How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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Strategies to help recover from a break-up — at least in normal relationships

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In a recent scientific paper, researchers tested three cognitive strategies to help people get over a breakup with a romantic partner. They studied 24 heartbroken people, who had been in the relationship an average of 2.5 years. All were upset, and most still loved their exes. The recovery strategies: Negatively reappraise their ex — highlighting the ex's negative traits. Love reappraisal — accepting feelings of love without judgment. Distraction — think about positive things unrelated to the ex. Here were the results, according to the study authors: Negative reappraisal decreased love feelings but made participants feel unpleasant. Love reappraisal did nothing. Di …

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If your relationship and financial support are gone, services for displaced homemakers may be able to help

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[youtube_sc url="https://youtu.be/KXLu76dm_jU"] If you're in dire financial straits because you've been abandoned, divorced or widowed, there may be resources in your community to help you. At last month's Battered Mothers Custody Conference, I met Nancy Howard, director of the Center for People in Transition at Rowan College in Gloucester County, New Jersey. Her social services agency assists displaced homemakers in becoming self-sufficient. Nancy told me that displaced homemaker programs are available in all 50 states of the United States. To find them, just Google "displaced homemaker" and the name of your state. According to People in Transition, a displaced homemaker is …

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Self respect means not having to say you’re sorry (unless you really mean it)

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By Eleanor Cowan In my large family, so many of us were affected by our mother’s personality disorder that over time, our odd behaviors and adaptations became normalized. When neighbors asked about my mother’s terrible shrieking and screaming or her calling her children names such as "stupid brainless idiots," I’d quickly minimize the damage and offer inauthentic responses. “Oh, our house is so big. She’s just calling everyone for supper.” When I read, years later, that people swear according to their insecurities, I sensed my mother felt insecure about the education she lacked. Always guilt-free herself, she loudly blamed her older children for our toddler brother’s dangerous habit of …

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12 ways sociopaths say, ‘It’s not my fault’ — what have you heard?

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One of the defining characteristics of a sociopath is that they never take responsibility for anything. Nothing is ever their fault. Any problem they face is always caused by someone else, or circumstances beyond their control. I'll bet that a young sociopath invented the excuse, "The dog ate my homework." Early in my relationship with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, he explained that his innovative business venture wasn't built because "the government took his land." Of course, he never mentioned the fact that he never owned the land, and never raised the money to buy the land. He just blamed the government for his business failure. Since I launched Lovefraud, I've …

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After dating a sociopath, the advice you need for your recovery

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The most telling sign that you've been dating a sociopath is confusion. This person claimed to love you, but after the initial whirlwind romance, treated you like dirt. Your partner would be absolutely brutal to you, and the next day, maybe even the next hour, act like nothing ever happened. He or she seemed to be proud of you, and then did nothing but criticize you. You finally figured out that something was wrong — he or she was disordered — and you ended the involvement. And then you started to second-guess yourself — what if you made a mistake? There are reasons why you feel so conflicted, and I've helped hundreds of people find validation and clarity after the insanity of these rel …

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The answer: Why psychopaths do what they do

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Perhaps the biggest question asked by people who have been targeted by psychopaths is, "Why?" 1. Why did he work so hard to win me, proclaiming his love and promising a beautiful future together, and then suddenly dump me? 2. Why does she intentionally scare, upset, demean and embarrass her own children? 3. Why does he lie about stupid things, even when he'd be better off telling the truth? 4. Why doesn't she care that she's hurting me? I'm sure you have your own list of "why?" questions. We try to make sense of the psychopath's unfathomable behavior. We look for explanations that we can understand: Perhaps he was abused or felt abandoned as a child. Perhaps she has low …

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Cognitive dissonance: Vicky Cilliers can’t accept that her husband tried to kill her by tampering with her parachute

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Emile Cilliers, a British army sergeant, was convicted last week of attempting to kill his wife, Vicky. The two were avid skydivers, and in April 2015, he tampered with her parachute before a jump. She fell 4,000 feet, but miraculously survived. Earlier in the week, Emile Cilliers damaged gas fittings in their home. If the gas had exploded, it would have killed Vicky and their two children. But even though the court found him guilty, Vicky Cilliers can't believe her husband was capable of murder. Read this story: 'I still can't believe he tried to murder me': Tearful wife of Lothario army sergeant refuses to accept his conviction for cutting her parachute, says she has NO plans …

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Sociopaths keep changing their demands, keeping you in turmoil

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When you're dealing with sociopaths, figuring out what they really want is nearly impossible. Why? Because they keep changing what they want. When my ex-husband, James Montgomery, moved into my house, I agreed to convert my basement, which I used as a small gym, into an office for him. I put away my gym equipment. I hired builders to install more electric outlets to run his array of computers, televisions and business equipment, which required enclosing the lower part of the walls. Making the improvements, and installing a small bathroom downstairs, cost me $6,000. (He promised to pay me back, but of course he never did. When Montgomery first moved into the office, he was …

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By being open to new ideas, I found a way to calm my overprotective brain

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By Eleanor Cowan As a 10-year-old kid in a large, rigid Roman Catholic family, I had it all figured out. I knew which way was up. There were no unknowns in my understanding. My future happiness was guaranteed if only I could do as required. Still, my stability teetered back and forth, depending on my ability to conform. For example, if I obeyed my mother’s first harsh morning shout to wake up and if I promptly completed my cleaning tasks before the oatmeal was ready, then I’d begun my day well. If without telling anyone about it, I quietly sacrificed a slice of toast and jam for the sake of a suffering soul in Purgatory (who gained freedom faster because of my personal sacrifice), then …

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School shootings: Understanding patterns is great, but doesn’t prevent murder

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Another school shooting — in Santa Fe, Texas. Ten dead — eight students and two teachers — and 13 wounded. This one wasn't like the Parkland, Florida shooting, where everyone knew that the perpetrator, Nikolas Cruz, had serious psychological problems. No, this time, when 17-year-old Dimitrios Pagourtzis opened fire, people were shocked. There was only one mention of a possible motive mentioned so far. One of the students killed was Shana Fisher, 16. Shana's mother, Sadie Rodriguez, said that for four months, Pagourtzis kept making advances on her, and she kept refusing. According to the Los Angeles Times, "Pagourtzis continued to get more aggressive, and she finally stood up to him and …

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