Lovefraud frequently hears from readers who have been discarded by sociopaths, but still feel like they’re in love with them, and can’t get them out of their minds. We frequently tell these readers that sociopathic relationships are very much like addictions.
Now, there’s proof. A recent study found that “the pain anguish of rejection by a romantic partner may be the result of activity in parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings,” according to Science Daily.
Read Romantic rejection stimulates areas of brain involved with motivation, reward and addiction on sciencedaily.com.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
I have stopped crying. I started crying at about 9 oclock this morning. It is almost 7 oclock in the evening. I have been on the internet learning and hopefully helping someone else understand that they are not alone. I feel the pain. In a way, I am thankful to feel pain. Because, that makes me human. I am a good trusting human being and I can love and be loved.
I appreciate any and all support. Most people around me, just can’t understand. It is has been frustrating, so I am glad I can come here for help.
Sadme, I am so sorry that you are hurting so. I know that hurt. I can’t relate to the financial exploitation as mine did not do that but yes he exploited everything else. He systematically wore down my boundaries and defenses. And he had me questioning myself big time!
What is working for me as far as healing is to get in touch with a higher power-whatever you choose to call that source. Meditation, prayer, long walks in beautiful parks, little acts of kindness for yourself. And process here on LF. Vent, talk, read, cry, cuss. My friends, family could only hear so much. My ex N/S is very popular in our community so I could not process to my friends too much.
Let it all out here. Someone will respond to you and help you along. All of us here at LF have been through this and understand COMPLETELY!!
Get a good lawyer and go after the prick if need be. Only you can assess if he could be dangerous if you do decide to go after him for restitution. Most of all NO CONTACT is the best way to heal. It really does clear your head. He is lethal to you emotionally!!
Blessings and sending you a big hug!
LL
Nine years? I totally feel your anger and your pain.
I hope you’ve warned the new girlfriend.
You know, it’s one thing to be lied to, but when the guy who is lying to you is f*cking you at the same time, it’s just mind boggling. The inhumanity of it all is so stunning.
I can’t get over it either.
Somebody who you invite to be close to you emotionally and physically, and you expose yourself to them – and they respond to LYING to your face. It goes against everything we believe about the human race.
Hugs to you today. I hope you can do something else with the anger.
Superkid
sadme – he asked to come back and then hung up before you could answer…i cannot imagine the pain and mindfuckery of that one. your are right, they LIVE for drama. total spath move.
so, he’s gone. this is such a good thing. have you blocked his ability to contact you via phone and email? I even put a block on my phone for unknown or private numbers.
hold tight to your understanding of yourself as a loving and compassionate being, and his hollowness.
I am new to this site. Just found it a couple of days ago and have been reading the blogs for help. I believe I have a common problem but haven’t seen it posted yet (there are many) so figured I would ask.
I met mine 20 years ago while I was in a sexless marriage. He was quite attentive and flattering. Also told a bunch of woppers. To make a long story short, I left my husband, rented an apartment and he moved in with me. For years things were great but something started to go wrong. I’m not sure what but I started realizing he was not what I wanted. He was VERY selfcentered, but we were still getting along. He never took any money from me he didn’t pay back but did talk about the dream RV we would own and travel the country if I started him in business.
Well here’s the problem. I needed to move out of state for family matters and sold my house. He was invited to come with me but he had just purchased a new 2012 Mustang GT and said he needed to pay that off before we could retire. He was going to work for another year and get the car paid off and follow me to the other state. Had an idea what he was up to. After I moved, got a new house and got settled I realized I didn’t want him any more and told him so. So far so good. I didn’t want his BS anymore and told him so. BUT the minute he stopped calling I went into panic mode. I was addicted to him. I don’t love him any more, don’t want to live with him, have told him all of that but can’t stop thinking about him. I could use some words of wisdom on what’s going on in my head. If it was him that broke things off I could see it, but I did it and now all I can think about is him.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Welcome to Love Fraud, stormy: sorry you are here 🙁 But so happy you found us!! ~~ I think the answers you are looking for are here amongst the pages. I am sorry you have had to go through this but I want you to remember WHO you were before you met him and I want you to really reclaim YOURSELF.
Sounds to me like you were ‘conditioned’ and ‘groomed’ and that is what you are feeling. You already know you don’t want that in your life and that you don’t want to be with him. It’s like an addiction and you have to grieve and you have to learn to let go.
Are you in counseling of any kind?
I would suggest that you find a therapist who is attentive of your specific situation and if you don’t find one who is, keep looking.
Are you safe from this man? Is he stalking you?
From what it sounds like, it sounds like that ‘state of shock’ we all have come through. 20 years is a long time, Dear. You must go easy with yourself. You have to make peace with the fact that you KNOW you made the right decision for yourself in all of this. Believe in yourself; remember who you are and your value and your worth.
