Many women have written to Lovefraud about husbands who they've come to believe are sociopaths. They were astounded to discover that, not only was the husband cheating, but he was having sex with men. Lovefraud reader eyeswideshut writes about this in a recent comment to the post, After he's gone: looking at the sociopath through open eyes. She asks: Now that I know he is also gay, is sociopathic tendency in married gay men not common as well? When I read the stories of the women in the book ("Straight Wives"), many of the men sound like sociopaths as well. Have you studied this phenomenon? Is it possible that gay men who choose to live the lie of married life are likely also …
When the sociopath is gone: Pain is temporary
Lance Armstrong said, “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” When I was in an abusive relationship with a sociopath, the pain was overwhelming. I quit trying to get through it and gave into it. I quit and felt like it would last forever. "Nothing lasts forever - not even your troubles" so said psychologist, Arnold H. Glasgow. Trouble is, when I'm in trouble I 'always' think in absolutes, like never and forever. When I'm in never and forever land, I tell myself tomorrow is too far away to even bother caring about what happens today. I tell myself …
Aristotle: Sociopath or Machiavellian?
This week, I am departing from the usual and sharing an essay written by someone else. My daughter turned 17 this week and is applying to start college early. I have often felt sorry for her because she has had to endure my pontificating on the nature of humanness. As part of her application she was asked to comment on a quote from Aristotle. I was shocked at the level of insight she had into the implications of the quote. I was mostly surprised that her response indicates she does indeed listen when I speak! She wrote this essay without any help from me. It sounds like Aristotle was rather like a sociopath, or in the very least, like a Machiavellian in his views. I'll let you …
Iagoism: Or, passive aggression is still aggression
In Shakespeare's Othello, perhaps the most unwatchable/watchable play there is, Othello murders his wife Desdemona believing as he does that she has cheated on him with Casio. It's an awful business; for one thing, she's entirely innocent. How does it come about that noble Othello's moral vision is so entirely clouded that he commits this heinous act? Well, he needed some help in breaking that terrible taboo. The help comes from Iago who subtly poisons Othello's mind. Two questions emerge: How does Iago do it and why? Let's start with the second question first. Why does Iago destroy Othello (and Desdemona too, let's not forget)? This question has puzzled scholars through the ages. Iago …
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When dealing with a sociopath, you must save yourself
Yesterday was a tough day at Lovefraud. First thing in the morning, I got a call from a woman I'd spoken to before. She was hysterical. From what she'd told me previously, it sounded like she was dealing with three sociopaths—her husband, her oldest son, and a guy she had an affair with. Initially, her husband had condoned the affair. Then he left her. Then he returned. Then he smeared her with her family and friends. The oldest son was violent. "You have to get out," I advised. "I don't have any money," she whined. "My husband hid the checkbook." "Is your name on the account?" I asked. "Yes." "Then go to the bank, withdraw money and leave." Then she started telling m …
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Questions that best identify sociopathy in a person
It really bothers me that researchers haven't developed a measure to help people figure out if their loved ones are sociopathic. Instead, measures have been developed and the public is told NOT to use them to “diagnose” anyone. What good is research if it doesn't teach people how to protect themselves? It would not be too difficult to identify a group of sociopaths, then determine a few easy questions related to the disorder most of the sociopaths answer yes or no to (that is sensitivity). The questions would be even better if non-sociopaths were unlikely to give the same response (that is specificity). In a recent study (Comp. Psych. 48, 529), Dr. Heather Gelhorn and her colleagues from th …
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Aggression
Question: Why do people engage in aggressive behaviour (some, as we know, rather more than others)? Answer: Because they enjoy it. There's a bit of a flutter on the internet (see here and here) about research coming out of Vanderbilt University. Studying mice, Maria Couppis and Craig Kennedy have found that aggression can be as emotionally rewarding as food or sex. The neurotransmitter dopamine has been implicated in nearly every experience we consider rewarding, such as love, drugs, eating, and sex. Indeed, the mesolimbic dopamine pathway is referred to as the reward system of the brain. Dopamine is necessary for reinforcement, e.g. the ex-smoker's craving brought about by the whiff …
After he’s gone: Looking at the sociopath through open eyes.
My 100% responsibility. I had a glass of wine last night with a girlfriend who is leaving for a three month holiday at the beginning of February. Where she's going is not important -- except when put in the context of who is at the place she's going to. A man. A man she once loved who could not, would not commit. A man who hid behind silence. Who never told her where he was, what he was doing or who he was with. She spent the first year after leaving him healing her broken heart. And then she started dating. A few months ago she decided to phone the man far away. "We were such good friends. Friends stay in touch and I just wanted to see how he was," she told me. With that phone call, the …
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Differentiating narcissists and psychopaths
Editor's note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com. We can begin by noting something that both narcissists and psychopaths share: a tendency to regard others as objects more than persons. Immediately this raises concerns: you don't have to empathize with objects; objects don't have feelings worth recognizing. You can toy with objects; manipulate and exploit them for your own gratification, with a paucity of guilt. Welcome to the world of the narcissist and psychopath. Theirs is a mindset of immediate, …
ASK DR. LEEDOM: Are sociopaths (and psychopaths) vindictive?
A woman who married and had children with two different sociopathic men wrote us this week. Her story and questions are timely since they allow me to mention another upcoming book, the conference Donna and I attended last weekend and to discuss vindictiveness. It seems most women who have children with sociopaths end up with the sociopaths walking out on their children as well as the women, leaving the survivors to mop up and struggle to understand what happened on their own. From what I understand of sociopaths, the prevalent attitude they seem to behave as if they "don't care" about anything except doing what benefits them”¦ (she told her story of marriage, children, custody battles and …
ASK DR. LEEDOM: Are sociopaths (and psychopaths) vindictive?Read More