Lovefraud frequently hears from readers who have been discarded by sociopaths, but still feel like they’re in love with them, and can’t get them out of their minds. We frequently tell these readers that sociopathic relationships are very much like addictions.
Now, there’s proof. A recent study found that “the pain anguish of rejection by a romantic partner may be the result of activity in parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings,” according to Science Daily.
Read Romantic rejection stimulates areas of brain involved with motivation, reward and addiction on sciencedaily.com.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
I am new to posting on this blog, so I apologise if this falls in the wrong section. I read the heading, Why you still want your sociopathic partner and needed some input from others. I am a 45 year old man who is single and dated a woman who is 50 for three years. In that time frame she has lied to me,cheated on me with her ex boyfriend who she moved into the next apartment building 6 months after we were dating, but assured me they were just friends,they were not. She slept with him three times, at least that is all she would admit to. I have been excluded from family gatherings and her ex took my place. She cited different political and religious reasons as to why I was not invited. She gets weekly checks from her aging father who has money and lives in another state. She borrowed money from everyone she knew including me, but most of the time paid me all of it back.
She has two drug and alcohol addicted sons near thirty who she gives money to, knowing full well that they use it for drugs and most of the time all three of them are either homeless or living with friends. She works and still cannot make it without money from others. I have more debt and get less a month and can get by, she never could.
I suffer with severe anxiety disorders and she used them against me. She has stayed friends with my sister which has caused a riff many times between us. She manipulates,emasculates and lies very convincingly and I am the only one to see that she has sociopathic abilities, but I still struggle as she has been kind to me at times in the past, but also extremely rude, cold and callous. All of her friends seem to be men, at least that is what she had called them.
She claims to be a born again Christian and speaks in tongues. I really don’t know what I am sometimes, so I call myself an agnostic. I went to church with her many times and always felt out of place. I have helped her move twice, bought her groceries when she had nothing to eat. Let her use my car,stay at my place for weekends and weeks sometimes. She never took any interest in my likes and always called me negative because bad things always seem to come my way.
We broke up over three months ago. She has set me up on many phony dates and her and her sons harrass me by phone and email. Still the only one to believe me about her is my father, who knows what she is. Yesterday she posted a missed connection on a famous website about how she screwed up with me and how she only loves me and how we never got a chance to live together and get to know one another. She stole my trust,love,kindness and I am a bitter man. People tell me to not let her win and to move on. I have tried and now she is trying to come back to me and admitting it is all her fault. I feel sorry for her still after all she did to me???.
I am not perfect and flawed myself and could have handled things differently as she frustrated me and I yelled at her a lot. We have nothing in common and as she put it, we are not equally yoked!
Why can I not move on and why do I still care about her more then my own well being?
Thank you for listening! IamTorn
Iamtorn – it takes a long time to move through this whole thing. be patient with yourself.
caring more about their wellbeing than ours is something many of us have in common. it seems to be rooted in prior conditioning. I lived 3500 miles away from my family for a good part of my adult life to avoid the fact that I put them first. coming back to the area they live in put me into immediate contact with them – and self sacrifice.
there is a great book, ‘the betrayal bond’, that will help you to understand some of these dynamics.
please keep reading and posting.
Iamtorn, I am sorry that you’ve had these experiences.
Anxiety is something that I knew VERY little about, except with regard to personal issues with dentists, planes, and things like that. I finally experienced true, honest-to-goodness anxiety when my marriage ended.
Spaths use whatever they can against us. If we tend to be forgiving, kind, and generous, they tweak those qualities into frailties. If we have defined fears, they use those against us. What it boils down to is “control.” Control of source targets is what it’s all about.
Keep reading, keep posting, and keep remembering that you are a valued member of this huge Universe, and the spath has NO part in your value as a human being.
Brightest blessings
Stormy, I am sorry that the relationship has collapsed. I agree that there’s not really enough information to suggest that this guy fits the profile of a sociopath.
Whatever the dynamics, if you have your own home, income, etc., you’re 99% of the way there. You don’t feel dependent upon someone else, and that is priceless.
Keep reading and posting, and you’ll sort it out in good time.
