One of the defining characteristics of a sociopath is that they never take responsibility for anything. Nothing is ever their fault. Any problem they face is always caused by someone else, or circumstances beyond their control.
I’ll bet that a young sociopath invented the excuse, “The dog ate my homework.”
Early in my relationship with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, he explained that his innovative business venture wasn’t built because “the government took his land.” Of course, he never mentioned the fact that he never owned the land, and never raised the money to buy the land. He just blamed the government for his business failure.
Since I launched Lovefraud, I’ve heard countless stories of sociopathic excuses for their problems and antisocial behavior, like these:
- I’m screwed up because I was abused as a child.
- It’s not my fault that I lost my job — the customer ticked me off.
- I’m not to blame for raping a 14-year-old — she threw herself at me.
- I quit because my boss is a moron.
- I got arrested because the cops had it in for me.
- My ex is mentally unstable — but I put up with her for years.
- My ex won’t let me see my kids because she’s a psycho b*tch.
- The government froze my bank accounts so I can’t access my money.
- I failed because the teacher hates me.
- The guy was so hot-looking that I had to sleep with him.
- The driver gave me a dirty look, so I had to speed past him.
- The dog wouldn’t stop barking so I had to kill it.
In making excuses like these, sociopaths have one or more of these related objectives:
- Playing the victim
- Blame shifting
- Gaining sympathy
They are trying to convince the target — that would be you — that they deserve to be believed, trusted or helped, because they are not responsible for whatever problems they face.
If someone who you believe may be a sociopath is making excuses, here’s what you need to keep in mind:
- Sociopaths lie a lot, so any excuse may be a total fabrication.
- Even if sociopaths aren’t lying, they always have an ulterior motive.
- The excuses are attempts at impression management, to convince you to give them what they want.
So what outrageous excuses have you heard from sociopaths? Add your examples to the list.
After dating a sociopath, the advice you need for your recovery
My ex would always tell me that I heard him wrong, or I misunderstood him. Another one was, “I never said that.”
I really doubted myself.
I only recently learned what gaslighting is, but learning about it has really opened my eyes. 19 years of self-doubt and questioning my own sanity. I feel your pain.
Laine i was gaslit also. Female gf went nuts when i told her my adult daughter was prgenant. She said all my kids were f ed up. I never got closure from that. I brought it up a week ago and she denied saying it as well as any recollection of the argument.
I think gaslighting is one of the more common forms of sociopathic manipulation. I own a DVD copy of the 1944 Ingrid Bergman/Charles Boyer film Gaslight from which the term derives. I recommend to anyone interested.
yes! all the “you misunderstood”s. just circular arguing so he can make you doubt your own mind and intuition.
That’s not what I said.
You misinterpreted me.
That was not my intent.
I had a bad day. (So it’s ok to verbally abuse you.)
I made a mistake.(so it’s ok to verbally abuse you.)
You say worse things to me. (I don’t but it’s ok to deflect)
Look at that Bird! (Really happened to change subject to avoid accountability)
Oh so I never do anything right! ( because I point out his insults are unacceptable.)
Oh so You’re perfect!
You’re just being difficult.
I deserve more latitude. ( said during counselling to avoid responsibility cause he has it so hard)
My 30 yr old girlfriend kicked or “ tapped” me in the face as she called it because i was annoying her with immature noises. I got blamed for being assaulted. I saw stars from the hit and left a mark on my face. Oh btw, shes a cop too:(
Let’s see, where to start… yes, this is all the same person:
“I did tell you my real name. You just forgot.” (Three months after our relationship began, when he had been living with me for over a month.)
“I quit because I know I was going to get fired.” (He was about to get a stellar review.)
“Quitting drinking made me lose my mind.” (When he left me for another woman after 14 years together and then spent 2 years begging, coercing, and harassing me to get back together.)
“I’m racist because my mom sent me to a boarding school where I got beaten up by inner city kids all the time.”
“The puppy keeps biting my toes, so I have to pinch its mouth and make it cry to teach it a lesson.”
“Our daughter hates me and wants no contact with me because you’ve poisoned her against me.” (Surely it had nothing to do with his lifelong disparate treatment between our 13-year-old daughter and our 10-year-old son, nor the physical abuse he dealt our daughter while I wasn’t around.)
“Our marriage is suffering because you like gay people too much.” (I kid you not.)
Also: “Our daughter thinks she’s bi because you taught her being gay is OK.” (What the actual f***?)
There’s more… so much more… but it’s too depressing to keep thinking about it. Luckily, I now have a restraining order against him, so at least he’s out of the house. That, of course, hasn’t stopped him from trying to manipulate my 10-year-old son in order to get to me. Ugh.
I had to quit my job because I don’t believe in their policies and political views.
(he was fired from an entry level position at an electronics store)
The sociopath (a female sibling) who was in my life for 48 years said to me “You are the cause of everything negative that has happen in my life.”
She never took responsibility for anything negative, but she always took full credit for everything positive in her life or anyone else life. According to her:
Everything NEGATIVE in her life was caused by me.
Everything in her life that was POSITIVE was caused by her.
Everything NEGATIVE in my life was caused by me.
Everything POSITIVE in my life was caused by her.
Thank goodness this disordered human being is no longer in my life, and I finely found peace and freedom!!!!!
Amen at peace
When I finally had proof of his two year affair, with his married co-worker with kids, my ex told me that she was “trolling” for an affair. I had never heard the term “trolling”….of course it was her fault. If it wasn’t her fault, he would spin it around to blamed me. When I finally escaped I found out he was screwing around with 3 women in two different states, maybe 5 women, not sure about the last two. He traveled weekly for business.
In reality he was the one that was always “trolling” including internet hook up sites he used when on business trips. After I escaped, I found a counselor who finally told me the truth, that he was a sociopath. I told her that I believe he cheated on me 8-12 times during the marriage. She told me it was more like 3 to 4 times that amount because that is what sociopath do = serial cheaters!
Before me, he blamed his father for “not paying him money due for work” and that is why he & his father “did not speak”. Of course that was not the truth. The truth was his father cut him out of his life for scamming money from him. No one ever told me this until I escaped. Everything he told me in the beginning & throughout was a flat out lie, or head spin manipulation.
Thank you Donna & Terry for giving us this wonderful site full of endless information on what we endured & a place to vent & connect with others who endured the same abuse. I cant even imagine mentally where I would be if it was not for the counselor & this wonderful site.
I was annoying her, so 30 yr old gf kicked me in the face while wearing shoes. No aplogies, i was just annoying and then called a pu**y. Her favorite go to when she hurts me.
Oh the usual. You get along until you point out her rude manners such as phone addiction. And then get attacked with you’re too sensitive, get over yourself, grow a backbone, don’t like it leave. And then they shut down with “im not talking abt this anymore, stonewall, and blame shift.
[…] Por Júlia Bárány, baseado no artigo de Donna Andersen em: https://lovefraud.com/12-ways-sociopaths-say-its-not-my-fault-what-have-you-heard/ […]
Greetings to Brazil.