By Ox Drover When I was a kid growing up, one of the “old sayings” that was bandied around the family was the one about “Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.” As a small child this didn't make any sense, since there weren't any Greeks that I knew of living anywhere around where we lived in central Arkansas. (The phrase actually refers to the story of the ancient Greeks invading Troy by hiding soldiers in a massive wooden horse that was given to the city as a gift—the Trojan Horse.) This saying could have been paraphrased as “beware of ANYONE that you don't trust bearing gifts.” Many cultures teach their children that if someone does a favor for you, the “law of reciprocity” means you are …
LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: Marriage, then discovering the lies
Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we'll call “Nora.” The names in this letter have been changed. One Saturday, in October 2009, I married someone I thought was the man of my dreams. When this man came into my life last year, I had suffered several losses and was very vulnerable. I thought I had finally met an honorable, loving, understanding, romantic, Christian man. We laughed together, planned our future together, and seemed like the perfect couple. I should have remembered when something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Although I didn't expect everything would always be rosy, soon after we were married, I discovered that everything I tho …
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The LoveFraud version of “The Ugly Duckling”
By Ox Drover Once upon a time there was a mother duck who hatched a large clutch of eggs. She had done this many times before and had raised her clutch of identical ducklings, all fluffy and yellow when they were born, into pristine white adults who then had clutches of their own yellow ducklings. This time, however, one of her ducklings was not yellow and fluffy like all the others. His neck was quite long and his feathers were an ugly gray color. Plus, he was quite clumsy when he walked. He was so much larger than his siblings that he sort of stuck out like a sore thumb in her otherwise identical clutch of babies. She was very puzzled about this odd baby and didn't quite know what to …
The self-fulfilling prophecy
By Ox Drover My first encounter with a self-fulfilling prophecy (though I didn't call it that name) was back when I was a band-aid-covered kid learning to ride a bicycle. I kept hitting rocks on the streets on which I rode, and even though I did my best to avoid those rocks and the inevitable spills that hitting them meant, it seemed I could never miss a one. I seemed to hit them all. When I would see a rock ahead I kept my eye on it so I could avoid it, but somehow always seemed to hit the darn thing even though I was trying to be careful to avoid it. I felt like I was doomed to hit every rock on the road. One day my stepfather mentioned to me that if I would not look at the rock …
Loving ourselves–one piece at a time
By Ox Drover One of the things we hear frequently on LoveFraud and in self help books we might read is to “love yourself.” This sounds like great advice, but the thing is no one ever tells me exactly how to do this. Some suggestions for increasing my “self love” and “self esteem” given in various books and articles are to use “positive affirmations” such as “I am wonderful,” or some other positive self talk that I should repeat over and over inside my head until I eventually start to believe it. Even though I might say these phrases over and over, no matter how positive and “self affirming” they may sounds, somehow I never seem to truly believe them. After saying them over and over i …
TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day
Editor's note: Lovefraud received this e-mail from a reader whom we'll call “Lara.” About three months ago, I met a 34-year-old German banker from Munich online (he added me on Facebook), after being very hesitant to speak to him, I gave into his persistence and we started a whirlwind romance over the phone for two months. He asked me to meet him in Paris and I did a few weeks ago, only to be dumped the day after we had sex together. I have been asking myself for answers but it was only recently that my friend brought to my attention that Y (German banker) exhibited the key traits of a sociopath. Y added me randomly on Facebook and we had one mutual friend (A fellow Korean Uni student a …
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Psychopathic parents and the disappearance of baby Gabriel Johnson
By Ox Drover In the last few years the national media have picked up several stories of psychopaths using their children as weapons to inflict severe emotional damage to the nurturing parent. In the “Clark Rockefeller” case, the man posing as a member of the Rockefeller family kidnapped his daughter from a supervised visitation and held her hostage for several days before he was found. Another case featured here in a Lovefraud article was about Dr. Amy Castillo's three children being murdered by her husband to inflict punishment on her after she had warned the judge that her ex-husband had made this very threat. In spite of this, the judge let the psychopath have unsupervised visi …
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A Witness to Healing
Editor's Note: The author of this piece, Travis Vining, told his story to Lovefraud readers back in 2008. He is the son of a psychopath, and wrote about how confusing it was to know that the man was his father, and also a murderer. Travis' previous blog articles are listed under “True Lovefraud Stories.”Travis helped get his father, John Vining, convicted of three murders. The Orlando Sentinel recently published a three-part series of articles about Travis and the murders. You can read the articles here:Part 1 of 3: In ”˜o4, killer's son recalled dad admitted to 2 killingsPart 2 of 3: Plan by killer John Vining's son involves betrayal, lies, audiotapePart 3 of 3: Search for killer John Vining …
RESOURCE PERSPECTIVES: When what you give is squandered
Editor's Note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud's Professional Resources Guide. Re-thinking identity as a giver when giving too much can hurt By Fannie LeFlore, MS,LPC,CADC-D Fannie LeFlore profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide If you've been victimized by someone, chances are the positive qualities you possess were viewed as an opportunity to take advantage of you — often by someone who lacks caring and concern, consciousness or character, usually in combination. Being un-thoughtful and even callous in our stressed, hurried and often competitive and conflict-oriented society can become as easy as brushing one's teeth. T …
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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: A broken military system, a simple request
Editor's Note: Kathleen Mills first contacted Lovefraud in September 2006 about her military husband, who she believes is a sociopath. He filed for divorce, deployed to Iraq and refused to pay her the financial support that by law, military families are entitled to receive. A year ago Kathy sued the Ohio National Guard and the governor of Ohio. “My situation is still the same,” she wrote last week. “My husband is still committing BAH fraud, with the open knowledge not only of the Guard, but the governor's office.” Kathy Mills is editor of the divorce section of www.4militaryfamilies.com. She has been invited to testify before the House Armed Services sub-committee. The followi …
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