7 reasons not to seek closure from a sociopath

Relationships with sociopaths are intense. In fact, they are intentionally intense — the sociopath demands your attention, showers you with affection, and proclaims everlasting love quickly.

What’s the rush? They want to hook you before you escape. All their moves are intentional.

You, of course, don’t know this. You believe that the sociopaths are in hot pursuit because they are smitten and can’t live without you. The two of you are, as they swear, soul mates.

Then, either suddenly or slowly, the relationship is over.

Huh? What happened? How could this person who painted a glistening picture of your future together just turn and walk away without looking back?

You want to understand what when wrong. You want closure.

If the key symptoms of a sociopath accurately describe your partner, don’t bother going after closure. Here’s why:

1. The intensity you saw wasn’t love — it was pursuit of a prize

When sociopaths want something, they hyperfocus — they focus intently on what interests them. When your relationship started, that was you. You were the prize. Once the sociopath won you — well, there was nothing to pursue anymore.

2. Sociopaths will never feel your pain

You were in love. Now that the relationship is over, you are heartbroken. Despite what the sociopaths said, they were never in love. Why? Because they are incapable of love. They literally do not feel the pull of love the way you do. So they will never be heartbroken, and cannot share your pain.

3. Sociopaths don’t care how you feel

Sociopaths do not feel empathy. They will certainly take advantage of your empathy, but they do not experience it. In fact, they view empathy as a weakness, as a stupid emotion that makes you vulnerable. And from their point of view, the only thing to do with vulnerability is to take advantage of it.

4. Sociopaths do not feel remorse

Sociopaths do not experience regret. They never feel sorry for anything they’ve done. Oh, they may be sorry when they’re busted, but they don’t regret their actions, only that they got caught.

5. Sociopaths will never apologize

You may want the sociopaths to apologize for all the pain they caused you. But a true apology requires the offenders to recognize the pain they caused — impossible for a sociopath (see above). Now, sociopaths may indeed say the words, “I’m sorry,” but this is just a tactic to continue manipulating you. Don’t fall for it.

6. Sociopaths feed on your emotional responses

Sociopaths love being a puppet master, pulling strings and watching other people dance. They especially like getting people to cry, plead or explode — the more visceral your response, the more satisfaction they derive from it. Don’t feed the beast.

7. Seeking closure gives sociopaths an opportunity to hoover you

You may know that the relationship is bad for you, but still have difficulty staying away. Many people have met with or talked to a sociopath to end it — only to find themself “hoovered,” or sucked back in, like a vacuum cleaner.

No Contact is the way forward. Seeking closure keeps you engaged with the sociopath and it’s useless. They will never understand how they’ve hurt you. They’ll never apologize.

So don’t wait for the sociopath to end it — you end it. You decide that you will no longer subject yourself to the insensitivity, disrespect, cheating, abuse — whatever the sociopath is doing. Make the decision that it’s over, and stick with it.

The best way to achieve closure is to give it to yourself.

Learn more: Self-care for survivors

Lovefraud originally posted this article on August 8, 2016.