Power imbalances in relationships with sociopaths

In sociology, there’s a concept called the “Principle of the Least Interest.” It’s an idea that starts to explain the power imbalances in relationships with sociopaths.

The theory was developed in 1938 by a sociologist named Willard Waller. He said that when one relationship partner is more emotionally invested in the relationship than the other, the less involved partner has more power in the relationship. That less-interested person can make demands on the more-interested person, with the threat — either implicit or overt — that if the demands are not met, the relationship will end.

That’s the basic idea. But it seems to me that when you’re dealing with a sociopath, it can get more complicated.

How it works in “normal” relationships

It’s certainly possible in a “normal” relationship, meaning neither partner is disordered, for one person to be more interested and emotionally involved than the other. Shawn M. Burn, Ph.D., wrote a helpful article in Psychology Today called When one relationship partner is more interested. She described a situation in which the less-interested partner (LI) wanted a polyamorous relationship, and the more-interested partner (MI) went along with it, because it was either that or nothing.

Burn noted that an MI/LI relationship can last for a while. She wrote:

The LI often doesn’t want to give up the many benefits delivered by the MI. The LI rationalizes by emphasizing that they’ve been honest with the MI, and the MI has chosen to accept the relationship terms. Sometimes the LI is truly ambivalent and doesn’t want to cut the MI loose in case they change their mind.

Because the LI stays, and there are occasional hints of romance, the MI remains hopeful. They give, sacrifice, and compromise themselves. But this is also the MI’s power: Their willingness to take what they can get, when they can get it, and their generosity towards the LI, make it harder for the LI to cut them loose.

Burn said that the more-interested partner eventually feels taken advantage of and hurt, while the less-interested partner may feel angry and resentful about being manipulated into staying. She advised that the right thing to do is to end the involvement so both parties are free to find more suitable relationships.

This is true. But if one party is a sociopath, he or she has no real interest in doing what is right.

Sociopaths use their partners

A sociopath’s goal in entering a relationship is not love — it’s to use the partner to gain something that he or she wants.

Of course, it doesn’t look like that in the beginning. When the sociopath is in hot pursuit of a new relationship, he or she definitely appears to be the more-interested party — calling and texting all the time, planning extravagant dates, showering the targeted partner with attention and affection. Unfortunately, sociopaths are very convincing. The target thinks it’s love. In truth, it’s love bombing.

The sociopath’s goal is to seduce and then use the target. He or she can keep the charade going as long as necessary to achieve the objective. Then, once the target is committed, the sociopath continues the relationships as long as he or she feels like it is delivering some benefit.

Read more: What sociopaths want — power, control and sex

But the intensity diminishes. In fact, the target may now be subjected to criticism, abuse, lying and cheating. The sociopath shifts from the more-interested partner to the less-interested partner.

Targeted partner becomes trauma bonded

So here’s where things get complicated when considering the Principle of the Least Interest in regards to sociopaths.

Yes, there is a power imbalance, because the sociopaths are interested only as long as they are getting what they want. But the combination of this power imbalance with the intermittent good and bad treatment that they typically inflict on their partner can create a trauma bond.

Therefore, even when the more-interested parties realize that they aren’t getting what they want from the relationships, they find it difficult to leave. In fact, they may be even more invested in trying to prove that the sociopath should stay in the relationship. The trauma bond gets in the way of detaching.

I explain this in more detail in my new webinar, Maybe you’re not codependent — you’re traumatized. If you feel like you’re dealing with a power imbalance in your relationship, the webinar may help you to see what’s going on and how it affects you, so you can escape.

Learn more: Maybe you’re not codependent — you’re traumatized