Lovefraud frequently hears from readers who have been discarded by sociopaths, but still feel like they’re in love with them, and can’t get them out of their minds. We frequently tell these readers that sociopathic relationships are very much like addictions.
Now, there’s proof. A recent study found that “the pain anguish of rejection by a romantic partner may be the result of activity in parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings,” according to Science Daily.
Read Romantic rejection stimulates areas of brain involved with motivation, reward and addiction on sciencedaily.com.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Deasr Browneyedgirl,
Sweetie, it is the TRAUMA BOND like stockholm syndrome, there’s a book on here The Betrayal Bond, read it, it might answer some of your questions about how we get hooked (addict) to them.
NO CONTACT helps keep the craving away thought. I just quit smoking 8-9 months ago. Being around cigarettes being smoked made me crave one. Now it doesn’t make me crave one. My friends can smoke around me and I don’t get the desire to have one. If I DID I’d gt some nicotine gum, but so far, no problem. No craving NOW.
The “love bomb” they put on us AT FIRST hooks us in and makes us think we have found NIRVANA of love, but once the hook is in ande set, they start pulling on the control lines, and we keep hoping that we can do enough for them that they will go back to the LOVE3 BOMB but they never do, or if they do it is just enough to keep us hooked. It will pass though. Stay NC because if you don’t you have a chance of being rehooked. Good luck and God bless.
brwneyed, it’s also often the effect of ‘intermittent reinforcement’. If you are traumatised and abused regularly you hang on for the few scraps of goodness you get occasionally and they become a really big deal. It’s a trauma bond more than love. Bonding in times of fear feels like strong love.
I think it was Lorenz who did experiments on imprinting, where the duck comes out of the egg and sees the scientist before anyone else, who is then seen as the duck’s mother and is followed around. He found that the duck whose foot he accidentally trod upon became much more attached to him. It was the fear and anxiety that made the duck cling more closely. It’s a kind of ptsd, hypervigilance, that we get when we are treated badly. It’s an anxious attachment that is always looking for positive reinforcement. I’m full of psychobabble and not being very clear. I’ve read so much but find it hard to put it into words.
Didn’t see Oxy’s post while I was typing. 🙂 The Betrayal Bond is the best book I have read about what has happened to me. I have read it so many times and re-read it whenever I feel bad (every day!)
Bingo.. it’s that damn void. Anything is better than nothing. Best thing in the world is to stay busy and fill all that empty time with people and activities that you enjoy.
When my ex bf left, I felt like hiding, but this time around I didn’t fall into that trap. I started to spend a lot of time hanging out with my kids, just watching movies, joking around, whatever, and I got over it much quicker than I used to.
I haven’t got to the point where I totally avoid s/p guys by instinct, unfortunately, but I sure have gotten better at getting out of bad relationships quicker and getting over them. I just hope someday I get to the point where I can spot them a mile away.
Hi guys,
I found this posting below and was floored by it. I think it could shed light for a lot of people who have beem exposed to these s-freaks. It truly struck a chord with me.
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When you love someone, the love never really goes away it just changes. Over time this love for this person can become less overwhelming and then less important and eventually a much less significant memory. There’s a joke that goes something like “to get over a man get under another” – well if you fall in love with someone else you will automatically no longer be in love with the ex, unfortunately you don’t have control over the next time you will fall in love again, so you must make do with the time healing solution for now which is no fun but it works somewhat well to the extent that it will reduce and probably even eliminate the pain associated with this feeling of loss. With time you will get used to the feeling of missing the ex. Keep in mind that you might miss him/her more than usual because sociopaths are so good at manipulation that you would end up more affected than in a relationship with someone else. A sociopath can elicit much stronger feelings in you than would happen with a normal person. You might end up being much more infatuated with the sociopath than you would have anyone else who was otherwise equally attractive to you (in looks and in the persona they presented to you). Such that you feel you love this person more than you have loved anyone else even when your logical mind says this should not be the case , that others you have been in relationships with before have treated you much better and deserved your love more.
The sociopath is good at manipulating, so you are feeling these feelings as a result of the sociopath’s skills. However and remember this: feelings are not reality, they are just feelings, sometimes they correlate with reality sometimes they don’t, and a good manipulator can create feelings in you that are unrelated to reality. What’s more important about feelings is that they come and go, and although you can’t choose which ones come, you can choose to a small extent which ones you hold on to more strongly. This feeling you have now will pass – eventually, it’s tough and you can’t believe it now, because you’ve probably gotten over others much more easily than this one, but this one is different, not in a good way, and that’s why you got out of the relationship. The manipulator was so good that he/she has now left you feeling that you can’t get over it, but that is just one of the manipulator’s tricks. When you think about him/her, change the subject in your mind – think about something else quickly, keep doing this and one day it will be over. I really hope this works because I am going to try it for myself. I too I am trying to get over a sociopath and even though I spotted this personality issue very quickly, it wasn’t quickly enough for me to come out unscathed. Good luck, you made it out of the relationship.
That girl70, I want to disagree with getting into another relationship right off the bat to get over a bad one. Unfortunately most/many times the Psychopath leaves us so injured that we are vulnerable to the NEXT PSYCHOPATH that comes down the road and finds us. Offers to “Save” us from the pain and suffering we are feeling, love bombs us and damned if we aren’t in the next miserable relationship.
I fell for the P BF because I was LONELY and down from the death of my husband, I was PERFECT PREY for a psychopath and one pounced ASAP. Stopped my grieving as I focused on this “wonderful fantasy” relationship for about 4 months, then 4 months of hell and verbal abuse before I finally kicked his sorry butt to the curb, then 4 months of CRYING AND FEELING AWFUL because of the P relationship, then BACK to finish off the grieving for my husband’s death because I had not completed the grief over that when I got sidetracked by the P.
I strongly advice others to be careful before you jump into another relationship when you have left a P one.
http://www.womenexplode.com
find out how a man in the dating world looks at sex.
Hi OxDrover,
I didn’t take that away from the posting at all. I think the “There’s a joke that goes something like “to get over a man get under another” ”“ well if you fall in love with someone else you will automatically no longer be in love with the ex” was more a light hearted (joking) approach to the solution. I think it was meant as a “move on” skill, not to be taken literally. But the resounding ways they manipulate, keep you coming back was what I was trying to point out.
Trust me, I don’t believe in relationship hopping. That’s so dangerous!
Dear thatgirl,
Unfortunately, I agree it is DANGEROUS but too many people4 do just that when they are injured/discarded by the psychopath or some large loss like the death of a husband. I sure did and hooked up with a P 8 months after my husband’s death— so while it might actually have been a joke (or tongue in cheek) it is one thing I CAUTION people here on LF about.
I can’t count the people who have come here TORN UP and a couple or 3 months later they have met the love of their life AGAIN! DUH????? Some few of them come back and say “OOPS” but most of them never come back so there’s no way to know what happened but I do know personally one woman on here who married another abuser and she is so beaten down now she won’t come back here and she just stays with him. She’s I think ASHAMED she married another abuser and basically feel like “well, it could be worse”—I’m not sure how, but we tend to think what will help us cope with truth we don’t want to accept.
It’s like people cyber-dating which I THINK is dangerous, I speak against that, but you know, we are all adults here and make our own choices and take our own consequences.
I also heard that line, first time from an old boyfriend, the best way to get over one girl is to kiss another. Probably not bad advice in a normal relationship, but as Oxy says, not when recovering from a P/S. I have never felt so traumatized in my life. I am 8 months out and when I do get that urge to start getting out and dating again, I am overcome with a sense of foreboding. Don’t know when I will be ready, but I am not rushing anything.