By Ox Drover My first encounter with a self-fulfilling prophecy (though I didn't call it that name) was back when I was a band-aid-covered kid learning to ride a bicycle. I kept hitting rocks on the streets on which I rode, and even though I did my best to avoid those rocks and the inevitable spills that hitting them meant, it seemed I could never miss a one. I seemed to hit them all. When I would see a rock ahead I kept my eye on it so I could avoid it, but somehow always seemed to hit the darn thing even though I was trying to be careful to avoid it. I felt like I was doomed to hit every rock on the road. One day my stepfather mentioned to me that if I would not look at the rock …
Sociopaths and “The Crying Game”
Are sociopaths who cry “sensitive sociopaths,” or just extra clever sociopaths? What's going on when sociopaths cry? Is their crying ever sincere, or always insincere? Is it ever deep, or always superficial? Always calculated, or sometimes spontaneous? In short, what's the deal with sociopaths and the crying game? There are some sociopaths—more classical, Cleckley-like sociopaths—who can “cry on demand,” by which I mean cry, as if spontaneously, from a consciously manipulative agenda. Many of these sociopaths can summon displays of emotional vulnerability, like tearful anguish and contrition, with the skill of the gifted character actor. In some cases, to extend the metaphor, some so …
Treating sexually active priests
A psychologist who treats priests was not surprised by continuing revelations of sexual abuse in the Catholic Church. But there was something that surprised him: "It was a surprise for me to see how many psychopaths I met in the priesthood," Dr. Leslie Lothstein said. "Glib, callous, could say anything to you and be charming." Read A psychologist steeped in treatment of sexually active priests, on nytimes.com. Link suggested by a Lovefraud reader. …
What sociopaths want: power, control and sex
The two most recent Letters to Lovefraud both had the same theme: Sociopathic men who relentlessly pursued women, proclaiming their love, making glowing promises of a committed relationship. The men pushed for sex, and although the women resisted, eventually, believing they were involved in real romances, the women succumbed to the men's physical desires. With that, both women were dumped. Read the letters here: I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day I felt bonded, even though this made me nauseated Both women were astounded at how they were unceremoniously booted. They had a hard time coming to grips with the idea that they'd been used and abused. How …
Why do they kill?
Anyone who is interested in the topic of domestic violence should read Why Do They Kill? by David Adams. The book describes Adams' detailed interviews of men who were convicted of killing their partners, and women who were victims of attempted murder. The breakthrough here is that Dr. Adams' findings are in complete agreement with those of Dr. Dutton. There is now little doubt that terroristic batterers have psychopathic personality traits. Because David Adams' findings are so important I want to summarize them here, then so as not to throw too much at you at once, next week I'll relate these findings to psychopathic personality traits and explain why I would call these individuals …
The Bluebird of Happiness
By Ox Drover Today I had an epiphany: I am happy. Really happy. Joyously happy. Exuberantly happy. Why is today different that any other day? Two months ago I was unhappy. Why am I now happy? Nothing much has really changed from two months ago. I'm a few pounds lighter, but that isn't what makes me happy, though, I am working on losing some weight. My bank account is quite a bit lighter than it was two months ago, so that isn't what is making me happy. The psychopaths in my life don't like me one bit more than they did two months ago. I haven't found the love of my life riding on a white horse, or even a white donkey. What is making me happy? Well, today I saw the “Bluebird of H …
The Lovefraud message, a step further
Many readers have told me that Lovefraud is the most comprehensive website about sociopaths on the Internet. According to Google Analytics, Lovefraud gets more than 50,000 visits a month, and of them, almost half are returning visitors. People return, I'm sure, because of the Lovefraud Blog. As of May 1, 2010, a total of 716 articles, and more than 72,400 comments were posted on the blog. We have a vibrant, helpful conversation going. We talk about why sociopaths do what they do, how we fell into the trap, how we can recover, and the huge problem that these predators represent in the world. Anything related to sociopaths is fair game for discussion on the Lovefraud Blog. So why am I …
Loving ourselves–one piece at a time
By Ox Drover One of the things we hear frequently on LoveFraud and in self help books we might read is to “love yourself.” This sounds like great advice, but the thing is no one ever tells me exactly how to do this. Some suggestions for increasing my “self love” and “self esteem” given in various books and articles are to use “positive affirmations” such as “I am wonderful,” or some other positive self talk that I should repeat over and over inside my head until I eventually start to believe it. Even though I might say these phrases over and over, no matter how positive and “self affirming” they may sounds, somehow I never seem to truly believe them. After saying them over and over i …
Sociopaths As Discarders
In my last LoveFraud article I discussed strategies for vetting your new partner for “personality skeletons” lurking in the “apparent” history. I'd like to focus, here, more specifically (and in more depth) on individuals with a pattern of discarding the people in their lives. Sociopaths and other seriously disturbed narcissistic personality types will have this history—that is, a history (past and recent) that's almost certainly littered with friends, family, and anyone who was once useful, whom they've cast off ostensibly for one or another reason. As best as possible we want to glean this history, if it's applicable and somehow accessible. In such cases, we want to ensure that bli …
TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next day
Editor's note: Lovefraud received this e-mail from a reader whom we'll call “Lara.” About three months ago, I met a 34-year-old German banker from Munich online (he added me on Facebook), after being very hesitant to speak to him, I gave into his persistence and we started a whirlwind romance over the phone for two months. He asked me to meet him in Paris and I did a few weeks ago, only to be dumped the day after we had sex together. I have been asking myself for answers but it was only recently that my friend brought to my attention that Y (German banker) exhibited the key traits of a sociopath. Y added me randomly on Facebook and we had one mutual friend (A fellow Korean Uni student a …
TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: I met him on Facebook, was used for sex and dumped the next dayRead More