By Ox Drover Going through my family photos I came across one of my two oldest sons. We had gone on vacation to Montana to visit a friend for the summer in 1981. They were about 10 and 11 years old. My friend took us around to all the local sights and showed us some old gold mines dug back into the solid rock. In the photo made that summer, I saw my sons, both kneeling on a huge rock about five feet from the edge of a stream of rapidly flowing water, with a gold pan in their hands. My friend had put a handful of sand from the edge of the creek into the wok-shaped pan and showed them how to swirl the sand in the bottom and let the rushing water wash away the lighter sand, and told them that …
What All Sociopaths Have In Common
As we think about sociopaths, let's remember that they can make diverse presentations, which can make it hard to know if (and when) you're dealing with one. Although sociopathy is a personality disorder, it's complicated by the fact that sociopaths have widely diverse personalities. There are smart sociopaths and dumb sociopaths; gregarious sociopaths and more withdrawn sociopaths; engaging sociopaths and paranoid sociopaths; calculating sociopaths and more impulsive sociopaths; socially skilled, and socially unskilled sociopaths. There are charismatic sociopaths and sociopaths with dull personalities. There are sociopaths who may leave you feeling remarkably comfortable, and sociopaths …
After the sociopath is gone: Good-bye lie. Welcome truth.
I wrote the following nine months after the p formerly in my life was arrested. I was asked on another thread, was there a moment you 'knew'? Knew that you would be okay. Knew it was okay to let him go. Yes and no. In those first heady days of freedom, every moment was filled with knowing I was okay. And every moment was filled with the fear I would never get through the pain to find the light of love within me. I had to make a choice. Had to decide -- what do I want more of. Lies and deciet. Truth and harmony. I wanted to share this piece with you because it speaks to the power of one word to release us from fearing life without them so that we can surrender and fall in love with life …
After the sociopath is gone: Good-bye lie. Welcome truth.Read More
Normal behavior and the sociopath
Last week I did something that I really didn't want to do. Thursday evening, I went out in the cold and rain to sit through a “customer appreciation” dinner at the dealership where we leased our car. My husband, Terry, wanted to go, but he couldn't, because he just had knee surgery and was supposed to stay off his feet. So he put on his best smile and cajoled me into going. The event included a drawing for a big, flat-screen TV, and to win, all we had to do was show up. There wouldn't be many people there, so our chances were good. I knew I wouldn't win the TV. I'm not the lucky one—he is. Plus, we don't need a TV. The one we have is fine. But Terry, like most men, is a gadget guy. He reall …
How can I control my thoughts?
We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery. I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life. This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my …
What’s the most important thing the sociopath took from you?
By Ox Drover What's the most important thing the sociopath took from you? Money? Love? Your home? Your self-esteem? Sex? Or, is it something else, which in my opinion may be even more important than just about anything? The most important thing I think I lost from every sociopath I ever dealt with was my own confidence in myself to make assessments about people and then, reasonable choices about those people, based on those accurate assessments. Many former victims have said that they just have trouble “trusting others” again after being totally hoodwinked and ripped off for so many important things in their lives by the sociopath. Is it others that they don't trust, though, or are the …
What’s the most important thing the sociopath took from you?Read More
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I loved the person he was pretending to be.
Editor's note: This story was received from a reader who goes by the name of “Elegy.” I married a sociopath. Like most of them, he came off charming and wonderful at first. We met at church. Looking back, I realize there were many red flags ”¦ but what I told myself was that you can't dismiss someone just because they're not perfect. Everyone has flaws, and he was only twenty-five. Hey, young guys (and girls) can sometimes do stupid things. Let them know what's bothering you about it and hope things change. And things did change. He would apologize. He gave me the "I had no idea" line, or the "I'm so sorry, it will never happen again" line, and it actually seemed as if it wouldn …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I loved the person he was pretending to be.Read More
After the sociopath is gone: Leap before you look.
I work in a homeless shelter. It is a place where people are worn down by their stories, day in, day out. They carry the load like a weight upon their shoulders, sitting at tables with hunched shoulders, rounded backs. They walk with shuffling footsteps, backs curled into their chests, their hopes gripped in hands buried deep down into their pockets, forever fearful of coming up empty handed. And every day they wait. And wait. For someone to rescue them. For someone to deliver an answer. An escape. A way out. Another direction. When you're down and out, living below poverty, on the wrong side of easy street, sometimes all you've got to make yourself visible is the story you carry to mark …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: She wanted complete power and control over my dad and all his affairs
Editor's note: Even in old age, sociopaths do not give up their predatory game. I've heard several stories of sociopathic senior citizens, still looking for targets. Following is one of them, submitted by a reader who we'll call “Edith.” After 40-plus years of marriage my mother died, leaving my Dad, in his 60's, bereft and vulnerable ”¦ Within a few weeks this loving man, known for his kindness, empathy and ethical character, told me about a woman in his widow/widower support group who was being very persistent in suggesting they go out for coffee or a walk and that he "wasn't ready for that." BUT HE FELT SO SORRY FOR HER because she couldn't stop crying (pity play that seemed normal und …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: She wanted complete power and control over my dad and all his affairsRead More
Running your life like a business
By Ox Drover Most victims and former victims of sociopaths are extremely capable and smart people, so why exactly did these really smart people go “bankrupt” in their personal lives by letting a sociopath take over? That's a question that has plagued me since I started on the road to healing. I've always been a pretty astute businessperson and an excellent manager of both personnel and resources in my professional life. Why did I do so well in my professional life and go so wrong in my personal life? I finally came to the conclusion that I ran my business like a business and I let my personal life be run in a very ”un-businesslike” manner. I'll use my farm as an example. I had a herd of c …