UPDATED FOR 2023. Most sociopaths are really good at proclaiming their love. They often say the words “I love you” so quickly that it surprises us — how can they already feel that way? We just met!
When we question them, they respond, “You’re the one I’ve been waiting for all my life,” or, “I just know that we’re perfect for each other,” or something equally endearing.
We want to believe them, so we do. They keep pouring it on, until we fall in love with them. The big problem, however, is that our love is real and theirs is fake.
Sociopaths are incapable of love. Even though they sound sincere and convincing, they literally do not have the internal wiring that makes it possible for them to feel authentic love.
So when sociopaths say the words, “I love you,” what do they mean? Here are some possibilities:
- I want to have sex with you.
- I want to control you.
- I want to own you.
- I want to sponge off of you.
- I want you to make me look good.
- I want to take advantage of you.
- I want to mess with your mind.
- I want to manipulate you.
- I want to deceive you.
- I want you to serve my needs.
Are the words “I love you,” when spoken by a sociopath, a lie? Maybe. Maybe not.
Remember, sociopaths do not experience real love. They do not know what it is like to truly care about another person’s wellbeing, to give so that another person can flourish. In reality, they have no frame of reference for the word, “love.”
Many sociopaths believe that love is sex and sex is love. They like sex. In fact, what sociopaths want in life is power, control and sex.
So if they believe sex and love are synonymous, and say they love you because they want to have sex with you — well, maybe it’s the truth.
On the other hand, sociopaths know they are manipulating us. They know we have emotions and they don’t, which to them means we have vulnerabilities that they can exploit. Even though they don’t feel the words, they have learned that if they say, “I love you,” they get what they want.
This is one of the hardest things for the rest of us to come to terms with — that “I love you,” when spoken by a sociopath, did not mean what we thought it meant. In fact, the words could have meant nothing at all.
Learn more: Love and Recovery Series
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Aug. 22, 2016.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: What Would You Do?
This is all so true…and so sad and tragic. For us, that is.
For the SP, it is all they know.
Steer clear, if possible. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. The person you met at first was never real, but rather, a mirror of what you want. The mask will always eventually slip, and then things will get sad and tragic.
Many people will read this and think it only applies to dating or spouses. I urge you to re-read the points 2 thru 10:
I want to control you.
I want to own you.
I want to sponge off of you.
I want you to make me look good.
I want to take advantage of you.
I want to mess with your mind.
I want to manipulate you.
I want to deceive you.
I want you to serve my needs.
This can apply to your biological family, friends, business partners & bosses and even “charitable” people with whom you volunteer! They don’t even have to be saying, “I love you”, they can just be getting by with giving you any crumbs to string you along for their purposes. OPEN YOUR EYES. I am not saying everyone operates this way, but if you open your ears and eyes, you will see the bad actors faster and save yourself time, energy and heartache. STUDY people before you give them credit — that’s my point.
I learned (the hard way like everything else)..that his language (using the exact same words) meant far, far different things, than the same words I used with him. If these words come on too soon, too sweet; don’t believe any of them! Try saying NO, and see what happens.
This is a good guide for romantic partners.
It made me see the intense approval and support was not love but “you make me look good and I’mg going to use that and give you nothing”.
I also would like some people’s advice on communications from my mother who wrote this a few years ago when I broke down with PTSD and wrote out every detail of abuse within the family.
This is what she said:
I’m sad and sorry I made you feel worse but I understand that entirely. You have been so resilient and so strong going out on your own to tackle this, please continue to be strong. I am in awe of you too. Take courage and satisfaction in your own strengths and abilities and use whatever else is at hand to help you on the way. Have you still got Louise Hay’s book? I hope your work is giving some sort of satisfaction and a social life and is something to take your mind elsewhere for a few moments a day.
I can see you have to do this on your own. I respect that. I love and adore and admire you. You have been so honest and forthright and immensely intelligent and fluent when writing about your feelings and understandings of PTSD. Thank you for telling me.
Please find someone to go through this with you more regularly.
Why not go on a health plan, where you get a free psychologist for those times you’re not at the private one? You just ask your doctor about the health plan, and then ask for a referral to someone good, and then you get so many visits per year. At least it would
be a fall back at times you may need it. It is reviewed by your doctor every year and then can continue. Some govt thingy. Your PTSD would absolutely allow you to be on one. You may
as well use the system as well as pay the private fee psychologist if you want.
I say this because you need someone, anyone, going along with this, with you, at the very least on a weekly basis…more if possible. I’m sure your doctor may have other ideas as well to help e.g. a course in between work? There are free ones (i did anxiety through a govt clinic a few years ago, psychologist Kristie someone. but I am sure
there are different places to attend, once a week mornings for eight weeks or so). Your doctor would know.”
At the time I was not angry enough at her. I didn’t see the patronising tone or lack of responsibility. Since that time I’ve continued blaming myself.
And this is something I once wrote to her from hospital when I had heart palpitations. My housemates were sociopaths too, and an ex.
“It was like you pinned the responsibility on me of keeping the family image. I had to hold everything and everyone up. Deny my own feelings, suffer, smile and keep going.
ALl the while trying to make a life, a career, battling horrible bosses, all those pressures, on my own. And what were you doing? Cruising along with your issues and not parenting?
Did you ever not think of what this owuld do to me?? how the pressure would kill me??!?!?!”
And all she wrote back to me was:
“Yes, I did think that and wondered how you managed to keep going.”
For some reason, I cannot let go. I don’t know how I will cope in this world. I don’t have one friend or anyone in my life to date who hasn’t been a psychopath.
And this is something I once wrote to her from hospital when I had heart palpitations. My housemates were sociopaths too, and an ex.
“It was like you pinned the responsibility on me of keeping the family image. I had to hold everything and everyone up. Deny my own feelings, suffer, smile and keep going.
ALl the while trying to make a life, a career, battling horrible bosses, all those pressures, on my own. And what were you doing? Cruising along with your issues and not parenting?
Did you ever not think of what this owuld do to me?? how the pressure would kill me??!?!?!”
And all she wrote back to me was:
“Yes, I did think that and wondered how you managed to keep going.”
For some reason, I cannot let go. She controlled everything so much that I don’t even know how to see the world.
It is incredibly difficult to overcome being mistreated and neglected by a parent. It is a loss that really can’t be made up for. It sounds like you are not yet done working through it, and there probably is a good reason you’re not ready to let go yet. I hope you’ll find peace in time; it will probably take a lot of work on your part, it will be worth it. It doesn’t sound like anything will come from your mother to bring you peace. It will probably be something you work out on your own.
If you eliminate the spaths in your life, there will be a period of alone-ness but that is the way to make room for healthy people in your life. Healthy relationships develop over time with shared experiences. Consider a new activity or class or meetup group or volunteering, that you’re interested in and perhaps it will lead to meeting good people. I’ve also found that working on improving my own mental health and stability tends to lead to me attracting healthier people as I get healthier.
Exactly the way it went with me and then after all the programming letting go is soooo hard it is know that it all fits fate to well to not be true that forced me to change the light I see him in this is exactly what I heard word for word!
When we question them, they respond, “You’re the one I’ve been waiting for all my life,” or, “I just know that we’re perfect for each other,” or something equally endearing.
Only he added “and I am older so I had to wait longer!!”
WHAT A CROCK!!