I have been stalked by a psychopath for the past ten years.
They likened my involvement with him to that of a hostage situation for five years. He never beat me or locked me up in chains or with bars but he psychologically controlled and abused me and although I am somewhat ‘taken back’ by admitting that, I am not really ashamed of it. I could never understand how Charles Manson’s followers could claim they had been brainwashed all those years…now, I completely understand it.
I was too quick to judge them by my lack of understanding at the time; the past ten years has given me that understanding.
I have met and danced with the devil himself and I will never believe anything otherwise, irregardless of all explanations.
Yes, I opened the door and let “IT” come into my life and have been tortured ever since. It’s been unbelievable. I have been threatened; almost murdered in a most hideous way; through the whole relationship, though, something kept me from letting him move in with me and take control of my life and I almost didn’t make it, as it is….I can’t imagine the horror of what it must be like LIVING WITH SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
I am talking ADHD, BI POLAR, MDD, PTSD, all of it, rolled into one tight, dangerous, hot tempered little ball of a ‘being’.
There isn’t much to MISS about that…it took a long time for me to ‘come back down’ from the ‘dream’ of the involvement and for the blinders to come off my eyes, yes, but my heart has lied to me through the whole healing process and one must remember to use your head more than your heart lest it devour you alive, as it almost did me: near fatal heart attack…it is important to remember to take care of yourself by eating right; sleeping right and having a good schedule. Force yourself to NOT dwell on the past but to live in the now.
So, try something for me; alright?
I want you to sit down with a piece of paper and I want you to make two columns on each side of the paper and on one side, write all of the things that were good about your ‘ex’ and on the other side, write all the things that were not so good about the ‘ex’ and then sit and reflect and compare the two sides. Be honest with yourself though. It’s the only way it works. After you have done that, write your ‘ex’ a letter and say all the things you wish you could have or would have said…you don’t have to send it but you do have to write it and then you have to read it to yourself…okay? Will you do that for me? And, then when you are finished, come back and share it with us, what you saw when you did that. Would you? I mean, if you want to. Sometimes it is difficult speaking what we feel and see…but you have found a great group of people here who all ‘get it’ so don’t ever feel ashamed. Just be careful of the personal information you relay. Anonymity can be a precious commodity.
You must remember why you made the decisions you did, to end it and move away from it all. I know I sure had MY reasons. LOTS of them.
Please, stay with us and feast your eyes and your heart and soul on the things you can read here. Each of us here has had a ‘journey’ through this experience that is very difficult to explain. We each, none the less, must find ways to cope with and accept and live with the things we have endured. There is a lot of strength here. Where others may not necessarily ‘understand’, you will find that understanding here. Don’t ever be afraid to come here and speak your mind. We are a very supportive group and have all ‘been there’…
((((stormy))))
You aren’t alone…
We are only victims until we realize we are being made a victim and then we become ‘survivors’…hm?
Dupey
stormy:
I don’t know. He doesn’t sound like a spath or you really didn’t give us a whole lot of info about him. Maybe you still really do want him…it’s hard to tell. Or sometimes we want what we give up. Maybe you don’t want him, but you are afraid that now that you set him free someone else will get him? Just throwing some things out there. Take care and let us know what happens.
Stormy,
If he’s a spath, he would have shown many of the red flags.
They almost always cut off sex when they move in with us, within a year or two.
They give horrible gifts, if any at all.
They lie constantly. They stay out late. They act infantile.
It is possible that he’s a narcissist instead. In that case, you might miss the drama. Narcissists aren’t as “evil” but they are self-centered.
How did he react when you left him? N’s and P’s don’t like to be out of control. They are not likely to let you move out even temporarily.
Another possibility is that he WANTED you to leave him. If he is an N or a P and has found a new and better supply, that MIGHT happen, but it’s not likely. They usually attack and leave us dead or dying.
From what you’ve told us, this man doesn’t seem pathological.
Skylar
You must of met my X, you described him to a T…
The Mustang GT would of been a red flag for me.. Not sure his age but if he’s going to retire he must be in his 60’s? Thats to old for a Mustang.. Maybe he was trying to reclaim his youth.
I kicked my X out, I wanted him to leave for 2 years, when he finally did he somehow dumped me on the way out the door. I had this HUGE feeling of Loss that I could not understand.. I think alot of it was trauma and drama bonded.
I am four years away from it and I still feel like that relationship was an episode on The Twilight Zone….Being involved with a spath tweak’s your soul a bit…
Maybe your feeling guilty for not loving him…. My X had a way of making me feel responsible for him…not…he left here in a hell of alot better state than when I found him in the ditch…
Ending any relationship, good or bad is going to throw us into a funk…