Brightest blessings
Iamtorn, I am posting a couple of links that discuss trauma bonding. I hope they are helpful to you. For me, coming to terms with the trauma bond, was the first step in understanding ME and what seemed to be my inexplicable desire for the spath…the one who had beat me up, cheated, lied, humiliated, and put me down for so long….it was crazy….it just didn’t make sense….until I learned about trauma bonding. I hope it is as enlightening for you, as it was for me.
http://victimsofpsychopaths.wordpress.com/traumatic-bonding/
http://victimsofpsychopaths.wordpress.com/traumatic-bonding/
Iamtorn, Here is a self test on trauma bonding…..
http://www.insideoutlivinginc.org/Traumatic%20Bonding%20Self%20Test.pdf
http://www.markmeans.com/clientimages/36010/sexaddictionfiles/csattraumabondscourse.pdf This one is very compehensive and I think is taken directly from Dr. Carnes book, “The Betrayal Bond”.
Kim Frederick…..superb links.
Thanks, Truthspeak.
To all the responses to my plea for help ”“ thanks a bunch. After I read them I began to wonder if he was a spath or narcissist or just a plain old SOB. All I know is that he has turned my life upside down more than once.
When we met I was married and he told me he was divorced. We made plans to move in together but we both were on unemployment on the time and said we would wait until we both got jobs. Well he got a job first and began to tell these elaborate stories (lies) why we still had to wait longer (I had money so I could have paid my ½). A couple a weeks later I got a temp job and we moved into a motel room together so we could look for an apartment. We both went to work one day and when I came home all his belongings were gone. No note ”“ nothing. I was devastated since I worshiped him. I moved back home and waited to see if I would hear from him. When he didn’t I called him at work and asked for an explanation and we decided to meet. After lots of questions he finally admitted he was still married. By this time I was so in love with him I didn’t care. For at least 6 months he would leave his wife to be with me and then go back to her. I had already separated from my husband so I had a house where he could stay. I was like a yo-yo, one day he loves me one day he leaves me. When he had left me and I wouldn’t talk to him he would drive through the parking lot of my work and try and talk to me. When his wife had had enough she moved out of state. He stole a car and followed her. Three months later he called me and said he wanted me back and I said yes. I had no idea the car was stolen until the police showed up at my door looking for the driver of the car. I convinced him to turn himself in. (I’m sure he wouldn’t have if he had anywhere else to go, but his wife found out he had come back to CA to see me and would have nothing to do with him. After he was in jail I called his brother to check on some of his stories and found out the most of them were lies. But, I still stood by him and was waiting for him when he was released.
For a couple of years things were great. I paid all the bills since I was working and he found odd telemarketing jobs that lasted a few weeks and then he was unemployed again. This went on for years (We met in 1991 and just separated in 2011). I had told him that when I reached 65 I was going to sell the house and move closer to my daughter and grandson. So it was no surprise when I put the house up for sale. By this time he had a good job and had been with the company for years. Rather than sell his other vehicles and get a big down payment on the Mustang he just financed it and told me that he would have it paid off in a year and then come to AZ with me. I didn’t believe a word of it. As soon as I left he started to party. While the house was on the market I decided that I didn’t want him to move with me anyway, a called and told him the truth that me feelings had changed. At this point I’m fine. He would call frequently and we would talk about general things. One night I called him late because I was upset about something. We had an argument on the phone and I told him I didn’t want to talk to him anymore, that we were over. He called once after that and I told him I didn’t’ want to talk. So for several weeks he didn’t call. Then I went crazy. I thought I was loosing my mind. All I could think about was him. I cried all the time. Finally went to the doctor to check my thyroid and sure enough it was out of whack. I figured this was the reason I was so upset. Started taking the pills but it didn’t help. He would call and we would talk and I was hooked again. I know I don’t love him anymore.
One of the posters suggested I write down the good and bad things on a piece of paper and weigh them. I had done this years ago and just did it again recently. I don’t want him!!!! I just can’t get him out of my head. He is a self-centered piece of s—t who only thought about himself. My head knows all of this. Is it my heart that has me thinking I am insane?
I am safe since we are in different states so I don’t expect to see him. I just want to forget him. Make believe I never met him. I am so confused I can’t think straight.
Read the link on trauma bonding and this sounds like me. I’m just looking for ideas I haven’t thought of to try and weather this storm. Thanks in advance!