Lovefraud first heard from Liz Cole, author of Perfect Prey—Surviving a Cyber Shark's Romantic Fraud, back in 2007, shortly after she realized that the guy she met on the Internet was a sociopath. The guy called himself John Hill, although that wasn't his real name. Liz wrote: In my case, John presented himself as: an Irish born gentleman, well groomed, graduate degreed, retired from the Royal Marines where he performed his tour of duty in the Falkland Islands, a dutiful and tireless single parent to one daughter, aged 25 completing Medical School in Dublin, an accomplished chef and restaurateur, an accomplished sailor, multi-lingual, affectionate, old-school about e …
Healthy Giving
Editor's note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. By Ox Drover Thirty years ago I met a special lady, she was my next-door neighbor's sister-in-law. She had grown up in Italy during WWII. Her father was a “slave” to the government and worked for them. In exchange, he was given at least a limited amount of food. He loved his children and gave all the food to his children. As a consequence of giving all the food he had to his children, he became very weak and unable to work at full capacity. His masters informed him that if he continued to give the majority of the food to his children that when he became unable to w …
When nurture becomes nature
There comes a time when nurture becomes nature. This is the time when nurture and nature become inextricable, inseparable. I suspect nobody knows precisely when this point arrives in the development of a given individual, but the immediate ramification is this: When you are involved specifically with a sociopath, or any exploitative personality, it is imperative that you stop asking how this person became who he is? Sure, he likely endured—and was shaped by—some form of neglect or abuse growing up, and if this wasn't obvious in the history, it was still likely there. But here's the point: it doesn't matter. Not one bit. Instead, you must relinquish your empathy, compassion and cur …
Your voice. It counts.
When I was with the man whose lies no longer hurt me, I believed he held my freedom in his hands. I believed I could only be free with his love. With his words. His voice feeding me the lies I called the truth. The lies I believed were truth and was too afraid to uncover with my questions, with my doubt, with my fear he was telling lies. Freed of him, I know the truth. I am free when I watch my words. When I listen to my voice. When I hear my thoughts and acknowledge my presence in my life — without measuring my journey against someone else's belief they hold my freedom in their hands. It took me awhile to get here. Here to this place where I know my value is found in everything I do and s …
Recovering from a sociopath: acceptance and focusing on now
Lovefraud has heard from a woman who we'll call “Sally.” Sally is dealing with a sociopathic man who threatened to kill her, sabotage her daughter's career and injure other family members. She says law enforcement either doesn't believe her or doesn't care. Sally has been in touch with another of the sociopath's victims, and they've helped each other through the nightmare. Still, people in regular support groups don't believe them, and friends and family members have backed away. A lawyer and a therapist have backed away. Sally recently sent Lovefraud the following e-mail: You just can't imagine this, because I can't either. The person that was me is gone ”¦ and no one has taken her place. …
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ASK DR. LEEDOM: Is there any new research on sociopaths and parenting?
I recently received this note from a reader in Ireland: The reason I'm writing today is I have a friend who is in the same position has just recently had contact from her 2.5yr old son's sociopathic father, looking for access. She is learning all about what having a sociopathic father actually means, has read the book (Just Like His Father?), but is still unsure whether to allow it or not. What do you think? Any new research? Anything that shows clearly kids do better without contact? I do not know of any new research on this topic. We previously discussed two papers parents should be aware of; one concerns antisocial fathers and the other concerns antisocial mothers. Antisocial …
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Your reality is what you see
By Ox Drover My best friend has been visiting me and, as usual, when we get together we re-share “old stories” of “remember the time when so-and-so did such-and-such and how we laughed?” One of those stories was a funny one about a small quarrel I had with my late husband. After relating the story, I had one of those “ah ha!” moments that applies to a lot of things in life. My husband had a partial plate that was almost impossible for the dentist to get seated so that it did not “flop” and my husband used some of that pink goop that you put under a dental plate to keep it glued down. Every evening when he would get ready for bed, he would go into our bathroom, take the plate out, scrape th …
D.C. Sniper killing spree was a plot to win child custody
John Allen Muhammad, the D.C. Sniper, will die by lethal injection tomorrow. John Allen Muhammad and his teenaged accomplice, Lee Boyd Malvo, terrorized the Washington, D.C. area for three weeks in October 2002. In the end, 10 people were dead and three were wounded. The victims, selected at random, were shot while doing mundane chores like pumping gas and loading Halloween decorations into a car. I'm sure you remember the terror of the killings. But you may not realize that the killing spree was an escalation of a child custody battle. Psychological abuse Mildred Muhammad, the ex-wife of John Allen Muhammad, spoke at the Battered Mothers Custody Conference in Albany last January. Her …
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When does bitterness become a disorder?
The damage done to strangers, lovers and family members by sociopaths includes physical, emotional, psychological, social and financial harm. Over the years I have encountered many people whose lives have been damaged in this way. The victimization alone is very sad, but people suffer not only from the actual damage but from their psychological and emotional reactions to it. It is one thing to lose a large sum of money or time that you can't ever get back. The losses happened and are permanently in the past. It is another thing for a person's present to be occupied by that loss. The Aftermath is often more extensive than the victimization itself It is my observation that for many …
BOOK REVIEW: A Dangerous Fortune
Editor's note: The Lovefraud reader “Usedandabused” recently found A Dangerous Fortune, by Ken Follett, in her garage. Although it's not a new book—published in 1993—she said it was the best portrayal of a psychopath that she'd ever read. In this breathtaking and complex page-turner, master storyteller Ken Follett portrays a psychopath with sharp emotional clarity that cannot be found in a scientific text. Micky Miranda, the son of a brutal psychopathic South American caudillo of the late 19th century, jumped from the pages into my psyche during his twenty-five year scam of a prominent London banking family. Devoid of compassion and remorse but rife with cutting instincts into the psyches …