Abuse is abuse – it is not okay

By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)

When I read the news sometimes I just want to cry. It seems the news is filled with hate, prejudice, evil and just plain mean stuff!

The following article about a young man who was “hazed” to death in a college band and beaten so badly that his muscles were destroyed, made me just have to stop and “take a breath” before I could continue to read such a sad story.

Expert: Autopsy of Florida A&M drum major shows badly beaten muscles

An entire group of college age young adults who would inflict such punishment on a fellow band member, a person they probably called a “friend,” is beyond belief to me. This was not some group of inner city dropped out kids on drugs who were gang members; these young people were the “flower” of our society, receiving an education at college level.

I sincerely doubt that any of these young people who pummeled their friend hard enough to destroy his muscles intended for him to die, or be so severely injured that he would be crippled, yet that is exactly what they did. They killed him. The entire group on the bus participated in manslaughter.

In light of the Penn State scandal of child abuse that was “openly rumored” around campus, this school also had “open rumors” about hazing in the band that was no “big secret.” Apparently it was not seriously addressed by the band director or the administration of the school. I can only imagine what the family of this young man feels after his death, knowing that he wanted to be accepted badly enough that he was willing to participate in such a “ritual.”

I sincerely doubt that many, if any, of the young people who participated in such a ritual were what we would likely label as “psychopathic.” But for whatever reason that can be ascribed to the behavior that led to this young man’s mutilation and torture (I can’t find other words that fit), they behaved in a way that is totally unacceptable in a civilized society.

In order to stop this kind of behavior it is going to take not only the administrations of schools, coaches, and directors of programs, but it is going to take students who will stand up and say, “I will not be a part of this kind of behavior. I will not participate.”

I think about the times that I have participated in things that were painful to me, just like this young man did, because I wanted to be accepted by the people who were pummeling me with their words or their fists. I was afraid to stand up and say, “I don’t deserve to be treated like this,” or say, “People who treat me like this are NOT my friends, because friends do not hurt each other.” I felt shamed when those I loved treated me poorly, lied to me, physically or emotionally hurt me, but I’ve decided to stand up now, to face those who try to tell me that I must be abused in order to be accepted. To face those who would abuse me, and say a resounding “NO!!!! I will not be abused.”

Let us all stand up for those who are not yet strong enough to stand up and shout “NO!” and to speak out for them that abuse is NOT OKAY!

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I saw a lot of red flags with ex Spath, too. I didn’t know how to trust my intuition at that time. I think only by having my daughter did I learn to trust it. I’m sorry that you had to suffer 25 years with your ex Spath. 🙁 At least you are free now and on here helping me and many others by sharing your experience and wisdom. I know I personally benefit by what you have to say.


Both you and Ox Drover pointed that out about the stat being wrong. My bad and thanks for the correct info! I read that stat from “Protecting the Gift.” I’m not sure which year it was published, so it could just be outdated info. Or Gavin De Becker’s opinion. I totally agree with you that abused children have highly developed intuition. That’s basically the premise of De Becker’s book. He grew up in an abusive environment, those honing those survival skills and now sharing them with others to promote safety.

I’d been taught to supress my feelings for so long. And I am frequently disliked in disordered systems when I make observations and eventually find the need to speak up about things. I am typically that gets called “too sensative.” I’ve gotten to the point where I tell people “Maybe I am. Or maybe it’s that you aren’t sensative enough?” LOL, I’m getting very bold now that I’m a Mama Bear!

I am going to do just what you say and believe ME! So what if I’m wrong? I’d rather be wrong once in a while than allow someone access to my darling even once 🙂 I wish I could show her off to everyone here on LF. I know a lot of mothers feel this way about their little ones, but she really is a little doll! I would do anything to keep her safe and preserve her innocence.


Thank you for the book suggestion. I will find it on Amazon. It would be nice to be able to know the difference. I don’t want to be extremely paranoid. But I do want to be exceptionally cautious. I’ll check out the site you recommended, too. I can never get too much information to promote the well being of my babes!

