How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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The sociopath came on strong and romantic — it was all a fraud

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Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we'll call "Wilma18." The sociopath was engaged to my daughter. She is a very trusting and caring person. She was living in a town that was not close to family or friends and met this sociopath on a dating website. He lied to her from the beginning about past relationships. He came on strong and romantic. She doesn't fall for men quickly, but he was patient and after six months she was in love with him (his scam). There were signs that something wasn't exactly right but they happened so few and far between and when she happened to mention them to friends and family, she wasn't mentioning them to the same …

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After the sociopath, consumed by obsession

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The illusion is vaporized. One way or another, you have discovered that your partner, family member, friend or colleague is a sociopath. Maybe you unearthed one lie too many. Or maybe the mask slipped and the person unceremoniously dumped you. However it happened, you've learned that he or she has been lying to you all along. And now you're obsessed. You want to know the truth. You want to know where the sociopath really was, who the sociopath was really with, what happened to the money. With your new awareness of his or her lying personality, you recall multiple incidents that left you scratching your head, and now look at them in an entirely different light, trying to figure out what …

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Psychopaths can consider another’s perspective — if they want to

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Psychopaths can understand what their victims are thinking, but they just don't care. New research cited in The Atlantic has looked into the psychopathic "theory of mind" — the human skill through which we consider the perspective of someone else. It turns out most of us have the ability to do this automatically. Psychopaths, however, do it when it will help them achieve their goals — and otherwise switch the ability off. How psychopaths see the world, on TheAtlantic.com. Link supplied by a Lovefraud reader. …

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Signs of a sociopath: Double standards

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Signs of a sociopath: Double standards (continued) After a sociopath has won you over , things start to change that erode "you" and shift the power to the sociopath. Looking back on my horrible, unwitting marriage to a man I have come to believe is a sociopath, one of the things that emerged was double standards. At first, our relationship seeming loving and mutually respectful, but over time, things changed drastically. Eventually, he expecting me to honor all commitments to him  even when circumstances had changed significantly, but he felt free not to honor his commitments to me.   Sociopaths may even try to put you in their debt purposely by accusing you of reneging on promises a …

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After the sociopath, taking back power and standing up to bad behavior

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By Eleanor Cowan On Tuesday, a young friend from Montreal called with good news. A single mother of four children, proud of her escape from an abusive ex-husband, Kaila is back at school, works part-time to cover the groceries, and, each week it seems, successfully faces yet another challenge to advance her world. On Monday, a problem with the toilet required a plumber. Kaila called the “cheapest in town” ad circled in red ballpoint in an old phone book. In his early 50’s, the uniformed plumber waited for Kaila to return from taking her children to school that morning. As he inspected the toilet in her apartment, he began to talk about the high cost of living. Raising his eyebrows, he w …

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Sociopathic deception: A plan or second nature?

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Lovefraud received the following question from a reader: When a sociopath targets his victim, does he think and create a plan as to HOW he is going to manipulate his prey to glean what he wants, or is this just second nature to him?  How can he spend MONTHS being such a kind, considerate person, going out of his way to do the "little" things that matter in life, before turning into the evil monster? When you have been deceived and manipulated by a sociopath, the most difficult idea to grasp is how totally different people with this personality disorder are from the rest of us. Their behavior is different from everything we thought we knew about human interaction. Sociopaths—both male and …

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Contempt and double standards = sociopath red flags

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Subtle signs of a sociopath Last week, I was on a long walk when I passed an older couple walking on the sidewalk in the opposite direction. I nodded as we passed, and I honestly don’t recall receiving any acknowledgement. They clearly seemed “together,” yet the way they were walking signaled something was very wrong. Briefly, I had a sense of knowing. “I bet he’s a sociopath," I thought. You see, although they were on a walk “together” he was walking about ten feet in front of her, and had been ever since I spotted them walking toward me. That simple act communicates a lot—none of it good, as it signals an underlying lack of respect. Why are so few of us warned about sociopaths? …

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The Atlantic tells the story of serial con man Derek Alldred and his multiple romance scams

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For several years, Lovefraud posted articles about Derek Alldred, a con man who scammed women in Minnesota, Texas and other states. He posed as a war hero, physician, investment banker and more, scamming about a dozen women out of more than $1 million. The creep is finally in jail. And The Atlantic has written a comprehensive story of his exploits — and how his victims banded together to stop him. The perfect man who wasn't, on TheAtlantic.com. My comments on the article: Not once did the author mention any personality disorder. She made the statement that "America loves a con man." Because Alldred impersonated a Navy SEAL, he was investigated by NCIS. That's the first time I …

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How could such a wonderful young man turn into an evil sociopath?

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Editors note: Here's a letter Lovefraud received from a reader whom we'll call "Charlotte18." Donna Andersen's response follows the letter. About a year ago, my husband was arrested for kidnapping a couple of friends of ours. Since then, I have been discovering so many other nefarious things he was doing behind my back, such as stealing money for a living, having relations with other men, committing tax fraud, and the list goes on. As I look back on our relationship, nearly every one of the items you listed on your checklist ring true for our relationship, but I was very blind to them before his arrest, except for the gaslighting. I called him out on that about three months before his …

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Gaslight–how the movie mirrors real life

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  Gaslight Last weekend I watched the classic movie, Gaslight. For those of us who have been in a relationship with a sociopath, it is a great reminder that we weren’t imagining things and how good these puppeteers are at what they do. We were not paranoid, or too sensitive, or unable to take a joke, or fill in the blank. We were being purposely manipulated and deceived by someone who never loved us, has no ethical rudder; and, at our expense, was using us for their personal gain. To weaken us in order to achieve those goals, the sociopath has many tools that go beyond gaslighting—making us question our own reality. Ironically, the flickering of gas lights that Paula obs …

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