How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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BOOK REVIEW: Silent Partner, by the wife of former New Jersey Governor James McGreevey

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"At a point in every person's life, one has to look deeply into the mirror of one's soul and decide one's unique truth in the world, not as we may want to see it or hope to see it, but as it is. And so, my truth is that I am a gay American." That's how the former governor of New Jersey, James McGreevey, came out to the world in a press conference on August 13, 2004, as reported by CNN. McGreevey announced that he was being blackmailed because of an affair with a man and was resigning. During the press conference, the governor's wife, Dina Matos McGreevey, stood at his side, with a weird smile pasted on her face. She was obviously shell-shocked. The McGreeveys had started dating in …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Once upon a time, I would do anything for love, but not anymore

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Editor's note: This essay was submitted to the Lovefraud Blog by a reader who comments as "AlohaTraveler." I have thought about this for a long time. I have decided I am not going to tell you my story, at least not today. I have read the stories of other contributors and even more of visitors who have just discovered this site and posted their story in the blog comments. Believe me, I understand the need to tell someone what he/she did to you and your life. You just want someone to understand, because you don't. You don't understand why he did what he did. But worse, you don't understand why you let it happen or why you tolerated the intolerable far beyond reason. You don't know why you …

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Telling the truth about being conned, even when I look stupid

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Lovefraud receives a lot of e-mail. Usually the people who write the letters are dealing with the trauma of a sociopath, also called a psychopath. They thank Lovefraud for the information we provide, and ask for advice about their personal situations. Every once in awhile, however, someone writes an e-mail that is less than appreciative, such as this one from a guy named Tim: I had the misfortune to encounter your website today and must say that after laughing heartily at your story, I find your grasp of mathematics, statistics and psychology to be completely dumbfounding. Could you please explain how you arrive at the conclusion there are *exactly* 411 psychopaths in the Beverly …

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If someone has most psychopathic traits, it’s reason enough to leave

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Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader: My ex has almost all the characteristics I have read on your site. He lies habitually, is financially irresponsible, and lets the burden fall on friends and family, and he started to burden me from the beginning financially on a small scale. I had hints in the beginning that he was a jerk when he disrespected my father (I wasn't sure at the time if it was on purpose, or inadvertent), but at the same time it was confusing because he seemed so pleasant, helpful and charming. He also cooked for me every night and helped me with my kids, but as far as work goes, he was lazy and lied about working at times. He borrowed small …

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With sociopaths, financial precautions don’t matter

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Lovefraud.com has posted a new case study: Pilot romances his co-worker, gets her to buy him a plane. Yes, it's true. Lance Larabee, who lives near Seattle, Washington, convinced Debbie White, who lives near Chicago, Illinois, to go into business with him. He had the idea; she had the money—her recent divorce settlement. All he needed was a plane, a boat, a conversion van and money to clear up some debts. The business never got off the ground. Five and a half years later, White learned that she had essentially bought Larabee toys—big, expensive toys that he apparently used to impress other women. Her money was gone, and she had nothing to show for it. In fact, she was more than $10 …

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Experts disagree on what’s wrong with O.J. Simpson

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Last Sunday, a few hours after I wrote on the Lovefraud Blog about how I recognized sociopathic traits in the behavior of O.J. Simpson, the former football star was arrested on charges of armed robbery in that Las Vegas hotel room. Television talking heads immediately ramped up their speculation on why he allegedly did it. Each expert seemed to have his or her own theory. Some experts had multiple theories. Let's take a look at some of them. CNN, Friday, September 14 Here's what transpired on CNN's Nancy Grace Show before Simpson was arrested. Jane Velez-Mitchell, an investigative reporter, said Simpson engaged in self-destructive behavior because he wanted to be caught. "Why …

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A close encounter with a sociopath changes everything

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O.J. Simpson is in the news again. On Friday, Las Vegas police named him as a suspect in an armed robbery. The fallen football star was allegedly part of a group of men who entered a hotel room and took sports memorabilia that once belonged to Simpson. The facts of the incident—including whether or not weapons were involved—are currently being investigated by the police. So here's Simpson's version of the story: He was running a sting operation to retrieve items that were stolen from him. He was in Las Vegas to attend a friend's wedding, and got some guys he met at a cocktail party to go with him to the hotel room. He says there was no gun and nobody got "roughed up." According to a vid …

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Psychopaths use our best qualities against us

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I am a person with a very strong sense of responsibility. If I make a commitment to do something, I honor my commitment. Generally, being responsible is considered a positive quality. But it is the quality that made me stay with my psychopathic ex-husband far longer than I should have. I knew he was taking money from me. I knew he was lying to me (although I vastly underestimated the extent of his deception). I didn't love him anymore. So why did I stay? I had married him, and to me, marriage was a commitment. I've written before about how psychopaths find our weaknesses and exploit them. The scary truth is that they also exploit our strengths. Nurturing qualities It takes a special …

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What is a sociopath feeling?

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Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader: "I am trying to understand what the sociopath is feeling. Do they feel love? Do they love? What hurts a sociopath? How can you communicate with a sociopath?" The problem in dealing with a sociopath, or psychopath, is that they are fundamentally different from the rest of us. The extent of their difference is truly difficult to comprehend—until you've had a close encounter with one of them. Let's look at these questions individually. Do they feel love? The short answer is no. In order to feel love, a person must be able to feel empathy. Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other people. Those of us who are c …

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Sociopaths, at first, don’t act like jerks

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When I first met my ex-husband, James Montgomery, whom I now believe is a sociopath, he treated me like gold. His attentiveness started with our initial e-mail correspondence. Yes, we met via the Internet, but he lived nearby—I wasn't worried about the pitfalls of a long-distance relationship. During our three weeks of preliminary correspondence—his notes were clever and well-written—he made it clear that he was interested in me. When we did meet, Montgomery was attentive, charming and entertaining. He asked questions and listened to my answers. He was quick to pay me compliments. Yes, he talked about himself a lot, but he was intelligent and intriguing, so I didn't mind—I felt like I was g …

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