Marie, it is only recently that women are being prosecuted and you will notice more and more female teachers are being prosecuted for having sex with their male (and female) students….part of it is ATTITUDE too. If a 16 year old girl has sex with a 35 year old man it is Statutory rape, but if a 16 year old guy has sex with a 35 year old woman “he got lucky”—-NO!~!! it is the same thing! But people are starting to look at the molestation of young men the same as young women, it will just take time.

Women are less likely to be caught now too….and always have been. So I guess there is a learning curve even for some of the people considered experts (and I DO consider Gavin DeBecker an expert, but that doesn’t mean he knows everything about everything!) LOL

Ox Drover,

The whole pedophile thing is just so scary to me. I want to live a normal life with my daughter and not instill undue fear in her, yet at the same time keep her safe. It’s good to know that female predators are not the rarity I thought they were.

This female predator I was posting about watched PBS kids and was singing songs from the shows my daughter liked, etc. But I never got an “Awww, how sweet” feeling. It felt off somehow. She’s hiding out in a religious group that is highly child centered. I want to warn people, but I have no “proof” other than my gut. She’s charasmatic and well-liked. The pushy, manipulative side of her was revealed to me in private conversations, or in front of her sweetheart, but in-denial sister.

Woman as predators is so unnerving to me, because as a culture we tend to revere our woman as mothers and those that take care of and protect children, not prey upon them sexually. Vomit!!! I looked at the book you recommended on Amazon and the cover tells the story… A sheep with a big wolf shadow behind it.

I’m constantly learning on LF! Oh, and update… I got the nerve to call ex Spath’s sponsor and ask him about the conversation with the craptastic ex friend. I told him I realized this was an awkward call to make and I wasn’t trying to do any third party communication or fish for information on my ex. All I wanted to know is if he thought I or my daughter were in danger. I read him excerpts from the emails that scared me. He said that if he felt I was in danger, he would have called and warned me. He admitted to talking about me with the craptastic ex friend, but said she grossly inflated what was discussed. As I have experienced this with her in the past, I believed him. I won’t continue to call him or anything, but I feel reassured after talking to him. We both summed the ex friend’s behavior as trying to scare me or continue to attempt to control me… So creepy, but at least I will sleep better tonight. The past two I have been hyper-vigilant. Every noise was him breaking in, ready to kill me.

Good Marie! Good for calling the Sponsor….this crapastic friend (I like that word, I’m stealing it!) was obviously trying to create drama and like you said control, so good she is out of your life.

Good job listening to your gut!

Ox Drover,

Use “craptastic” in good health! I read about craptastic friends on a website years ago, so I’m afraid I’ve stolen it as well. It’s too good not to use! Hope you have a great day!

Regarding hazing: There’s a popular book called “Persuasion.” I think the author is from the University of Arizona or Arizona State University. It addresses hazing as a thing we don’t have much control over, like an instinct. It’s not as if the people doing it are even thinking at the time, and that makes it even more scary. All attempts at stamping out hazing on college campuses are fighting an uphill battle. I’m not sure what the answer is, but certainly, if someone raises concerns, and if the people in charge don’t look into it, I support firing them on the spot. They’re hired to be above that “team spirit,” not a part of it.

you just wrote a great post. could you repost it under the KnockOut King article? i’d like someone else to read it.

Hi Katy

Sorry I didn’t reply to your post last night but I concked out watching TV.

I tell my children about Glasgow in the 70’s when I was a teen. It was bleak and filled with poverty. I left when I was 16 and went to work in Eastbourne for 4 years.

What a difference.

But as you say–it is so vibrant now and I love it. Children love it too as they don’t know it any other way.

What puts me off going up North is the midges. They just love me and I get an allergic reaction. I feel like such a wimp.

I’ve been to Glencoe and found it very haunting–to think of all those who died in battle. I am very sensitive to atmospheres and I could swear I could almost hear it.

I was awestruck.

You must give me tips on where to visit.


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