How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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After he’s gone: Looking at the sociopath through open eyes.

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My 100% responsibility. I had a glass of wine last night with a girlfriend who is leaving for a three month holiday at the beginning of February. Where she's going is not important -- except when put in the context of who is at the place she's going to. A man. A man she once loved who could not, would not commit. A man who hid behind silence. Who never told her where he was, what he was doing or who he was with. She spent the first year after leaving him healing her broken heart. And then she started dating. A few months ago she decided to phone the man far away. "We were such good friends. Friends stay in touch and I just wanted to see how he was," she told me. With that phone call, the …

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Differentiating narcissists and psychopaths

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Editor's note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com. We can begin by noting something that both narcissists and psychopaths share: a tendency to regard others as objects more than persons. Immediately this raises concerns: you don't have to empathize with objects; objects don't have feelings worth recognizing. You can toy with objects; manipulate and exploit them for your own gratification, with a paucity of guilt. Welcome to the world of the narcissist and psychopath. Theirs is a mindset of immediate, …

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ASK DR. LEEDOM: Are sociopaths (and psychopaths) vindictive?

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A woman who married and had children with two different sociopathic men wrote us this week. Her story and questions are timely since they allow me to mention another upcoming book, the conference Donna and I attended last weekend and to discuss vindictiveness. It seems most women who have children with sociopaths end up with the sociopaths walking out on their children as well as the women, leaving the survivors to mop up and struggle to understand what happened on their own. From what I understand of sociopaths, the prevalent attitude they seem to behave as if they "don't care" about anything except doing what benefits them”¦ (she told her story of marriage, children, custody battles and …

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The psychopath’s bewildering ways of talking

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A reader says: "I kept wondering what was going on in his head. I could never follow his thinking. I think he might have been into alcohol and drugs and that in itself messes the brain, and along with his other personality disorders, sure makes for a confusing relationship." The thinking patterns of the psychopath are indeed weird. It seems there are biological and intentional reasons for this. In others words, he is unable to think very logically PLUS he intends to mislead. No wonder he is hard to follow! Below I list several factors which together make the psychopath a most bamboozling character. The odd speech of psychopaths The psychopath makes "frequent use of contradictory …

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Worst-case scenarios at the Battered Women conference

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The keynote speaker had a question for the 200 or so women in the room during the Battered Women, Abused Children and Child Custody conference: "How many of you have been thrown in jail during your custody battle?" Approximately 15 women raised their hands. These women had been thrown in jail by the courts—technically on charges such as contempt of court or failure to pay child support. In reality, the women were jailed for trying to protect their children from abusive fathers. At least one woman was a fugitive, unable to return to her home state. No one in the audience was surprised—except, perhaps, me. Dr. Liane Leedom and I attended the conference, which was held this past wee …

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Undoing the riddle of the sociopath

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A while ago, I heard a riddle on the radio I hadn't heard since I was a young girl. Three men go to a hotel and book a room together. The room costs $30, so they each pay $10. After they've gone upstairs the desk clerk realizes the room only cost $25. He gives the bellhop $5 and tells him to return the money to the men. The bellhop figures he can't split $5 evenly, so he pockets $2 and gives them each $1 back. That means they each paid $9 for the room. Which means they paid, $27 total. But, if you add the bellhops $2, it means there's only $29 -- Where did the extra $1 go? Ultimately, the answer is, it's not a math question -- it's a case of misdirection. The riddle asks us to follow the …

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ASK DR. LEEDOM: Are there psychological tactics for dealing with a psychopath?

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I received this question from a woman who is divorcing a man she believes has the traits of a psychopath (according to the psychopathy checklist): “What psychological tactics can you suggest in dealing with a psychopath? There must be some tools and strategies to stay a step ahead. I've read books on identifying liars and tried to educate myself on strengthening my position in recognizing The Predator. There has to be some guidelines somewhere on How to Ride That Horse. I have had hundreds of horses throughout my life and pride myself on being able to ride anyone that crosses my path. Although this horse has been the most difficult and I continue to be dragged, trampled and kicked, I c …

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(Given what you’ve learned the hard way) what’s your attitude like?

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It could be argued that the sociopath is cynical: contemptuous; mocking; concerned only with his own interests and typically disregarding accepted or appropriate standards in order to achieve them - the opposite of idealistic. And there is a danger that one who has learned the hard way about sociopaths becomes jaded: dulled, blunted, deadened, inured; tired, weary, wearied; unmoved, blasé, apathetic - the opposite of fresh. The online version of the Guardian newspaper runs a series in which readers provide their responses to 'Ethical conundrums'. Given the nature of our interests on this blog, this one caught my eye: Is it worse to be cynical or jaded? …

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TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: He wanted me to keep playing his bitch

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Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a 24-year-old woman, a graduate student. He told me he was all I needed; he told me that he was the only person who cared. He told me my friends hated me because they were so mad at me because I got sick. He told me they were just all bitches like all of the other girls in the world. Like his ex-girlfriends, like his mother, like (me). I had no idea that sociopaths existed. I thought that "sociopath" was only a word thrown about on TV, late night news, America's Most Wanted. My therapist told me that my ex-boyfriend is one of the worst sociopaths that she has heard about in her 12 years of practice. Abuse starts slow The …

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What the sociopath experience has taught me

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Recently, I had a run-in with someone who displays traits of a bully. Because of my experience with the sociopath, the abuser no longer in my life, I didn't get bullied by his assertions that he was in the right and I was wrong, wrong, wrong -- not to mention stupid. Now, it is disconcerting to have an encounter of this sort. It is never pleasant to have someone yelling at me, or telling me I'd better do what they say, or else. In the case of this individual, the 'or else' was connected to his assertion he had the power to ruin my life in this city because, 'he knows people'. He and his dad are connected and all it would take is one phone call, and wham! I wouldn't know what hit me. Once …

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