our own actions, and one of those actions can be to STOP associating with anyone who is not nice to us. Ain’t that a NEW CONCEPT!
Of course we want relationships with lovers, friends,neighbors,family, children coworkers and lots of other people but we are not required b y law to let those people mistreat us or disrespect us (unless you are in the military) Laugh
So the first step is deciding what you will not accept—what is a deal breaker for any relationship?
I’ll give you some of mine.
If someone I care about, a family member or close friend LIES to me. It is over—done, ended. I don’t do liars up close. I can tolerate liars who don’t know me very well and aren’;t close, but they will never be close to me or trusted.
DISHONESTY–that’s another deal breaker. Do do friendship business with dishonest people.
Someone who is nasty,mean, talks down to servants, children or others or belittles them. Makes people feel badly just for the hell of it.
Anyone who does anything that has no other purpose than to make someone else feel bad about themselves.
RELIABLE, and RESPONSIBLE for their own life needs,place to live, transportation, good money management.
I could go on but you get the idea of what are my “Deal breakers” no mattter how “attractive” they seem to be. It is about substance in a person now not the fluff.
I set boundaries and I expect others to honor those boundaries. If they don’t—oh, well. That won’t work for me.
We each determine how we will allow others to treat us, and I’m no longer assum,ing the DOOR MAT POSTURE! Just makes things work a lot better for me! LOL
Strungalong, the first thing is to know in your heart that he won’t change. PERIOD. No matter waht you say or do, no matter how good you are, or how bad you are…He aint changin’.
The next step is in knowing that you can do this…when you want to be happy, more than you want to be with him, your determination will kick in, and you will do it. How we get to that point is personal to each one of us…we all accepted the unacceptable for far too long…some of us lost more than others, some of got wiser, quicker…it takes whatever it takes, but you are lucky. You’re young and you’ve seen the light…now it’s up to you to decide how much time and energy you want to waste on this infatuation with an empty shell that makes you miserable.
Learn as much as you can, and stay involved with us here, and gradually you’ll accept the futility of being involved with him.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I DO UNDRESTAAND. I spent 7 years, on again off again, with someone I knew was very, very bad for me, and even though I wanted out, it really seemed like I was powerless to help myself. I thought I must be crazy. Eventually it got bad enough, I didn’t have a choice. Thank God.
They say, sometimes we have to hit bottom. How do you know if you’ve hit bottom? You’ve hit bottom if you are at the place where you quit digging the hole. Come on, Girl, climb out.
Thanks for commenting and for the advice, I just honestly hope that i can take control of my own life soon and kick him to the curb. I don’t want to see him with someone else, I’ve been there and it is torture especially now that i know what he is and i don’t want anyone to have to go through what i did.
Good perspective on hitting rock bottom Kim it made me think a lot. I am his doormat, his slave, and i feel pathetic. I bend over backwards for someone that hasn’t really done much of anything for me and why?
Strungalong….
Come join us on the other thread…..we’re having a LF ‘dance’ party in the full moonlight!
Start tonight…..go outside…….look at that beautiful full moon…..do a little dance……and empower yourself.
(it’s something we do from time to time to raise spirits).
strungalong89,
YOU are the gold, he is brass.
YOU are the prize! He’s a loser.
You will forget about him once you
go no contact with him.
Now I think back on some of the boyfriends I had…
that I just totally thought I was in love with,
and that we would be together forever…
when I think of them now… I think “ugh!
WHAT WAS I THINKING?”
You received some very good advice above.
As Hens would say…
This is a life lesson, don’t fail it!
You can do this!!!!
StrungAlong89;
As long as there is denial on your part, it will be difficult to move on. But I think you are past denial; now you require action.
Forget about the pain of seeing him with another person. That will probably happen or most likely, it is already happening.
Forget about fixing him or any of the pity plays, overt or not, that have you empathizing him.
Focus on his actions, not his words and use his actions to get out.
Then NC. Period. This will be hard, but in a few months you will see things in a different light.
Yes, the good person in you will always see something in him that was “good.” Don’t let that deceive you.
Ok I have never blogged before so I hope this is safe.
First let me say I have ended a relationship with someone I believe is a sociopath. Its has been a horrible couple of years. I have lost all my money, self respect, and have been completey engulfed in his twisted world for so long I have lost myself. I recently had a baby and have been left holding the bag with a newborn and all adult responsibilities. I did get a restaining order against him (the 3rd) and this was granted (7 years). It has only been 7 weeks since “no contact” and I am having a very hard time dealing with this this. Despite all the lies, abuse, manipulation and complete control he had over me I am still struggling with the fact that I meant nothing to him. I find myself wanting him to contact me, wanting to understand why he did so many horrible things to me, how he can live with himself. I almost feel obsessed with this. I almost have to fight the urge to contact him. How sick is this? I know I need to move on and accept things but I just cant seem to do it. This makes no sence to me. Am I crazy? What is going on?
Hi Coping,
You are not crazy. Not in the traditional sense. But you are ‘trauma bonded’. Most of us who come to lf are. It’s what happens in relationships with sociopaths. A very good book about trauma bonding is, ‘The Betrayal Bond’. It has a worbook section, also, and it will help you understand what has happened and how it could.
It’s like an addiction – and you need to divert yourself from thinking about having contact with him. You have figured out that NC is the way to go to begin to break the trauma bond; good for you!
You will never have any answers from him. Period. Being obsessed with wanting answers is common, and one of the big hurdles we all have to clear. Sociopaths ARE different than us. t would make sense to ask a non disordered person these questions, as you might have a chance of getting answers, BUT not of a sociopath. You will get NO satisfaction – only more pain in asking them.
You will learn which questions are really important to your healing, and where you can get those answers: from inside of yourself and from people like the lovefraud posters, who intimately know what you are experiencing.
Please keep posting, and most importantly read the threads. There is a listing on the left side of this page. It’s good that you found your way here – there is a lot of knowledge, experience and information on lovefraud, and we will help you.
Dear COPING,
Welcome to lovefraud. NO, you are NOT CRAZY. YOU ARE A VICTIM, and knowledge about what “train” hit you, and also knowledge about yourself will help you heal. KNOWLEDGE=POWER and you need to take back your power. It won’t be quick, and it won’t be easy (especially with a baby) but you CAN DO IT!!!!
Good for you for getting the restraining order. Good for you being 7 weeks no contact.
Good for you coming here.
My suggestion is that you start going back and reading in the archived articles here under the subject headings or author headings and read ALL the old articles. Some of them may not make any sense to you right now but they will later. Just read the articles and save the “zillions” of comments for later. Also, continue to read the new articles and blog here about your gand your questions. Some questions will be answered in the older articles as you go along. KNOWLEDGE=POWER.
Realize you are NOT ALONE, and you are NOT STUPID, you just got fooled, llike we ALL DID.
Also, go to Dr. Liane Leedom’s site “parenting the at risk child” (there’s a link here on blog rolls) because you have a child with this monster and you need to have support in raising that child to be a good caring and empathetic person, Dr. Leedom also has a child by the man who abused her so she knows first hand what she is talking about.
If you don’t have some social support (or maybe even if you do) contact social services and see if there is a support group for single young mothers that you could join. When my kids were small even though I had a husband at home to help, I had friends who were also young mothers and we traded baby sitting to give each other breaks. If you are also trying to work to make a living you have your hands full and need all the support you can get!
Keep coming here regularly too. There is good emotional and psych support here and information that will help you heal.
Good luck and God bless.