Here’s a theme I think we can relate to: Your partner (a male in this example, strictly for convenience’s sake)—a narcissist, or perhaps sociopath—blames you for his misery, bad moods, bad decisions, frustrations, dissatisfactions, disappointments and underfulfillment.
From his perspective, if he cheats on you—or deceives and betrays you—you will have deserved it, because you will have been responsible for the discontent that necessitated his violating behaviors.
Remember he feels entitled to have what he wants; he deserves what he wants, when he wants it; and if he’s frustrated, it must be someone’s fault.
Someone must be blamed, and you, his partner, will be his odds-on choice to own his blame.
It’s amazing how often we accept, against our better instincts, the narcissistic/sociopathic partner’s insistence that we are responsible for his infinite emptiness.
We do so for many reasons, but the one I’d like to stress is this: If we don’t accept this responsibility, his blame, we seriously risk losing the relationship.
Ongoing relationships with abusive, contemptuous partners require just this kind of Faustian contract: To preserve the relationship, however desecrated it is, I will accept your blame. For the sake of not yet losing this relationship, I will continue to entertain, if not own, your constant assertion that there is something in me—something deficient and insufficient—that explains your mistreatment and disrespect of me.
To say it somewhat differently, so long as we’re not yet ready to jettison a destructive relationship, a narrative must be constructed to explain our decision to stay. The narrative, as I suggest, often goes something like this: I am to blame—I —for my partner’s debasing attitudes and behaviors. I must be to blame, otherwise I’d leave.
The narrative is rational, but false. It’s a false narrative (in the back of our minds, we may sense its falseness), but it’s the only narrative under the circumstances that can explain, and seemingly justify, our continued tolerance of our partner’s nonsense.
A couple I spent some time with recently (clinically) illustrated this point well. The husband, Harold, was one of the most transparent narcissistic personalities I’ve ever seen. He’d recently ended an affair with a colleague (justifying the affair as a function of his right to pursue the fulfillment his spouse, Julia, wasn’t supplying).
Interestingly, about eight weeks into their courtship, Harold began offering up undisguised, alarming displays of his narcissism in general and narcissistic rage specifically. Julia was highly disturbed by each of these displays. All left her thinking, “This isn’t right. I should end this thing now, before I get deeper in. He shouldn’t be treating me like this. I shouldn’t be tolerating this.” But while recognizing these alarming warnings, she was already too deeply invested in her vision of the relationship—and Harold—to end it.
A dozen years later, not much has changed. Julia has a beautiful child and, in Harold, a spouse who’s conformed entirely to his early, advanced billing—he is demanding, often hostile and passive-aggressive, easily and constantly disappointed, blaming (of her) for the emptiness that leaves him constantly wanting, and prone to secretiveness.
Julia caters to his moods and demands in order to avoid eliciting the ugliest manifestations of his hostility (whose emergence threatens everpresently to scare and traumatize her).
But it’s no secret how Julia, with her high intelligence and striking emotional maturity, continues to justify her decision to endure what’s been Harold’s 12-year assault on her emotional safety and dignity.
She has owned the blame for his discontent, disappointments, and acting-out.
Just as soon as she’s ready to disown this falsely ascribed (and tacitly accepted) responsibility, she’ll find herself without a reason to accept the conditions of—and indignities associated with—Harold’s personality disorder.
At that point, the leverage will be hers—Harold will either have to shape up (unlikely), or she’ll be genuinely prepared to ship him out.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Ox Drover
Dear Hestian,
Good links on your “name” in red above…followed several of them to various articles.
I agree that DV has not declined and I agree that DV is “helped” by the “justice” system not taking DV as seriously as it should. The “system” gives too much power to judges and DAs who in the end are not really responsible to anyone “over” them.
Good luck as you try to get justice.
Seeingclearly, there are a FEW who can keep the mask up pretty well for more than 90 days—by having their victims so “hood winked” that even when it falls a bit, the first-time victim is blinded to what is going on.
Being an “informed consumer” about relationships though, where we are NOT so easily BLINDED, gives us a bit better edge on spotting even momentary slips of the mask. But, we must learn WHAT the signs are, what the red flags are, rather than just being “dis-trusting” of people in general I think.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
this is a quote on the Myria Foundation Blog that is linked to Hestian’s profile – don’t know if it hers or from Women who Love Psychopaths, but it’s a good one – and explains something i have been pondering for over a year:
‘To a sociopath, your ONLY value is the purpose you serve to their intended immediate ends. Those intended ends shift and change, and so must the means, altering YOUR value. ‘
ErinBrock
SINTCO:
Spaths tend to have the softest penis’s in town…..they’re always putting lotion on!
I’ts the only soft spot on their body!
🙂
ErinBrock
One:
I like that quote…..it’s SO true!!!!!
🙂 darlen….
Deceived
Wow! I have never seen this post before but it’s dead on. Sooo true…I took and accepted the blame for him sleeping with 3 women in 8 days…because as he put it….”I” made him angry so he ended up cheating on me because “I” made him mad. It is humiliating when I look back as to why I accepted it – the blame and the belief that I deserved it and I was somehow responsible for him cheating. Now I look back and feel so sad for that woman who felt so small and so worthless that she didn’t even have the ability to stand up for herself and even feel anger at that time. I really need to treat myself better and start thinking better of myself.
Ox Drover
Dear deceived,
YOU GET AN “AMEN SISTER!” TO THAT!
Deceived
Thank you, Ox. I don’t know whyit is such a struggle (at least for me it is) to be kinder to one’s self but then put up with so much crap from others and still show them kindness. I have it backward. Learning all this and teaching myself to be stronger sure IS hard work. Thanks for all the encouragement and support. I hope someday to have clarity of mind about this experience and about these people like you do.
fightforwhatsright
This article caught my eye tonight. It is a very good read. When I don’t accept the blame for nonsensical, narcissistic thinking of another person, it does change the entire relationship. At first, it is scary because we are stuck in keeping a maniac happy. But, each time I do it, I feel better about myself and my only allowing myself to be treated with dignity and respect, equalizing occurs.
Of course, a “situational choice” with a sociopath or personality disordered person is never a real relationship. But, whether it is a situation where we choose to stay or go, we are making the choice. Once we know we are making a choice, suddenly we open our eyes to all of the choices: No contact, ignoring, walking away, seeking education to respond in respectful (and self respectful) ways. Very helpful article.
blossom4th
I really like the way Steve Becker explains why we accept blame despite hating the way the sociopath is treating us.The article also explains why the time comes when we’re ready to walk away from the sociopath.
fightforwhatsright
So far, Steve Becker is the best contributing author here. I would recommend his e-book over any other author on this site. His understanding of sociopaths goes very deep and when I went to his website and read an excerpt from his ebook, it was comforting and professional like those of Patricia Evans, the very best on the subjects of emotional and verbal abuse. In one section, Steve Becker, LCSW, discusses the evolutional change of a partner once they have you. Very helpful professional, licensed, Social Worker. I have been trying to read all of his articles in the Archives here.